Eliza, tornadoes, and other things that won't shut up

Well. Wasn't tonight fun? Survivor was OK. It had the twistiest twist that ever twisted! And even with the twistiest twist, it was still kinda boring. I did like it when Mia laid into Twila, though. I especially liked the part where Twila said Mia had a huge chip on her shoulder. HELLO? Twila has the chippiest chip that ever chipped! (OK, that's the last time, I swear) And her admission that she's not "fem'nin" is really irrelevant when you think about it. Is she trying to say that you cannot get along with "wimmin" if'n you ain't "fem'nin"? Or maybe just these particular wimmin? Either way, you can be a tomboy without being an ass. She's playing the "I'm old n weathered n I work on trucks and you little prissy princesses only take baths and give each other sand facials" card and seriously, no one's buyin it except maybe Scout. Scout shoulda been gone last week with her blazing puzzle-piece-finding skills, and Twila shoulda been gone this week for the sorry attitude. Next week looks like fun when one of the ladies starts getting shit for changing her vote tonight. You know, just like Eliza did this week? Sorry, but I like Eliza and her big cow eyes. We both talk too much. She was totally playing the game last week and she should've done what she had to do instead of following the herd. *badump ching*

Tornado Alley on TLC farking RULED! They even had a very special segment on the March 28th, 2000 tornado that hit downtown Fort Worth. That's something I remember far too clearly. I was still in college at the time and I was taking "Special Problems" (shut up) for my Emergency Management degree. It was basically a class to make sure that our disaster plans included everyone like those who don't speak English, those who may need shelter for extended periods of time, the very old, the very young, the disabled and you get it. So anyway, our teacher was a social worker who worked downtown in the Merck Building. I believe it was a Tuesday, a 3 pm to 6 pm class. Our professor comes into class waving this newspaper. The Dallas Morning News had done an article on this study (pdf file) expounding on how long it has been since our area had experienced a major outbreak and that "we're due." The study also took the Moore, Oklahoma outbreak from May 3, 1999, mapped 55 tornadoes and laid them over the Dallas-Fort Worth area to show how the area would be affected if that outbreak had been about 200 miles south (turns out, not so hot). At the time, I did not buy that one bit because Mother Nature does not keep tabs (as evidenced by Florida's seemingly insatiable hurricane season). But since then, I have pulled up tornado frequency maps for the area, and we have a remarkably low occurence of tornadic activity considering our location inside tornado alley. But alas, that is inconsequential because I didn't know it at the time. ANYWAY! So we go on planning our disaster plan for Texas Motor Speedway (a very special population for which TMS has no disaster plan, just FYI), she lets us out early, I'm home by 5:30. We're watchin the news, playing with Gabi. And Andrew's mom calls who lives just NE of Fort Worth. She's all, "The sirens are going off! Why are the sirens going off?" She's a sweet woman, but is prone to panic and/or be oblivious in these types of situations. OK listen, people. There are basically three reasons they set off the sirens: high winds, nickel or larger size hail, or you know, A TORNADO SO GO INSIDE AND GET UNDER A MATTRESS AND GET OFF THE PHONE! Also, sirens are meant to warn people who are outside, away from other alert devices. So don't call your city council and complain because you can't hear the sirens while your TV is on. So anyway, yeah, before you know it, a tornado has gone through downtown (very rare for a tornado to successfully infiltrate a major downtown area. Other notables: Salt Lake City and Miami). Man, that next week in class was really really weird. She was way shaken up and it turns out that the Merck Building, the one she works in, was the first one hit. Man, I could talk about this all damn day but I'm probably boring the hell out of everyone. Moving on.

TLC totally robbed me of "Eye of the Hurricane." Is it ironic that the replaced with a show about repo-men? Anyway, so to fill the time....

I tried to watch the Presidential debates. I really did. But an interview with an SMU student yielded this quote that just about sums up how I felt about that debate every time I ventured to un-mute: "He's said everything he's already said." And the guy's name was Amen (I cannot tell a lie). So....Amen, Amen! I mean, I tried to listen and be a responsible citizen. I tried to tough it out. But all I wanted to say was "SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!" We've heard it all before! I hope that if you had the guts to watch it, you'll have the guts to vote. Yay America. And, um, shut up while you're at it. I think fake-boyfriend Mark sums up politics so nicely:

A fun political experiment!!!
People really like to talk about politics. I hate politics, and here is a little experiment you can do to show why.

Items needed:
A 12 inch ruler
One red sharpie pen
One blue sharpie pen

First, mark a red line at 6 ½ inches on the ruler. Next, go two notches to
the right and mark a blue line here. This line is at 6 5/8 inches.Hold the ruler
at arms length and notice the two notches. The red mark represents democrats.
The blue mark represents republicans. There is hardly any fucking difference so
get over it.

Word, Mark. Just....word.
Melodiously strum the vote.

And speaking of voting, here's my take on it. If you don't vote, don't bitch. I know that we are priveleged to live in a country where you don't have to vote. And we are also priveleged enough to voice our opinions without government persecution. And I know that sometimes, you may not be able to sufficiently align yourself with either candidate. That is fine and actually, I commend you for not blindly following party lines. But! But, I say! If you don't like the way the election turned out, then SHOOSH! Here, have an nice steaming example. Let's say, our workplace decides that we all have to wear uniforms. We get to choose between green shirts and red shirts (we work for Santa Claus, OK?). We cannot have both and we all have to decide on one color. You think you look terrible in both colors, so you abstain from voting. I think I could look stunning in either color, but I vote for green since I think that green might agree with more people's complexion. Now, when the new shirts come in, you don't get to whine about how much better everyone would've looked in red. Maybe I'll allow some bitching about the shade of green, but don't bitch that they're green. You had a chance to voice your opinion and you didn't. So shut up already.

Wednesday Night Viewing

You know the rules. If you don't want to know, don't read.

Dudes. DUDES! Lost is sooooo freakin good! I can't believe she....and then that guy was all....and then it turns out that it's a......If you haven't been watching, they're re-airing the first 2 episodes (billed as part one and two of the pilot) on Saturday beginning whenever your prime time begins (7 pm CDT). WATCH IT! Seriously.

As for the Apprentice, well, I sure am glad that I decided to hate Jen C last week. Man, is she annoying or WHAT? Lil Stacy is starting to get on my nerves, too. I might still be a little bitter over last week and the completely unjustified ouster of Stacie J. I still like Maria even though she can be snooty and a little condescending, but dammit I love how she dresses! She always looks stunning and somehow, that commands respect. That sounds really shallow, but it's not. It's not just about how she looks. I think maybe my favorite is Jen M. She was not afraid to get away from the herd of sheep and say what they REALLY did to Stacie. And kudos to Kevin and Raj for pointing out to those girls that they were in no position to assume Stacie's mental state going off of one incident (that was a little weird, but not frightening or indicative of mental illness). It was especially amusing when Raj (I think) seriously asked the girls if anyone had any experience in the psychological field. The look on everyone's face was all...."Uh......" That was awesome. One point for Raj. As someone who has been accused of being clinically insane, I appreciate those points being made. I think I like all of Mosaic. They work well together as has been proven by their three consecutive wins. Is it because they're men? I don't think so. I also don't think the girls are catty. I hate that word. It's like saying only women are capable of that characteristic. And even worse, it's saying that that's how women treat women. I just hate that word. If they're being a jerk, just say they're being a jerk. Why does it have to be a gender issue? These are people who just don't generally get along with each other and not because they all have the same private parts. Jen C said that rude shit about the "Jewish ladies" because she is an insensitive jerk, not because she's a woman. Stacy took offense to that because she is Jewish, not because she's a woman.

I feel bad for Elizabeth and truly sympathize with her and I think I would've reacted the same way in her situation. The problem is, it was an entirely inappropriate reaction. I would never make it in the corporate world. I am too sensitive. Working in government, I have laws and regulations to back me up if I need them. Laws and regulations put that were into place for the good of the general public. Corporate America has rules and regulations put in place for the good of Corporate America which may or may not be good for the general public. I like to say that I am not a Democrat or a Republican, I'm a Capitalist. But I am not a salesperson. I can't sell ANYTHING! My services have already been paid for through my "customers" property taxes and those little 911 charges on phone bills (911 doesn't run itself, you know!). So basically, I feel bad for Elizabeth and she seems like a sweet girl, but maybe this isn't for her? High pressure situations aren't for all of us.

As for CSI NY, I like the rat guy. He talks too much. I know the feeling. And you know? When I watch this CSI, I don't feel like I'm watching CSI. It's so dirty and gritty and dark, but not utterly depressing like NYPD Blue or ER as of late. CSI (the original) tends to be a shade brighter (as bright as murder can be) and slightly campy at times. There was one nice zing in this episode but I won't ruin that for anyone. I'll ruin The Apprentice, but not CSI. Right.

