It HAS worked! You've given everything away!!!

Jinkies! Looks like one of my mysteries may be solved. After careful consideration, I believe I know who you are, Stewed Hamm. Your blinding wit and this comment gave you away:

Sevi truly is the devil sliding up to all of us.

Hmmmm. Let's see. One Night in Bangkok references do not just fall out of the sky, my dear. ESPECIALLY in conjunction with our dear friend Sevi, who has, heretofore, an unmatched obsession with that song. After reviewing some more details with a very reliable source, I am sure you are the one who came to visit me a couple years ago only to point out my strange affection for red sleeveless shirts and then ended up marrying a lovely girl with a strange affection for Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

At first, I accused Sevi, because seriously, how many people make the Bangkok connection? But he rattled off 3 very good alibis. He also gave me a short list of suspects. Two, in fact and one was a woman. You, my dear, are not a woman (just FYI). And then I started noticing post times. Hm, who could be up at that time of night? At first I had eliminated you as a suspect since you have posted under "anonymous" before and signed your name. It turns out, it was all a clever ruse.

You are the sneakiest sneak who ever sneaked!!!

And I love ya for it. I don't know if you were dropping clues along the way for me to pick up on or if they were unintentional. Either way, now that I know who you are, I realize that I should've figured this out a long time ago. It's like the last page of a mystery novel! Such a relief! Anyway. Glad to hear you're feeling better. You're awesome. Love your blog.

Orgies??? What do they sell THERE!?!?

I know I'm a bad bad blogger, but holidays and all that jazz and you still love me, right? Anyway!

So I went home for Thanksgiving. And my parents are so sweet! My mom made the hugest dinner ever and even went shopping with me on Friday afternoon so that I could have some grown-up time. Yeah, grown-up time shopping for toys, it turns out. Hee! And my dad... his shoulder is growing back all weird. Geez, he sounds like a starfish or somethin. Apparently, they put him in the wrong kind of sling so his bones started fusing together wrong and blah blah blah basically, it'll take a little longer to heal but everything should be a-ok in no time. And oh yeah, he's already riding his bike again. It's a good thing he lives in Wichita Falls because the loony bin is RIGHT THERE!

And hm, what else? We did the drawings for Gabi's co-parent's family's Christmas gifts (need a diagram?). I mean, they're Mexican and I'm seriously starting to think that there is literally a million of them. I have been going to their family functions for FIVE YEARS now! That's like, 6 functions a year, so we're going on 30 functions...and every time, there is someone new there. "We're related to them, TOO? Where does it END???" So luckily, I am considered a part of the family even though I never married the co-parent. So I drew the co-parent's brother in one of the drawings. Like, half the time he hates me, half the time he wants me to marry his brother and the other half, he finds me merely annoying. I know that's three halves, just mix n match, OK? Anyway, weird situation. One I cannot mess up. Must think thoroughly......

And so I come home Saturday afternoon (from the 'rents) because it looked like it was going to rain on Sunday and people just looooove to freak out about water falling from the sky. So this means: I actually get to go out on Saturday night. Wooooohoooo! Grown-up time! I get home, take a shower and go see Jessica. She's working at the mall so shopping plus friend equals good! So I bug Jessica for about an hour, then meander around the mall scoping out presents and at about 7:45 decide to give it up because I'm not buying anything today anyway. It's early. But I go to the bar anyway. I was already clean, so what's the point in going home just to turn around and go back out an hour later? Right? RIGHT? So, I get there and my cute, fake, 20 year old (but only for another week!) boyfriend is working. I promptly get in trouble for being absent on Friday night. Awesome! He's so adorable. And he called me his girlfriend TWICE! I have yet to see him outside that building, but....OK!!!

So keep in mind...I got to the bar at 8:00. That's 5 hours of drinkin I get to do. I stick with beer, but still....that's two hours more than most nights. So as I tell you the goings-on of the rest of the night, please keep in mind that they might not be entirely accurate and that they were ten times funnier in person. OK, let's have roll call. We got ME! And Jessica got there about 10, and Brad, and CK, and our friend Lasr. Yes, he has the coolest name in the world and it is Lasr. And you say it LAY-sir. So it's almost like "lazer" but not quite. Because lazer should always be spelled with a Z. Aaaanyway! Lasr was actually there before me. So he had been drinking, I believe, for 2 hours before I even got there. So however stupid I was? Lasr was 2 hours ahead of me. OK, so also there was Sooner (who is a dirty old man!) and his friend we'll call...L, who was sitting right next to me. And we were playing some jukebox trivia (before I was sloshed) and I heard her say, "Oh, I don't know this one." And I mean, I came in on the second half of the game, so it's not like I was going to win. So I leaned over and said "One. It is totally one, I know this answer, it's one." She totally ignores me. She gets it wrong. Um, OK, maybe she doesn't hear me. Same thing happens a few questions down..."Alicia Keys. The answer is Alicia Keys." This time, I KNOW she can hear me because Sooner hears me and he's on the other side of her. She gets it wrong again! What the...? So I am not liking her. I mean, come on! Have some bar comraderie! So Lasr comes over to visit. Well, he comes over to visit Jessica, actually, because they have some torrid love affair going on or something (not really, but it's fun to pretend). So here's the order, all in a row: Sooner, L, Me, Jessica, Lasr. So....Lasr has this hot thing going for him. He is cute and a total smartass, which....yeah, hot. So my boyfriend decides to hook him up with L. Now, I did not realize that my darling bf had anything to do with this debacle until later. So here comes L. Pretty much gets between Jess and Lasr and uh...not a whole lot of real estate there. She was totally in Jessica's aura! And I totally understand because I cannot STAND IT when people I don't know are in my space. It just.......gives me the willies. I think it just bugged the shit out of Jessica. So she takes this opportunity to eavesdrop. "Wha? Her dog just had puppies? Her stepmom died of an overdose five years ago? Is this the kind of information we give out before we've even exchanged numbers?" So L goes to the bathroom. Ooh girl, Jessica is all about asking him a big fat WTF??? He infers that there is nothing going on there and he is going home RIGHT NOW. Without her! Jessica is all...I don't care what you do just get her outta my space (in a loving, very unbitchy way). And then. This convo:

Jessica: I'm so tired
Lasr: Why?
Jessica: Man, I just worked for like, nine hours!
Lasr: Oh yeah? Where do you work?
Jessica: Origins
Lasr (part wide-eyed wonder, part evil): ORGIES??? Oh my god, what do they sell THERE???

We both just fall out laughin. Yeah, that was really loud, dude. I think he was kidding, but to be honest, I cannot be totally sure. Either way, the guy's a riot.

So Lasr leaves (as always...sad face) and well, L doesn't give up so easily so she starts hitting on Lasr's friend Ryan, who...he's pretty cute and likes to flirt with me so...OK. So Ryan takes Lasr's old spot next to Jessica. And L has her back turned to Jessica as she is mackin on Ryan and she is ALL up in his stuff. So Jessica gets a napkin and writes something on it and holds it up behind L's back so Ryan can read it. He gets this look on his face like, DUDE! Cut that shit out!!! L notices and turns around kinda suspicious....I'm all, "What did you write? Gimme the napkin!" So she lays it down gently on the bar and oh-so-subtly glides it over to me. It says "CLOSE THE DEAL!" So I'm laughin. Jessica's laughin. Ryan's trying soooo hard not to laugh. And L is positively hating our guts by now. And BF comes over and is all, "You need to come in early more often."

That's all I remember. Except for the part where Jessica and I read the subtitles to a Radiohead video. In really terrible British accents.

CK update: He hates me. But it's OK because well, he's kind of a jerk. I'm going to try to keep the CK updates as short as humanly possible from now on. I'll get 'em down to one word and then before you know it *POOF* they're gone! I hear that'll make some people verrrry happy! Here, have some sample words that I may use in the future: bum, jerk, ass, punk, _____-phobe, idiot, asshole, jackass, jackhole, prick and um....hot.

Man, I've written too much already. I have a ton of TV opinions, but that'll have to wait until um...Wednesday because tomorrow is AMAZING RACE!!! Everyone. Please say a prayer that the truly vile Jonathan gets Philiminated. Amen.

But before I go, mad props to Sevi for sending me the best headline ever! Seriously, I hope that link lasts forever. Aw, fuggit, I'll cut and paste. As long as I include the link, it's OK, right? Dammit I hope so. I don't want to go to jail.

Giants: Hand pulls groin
by Fanball Staff - Fanball.comMonday, November 29, 2004

News
Giants defensive tackle Norman Hand strained his groin in the third quarter of Sunday's game against the Eagles and did not return to the game. "I didn't know big guys had groins," he told Newsday. "I'm finding out today that I actually have one." Hand hopes his sore groin won't keep him from playing the 'Skins next Sunday.

Views
We'll check back with Hand throughout the practice week to see if he'll be ready for the Redskins' game.

Take away that "s" in Giants and it's literally...a whole new ball game.

Hey! Remember ME?

Quick holiday shopping tip before I get started: No matter how good that jar of Origins cream smells, it does not taste even half that good. But it will make your tongue kinda tingly. Just FYI.

Man, I have been MIA for almost a week! A bad blogger am I. So.....what's been goin on......

Jessica and I did some Christmas shopping this weekend. Man, we are SO LOUD when we're out together! I would normally think that this would bother other people (especially in Barnes & Noble), but most of the people that I noticed that were noticing us were laughing with (at) us. Because...I don't know, we just laugh and goof off. Like, we got seperated in B/N and, of course, I got enamored with the atlases and was ooh-ing and aah-ing at them. And out of nowhere, here comes Jessica from like 2 aisles away, "I am SO not getting Ryan anything for Christmas!" And, without even looking up, I said, "GOOD!" And when I looked up as Jessica approached I noticed two surprised ladies right behind her. I don't think they realized that Jessica was talking to me and thought maybe she was talking to them. And then I noticed the ladies noticing us. And then the ladies noticed me noticing. Then the ladies put the pieces together and one goes..."Yeah, he doesn't deserve one anyway!" Hee! Yay cool ladies!

Hey, don't you just love it when you're shopping and you're all blissful and the Christmas music is playing and ah, peace on earth good will towards men, and then some cranky old lady cuts you off with her shopping cart? Yeah, I decided (with some help from, you guessed it, Jessica!) that this Christmas is all about good will towards cranky ladies. Sure, we could've parked there or there or there or there, but we're going to park in the back and let some cranky old lady gunning for the best spot in the lot have the good one! And you know what? Leave that box with the broken ornament in it for some cranky old lady to get a discount on! She needs some holiday cheer! And you might lend some relief to the family of cranky old lady. Maybe, just maybe, this year she won't be as cranky. Ah. Now don't you feel better?

I have been trying to resist the holidays this year. Didn't the Christmas stuff come out like...November 1st? That Old Navy commercial was right on...The holidays are gonna hit you like a brick. So true. But as we were navigating the (far too narrow) aisles of Garden Ridge, I almost got a little sparkle in my heart. A little tug on my Christmas spirit. You see, the past few years, the holidays have been more frustration and exhaustion than joy and peace. But alas, I think I have it figured out this season. Hopefully, I can enjoy. Although. Today. I had to RSVP for the "Christmas party" for work. Ugh. "Just one for me!" Sit down dinner for you and a guest. Well. Isn't it lovely that I'm the only one in our office without a significant other? This should be fun. Think being a third wheel is bad? How about 19th wheel? And it's not like I can just bring a friend. Hate! Free meal, though. I shouldn't bitch. But I'm gonna anyway.