Hm, as I watch the news, a thought springs to mind: WHY WOULD YOU GO TO AN OB/GYN IN A STORAGE FACILITY???? OF COURSE HE'S NOT A DOCTOR!!! Those women are stupid, but even moreso, he's a creep and I hope he gets very violated in prison.

And in weather, cold front on the way and I WANT MY FARKING JACKET BACK!!! If I see him this weekend, I'm going the sugary sweet route and may try buying him a drink from afar. That usually warrants at least an acknowledgement of existence, hm? Let's hope. Because I think I feel PMS coming on and it will not be pretty if he just drinks the thing without even saying thank you. But I don't think he'll do that. This will be a test of my faith in him as a decent human being.

Oh my IAN I just don't CARE where Martha Stewart is going to prison! I just DON'T CARE!

Uh, and in sports, the Expos are moving to Washington. There's some talk of naming the team the Senators again. It might be a quasi-problem since the Texas Rangers somehow still "own" the name since they moved the franchise from Washington to Texas in 1972. I think it'd be cool to just think up a new name (as long as it's not the Bobcats). I'd be super-impressed if they went with "The Washington Congressmen." Geddit? Like...senators....but instead of a hundred, there's four hundred and fiftysomethingorothericantexactlyrememberrightnowandidon'thaveto. Or maybe the PRESIDENTS! That would be cool.

OMG Bill Cosby on Jay Leno! I *heart* Bill Cosby. He is positively amazing. He is funny as hell and he is not afraid of saying things that no one else can say. He was the first comedian that ever got me to laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. And I also find The Cosby Show even more hilarious as an adult than I ever did as a kid. A show from 20 years ago is still relevant and still hilarious (yes, I looked it up and it debuted in 1984 which further backs my theory that 1984 was positively the most amazing year as far as pop culture goes). He is the best storyteller ever. ObeeKaybee.

I have now been writing this thing for 2 hours and 7 minutes. I was supposed to be reading TWoP, but alas, I slack. Tomorrow, I shall conqure the remainder of The Apprentice recap, the CSI recap, and the ER recap. Do you guys think I watch too much TV? Don't answer that. Just....don't.

If you're lost, you can look and you'll find Cyndi Lauper

OK. Who are you, Stewed Hamm??? You seem to know me. You act like you know me. You comment on my blog like you know me. I mean, it's cool and all, I just want to know who you AAAAAAARE! It's driving me CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!! I thought I had it all figured out, but alas, I have been wrong. Unless you're one of the people I asked "Are you Stewed Hamm?" and you lied and said you weren't. In which case, you're totally in trouble.

It's a Howard Jones Totally 80's Lunch Hour.

Well, this is just a mid-day blog so I'll keep it to the point, I guess. That's definitely NOT something I'm very good at so....um....I guess I should mention Bowling for Soup who debuted at #37 on Billboard's Hot 100. Not too shabby, I say. WOO! Yay! Also, here's an article about being licked by puppies. Who doesn't like THAT?

Also, I'd like to give a shout-out to my fake internet boyfriend Mark who should be a genius millionaire any day now due to his hot new record label, Lucky Unicorn. Well, he's already a genius. He just needs about $999,982.

And just a quick reminder to all of my fellow TV fanatics, this week's schedule is all jumbled up because of the "presidential" "debates." (They're in separate quotes because I am mocking them separately.) So make sure to check with tvguide.com before prime time so you can sit down with your VCR and plan together.

Oh! And Amazing Race 5 fans, READ THIS! If you don't watch The Amazing Race, you are seriously missing out. It is just that good. But no worries, TAR 6 is starting up soon. Probably when dr. vegas gets cancelled. And don't tell me you "don't like reality TV" or "reality TV sucks" because this is not reality TV, this is a RACE! This ain't some "Bachelor" or "Big Brother." Please feel free to positively hate any "reality" show where there is any sort of romantic theme. Big Brother is on way too many times a week and has resorted to bottom-of-the-barrell tactics to lure viewers. Survivor and Apprentice are acquired tastes, but they're still fun. American Idol is just plain fun. But the Amazing Race? It's intense (just like Colin!) and it's fun (like Chip!) and it's people who can do things they never thought they could do (awww Moms!) and it's well.....amazing. It's not backstabbing and plotting (unless you ask Mirna). It's strategery (hehehe) and teamwork and sigh....I just love it. The casting is great, the tasks are great, the editing is su-perb, and Phil is kinda hot.

Sheesh, so for a short mid-day post, I sure did ramble. OK, tonight's viewing will include Lost at 7 (CDT) which is really awesome and I love it and you should totally watch it. Then the Apprentice at 8, since they moved it to tonight because of the "debates." And then CSI NY at 9 which is much better than I thought it would be considering how annoying I find CSI Miami. Anybody see the premier last week? Dang, talk about bringing out the big guns in the series premier. Dang. And Gary Sinise has the most amazing eyebrows I've ever seen on a man. Then tomorrow night, Survivor is on at its regularly scheduled time and the debates are going to swallow 2 hours (!!!) of my viewing pleasure WHOLE! Man, am I glad I have cable. Hm, at 8 we have "Viernes 13" on K-Star...that must be a local station. Let's see....what else? Whoa! At 8 on TLC: "Tornado Alley!" And at 9 on TLC, we have "Eye of the Hurricane" which looks pretty damn good, but then again I have a thing for disasters. Speaking of which, it looks like we also have The Surreal Life on VH1 which is an odd mix of completely creepy, fascinating, and hilarious. But we know they'll show it like, 15 times this weekend. Hey, did anyone see Veronica Mars last night? It was on UPN, so probably not, but next Tuesday, you should totally watch. That sentence had a ton of commas. Apparently, it's being compared to Buffy, but without all those pesky vampires. I never watched Buffy, so I can't really attest to that statement. So anyway, it really is a good show (On UPN! I know!!!) and if you watch it and are feeling lost, I would love to get you caught up.

OK. Imout. Must make maps for money. Word.

Clearing some things up...

southerngirl1 writes:

Ok, I was in a sorority and I have to admit, they are evil girls, but
not necessarily sluts. I was just a mean girl, scroll get me a beer type girl,
but the cliques, snowball effects, etc. just seem to escalate with 100 + girls.
There were many times that I wanted to quit after I got active, not when I was a
pledge because of the cattyness. I somehow stuck it out and am a mixed feeling
alumni. I recently read Pledged and could not believe how true to story was. You
were in a sorority too? As cool as you are though, did you stick it out and
become alumni or leave? Anyways, so much in common!!! We both like John H.,
former sorority girls and southerners. Starting to wonder though about comments
about your daughter's dad. Seems like you have been making references to him
lately....wondering if you are like me in which my dad says I cannot let go, but
I just often reference my ex.

I am so sorry that your experience was medium to harsh. We had 70-ish girls at all times. Naturally, I did not like them all but I am still friends with a few of them to this day. Other benefits include one of my best friends in the world who is a KKG (not my sorority) that was not only my roommate, but a dear friend as she still is. While most of our sisters were rooming with other sisters, we had a wonderful mix of blue and bordeaux, owls and bears, fleur de lis and ivy. We had a blast. Another benefit I enjoy is now meeting girls from other schools and instantly degenerating into squealing 7th graders when we realize our greek letters match. It is truly a feeling of sisterhood that means a lot to me (I never had "real" sisters). I met one of my sisters from another school in the past few years through my (then) best friend. Although all of my friendships from that circle have since diminished, she and I are still friends. I would not change my experience for anything. It was good and bad and I enjoyed the good and learned from the bad. We had cliques within our sorority, but I can't think of any organization where cliques don't form. Churches, workplaces, glee clubs. I mean, it's just human nature to find a smaller group within a large group to enjoy the familiarity. I also find that you do not have to be in a sorority to be a bitch. And you don't have to be a bitch to be in a sorority. Maybe our greek system was an exception, but I'm not sure how that could be since I was priveleged enough to get to attend a convention. I got to meet sisters from all over the US and Canada and of all ages. Our chapter seemed like any other. We had white, black, brown, smart, dim, loud, quiet, beautiful, plain, popular, shy. We really did have it all. That is where I truly learned to work with people I don't necessarily like as people. We had a common goal and regardless of our differences, we worked together. It's also where I learned what the word "confidence" meant. I was basically thrown into a pretty sizable leadership position and I had no idea how to run it. I feared I was incapable until I realized that I was just as capable as anyone else. And remembering that feeling has gotten me through everything from karaoke to childbirth. I'll admit this greek stuff isn't for everyone, but honestly, we never said it was. And if anyone has ever treated any of you poorly because you weren't greek, then I sincerely apologize on behalf of the greek community because that is truly not what we are about. But if they were mean to you just to be mean, well don't blame it on their greek-ness. They're jerks, greek or non-greek. But don't forget the third possibility: you were a jerk to them first because they're greek. Hey, it happens and we don't really take all that kindly to it.

So now I am an alumni. I do enjoy it, but do not go to as many events as I could mainly because the planners are mostly women who work from home or are still single or haven't had kids yet. Honestly, it's tough to get out to meet my sisters at happy hour when I'm a single mom who works full time. And it's tough to get to meetings on the seemingly innocuous Sunday afternoon, but that's my laundry day so blah blah blah. But I don't feel pressured and they're always happy to see me there. I could probably bring the mini-mexi-me, but she's so adorable that it could be a real distraction. No really. You think I'm kidding?

As far as my ex goes....yes, a lot of people think I should just "let it go." To which I say....HUH? We share a child together. We were together for almost 3 years. We speak to each other approximately 5 out of 7 days a week. We see each other at least once a week. He is a part of my life whether I like it or not. He also did a horrible thing to me which I have not forgiven him for and why should I? He knows he was wrong. He told his MOM he was sorry but not ME! Double-ewe-tee-EFF? I was over him the day I left him, but I am not over what he did to me and i won't be over it until he gets the "cannolis"* to tell me himself, but his pride will probably not allow it. So since I'm not over what he did, then people assume that I am not over him. That's total BEE-ESS. We have to deal with each other the rest of our lives, you'd think he'd want to make peace and leave that awful episode in the past. I'd really like to do that, but I file "not expecting an apology" under "letting it slide" and sorry, you just don't treat people like that and I will not let him think for a second that he has "gotten away with it." He owes me an apology. And I don't say that people "owe" me anything very often but everyone knows he was wrong, even his overly-loyal fraternity brothers (as well as his real brother, who is also overly-loyal). So to sum up, I want an apology, but I'm not expecting it. I'm over him, not what he did. Either way, in both of those situations, he is a big part of my life via my child. I will talk about him whether he is letting me boss him around during her birthday party (which totally RULED) or he's being a gigantic ass to me (which, to tell the truth, hasn't happened in a while...thankfully). Usually, when we go through a great period of getting along, it comes to a sort of vertical drop and it all comes crashing down in a horrible Colin/Christie-type meltdown and we have to start from the bottom again. So let's all take a minute and be thankful that he and I are not together any more nor do we stand even an inkling of a chance of ever getting back together. Amen.

In other news: I LOVE BILL PARCELLS! GO COWBOYS!!!

*Yes, I know it's "cajones" but cannolis is much funnier, hm?

Tonight, tonight, I watch too much TV

You know, one of the drawbacks of having small children is that, as long as they are conscious and in your presence, you don't really get any thoughts to yourself. Or maybe that's just my child. She talks CONSTANTLY! When we watch TV together, she insists on commenting on everything. You guys are gonna laugh, but seriously, she got it from her dad. Yes, I talk a lot, but I have NOTHING on him. He can literally go for hours without caring for any input from anyone else. Anyway, back to the rugrat. So we're driving home tonight and we're talking about cheerleaders because, well she wants to be one (Lord help us all). So I ask her if she knows why cheerleaders go to football games. She finally comes up with "To bring happiness to America." So that was cute. And then in her infinite randomness asks me something along the lines of "There has to be one person at the football stadium, right?" Huh? "Well, someone has to be first, right?" Yes, darling someone has to be first and then the stadium fills up. "Fills up? With what?" Well, what do you think it should fill up with? "Teddy bears. And ROBOTS!"

On a completely unrelated note.....Hey Survivor contestants!! Guess what! This isn't "Spend 39 days at the Ritz!" It's SURVIVOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!! This is right up there with reminding Colin and Christie and those damn Twinkies that they signed up for a freakin race!

Warning! Survivor and Apprentice spoilers ahead! If you haven't seen tonight's episodes and you don't want it ruined, then this is where you bail out.

I'm getting damn tired of Scout or whoever calling all of the young girls "sorority girls" and "bowheads." So not only are we separated by the sexes, now we have to be separated by age. You're on the same freaking team! Find a way to get along! Leave the hate on the boat, yo. That and yes, I have a problem with the negative connotation that is relentlessly associated with being in a sorority. I was in a sorority and I'm cool as all get out. If you haven't been in one, you don't get to say why we do what we do or even pretend like you know what we do because you don't. Go be angry about having to eat bugs or something. Also, I absolutely love how the women keep winning and the guys keep steaming about getting beat "by a bunch of women." Get the hell over it, you overgrown peacocks, GEEZ! And this just in....Brady is still SMOKIN!

Uh, did Sarge just yell "Suck my dick" after they guys won immunity??? If he did then he is incredibly out of line and a nasty, juvenile jerk. I hope he didn't say that because I was starting to like him. And I'm glad Dolly got the boot. I thought (I could be wrong) that Leeann was the one hunting the chicken and, oh I don't know, being generally useful? Why was she even on the chopping block at all? Oh well. I don't think anyone should be named Dolly except buxom singers/actresses and cloned sheep. And in certain situations, actual dolls. She was a schemer anyway. I know you have to do it on some level, but sheesh she kinda went overboard, don't you think?

OK, now to the Apprentice. I'm actually recording CSI while I watch the Apprentice! Can you believe it? I'm actually using my VCR! I can't wait to see what "rules" in the boardroom are broken. The only "rule" I can think of is maybe Trump fires two people instead of one?

OK, I've changed who I like. I don't like Jennifer C any more mainly because of her bragging last week about getting the information from the guys' team and basically stealing their idea. I still like Maria just because she seems like the one everyone goes to to talk out their problems and she also seems really open and possibly is emerging as a sort of leader among the ladies even though she has yet to be PM. Not really sure about her pink sparkle tube top, though. I also don't think that Stacie is a fraction of crazy that all those ladies think she is. Among the guys, I'm starting to like Kevin and I'm not quite AS irritated with Raj as I was the first episode. And John? Still hot.

I love the TRUMPets when the Donald enters. So lame. So funny.

OK, now to the boardroom....what rule is to be broken? I think Elizabeth and Maria are toast. I'll miss you Maria! I'm glad I didn't have a chance to hate you! Please note: Stacie J did NOTHING wrong! They are seriously picking on her. Because she picked up an 8-ball? Huh? How does that make you crazy? So maybe she's a little eccentric, that doesn't mean she's schizophrenic (which Elizabeth seems to seriously believe). Ivana was SCARED? Had to hide in a CORNER? She was shaking a fucking eight ball! And I think it's horribly unfair that Stacie had to be fired in front of everyone. Those girls (and I say girls instead of ladies because they were acting horribly catty) made up stories and ganged up on the poor girl. Whatever. Hope they're happy now. But I'm a little glad Maria didn't get booted. I think she has potential.

And in response to Special Agent OC Idol's comment, yes I have met sorority girls from OU. There are no more bitches, sluts, and snobs in sororities than there are in any other group. It's a slice of society more than you think. Like I said, if you weren't in one, don't talk because you just don't know. Just because you knew a few girls that were in one does not mean you know.

BEST NIGHT EVER!!!

First of all, let me say that if you have not seen the finale of The Amazing Race, just move on because I'm totally about to say who wins.

So this morning I wake up all tired and rubbing the crap out of my eyes. I flip the radio on and there's my boys Bowling For Soup on Kidd Kraddick! What a way to wake up. All happy and stuff. Then I go to work and don't do much work because we had a staff meeting/birthday celebration that went from pretty much when I got there until about 11 and well, then it's time for lunch. So then I find out that the lady who usually answers the phones is going home sick so I need to cover starting at 3:30. Well, there goes the neighborhood since I can't really do anything productive if I'm on the phones. So I basically only did fluff stuff that I really liked at work today AND I had a guy call in and say that our office had the nicest most helpful people and that we're just great every time he calls. Rad! Another call that tends to make up for all the assholes that call.

Anyway! So the co-parent agreed to take the ankle-biter tonight so I could attend an Amazing Race watching party. I don't think I've ever done a watching party that wasn't for football (Go Cowboys!) so I was already excited about that. There was only four of us, but it's just so much fun to watch with a group. Jessica and I went over to Annique's place which was equipped with a super-rad TV and her fiance who just happens to be the drummer for Bowling For Soup (!!!!!) who was incredibly gracious and signed my CD (he said I ROCK!). I had to psyche myself up before we went over there so I wouldn't be a squealing girlie seventh grade superfan. Just play it cool. It's just an international rock star. No big. But when he said he'd sign my CD, I have to admit, I did a little dance. So I got to sit next to a very nice, very cool rock star during the Amazing Race....