Oh! And Saturday? SOMEBODY was totally flirting with me! Sure, he was wasted, but when you're drunk, your inhibitions are gone. He's not thinking about playing games with me, he's only thinking about what he wants (ME! HAHAHA!). I mean, HE came over and sat by me. HE pinched the hell out of my thigh (which....ow!). HE totally rang me with a completely unsolicited text message that could definitely be taken as a proposition. That time I was out of town? Could easily be taken as a joke since it was obvious that I was gone. This time? Not so much. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEEEAN? I know I know. Don't overanalyze! But is it OK if I just....analyze? I mean, the clear course of action is "nothing," but what does it all MEAN? I'm sorry guys, I know that a lot of you think of him as a jackhole, but we have definitely got this weird chemical thing going on. I can't explain it and there is absolutely no reason why I should like him, I JUST DO! Maybe it's a crush. And we all know that crushes make us really stupid and we don't know why. But I don't know how to get over this one! Especially when he keeps flirting with me! Not just talking in a friendly manner, but outright flirting! Sigh. I don't know who's more stupiderer. Him for not being able to decide if he likes me or me for getting weirded out when he flirts with me. Pfft! Both!

So to sum up, boys are stupid (and I'm not far behind), have a good time with strangers, think of the cranky old lady and new ways to make her day better, and don't eat the Origins.

The End.

A day at the Races

I'm wearing this new shirt today. It's this weird color of green that pretty much matches my eyes. Which...kind of weird. I don't know how to really describe it. It's sort of guacamole, olive-ish, medium...you know, I think my parents used to have an El Camino in this color, if that tells you anything. I can't decide if I like it. Looks good with my hair. I shall keep it.

I noticed a guy checkin me out on the freeway yesterday in his side rear-view mirror. Well, I hesitate to call it a "freeway" even though technically, it is "free." But it's tough to call something "free" when you're crawling along at 10 miles per hour because there's some fender-bender COMPLETELY OFF ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD but two police cars are blocking the entire left lane. Huh? I respect the law enforcement community so I respectfully keept the cussing under my breath and inaudible to the fine men in blue as I passed them.

Oh man. AMAZING RACE IS BAAAAAAAAACK! And of course it is awesome and Phil Kheogan is this strange kind of hot. My only problem is that I really need to get past last season. I just need to let it go. I keep yelling, "Whatever Collin!" and "Shut up, Christie!" and commenting that "they'll never be as good as Chip and Kim." I need to move on! Find someone new to love/hate! OK, I already hate that damn yappy "entrepeneur" guy...Jonathan, maybe? Just goes to prove, boys: even if you have a Ferrari, if you're a jerk, we still hate you. I do like that some of the Racers are actually aware that this is a race. What I found amusing were the people who said they didn't like camping. Well, this is certainly the game for you, then. You should try Survivor next time. No camping on that one, either. Anyway, looks to be a good season even though the funniest team got the boot first. And for all of you "reality show" haters, let me say this to you: just like there are good and bad scripted shows, there are also good and bad reality shows. It's not all Fear Factor and Real World, I PROMISE! This show is well-cast, witty, interesting, well-edited and just all-around good watchin'. And it's not like most competition reality where you are required to undermine someone else to further yourself (Survivor, Apprentice, yeah I'm lookin at you, Burnett! Oh wait. This is a Burnett show. Aaaaaanyway......). It's truly all on you and your teammate to plan and work well with each other. Trust me. If we watch the good and ignore the bad, the bad will fizzle and die and the good will just get better. But alas, we like what we like. I'm just asking that you not poo-poo upon a show just because it was not born of a script.

I went over to Jessica's to watch The Amazing Race, but first we went to eat and it was so good and I've never seen such large men drink such large margaritas before. They looked really good, but I feared a hangover at work so I abstained (from the men and the margaritas). And then Gabi called and asked what she should draw. I was like, "....." Apparently, at school, all she wants to do now is draw and paint and color, which I think is super-cool. Because for a five year old? Yeah, I'm pretty impressed. So I told her to draw a pony. I mean...who doesn't like ponies, right? And she says, "Hm. No, I don't want to draw a pony. What about a zebra?" So grown up. I told her that I would absolutely love it if she drew a zebra. My little baby. Lovin the Z as much as her momma. Hee!

And THEN after The Race that is truly Amazing, Jessica was the nicest person ever and burned a CD just for lil ol me! It's awesome and to tell the truth, I don't even really remember what we put on it except for Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal." But that was kind of the point, I guess. Just to put a bunch of good songs on a CD and not worry too much about what order they're in so I can pop it in any time for some euphonic goodness. Word.

Speaking of words, this one's fun to say: ballyhoo.

The tortured soul of a Cowboys fan

Cowboys are playing the Eagles tonight. In front of the entire nation. I have been an Eagles lover/hater in the past. Mainly because I kinda like Donovan McNabb. But during the pre-game show tonight, they showed the footage from that game where the Eagles fans were throwing not only ice, but like...BATTERIES at Jimmy Johnson! What a bunch of jerks! And once again, the fans have taught me to hate a team. (Please see: Yankees, Red Wings, Lakers) Now, I realize that Cowboys fans can be a little obnoxious. We didn't get that (Snickers?) commercial for nothin. But you will never see a Cowboys fan throwing things at the other team. You will NEVER see Cowboys fans mis-treat a fan for the other team in Texas Stadium. And on top of the Eagles' obnoxious fans...Terrell Owens. I forgot he plays for them now. Man. You just don't score and then run onto our star to celebrate. That ain't right, dude. He deserved to get sacked. And I seriously doubt that Dallas fans will ever forgive him for that.

Cute Desperate Housewives tie-in at the beginning. I'm not sure how the guys liked it. I'm relatively sure the chicks dug it, though.

I really hope they win. Which is very different than thinking that they will actually win. Sigh. Um. I've never had this feeling before but uh...did you guys see the guns on that ref??? I'm not supposed to like the refs especially when they're calling stuff for Philly, but to tell you the truth, that's all I'm aware of what he said. Like. Wow. Weird! Well, turns out that ref made a very bad call that gave the ball to the Eagles when it should've been Cowboys ball on like, the 20. So now I hate him, I don't care how impressive his guns are.

While I'm waiting for something interesting to happen during the game, I'll share with you my dining experience. We eat at this fantastic little local Tex-Mex restaurant called Angelina's. It's about 2 steps away from my apartment complex, so we eat there aaaaalllll the time. And you know how you can live with something until you really notice it and then it drives you nuts? Like, you hear a song on the radio and it's fine until you realize that it uses the exact same 8 count riff through the entire song and then that's all you hear and it drives you CRAZY??? (Yeah, I'm talkin to you, Usher!) Well, you know, Angelina's plays the "mexican music" as Gabi likes to call it. Like with all the damn accordions and such. And...accordions...not so much. Probably one of the more irritating instruments on God's green earth (second only to Kenny G). Well, I'd have to say that I've figured out the one thing that could make "mexican music" even more irritating: mexican rap. Terrible. Even worse, mexican conversational rap. Like, a man and a woman "conversating" back and forth. Even worse, to hear the bad spanish words bleeped out. Well, that's actually kind of funny because I keep trying to figure out what they're saying and what the bad words might be, but alas, no dice.

Geez, are we just going to punt the ball back and forth the whole game??? I swear, every time I turn around to check on the game....punt....punt....3rd down!....punt. 6:26 left in the 1st quarter.

Oh fabulous. TO scored. Can the guy ever act like he's been in the endzone before? He always has to celebrate like a fargin joik.

I just realized how incredibly weird I am for recapping a football game. I want to be TWOP so bad!

I realize that I'm a Texas girl and I'm supposed to like such things, but why does the McRib look so disgusting as to almost make me gag? I mean just....EW! Dammit! They just scored again. Beginning of second quarter. Man, this is not looking good. This might be the night I go to bed early. OH THANK BILL PARCELLS WE SCORED!!!! That was an AWESOME drive! Child don't even try to tell me it wasn't. Philly kicked it off and we had like, four plays and we were in the end zone. That ROCKS! It's trickery, I tell you. That old Parcells magic. (Yeah, we'll see how much we love him with 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter, hm?) As an aside, it's a really good thing I watch Cowboys games alone because I am a huge spaz. I have a ridiculous "we scored" dance that just isn't fit for the general public. I really think I'm going to injure myself one of these days in the midst of the we-scored dance.

I really hate Terrell Owens. HATE! Oh this is starting to get sad. 28-7. And it's only the second quarter. *sob* See, now this is starting not to be a case against GreenHead. It's starting to look bad for our defense, but the REAL problem is that McNabb is just amazing. I hate that I like him, but he's actually quite good.

Oh thank heavens. At least we're scoring OCCASIONALLY. My we-scored dance is quickly turning into heavy sighs of relief.

OMG that McNabb boy. He is amazing. I cannot believe this guy! A fourteen second play. A sixty yard pass. That is indeed impressive considering that most plays last about 4 or 5 seconds. Hm, no wonder these games take so damn long.

I think we all know how this game is going to end. It's going to be very sad for us loyal Cowboys fans. It shall be a dreary day tomorrow, indeed. Man, I think I'm going to give up this sad task. I'm not a giver-upper, but NOT looking good for the boys at this point! Eagles are about to score their 4th TD in a quarter. First time in the history of the franchise that the Cowboys have allowed this to happen. I refuse to believe that this is the WORST Cowboys team ever. Worst quarter ever? Quite possibly. Sigh. Sad face.

Well, at least one thing to brighten my night. Mm mm mm those Barber twins they are FINE! And there's like... two of them! Nice.

Methinks I'll go watch my CSI tapes. It's gross and disturbing, but at least there's justice at the end.

I may be a dumb blonde, but I know my bananas!

OK, that sounds really bad. But that was something I thought about saying quite loud at one point last night but thought better of it. One more beer though, and the whole world would've heard it.

So. Last night I come in to the bar. I had been shopping all day and felt quite good. And the first thing Brad (who is allegedly in love with me) says is, "Are you dumb blonde today?" OK, for one thing, I dyed my hair back to brown so is he just calling me dumb? I kind of blew it off because I do a great dumb chick impression (I hate saying dumb blonde because it is ridiculous to assume an IQ level based on how much melanin is in the dead cells also known as your HAIR). And unfortunately, guys either find it (acting dumb) as a turn-on or tell me that I do it "all too well," which...gee, thanks. I just do it because it is in such contrast to how I usually act. I find that it is the juxtaposition that is funny. ANYWAY! So one insult down.

So we're playing that damn NTN trivia (which I love). I wasn't playing, but our friend Emily (different Emily than the cute little redhead I went to college with) was playing and we were helping her with some answers. And one question was something about the US intervening in some civil war in 1926 (?) to protect their banana interests. And even before the options popped up, I was all "Hondurrrrrrrrras." And it turns out I was right. At which point, the title of this post popped into my head and I almost said it quite loud.

Luckily, I was being made fun of for watching The OC. By someone who watches WWE. Which would be the lovely bartender Jayme. She challenged me and said that if I just sat down and watched one episode with her so she could walk me through it and explain everything that I would be HOOKED! I just Maria-blinked at her and said the same thing about The OC. She refused. Whew, dodged that bullet! Because I cannot take all that testosterone-infused fantasy-land nonsense. At least The OC has Adam Brody to keep everyone hooked on his adorableness. Man, I need to find me a man like that. All lanky and dark-curly-headed and nerdy yet funny and really smart. SIGH! A girl can dream, can't she?