WHICH WAS AWESOME!!! I think we all had about 4 heart attacks during that thing. Except Gary who, poor guy, was so tired from getting up early to do the Kidd Kraddick show. I think he fell asleep and we woke him up with our insane cheering when Chip and Kim at one point pulled way ahead. But hey, he was awake after that. And so we all had our adult drinks and well, it turned into a drinking game. Every time somebody prayed, pulled out a Bible, or otherwise solicited The Almighty to help them win a RACE, we had to drink. Mostly it was Brandon and Nicole, but Chip had a few in there, too. But if Colin just arbitrarily yelled "JESUS!" that didn't count. You had to actually be talking to God. We are all a bunch of sinners. Drinking every time someone prayed. Afterwards, we thought that it would've been fun to also drink any time someone said "baby" but then decided that Annique and Gary didn't have that much alcohol. We are also terrible people because when Nicole was having her breakdown in Canada, we couldn't stop laughing at the poor girl. But they ALWAYS made the wrong Detour decisions. Every time! It's like, just do the opposite of what you think you should do. But to her credit, you just know they were so tired and frustrated. And how good of a boyfriend was Brandon to put her on his back when they went to do the luge? He was so sweet. Break up with her and come make out with me, Brandon! Not really. The Lord would not approve of all the things.....never mind. He would not approve, let's just leave it at that. But on the other hand, she was being really catty to Chip and Kim for the whole flag thing (which they only did to win the RACE!) so maybe that was just her kharma biting her in the ass. I swear people, when you signed up for this thing, somewhere in the contract (at the top maybe?) I'm sure it said that this was a RACE! Not arts and crafts camp! And when it's a RACE, you have to fend for yourself so you can, oh I don't know, win. Is this a difficult philosphy? Get out of your damn boat and read the clue yourself. Geez.

So how cool was it that it ended in Dallas! OK, it was super cool for us because, you know, we live here and we knew what roads they were taking and we were all "No, girl, do not let him take 30 on a Friday." Then we were mad that we didn't know about it when they were filming but then decided that there would be NO WAY that we could keep our mouths shut about who won. So when they showed us that they were going to the Stockyards, Annique was all "Hey, we went to see Willie Nelson there!" And that's when I busted out a BFS lyric "Willie Nelson wants you back." Gary seemed to find it humorous, but he was also very fatigued, so.....maybe he was just appreciating that I actually knew a lyric from his band's CD that's been out an entire week. That's when I really had to try hard to play it cool. Just be cool! Anyway! That was just incredibly rad because we were all "Hey, I've been there!" and "That really is the most direct route, but it's probably faster if you take 121." I haven't gotten to do that since Walker Texas Ranger was on the air. Not...that I would watch that.....or anything.....but uh.......I cannot believe they were right here! I probably passed them on 183. Incredible.

And then that final leg. Oh man, we were hiding behind pillows, crawling on the floor, yelling at the TV and then.....the van! With Chip and Kim!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! We celebrated like we just won the freakin Super Bowl (Go Cowboys!). Kim was crying so we started crying and then Chip cried so we cried and then Gary made fun of us because we're a bunch of girls. Oh man, we were so happy! And to top it off....Colin and Christie came in second. That was even better than watching them come in third because they were just that close to winning and it slipped away. I was kind of hoping for a meltdown from Colin at the finish line, but he actually pulled his head out of his ass and had some class about the whole thing. For once. They were indeed very good competitors, but they spent so much time bragging about being in first all the time that the other teams were more than ready to yield them. Not just Chip and Kim. Any of the teams would've done it, but Chip/Kim actually had the guts to do it. Because they ROCK! I'm so glad they won. They never came in last to be saved by a non-Philimination round and the others had so I say they really deserved it. What a couple of just really neat people. Let's go have a beer next time you're in Dallas, Chip n Kim!

What an Amazing Race indeed. I can't wait for Season 6! Wheee! Happy fun time! Oh wow, I have totally worn myself out from being so damn excited all day! I got my CD signed! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Now I'm tired. I hope the happy fun times do not ebb. Good night, Dear Internet.

Amazing RAAAAAAAACE!!!

OK, for all of you Race fanatics first I must say YAY WE WON AN EMMY! Maybe this will keep it out of its time (of death) slot of Saturday night for Season 6. TVGuide.com is reporting that the CBS network scheduler-type people are going to postpone Season 6 instead of starting it up in a week or two. This is in part to build anticipation and also to maybe wait for a crappy show to fail, get cancelled, and then Amazing Race can take their time slot (hopefully on Tuesday again as long as it's not opposite 24). But honestly, if they were to set it to Saturday night, I think I might plan around it so I could watch it before everyone else with lives and the willingness to set their VCRs. So everyone root for the abysmal failure of dr. vegas and/or Clubhouse!

So I was at the mall shopping on Saturday (I know! Shocker!) and since I've decided that I can indeed count it as my cardio for the day, I had better take the stairs instead of the elevator or escalator. So I get to the top of the stairs on lap one and who do I run into? BRANDON! Bigger than life with his lovely golden locks in The Buckle's window. I had to kind of stop and then slowly approach to make sure it was him, but there he is wearing a red AC/DC shirt. The Lord would not be pleased with his garment choices. I do love how he is a very good boyfriend, though. I do not love how he keeps asking The Lord to make them win. Dude. God doesn't "do" reality shows.

Oh and last week, didn't you love how Christie told the cab driver that the other teams CHEATED because they yielded them (is yielded a word)??? It's part of the game, you psycho! It's a RAAAAAAAAACE!!! What the hell did you expect? You have been very dominant throughout most of the game and the one time you fall behind (because of your own bad plane ticket purchasing), you bet your sweet "Texas" ass they're yielding you. They're here to win just the same as you are. And then, oh my Ian, the BEST PART (I can't remember if I wrote about this previously) was when Colin screamed like a 7 year old "MY OX IS BROKEN!" Haaaaaaaahahaha! Classic. In the previews for the season finale tomorrow night (two sweet hours), it shows someone having a meltdown on a very snowy mountain. Hm. I wonder who it could be? Could it be the most intense Racer there ever was??? I cannot wait. The co-parent said he might take the rugrat so I can go to a watching party (OK, two other people plus me does constitute a party, k?). That would be awesome! I hope there's pizza.

So what if it's my third post in one day?

I just had to shamelessly pimp Mark's new record label.

LUCKY UNICORN RECORDS!

CDs for five bucks. I would not tell a lie about that. And the most quality quality you've ever seen. Even more than Kathy Ireland. Honest.

Oh and while I'm shamelessly plugging, don't forget to buy Bowling for Soup's new CD. Shut up and Smile is my favorite song. Today. Tomorrow it might be hidden track #1 which is so rad I almost exploded.

Owning up to my Emmy predictions

I made predictions back in the day. Well, let's see how I did. That's right! I own up to my predictions!

Lead actor in a Comedy: I predicted John Ritter but secretly rooted for Tony Shalhoub. Kelsey Grammar won. 0-1

Lead actress in a Comedy: I predicted Jane K from Malcom in the Middle, but I should've known that SJP would win. 0-2

Supporting actor in a Comedy: I think I might've picked Sean Hayes but I'm not really sure. I really didn't want anything from Will & Grace to win and it looks like I got my wish. But yay for David Hyde Pierce! I love him. I'm starting to think I suck at this. 0-3

Supporting actress in a Comedy: I picked Doris Roberts but of course, Cynthia Nixon from Sex & the City won. Geez, next year I'm just going to pick two series and then just pick all the winners from those. 0-4

Comedy Series: I picked Scrubs to win even though it wasn't nominated (which is wrong wrong dirty and wrong!). But on the bright side, Arrested Development won. Next quirky series that is hilarious and deserves an Emmy: Scrubs. Seriously. 0-5

Lead actor in a Drama: Of COURSE I picked The Keif! 24 is the best show ever and Keifer really brings it all together. But naturally, someone else won. James Spader. At least it wasn't yet another predictable Sopranos win. Sheesh I'm so tired of hearing about how awesome that show is. 0-6

Lead actress in a Drama: I chose Amber Tamblyn from Joan of Arcadia, but in retrospect I think maybe we give her a couple more years and she will get a win. Alison Janney won. Wow. People still watch The West Wing? Besides Sevi? 0-7

Supporting actor in a Drama: I picked Steve Buscemi, but Michael Imperioli won. Same show different dude. Does that count? Even a little bit? No? Fine. 0-8

Supporting actress in a Drama: I picked Janel Moloney mainly based on how cute she is. But, oh what a shock, Drea de Matteo from the Sopranos won. Pfffft. 0-9

Drama Series: I very bitterly picked The Sopranos and whaddya know? I was RIGHT! Finally!!! Bastards. 1-9

Miniseries: I picked Angels in America and they pretty much won everything they were nominated for so go me! 2-9

Reality Program: Apparently, no one cares who won this one because I can't find who won anywhere. But I picked Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Still 2-9

Reality/Competition: Like a total idiot, I didn't go with what I thought SHOULD win. All of my other predictions were for who I wanted to win, not who I thought would win. But on this one I picked Survivor even though I knew the Amazing Race was better. And the Amazing Race won!! Yaaaaaaaaaay!!! Good for Amazing Race! Bad for my Emmy prediction record! 2-10

Geez, I really super-suck at Emmy predictions. I'm not any good at predictions in general which is why I will never play fantasy football. Did you guys know that they have fantasy golf? What the hell!