And then. Sheesh. We get into this damn gay marriage business (after some really ill-fated exchanges about the Patriot Act). You see, we (Brad and I) had had a heated conversation with one of our other friends about this (the gays and their matrimony) last night. His basic arguments were, "If I lived in Nebraska and I liked to screw my chicken Ethel, should I be allowed to marry Ethel?" Huh? And, "If we put all the gays on an island, they'd all die out." What does that have to do with.....? And my very favorite: "What's right is right and what's not right is wrong." Are you fucking kidding me? That's your argument? I then asked him, quite loudly, if he was the moral compass for the entire nation. "I'm sorry, I didn't know I could come to you with all of my moral quandries." To which there was much sputtering about me knowing what's right. I let him know that "what's right" is not butting into other people's lives just because you don't understand them. They're not hurting YOU, they're not hurting anyone! Just let them be! Anyway. I was relaying to Brad the part of the conversation that went on after he left, most notably the "moral compass" comment. He was all, "That was very classy of you. I bet it was also very loud." Huh? I said that he (whom I was arguing with) is a loud man, so yeah, I had to say it over him. Brad then goes on to basically tell me how "shrill" my voice is and calling me, yet again, a "sonic weapon" and that glass quakes with my approach out of fear. He thinks he's being funny, but really, it's quite insulting. So when he says this, I simply state that, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was so painful to listen to me talk so I'll shut up. He then turns into some sad little puppy dog begging me to speak to him. GEEZ! He just blatantly insulted me! Am I supposed to sit there and just take it? And say "Oh ha ha you're so right!" The only place he sees me is that damn bar and it is always quite loud in there, so what the hell am I supposed to do? Sit there and mumble like he does? Drives me out of my MIND! So Insult #2 is in the bag. Luckily, that's all the big insults of the night, but still....do I really need 'em? NO!

And then some good/bad news. My boyfriend got in an accident! Like, a bad one! He flipped his precious truck! My poor baby. Why can't he be more careful???? (Because he's 20!) I was so worried about him, but Jayme reassured me that he is fine and he even came in to talk to the manager so that he could have the night off (sad face). She said he was cut up a little and he brought in his door handle proclaiming that it was the only part left. Just, ohmigod. So I told Jayme that the next time she talks to him to let him know that I'm glad he's OK and if he needs any "private" physical therapy, that he could call me. She whips out her phone and is all, "Here, you call him." I'm all...uh...he's gonna think I'm nuts. Which, yeah, he probably did. It was like, 1:00 and of course, he was sleeping. I asked him how he was feeling and he said, "Sore." Awwwww! Poor punkin! So I just said that I was glad he's OK and go back to sleep and feel better. His sleepy-voice was sexaaaaaaay! You know, I can't figure out if I just find him adorable or if I want to do dirty things to him. He is TWENTY, after all and I feel a smidge dirty thinking about him in a sexual way. But he sure is pretty. And I think I just want to have a picnic with him or go bowling with him and just generally adore him.

You know what's weird? Watching basketball on Sunday instead of football. WEIRD! But...yay Mavericks! I mean, they only beat the Wizards, but still.....7-1!!! Best record in the league!! Hey Mark...what's up with the Kings (2-4)??? I mean, I realize the season is still in its infancy, but how am I supposed to win money off of you when the Mavs kick their ass if we already know who's going to win? Hm, I guess we've played more games than anyone except the Lakers (4-4!!!), but....OK, I'll give it another week before I start talking le smack.

Anyway. Time for laundry and tacos. More laterzzzz!

Guess who's a really good actor!

You know, one of my very favorite websites, Television Without Pity has a little figure of speech that I love. And by the way, this site is THE place to get your very funny recaps for shows you may or may not have missed. Also good for shows that you may or may not like. Anyway, they like to use the term "anvil" such as, it's raining anvils, the audience was being hit by anvils, the anvils were flying. Things such as this. And what this means is, when there is some underlying theme or supposedly subtle detail that the audience is supposed to figure out themselves, but the writers make it so blindingly obvious so that every viewer can "get it," leaving nothing to the imagination or left up for interpretation. CSI is the worst offender. Wednesday's anvil: the moth on Lost. Tonight's anvil: RAY LIOTTA IS A GOOD ACTOR (ER). The promos are irritating. "Every season, there is one patient, one story that stands above the rest." I wish I had a stopwatch so I could time exactly how much airtime he has. "Touch my face.....please." You know, I bet it would've been a much more powerful if NBC weren't whoring him out. Hype is only cool when the show can live up to it (24!). I guess this really is ER's only shot at getting more than three people to watch. I really wish they would cancel this show before it gets any more sad. Ditto for West Wing! It's over! Let it die! Go back to your drawing boards and come back to us with something we all want! Non-doctor, lawyer, police, or forensics shows! OK, so West Wing isn't really in any of those categories and kudos for being original...but really...time to ride off into the sunset.

OK, my thermostat says that it is 82 degrees in here which is total bullshit because I'm still freezing my butt off.

I love how the other two players in the boardroom on the Apprentice act so sad when their colleague gets fired. They're laughing big, hearty evil laughs on the inside.

Oh look, they start off with Liotta! I need a stopwatch for Christmas. OK, just about the entire first segment was RAY LIOTTA WHO IS A GOOD ACTOR! Is there a chance of any other "guest stars" getting any lines? Any chance of an extra with a speaking part? Maybe they spent all of their budget for talking extras on the big movie star. Hm, starting to look like the whole show is centered around RAY LIOTTA WHO IS A GOOD ACTOR! Man, are they going to kill him off in the first half of the show? I thought surely that such a good actor like Ray Liotta would warrant an entire episode all to himself. Back from commercial and Ray Liotta is such a good actor that he acted himself back from the brink of death! Wow, he really IS good! ER is really good about teaching us lessons about life. Deep, important meanings. Tonight, I learned that ShakyCam adds drama. And that it's OK to dedicate an entire episode to how great RAY LIOTTA is!