VH1 Overload

Can I just say....how hot Harrison Ford is in Indiana Jones? I mean, I saw these movies when they came out, but since my mom thought he was hot I never really noticed. But damn, she was right! And after watching "When Star Wars Ruled the World" about a million times on VH1 this weekend, I can safely say that he is still hot.

I watch VH1 when there's nothing else on my 70-something channels (and still no Bravo) and I have gotten myself hooked on another Surreal Life. They're just so BIZARRE! I can't look away! The only normal ones are John Coulier (is his name John? He's the wacky uncle from Full House) and Ryan Starr of all people. It's just mind-boggling to put these people together. Jordan Knight hanging out with......Charo??? Brigitte Neilson hooking up with.....Flava Flav??? Whaaaaaaat? I'm kinda glad they moved the series to VH1 so if I miss an episode, it's OK because I know they'll play it 47 more times. I think maybe I like this show because you get to see what these people are really like as people instead of celebrities. There's no fake smiles or canned responses to questions. You get to see who's really annoying and who's really cool without their stylists and managment hovering over them to make sure they do everything perfectly. It's really interesting especially if you're a people-watcher. Like, for example, I never would've known Corey Feldman (from the first season) was such a complete nutjob and that Jerri Manthey is actually kinda cool when she's not on Survivor.

Speaking of VH1, did you guys see Best Week Ever this weekend? My boys Bowling For Soup made an appearance! And then they closed the show with their 1985 video. Their new album, A Hangover You Don't Deserve, was realeased on Tuesday and I just bought it yesterday. It's hilarious. There's a song on the CD called "My Hometown" which generated a lot of buzz back in our hometown (yes, we're from the same hometown) because, well, it's not entirely complimentary. But it's damn funny and quite true. I just want to say....I got the $@*# out of our hometown too, Jaret! And all I have to say to that song is WORD! I haven't heard all of the songs yet, but so far my favorite is "Ohio (Come Back to Texas)" and when you hear it, you'll know why. Or maybe it's "Shut Up and Smile." I can't decide and I don't have to. So if you'll excuse the shameless plugging, buy the album at Circuit City or Best Buy (I couldn't find it at Target) or if you're a bargain hunter and you can wait a couple of days, you can buy it on VH1.com for $9.63.

They're also really great live, so if they come to a venue near you, go see them!

Seventh grade all over again

After losing it last night at that stupid bar, I think I decided to pull myself out of whatever this is that I'm in. Hm, that sentence was kind of vague. Let's explain. First off, "losing it." After being ignored once again by Captain Kangaroo, it became overwhelming after he made the effort to not only have a lengthy conversation but also making sure to say good bye on his way out to someone sitting two seats away. I'm not sure why he's acting like I don't exist. I have to say that this does prove one of my many theories: if you want to really get under someone's skin, act like they're not even there. Works every time. And even though I am aware of this effect, I still fell for it and yes, it is driving me crazy. I don't understand why someone would make the effort to let me know that we're friends and he actually thinks I'm pretty cool and then proceed to just ignore me. It's quite frustrating.

So moving on to "whatever this is that I'm in." I have toyed with the idea that I might be depressed. I spent a lot of time sleeping a couple of weekends ago. I just didn't feel like doing anything and quite frankly, I physically didn't feel well at all. That's when the idea first came upon me that I might be depressed. Then, as it turns out, it was a bad bout with PMS. I was early, so I wasn't expecting it and blah blah blah. So I let it go based on the fact that I have been depressed before and it involved much more sleeping and crying and way less eating. So I've decided that I am in a funk. A funk means that I'm just not enjoying myself as much as I could be. I'm letting this bother me way too much (all I want is an explanation and my farging jacket back, geez) and it's affecting other things.

So today, I've realized that it's time to head back up to the surface. There's always (hopefully) a point in every depression or funk or greiving that you just tell yourself, OK, I'm done with this. It's time to re-join life as usual. It's time to figure out what it is that you enjoy and like, do it or something. I realized today after talking to a friend that I had fallen out of touch with that talking to her (even though, sorry I love her, she is horrible at talking on the phone) made me feel really good. And hanging out with Jessica makes me feel really good. And shopping makes me feel really good. And in a weird way, watching my favorite TV makes me feel good. Did you guys see the Amazing Race?? My ox is broken!!! Ha! Oh that Colin. What are we going to do next season? ANYWAY!

So after Captain Kangaroo left without so much as a visual recognition, yes, I lost it. I had been talking to The Chief all night about it and talking about how men my own age don't seem to like me, but men over forty love me. Love. Me. So anyway, as we're sitting there with the "funeral lights" on (as Chief calls 'em....weird), I figured out that I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be a basketcase over some stupid guy who just can't figure out how to act. But the upside to all this is that I got a great hug from my new "boyfriend." I can't decide if he's hot or cute or adorable or what. He used to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model and I am not even making that up. He is indeed lovely to look at. But get this, he is 20. 2-0. TWENTY YEARS OLD! I would've never known because he doesn't act like a dumbass. I feel like such a dirty old woman, but oh my Ian does he give good hugs and I'm not even going to go into what I was thinking about because I have a feeling most of you already know. So now on top of being adorable and funny and beautiful, he's also very sweet. And in a strange turn of events, he is also wise. After that super awesome hug, I was all "Thank you, I just...I just..." and he shooshed me and said, "No, don't talk about it any more because you'll just make yourself more upset." How true. What a doll. Where was he when I was 20??? I only knew a bunch of idiots when I was 20. Oh, you know where he was when I was 20? The SEVENTH GRADE! Oy I am such a dirty old woman. Hey, he turns 21 in December. Ka-ching!

What the....You DID Come In Last!

I love September for a few reasons. First of all, it's my darling Gabi's birthday on the 14th (she's so big!). Second, I get all new TV.

First, we had LAX. Blair Underwood and Heather Locklear are very pretty and I will admit that I kept getting distracted and OK, maybe I forgot it was on for the first half hour. But the part that stands out in my mind is when the parents of the supposedly very large 2 year old are trying to get him on the plane for free. So the nice airport man leans down to talk to the kid and he says "are you this many or this many?" holding up two, then three fingers. And then the kid ends up holding up four fingers indicating he was indeed four years old. I can suspend belief about the quasi-bomb and the governor's plane and the loose dog, but a four year old that doesn't talk??? Give me a BREAK!!! If that was my kid, or any other 4 year old I know, you not only would've gotten their age, you would've gotten their birthday, middle name, what they did that day, why they're getting on the plane, how the airplane works, how the airplane can fly through the clouds and what size underwear they have on. At least. I don't even remember what night that was, so I'm not sure if I'll bother revisiting.

Apprentice. What can I say? I love this show. I'm starting to really like Maria although I fear she may be my Omarosa this year. In other words, I started off liking Assaroma the first couple of episodes and then fell into some serious hate and disbelief. I thought she was sassy at first and then I realized she was just delusional. And not the cute kind of delusional like I am. But anyway, my favorite part of tonight's episode was when Bradford was whining because they lost. I mean, I thought they did a great job overall but their mistakes killed them whereas the guys didn't really make any mistakes on the day of the sale. So anyway, "The" Bradford is all "Losing to me is like kryptonite to Superman. It just drains me. And coming in second is just as bad as coming in last." There are TWO TEAMS, GENIUS! I had myself a good laugh over that. Spoiler: (highlight to read) That's what you get for being so cocky, Mr. Bradford. FIRED!!! But in all fairness, he didn't deserve it because as far as the task at hand, he was phenomenal. Stacie J. or Ivana should've definitely gotten the boot. I particularly liked the part where Apex was getting ready for the big day and they were all getting ready and Bradford was running around telling them to get all prettied up because sex sells or something like that (which, as much as I hate it, is true) and telling them to basically show some cleavage and then it shows one of the women taking a vicious bite out of a banana. Haaaahahaha! Editing genius! And then one of the women, I think it was Ivana, started spouting off about how they don't need to sell themselves because they are strong intelligent women. Well, honey, that's true but strong and intelligent doesn't sell ice cream. In other words, her entire statement was horribly incongruous with the task at hand. What I hated the most though, was how the guys were all scared about losing to a bunch of women. I just wish they would leave the tired old gender issues in the dark ages where they belong and then send a memo to.....