In other news: You know, they're having some adult industry awards show in Dallas. Nobody would know about it except for the strippers if it weren't for the damn news talking about it nonstop. Thank the Deity of Your Choice for slow news days, I guess.

Why the HELL is some stupidass car chase the top "breaking" story on the NBC news here in Dallas? WTF? Nobody was hurt, no shots were fired. All that happened is that the guy wouldn't stop and they chased him through four damn cities. Whatever, dudes. Just whatever. Changing to ABC.

Now that's more like it! The top story SHOULD be the veterans who have protected our freedom for the past 228 years.

A check back with NBC: strippers. Geez! Who cares if they're having a convention or if they promised no nudity? As long as they check any visitors' IDs, why are we worried? I don't get it.

Back to ABC: Man, WFAA's 10:00 news was all veterans. Wow. That is impressive. There is a reason this is my favorite spot for local news. I guess no weather tonight. Ah, who cares. It's cold and it ain't gonna rain for a few days. There's your weather. Wear a sweater tomorrow. Oh, how neat! They did a one minute weather snippet at 9:55 and now they're doing a couple minutes at 10:30 before Nightline. Nice, classy way to handle it. Sorry, didn't mean to get mushy on you guys....

This was not my best post. Sorry for the suck. I blame ER. Always bringin me down. Hey, remember when ER was really good? Like...your heart was pounding the whole time and when it was over, it felt like it had been on for 15 minutes? You know, like instead of two hours? And I realize that it's still in the top ten ratings-wise, but I think that's due to a lot of people like me who still watch out of habit.

Oh, checkitout, CBS apologized for pre-empting CSI last night. They're running it tomorrow night for those of us who missed the ending. Gee, thanks! Run it on a night when nobody's home. Way to go, CBS.

Hey, did you guys know that Ray Liotta is a really good actor?

Mixed Nuts

OK, listen. I realize that it is a very important development that Yasser Arafat died. I don't want to sound insincere, but....could it not have waited like...five minutes? Just as CSI: NY is showing us how the A-story really happened and resolving the whole thing....CBS cuts in. At 9:55. No other network cut in. I checked. I mean, I realize that CSI is piddly compared to the death of a major world figure. But 1) We knew this was coming. Not exactly breaking news. 2) Five minutes. That's all it would've taken. Anyway. May the Palestinians choose a peaceful leader to succeed him.

Other news: Suspended for two days. Alternative school for 30 days. Charged with theft. What could these high school students have done that was so bad? Took a soda out of an open vending machine. "No Tolerance" rears its ugly head. I certainly hope that the negative press encourages the school district to apply a more suitable punishment. A week's detention and an apology and uh...I don't know...pay for the sodas? Is this hard? Geez!

Friday night! He said "light freeze!" No! Winter! No! I want waaaaaaaarm! I hate hate hate cold weather. I should really move to San Diego. I could wear sandals all year long. Aaaah. And look at palm trees. Nice. Oh yeah...and ocean. Sigh.

Southerngirl called me on it a few days ago! I've been slacking on my reader mail. I guess she should go first then, hmmmm?

Southerngirl1 wrote (in part):

So, I got all excited when I saw that you got your jacket back from CK,
and then the co-parent asked you to go out. But then, you did not go out with
him. I actually was rooting for you (ok, I know I dont even know you, but I
guess I am a hopeless romantic and despite what you had said earlier in a blog
about him, I was wondering if finally he was coming around and wanting to try
something again (any hopes there on his end?) I guess in a way, it would be the
ultimate you didn't say your sorry ever way to get back at him (in my warped
mind, thinking this would be good revenge, but realize there is a child involved
so you have to be careful-the candy haze is starting to kick in now). Anyways,
not to analyze your situation, as I am a lawyer, not a psychologist, but what's
up with his parents? Sounds like they are rooting for you guys also! Do they
realize its over? Are you the only one who realizes its done and over?

Well, just to clarify, I don't think the co-parent was asking me on a date. And no, I really don't think there's any glimmer of a speck of a chance that we'll get back together. As he put it once, "Our relationship is very volatile." We've figured out, for now at least, how to keep it inert. And EVERYONE is happier for it. I believe his mom takes our getting along better as sparks reignited. We've tried to get that thought out of her head, but apparently, you are not the only hopeless romantic. And usually, I am hopeless as well, but I really think that anything between the co-parent and I is purely for the history books. I think he and I are the only ones who truly understand it. Oh, and my family and friends. They really didn't like him when we were going out and I am sure I would be in big trouble with them if we reunited. He was kind of a jerk to me, y'know? And I'm not really interested in revenge. Kharma will find a way to make that happen for me and it will be so much sweeter if I do not intervene.

Stewy (I think I know who you are) wrote:

Damn, your Dad is hard-core. Chew nails and spit them out as bullets
hard-core. I didn't think they still made people like that anymore... (not that
there's a Malaysian sweatshop churning out Dad-clones or anything)

My Dad does indeed rule. He was a Marine in 'Nam. You'd think he'd be some drill sargeant-type, but he's really just about the nicest, most level-headed person you could ever meet. He's also incredibly smart. Either he knows about it already, or he knows exactly where to look to find it. In fact, I'd venture to say that he is the smartest person I know. I am also certain that I could not have built a better Dad if I tried. He is truly the best. Yeah, I'm a Daddy's girl! What of it?

Dallas needs more than a new QB, they need a complete shakeup and a 2
year grace period. Jimmy redux, if you will.

Hey, isn't this the second season? Is the grace period not uppeth? Or is it the third....Either way....I thought we were supposed to "get good" the second year under Parcells? Is Parcells a failure or are the Cowboys just hopeless? It's just a happier week around here when the boys win. We're so getting slaughtered on Monday.