Survivor! Ugh! Men vs. Women AGAIN? More whining by the men about losing to a bunch of women not to mention the women spouting off about how strong they are and how they can beat any man at whatever game blah blah blah. I realize that men and women are very different in some aspects. But in most ways, seriously, we are just alike. We are all overly cocky with low self esteems, smart and stupid, liars and truthtellers, good and bad drivers. It's not about having a penis or some boobs, it's about being people and how you choose to act. I am soooooooo tired of generalizations. All of them! Anyway, back to the actual show. I would just like to say HELLLOOOOOO BRADY!!!! COME TO MAMA!!! Call me!

Oh Canada!

Do you ever just want to hug someone through the phone? I just got a call from this man that I could just stay on the phone with ALL DAY! He was from Ontario, but he lives here and he was just the nicest, most adorable thing there ever was. The number for his address that I gave him was 9530 and he comes back with "My age and your age!" He's really 59, but just too precious. My cheeks hurt from smiling. I'll have perma-grin all day now. At least until the next asshole calls. I don't understand why people can't get that if you charm me without kissing my ass, you will get whatever the hell you want. If you are an ass, I will throw every obstacle I can at you and probably threaten to have some sort of charges filed or warrant issued. I can't really, but damn it sounds good.

So to sum up, I love Canadians and I love Canadia. They are just the nicest people ever who, oddly enough, brought us the glorious and often bloody sport of hockey. They also love to have tea.

In related news, the NHL sucks.

WEEEEEEEE NEW BABY!!!

I am thrilled to announce that someone most of you have never heard of has successfully procreated!!! My old college roommate Melinda had a shiny new baby girl this evening at 8:46 p.m. CDT! Her name is Autumn Elizabeth and she weighs 8 pounds and 6 ounces (and was 3 weeks early!). So congrats to Mel and Robby and big sister Amy!!! Wheeeeeeeee!

You guys cracker me up!

Friday afternoon I found myself disgusted with my 132 messages in my inbox. I thought, surely I do not need all of these! So I began perusing the old emails to see what I should throw out and what I should keep and what I should file in one of my special folders. As I perused, I noticed that not only do I come up with the occasional comedic gem, my friends are damn funny! So I decided to compile all the stuff that STILL made me giggle and post it here so you can all see where I get my sparkling personality from: it rubs off on me from my friends. I made sure to note who said what. If it's not noted, then that means I said it. I did not include anything from any forwarded messages or joke lists. These are all straight from your everyday narrative email and in the case of the numbered entries, those damn surveys we all hate yet can't seem to stop filling out and sending on. And just a quick FYI for those of you spared our "survey circle," we have a little rule that says that we can change whatever questions in a survey that we don't like. So some of the questions are not exactly typical (or family friendly for that matter). Please enjoy! I certainly enjoyed compiling it.

24. What is the coolest thing ever? ice - Margo

5. What is your favorite TV show? Anything but reality TV. See, I have a life and I choose not to spend it obsessed over somebody else's life.
6. What do you think people are thinking about you right now? What a dick. - Scott

9. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? what am I swallowing? - Cece

One night after the Spurs had finished making the Lakers their collective bitches, some sportscaster was doing an interview with Tim Duncan. Of course, we can't hear what they're saying so I just started talking over him and saying all the typical shit that athletes say in the post-game interview. "You know, they played a great game and we just went out there and did our best and came out on top we just gotta keep up the momentum yadda yadda yadda" but every once in a while, I'd throw in a "Shaq is my bitch" or something like that.

I think if the woman is able to hold her own and have a good time (like you) then we enjoy it - but if we have to keep explaining why one team wears blue and one wears white, or keep telling her that 3 of a kind beats 2 pair, or that it's not proper etiquette to caress the strippers ass when you give her a tip, then it becomes a nuisance. - WJ

I have been finding strange things really hot lately....like installing a modem. Just the way he took the side of my CPU off....rrrrowr!

hey - nerds can be physically hot too. just doesnt happen very often. like albinos and blue moons. – Ava

jessica is coming over to help me yell at the tv.

people tell me that i'm evil enough to be going to hell. and i can truly see myself there sipping tea with hitler and eating rice with pol pot for the rest of my life....
could i possibly persuade you to refer to me what my future diploma will say, Big Black Baby Jesus. just a thought and have only been touting that name to terrorize my ultra conservative, fundamental, middle aged, female coworkers who apparently pray for my lost soul everynight. now i'm really hungry for some rice and quenched for tea. - Patrick

The only thing that really turns me off about firefighters are the mustaches. I can't take it. It's so....70's porn star softball coach motorcycle cop.

sure, maybe I don't email you for a few weeks at a time, and yeah, I'll sometimes spend more work hours chatting and playing games than working.....hmmm maybe I am an asshat afterall. – WJ

But I love you and you love me and I don't have to go to hell because I love the Cowboys.

10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Trouble – Cece

15. Favorite sandwich? Tube steak on labia. – Scott

3. What is Angelina's middle name?
a. She doesnt have one
b. Starr
c. Maxx
d. Alyssa
C ya damn hippy. But that's why I love you

26. Is everyone truly a Captain Kirk? Undoubtedly – Sevi

I should tell you from the beginning that I'm awesome.

5. What is Cece’s favorite movie of all time? You insane nerd JOE VS THE VOLCANO

Apparently, I feel the need to yell at someone. I often feel the need to yell at people on Friday. But in a loving way, of course.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? Do people still do that? – Danielle

If you ever feel the need to make fun of somebody who can’t read, you are an asshole. But if that need doesn’t go away, just write them a cruel note. - Mark

6. FAVORITE SMELL? Apology flowers

40. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG? Hamburger. I'm psychologically incapable of accepting hot dogs as a viable food.

45. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? nothin...whazamottowitchew? – Margo

I remember in high school I thought I was awesome so I wrote “Fizziks” on my Physics book. – Mark

6. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Death or anything you put in smelly candles – DB

How do you feel about gay marriage and the legality of the whole thing? it’s this typical refusal to accept change and logically think that has us stuck in a period of de-evolution. And there’s no way I want to go back to the days of knighthood, because I fear my sword wielding skills are terrible. – Mark

Do you believe in UFOs? Sure, why not - it seems unlikely to think we are the only life forms in the universe. However, if the other life forms are technically advanced enough to "fly" billions of miles to come to earth on a regular basis just friggin land and say Hi already ! - WJ

Am I mean or nice? what time is it? – Scott

Do I go to church? heh, is going to the mall considered church?
Would you consider me a fucktard, a whoretard, or an assclown? sorrylations if anyone calls you any of those – Cece

I mean, why would they want a not-as-skinny girl with an actual personality when they can have Twiggy who will laugh and agree with every dope-headed thing they say? You are thinking I am bitter. I might be.

I still think all our spelling tricks and silent letters and I-before-e-except-for-when-this-shit-happens rules are designed to keep the lazy fuckers from accidentally becoming a CEO. My roommate’s friend needed a new refrigerator. She spent all day looking in the “F” section, for “fridge”. She should not be allowed to run a company. – Mark

Maybe soon we'll have a gum for those with the painful addiction to french fries. Then we can all go to rehab together and talk about how hamburgers ruled our lives for so long because of our low self esteem. It's not our fault! It's an addiction! It's a DISEASE!! And we had no control over where we went to eat or what we ordered! McDonald's controls our MINDS!! Those evil bastards. I bet they put crack in the grease so we are physically incapable of avoiding it. There's an old saying that goes something like, if there's not a conspiracy going on around you, then you aren't looking hard enough. I feel better knowing that my fat ass is no longer my fault.

I bought a $39 remote control airplane just to be an asshole. I got a new bright purple shirt that says “Hawaii” on it (I’m collecting all 44 states). - Mark

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don’t let this confuse you. ( I didn’t write this one. It’s from an email on how to drive in Dallas, but it was just too good to leave out. Mainly because it’s actually true.)

How do you write zero in Roman numerals? The Romans didn't care. It meant nothing to them.

OH LOOK AT ME NOW! IM COUNTING OFF MY DRINKS LIKE SOME SORT OF HIGH SCHOOL CASANOVA, EXCEPT WITHOUT ALL THOSE GODDAMNED BICEPS! You’re my best friend I have never met. – Mark

What are you most thankful for: Gabi, my family, my friends, my job, my purple car and a lot of other stuff like air and gravity.

What is your favorite animal and why? Tigers because they are beautiful and powerful and no one ever asks a tiger "hey, you gonna finish that?"