Just FYI: It took CNN.com 47 minutes to email me the breaking news of Yasser Arafat's death. That is, 47 minutes after CBS butted in to break it to us. Is that considered timely? I guess it's more useful when I don't have my TV on.

Oh! Dudes! I got so PEESED at work today. I'll try to keep it relatively short. Basically, there was an accident on my way to work and I got in 25 minutes late. I called before my scheduled arrival time to let everyone know the situation. An email was sent out to the entire office letting them know that I was stuck in traffic. Now. Is there anything I can do about an accident? NO! Were people still checking their watches disapprovingly when I got in? YES! So I put on my time sheet an hour of vacation time to make up for it. At the end of the day, my boss comes up to talk to me about something and as an aside was like, "Good job on putting the hour of vacation on your time sheet for today. [The Big Boss] was starting to question your whereabouts this morning." I was all...did everyone not get the email that I was stuck in traffic? What does it take for someone to "get" that this time, it was genuinely not my fault. When I'm late because I got up late, I take full responsibility. I take my licks, I apologize, and I make up for it. But geez, I come in late because of traffic and the office is all a-twitter. I was like, what about the woman who sends out a calendar notification halfway through the day and says that she's leaving an hour early and working through lunch? Like, every day! And what about like, half the office who stands around and talks for hours while my butt is planted firmly at my desk all day? I eat my lunch every damn day at my desk and continue to take calls even when I answer the phone crunching on Fritos. "Some guy's on line one asking about an address, I'll join you." That means, she hangs up and the dude is on the phone. How about, "Are you still eating? Would you LIKE me to transfer him to your voicemail?" No. Just bam, here he is. And what about the people who leave 10 minutes early to "beat the traffic"? Do they get shit? Of course not. Because at 8:30 am, all anyone is doing is standing around sipping their coffee, bullshitting and they see me come in late and start checking their watches. It doesn't matter that I go straight to my desk and get to work immediately or work through lunch or that I'm the last to leave every day. None of that matters! I was telling my boss all this, and I could feel my face getting hot. I could tell that HE wasn't mad, but he was just letting me know that people are chattering and it's getting back to the Big Boss. I was all, well, consider this a formal complaint about all the complaining. Tell people to mind their own damn business and our department will mind our own business. Geez!

Man, venting feels so good. And this is about a million dollars cheaper than "real" therapy. Hee! Anyway, I got a late phone call about creamed corn, so I have to go to bed now. Toodloo!

Christmas already?

My dear mother came to visit this weekend. She came in on Friday night and caught up on her TV shows while I went and played with my friends. I know this sounds terrible. My mother comes to visit and I take off??? Well, for one, she insists on watching JAG, which...David James Elliot is pretty and the writing is OK, but I'm just not interested. She also likes watching my Thursday night tape (CSI, Without a Trace) that I've most likely already seen. And also? She comes once a month, so it's not like I haven't seen her in a year. That, and she TELLS me to go! I swear. So anyway, I went. And we met up with our friend Shaneice whom I haven't seen in about 8 years and Jessica hadn't seen in about 10! So needless to say, we had some catching up to do. She's doing great with a wonderful husband, but they're moving to Washington DC in December so we had to catch up ASAP. I'm so glad we got to get together with her. She's a wonderful person and completely deserves her good fortune.

Then on Saturday, my mom helped me clean up the apartment (she's so good to me) and then took me to lunch/dinner (it's fun to eat at four thiiiiirty PM!), which was amazing. I don't know if Salt Grass Steak House is just a Texas thing, but if you see one and think maybe you should try it? Oh man. It's divine. I didn't have to eat again until this afternoon. That's 24 hours without solid food. I ate that much. And it was that good.

Sidetrack: I'm watching the Dallas reunion special. That song is so stuck in my head for the next week.

So after we ate, we went shopping. We walk in....giant Christmas tree. We turn right...a Christmas kiosk selling ornaments. We go straight ahead....Bath and Body Works has little red and green "Christmas trees" of gift boxes set up. Christmas threw up in my mall and it's not even Thanksgiving. I didn't know that the passing of Halloween marked the beginning of the Christmas season. I guess one month of commercialization just isn't enough. Christmas used to be fun. It actually used to be my favorite time of year. All the cinnamon, all the sparkly stuff, all the twinkly lights, all the pretty songs. Now I dread it. It conjures up memories of frustration and exhaustion. All the wondering if I got the right people the right gifts. All the driving. All the pressure to be everywhere at once. Of course, it's not me they want to see. It's the precious child they want to see, which I can completley understand! She wants to see them, too! I just wish there was a way that didn't require me driving from Dallas to Wichita Falls to Oklahoma City and back to Fort Worth in about 3 days. Even driving from here straight to OKC and back is 5 hours of driving (usually done during a 24-36 hour period). Is that really the way my baby should spend her holidays? In the CAR? I really don't know how to make this situation better. I can't just NOT go. I guess I just wish they'd let me decide where we go and when. Stop all the pressure. Not only do I have to negotiate with my family, I have to negotiate and plan with the co-parent. That's tough to do with someone who can't seem to plan more than a week in advance. I mean, I'm a planner. If it were up to me, Christmas 2004 would've been nailed down December 26th, 2003 and at the very latest, September. I just hate it because I can't say anything. I can only bitch and whine on my blog. Lucky you! I'm sure once we get everything planned out and negotiated, everything will be happy and fun and we'll have a good time. I really wish I could enjoy the holidays more. Dreading Christmas isn't exactly the path I want to take. I prefer the March-October holidays, I guess. Here's to St. Patty's Day! (And oh yes, just wait till Valentine's Day! Just watch for the claws to come out!)