They are funny, and include UNICORNS, which I have decided are the funniest non-actual creatures to ever not-exist. – Mark

I am also opposed to using "dear" in the greeting. I just say "Ms. Browning," or whatever. "Dear" implies that you are dear to me therefore I am writing you this heartfelt letter. When in fact, if I am at work, and I have to write you a letter, chances are, I hate you. But I hear it's bad form to open a letter with "My Nemesis." Just a rumor I heard. Closing with Sincerely is often preferred, but it's so old and tired and just takes up space. I prefer "ring me if you need me" or "don't call me, I won't answer." Depending on the sitch. I would also like to use "Just do it. Don't argue. You know I'm right."

"Can I smell you?"
Uh, sure. You can probably smell it OK right here on my neck.
"Dang, you smell so good. I think I caught a whiff of your hair, too."
Uh, well, actually my shampoo doesn't smell like anything, really.
"Can I braid your hair?"
Say what?
"Are you surprised?"
Well, yes, I can't say I've ever had a man offer to braid my hair before.
"Oh, I can do it. Here, let me show you."
Oh wow, that's impressive. Do you have daughters or something?
"Horses."
Aaaaaaaaah. Well, that's um, really cool.

Yay! New TV!!

Joey. Well, that was cute, I guess. I'm not sure if it's enough to keep me away from Survivor, though.

Apprentice! Woohoo! Apprentice is back! I have to say, I'm a little intimidated at the thought of getting emotionally involved with another 18 people. I already hate Bradford. I told him to shut up quite a few times. "I like to survey people and figure out who the weaklings are and who I can pick off." Oh whatever. Like you're some kind of badass. Shut uuuuuuuuuuuup! And let's see, I should pick a woman to hate, too. Um, I hate the crazy chick (Stacie J?). It's girls like her that make men think that we're all like that. And for people I like...Jennifer C....the one who was watching Trump during dinner. That was kind of adorable in the kind of "I think I might do the exact same thing in that situation" kind of way. Kind of. And I like John because, well....he's hot.

Medical Investigation: CSI but with infectious diseases instead of MUUUUUURDER! And Neil McDonough instead of Will Peterson. I miss Boomtown. Does anyone else miss Boomtown? It's (Medical Investigation, not Boomtown) kind of melodramatic, but still manages to be interesting. And much like CSI, they spend a lot of time explaining elementary concepts to their coworkers who are (hopefully) experts in their field. And the helicopter landing at the baseball complex?? Psha. And now the flirty press agent. Man! They already stole a line from 24! WHO DO YOU WORK FOR??? Ha! This show isn't too awful. Too bad it's already been given a death sentence by getting a regular time slot on Friday night. If I'm not mistaken, that's the same thing that happened to Boomtown.

Oh yeah. Football was on, too. No Cowboys. No Packers. No care.

Try this one on for size: I have the air conditioner on. It's cooler outside than it is inside. In Texas. In early September. Weird! The good part is, I have discovered the joy that is sleeping with the windows open. So tell me. How come when they turn down the a/c in the office to 70, I'm freezing, but I can sleep with the windows open when it's 58 degrees outside and be fine?

Maybe Clay Aiken can sing the Pink Panther theme and it can all come together

As with most mysteries, I think Jessica's theory on TOIL is only partially right. She came over on Tuesday to watch the Amazing Race with me (which was Amazing indeed. Colin is soooooooo slimy!).

So while I was cooking ( I felt so domesticated! Felt kinda good.), I'm filling her in on what happened Sunday after she left. Apart from me hitting "Proud Mary" outta the ballpark, I mentioned that Brad kinda laid into me in a not so respectful way. He thinks I'm taking it "all" out on him. I'm like, dude, that is totally in your head. How come I'm only taking it out on you? How come no one else seems to have a problem with me having a problem with Captain Kangaroo? Why is it JUST YOU? Ugh. He does not want to listen. I think he only wants to create drama. And when I sense that, I am OUT! I'm done. So I just said, "I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being a bitch to you. It was not my intent." And with that, I had my keys and I was gone. Wha. Tever.

Wow, that was off subject. So anyway, then she commented on what I had written before about all of her theories and once again, I told her she was totally nutso for thinking that TOIL actually likes me. Because, just....there's no way. He has had plenty of opportunity. Then, just as in those Agatha Christie books that I love to read, I realized that I had overlooked a small detail that very well may be the solution. Jessica suggested that maybe he knew about my silly little crush (yes, that's what I'm calling it!). I said, no way. Who knows up there? Wanna know who knows? A BUNCH OF DRUNK PEOPLE! It is very possible, now that I think about it, that someone may have slipped. The Chief. He is always asking what I need. He is the sweetest man ever. I truly believe that if there was something I needed, he would find a way to make it happen. But he's like my uncle, so don't even think about going there. So anyway, when he asks me what I need, I usually say "that right there" and point at TOIL. So The Chief knows of my love. I wonder if he slipped without even knowing it. And if he did it knowingly, he was trying to help. I'm sort of OK with that because I know he's doing it out of love, but at the same time, I really want TOIL to come to adore me on his own terms....should he decide to or something.

Hm, I was perusing my old blog posts to see if I ever wrote about how I came to love TOIL. I don't think I did write about it, but I found this post which kind of amused me and gives some insight to the newbies who are all "what the hell is a TOIL?" Hee! So anyway, what happened was WAAAAAAAAAAAY back in March during that one big basketball tournament. Texas was still in it. I really have a hard time caring about college sports unless it's my college or Texas. So I was up there by myself watching the game. It was too crowded at the bar, so I was at a little table that's half booth, half chairs, right? Right. So he gets a break and comes and sits down next to me on the booth side. He says he's on a break and lays his head on my shoulder. (!!!!!) We chit chat about the game and how we both love Texas and blah blah blah. And then he says, "I haven't been on a date in so long. Seems like I'm always working." Now smart me, the hindsight-is-20-20 me would have said, "Oh, you should try lunch dates. Do you ever work during the day?" (He runs his own business when he's not bartending, just FYI). This would have naturally progressed into "Want to have lunch Tuesday?" or somesuch. But NO! Stupid me had to go and be all "Oh, but we love it when you're here! You bring all the beautiful people in" or some lameass attempt at a compliment. Oh ha ha you funny stupid girl! But what I was thinking at that moment was "How could this guy have trouble getting a date?" Mind you, this was before I realized I loved him. So he got up and went back to work. And it puzzled me that he would say such a thing to me. And then it puzzled me that I was puzzled at all about it. And then, just like that part in Clueless where Cher figures it all out, the fountain lit up and I realized. I love TOIL. And now it has been SIX MONTHS! And three girlfriends. Hm. So this one is scheduled to be doomed abooooooooout....gets out calculator.....Halloween? But she's a waitress there? I hope if they break up, he doesn't feel like he can't come in there any more. I hope he gets the bar in the divorce. Apparently, he was a regular there before he started working there. OK, I'm thinking way too much about something that is never going to happen. Those guys hang out all the time and I am there 2 nights a week, tops. He makes me laugh and no man will ever match up to him in my mind, so basically I'm screwed and not in a good way. Pathetic!

I'm outie!

Lettuce Give Thanks (as long as it's not shredded)

Today I am thankful for my chair for it prevents me from falling on my ass yet again.

Forever and ever, amen.

Labor Day TV Programming Sucks!

Geez, how much tennis and golf can we watch? Luckily, Spike TV was nice enough to give us a CSI marathon! Oh thank Ian! And is it just me or does Gil Grissom get hotter as he gets older? Hm, maybe it's just me. I'm OK with that.

Jessica says....

Man, I hope she's right. But ultimately, I think she's nuts. That 1/3rd of a beer really took a toll on her. So here's the dealio. We go out to the bar. There are 3 men of interest there. Brad, TOIL, and Captain Kangaroo. Her clarity on 2 out of 3 of these men make me hope that she's right about the third. Ha!

The case of Brad: She asks me if he had made any snotty comments to me. I said no, just made a friendly little joke and moved on. I ask her, why such an ass last night? Jessica says, he probably thought you were on a date and just wanted to either make you look bad or feel bad. Hm, that makes a lot of sense. I show up with a guy: he's an ass. I show up alone and sit next to Tim (father of adorable 14 year old and in the "drunken uncle" class of men from the bar) and the only ribbing I get is about not saving him a seat. Hm, Jessica Theory accepted.

The case of Captain Kangaroo: We move to the opposite side of the bar to accomodate two more friends that are on their way from the airport (Hi Annique and Aria!). Captain Kangaroo comes in and sits at the table directly behind us. I could literally reach over the back of my chair and touch his arm. I actually smelled him before I saw him. He doesn't wear a lot of cologne, he just has a unique, light scent about him that is totally hot. So we note that it's kind of cold in the bar. I said, yeah it'd be nice if I had my JACKET! (I say with a sideways glance). I turn to her and ask, Why would he bother coming to me and saying he wanted to be friends and then ignore me? I don't get why he ignores me! Jessica says, that's what fifth graders do (she's a 5th grade teacher, so she's the expert). A guy likes a girl so he just stops talking to her. Which, give a shout out if you agree, IS RETARDED! He is thirty-one years old!!! How can you not know how to act around a girl you like? Then again, I'm not totally sold on the idea that he likes me but I have no alternative theory. I'm just truly stumped, but Jessica's theory holds water since CK has admitted to "pigtail pulling" before.

TOIL: Sigh. He is so lovely. He actually got to sit at the bar with us. He got there after me, but before we moved over to the other side. He says hi to everyone, just going down the bar. And then he gets to me.....nothing. I get a glance. I'm all....scuse me? It wasn't a dirty look or anything. I'd say it conveyed nervousness more than anything. Then Jessica shows up. She gets a huge hug, a how ya doin, a short conversation. I'm like, HEY! So we get up and move over to the other side. I'm carrying my trivia box and my beer, so no time to stop and talk. Then Aria and Annique show up and Aria gives Jessica a Livestrong bracelet. He immediately jumps in and they have a pretty entertaining conversation about the bracelets. Once again, I get a couple of glances here and there, but other than that, nada. The most I got was when a guy showed up and asked if anyone was sitting in the chair next to me. I say no. The guy on the other side of the seat says no. TOIL is in the next seat over and sees it all. He then gives me the "Oh yeah, get ya some of that" look. And I gave him the "Oh, I don't think so" look right back. We went back and forth on it and ended up having a giggle over it. I turn around to talk to Jessica and turn back and the guy was gone. I look at TOIL and he gives me the "you lost your chance" look. He's so adorable. I could just.....well you know. So I mention how he had not said hardly anything to me all night yet was just fine talking to the other 3 girls. I mean, his girlfriend was working but if you're worried about her getting jealous, talking to 3 gorgeous girls really isn't the way to go. So I asked Jessica. Why would he not talk to me? Here's the kicker....wait for it.....Jessica says, because he loves you. Wha? Are you insane??? He is not aware of my existence! She says....because he likes you and doesn't know how to act. OK, listen, he has got this really cute, really sweet girlfriend. Why in the world would he want anything to do with me? I don't get it.

So 2 out of 3, I buy her theories. They all boil down to one basic theme: Boys are stupid. I mean, I thought girls were supposed to be the enigmatic, strange, confusing ones. Just say it! I'm not a mind reader!

In the wise wise words of Avril Lavigne: Why you have to go and make things so complicated?

Oh man, I'm really hungry. I should get dressed and painted and go forage for food. My alma mater, UNT is playing UT tonight so maybe I'll go watch that. TOIL might be there since he's a huge UT fan. But that's not why I'm going. Doesn't hurt, though. Word.

Maybe I DO have to think of everything....

Yahoo is broken and I have 45 minutes before I go home. That means I can write approximately 3 sentences. Ha! For those of you that don't know, it usually takes me about 2 hours to write a medium size entry. I'm not writing the whole time. I don't really know what's going on for most of that time, really. Anyway!

First of all GO COWBOYS!!! Shane came down from Tulsa yesterday and we went to the Cowboys game. It was my first NFL game even though it was preseason and Shane likes the Chefs. I really don't care that it was preseason. Maybe next time we can get into the stadium in under an hour. Ha! We had a great time driving around saying "It's right there, how come we can't get in?" Surprisingly, we had no problems leaving. Oh, and the Olympic women's gymnastics team was there with their shiny silver medals. Minus Carly, of course. I think she was at a homecoming party at her gym in Plano. That's what Kidd Kraddick said, anyway. Speaking of which, she's going to be on the show on Tuesday at 7 a.m. if anyone wants to catch it. So I got some pictures of them. They're from far away, but dammit, I got pictures! And after halftime, they walked up the stairs from the field up to the concourse right in the middle of the stands and when they were about halfway up, people started noticing they were there and gave them a standing ovation. In Texas Stadium. While the Cowboys were playing. That's saying something right there.

Oh, and Shane bought me a giant foam finger. At first, I was all "Geez, how retarded. A foam finger. It's just going to make my hand sweat." That is, until I realized that when I point with a giant blue foam finger instead of my white bony finger, it seems to make more of an impact. Also, doing The Donald's signature "Ya fayud" cobra hand with a giant blue foam finger is incredibly entertaining. OK, maybe you need a margarita and 3 beers first, but it IS entertaining.

After the game, we went to The Bar. The FIRST THING Brad says to me..."Are you gonna be a bitch tonight?" What. The. HELL? I said..."Well, if you talk to me like that, yes I am." And he's all, "You have been sort of bitchy lately." WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON??? All I did was walk in and order a beer!!! Shane can back me up on this one. I didn't do a damn thing to the guy. WTF??

OH! And TOIL was there!!! I hadn't seen him in at least 3 weeks. He is still magically delicious. Mrowr! He gave me a hug and I'm sure I was smelling like eau de Texas Stadium. That place has a hole in the roof, but still manages to be very poorly ventilated. Go fig. Anyway, he said he transferred but he still lives here so he can come hang out when he's not working. Whew! He also said I should come out and see him at his bar some time! Awww isn't that sweet??? It's too damn far, though, to go see someone who doesn't even know I'm alive. *Cue Clay Aiken*

OMI what is wrong with Yahoo mail? I mean, if they're going to be working on the damn thing and it's going to be a pain to get into why don't they like, oh I don't know, send out an email? Maybe they don't have everyone's email address or something. Or, here's another great idea, why don't they just put a little service "sticky note" on the front page? That seems to be working fine. Geez, do I have to think of EVERYTHING?

Well, it's almost time to evacuate the premises. I don't have to make the 100 mile trek to deliver my precious child to her grandparents' today because Andrew is kind of a dumbass (which we all knew) and forgot to pay his electricity bill (even though he had the money which is, as he will tell you himself, even more stupiderer than having it cut off when you don't have the money). So instead of staying in his heat-trap of an apartment, he went to stay with his mom and just took the ankle-biter to work with him so I don't have to make the big loop. And thank goodness because according to the traffic report, I would probably have to deal with a myriad of troubles and would probably not get home until about 9:00 tonight. A four hour trip home is ludicrous when you live 1.2 miles from work. Word.

Good Times

I was perusing the other blogs and stumbled upon this little gem. It will warm your cold dead heart. Make sure you check out the guest map. Super rad. Oh, and I found this joke on it:

Car Problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer,
and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke
down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think
it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and
something's wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you
think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get
back in."

I hadn't heard that one before. Ha! Then again, I'm quite easily amused.

Hey, look, reader mail!

southerngirl1 writes:

Ok, I have been out of the loop for a while and trying to catch
up...now I see something about a Brad. I am so confused!! All I can tell is it
seems like from the previous post something set you off. I guess I need to catch
up after two weeks.

Brad is my friend who is allegedly in love with me. When I started "seeing" Captain Kangaroo, man was he PISSED! And then I'm all, look dude, you do NOT own me. Then he was all, yeah I know, I'm just being a doof. That whole group of people has got some serious territorial issues. I mean, yes I have issues (hence the address to my blog), but I don't go around claiming every guy I've ever liked as mine mine mine and if you like him, then we're not friends! Most of my issues involve things like: rejecting pork yet welcoming bacon; never allowing pink, red, and orange to touch (Ever! I don't care if it's a "rainbow"); never eating any dessert made from a vegetable (it's just wrong). These are issues that I never expect anyone else to understand mainly because they do NOT CONCERN OR AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE! But when you start getting pissed off because some girl that you never even went out with goes out with someone else? Come on. I know it's not easy, but it's something we all get to go through and deal with. I mean, sure I act like I'm allergic to shredded lettuce, but that doesn't mean that I can't be happy for TOIL when he gets a girlfriend.* Right? Well, sort of. But I certainly won't harass him about it. Sexually harass, maybe. Oh, by the way, TOIL doesn't work at my bar any more. He transferred because the girl he is seeing is a waitress at our bar. I'm all....SO??? There's no rule against that! What about ME?? Your future wife? Sigh. Oh well. At least she's cute and sweet. I never had a chance anyway. I hear that existing is usually a prerequisite for mating. That's just a rumor (rumour for all the Canadians out there), though.

OK, here's another gem of a blog. Foxy Librarian. I don't care if she's foxy or not, but I find her amusing. I also find that I have to look up some words she uses. This is a good thing. She's a pretty good writer, too. Apprently, lots of characters frequent the library.

*Upon the post-writing read-through, I realize that this sentence makes zero sense. I also realize that it makes me laugh even more BECAUSE it makes no sense. I am the master of the non sequitur segue.