Back to the Dallas reunion: they* recently did a study of how people outside of Texas viewed Dallas, as in the city itself. They found that most people still perceive it as the same as was depicted in the TV series. So....everyone thinks we all wear cowboy hats and boots and live on ranches and drive into downtown every day to do some shady oil business? I guess it's a step up from "they make you leave your car at the border and you have to ride a horse the whole time." Yes, I told that to someone once and yes, they believed me.

Man, there sure was a lot of shootin' in this show.

So anyway, Saturday I went out again and....was that a guilty look I saw? I have my suspicions on who this Mr. Anonymous could be. Jessica made a good point in that maybe he was speaking metaphorically when he said "I see you over there..." But then again, he did say "coming" and not "going." I know, I know: don't overanalyze! But if I want to solve the MYSTERY, I must. Don't you people watch CSI? But this mystery doesn't have fingerprints. Only words. But don't worry, Mr. Anonymous. If I figure out who you are, I won't be mad. But I still need some more observation of the suspects before I reveal who I think you might be.

*"they" meaning the Dallas Convention and Tourist Bureau. I can't find the exact article that I read, so you'll just have to trust me.

Go Cowboys!!!

OK, I'll admit that I was reading a magazine during most of the Cowboys game. But I occasionally did look up. And it seemed that every time I looked up, one of two things were happening: 1) The Bengals were scoring or 2) Vinny GreenHead was throwing an interception. This is so painful. I'm not sure I even want to watch the rest of the game. "What is going through Bill Parcell's mind right now," the football announcer man asks? I think I have a clue. "All of you m*$&%(f(&%#^s are so f@*$ing fired tomorrow so f%&*ing fast." Yeah, I bet it's going something like that.

In all of my delusional Cowboy fandom, I can only believe that Parcells is just playing a headgame with the rest of the NFL. We play crappy this season, make everyone think that GreenHead is our #1 quarterback and bench him halfway through the season (please!) so Drew Henson can come in and act like a struggling rookie and then.....BAM! Next season we come back blazing! We'll be unstoppable because everyone will think we suck but we're not going to suck! We're going to kick your ass!

Is there no suffering on Survivor any more?

Chocolate cake? Cheese and crackers? Fruit and coffee makers? Do you guys remember Survivor Outback? There was RICE! Only RICE! And my boyfriend Colby had to give up his Texas flag to get MORE RICE! So they didn't DIE!!! And dudes, do you guys remember Survivor Africa? They had to build a fortress to keep out the lions. That wanted to eat them! This season, the most deadly predator is Ami! No wonder I skipped Seasons 4-8 (unless All-Stars counted as 8, in which case I skipped 4-7. All Stars sucked me back in. And suck it did. Except for Colby. Mmmm Colby. )

Seems like the only person suffering is Rory. "I'm so tired of having female conversations." Haaaaaahahahaha! Hilarious. Also hilarious? Sarge saying that he didn't mind baring his ass because he'd been to Europe! And Ami??? A good attitude??? Are you SERIOUS???

Chad should've been gone a long time ago. Scout should be gone. And Lianne should be gone. Useless.

*Spoiler if you haven't watched it!*
I was truly shocked at the outcome. I really thought it would go the opposite way that it did. Now the guys know that Julie and Twila cannot be trusted as you could tell by the disgust on the guys' faces. I really wanted Ami to go. Actually, I wanted Lianne to go. USELESS! But I'll miss Rory and his maverick attitude. He was cool even though he was kind of a whiner.

Cutest thing ever: after Survivor, Gabi had to get in the bath. And now she's playing Survivor. Challenges, immunities, tribe has spoken, the whole thing.

Apprentice! I think this is the first entertaining episode of the season. And Trump's hair looks even worse in sunlight. And Ivana? USELESS! I love Jennifer. She's my favorite chick.

Gabi on Trump after he tells Bradford and Stacie to leave: He didn't even say please! He's the boss of them. Does he think he's the boss of the world?

*Spoiler* (Assuming that I'm not the only one watching)
Boooo on Raj getting fired! I hated him at the beginning of the season. But Ivana shoulda been gone a long time ago. Useless! Way to ask for Robin's phone number!! Ha! Priceless.

ER! DARLEEEENE!

Oh and I'd like to take this time to apologize for my election night "coverage." I had the intent of updating every half hour but....I got really distracted. Did I already apologize for this? I forgot to go back and check. Oh well, apologizing twice is better than just leaving it on an Al Sharpton comment and never looking back.
News: Listen. If you haven't actually caught the bank robbers? It's not breaking news!

Whoa. Wanna hear something kooky? I have to think about how to say this in a discreet manner...We were asked to check on something at work today. Verify an address for someone. Six hours later? Up in flames. Like, a lot of flames. In the wise words of Bill: Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

I wish I could comment on the other two "breaking stories" they were working on for us tonight, but I was freaking out so much about story #2 that I didn't see the rest. Not to mention that the co-parent called with his two cents on the above mentioned flame-fest. Weeeeeeeeeeird!

And as the news was signing off, they mention that it had been repossessed recently. Well, I guess it's not so weird any more, is it? Still. I wonder what the circumstances were surrounding the inquiry our office had. Guess I'll find out tomorrow!

I love that Victoria's Secret commercial where Tyra Banks acts surprised that she has boobs. Shut up, Tyra Banks.

Wow, you're still a jerk

Mr. Anonymous makes a (very lame) comeback:

OHHH so okay, as long as you get praise and accolades, it gets printed, but a
few negatives, and you must have them erased, so typical of your type.

No. I can take criticism. What I will not stand for is the way you insulted me. Like Stewy said, this is my blog and I can delete whatever the hell I want. You were just rude and there’s no place for that here. Calling me fat and pathetic is not something that I have to put up with.

Well quit coming to the bar so desperate eating your weight in cheesefries and
going on about that damn jacket.

I find it interesting that you would use the word “coming” in reference to the bar instead of “going.” That would infer that you go there as well. And that is interesting. I don’t eat my weight in cheesefries. I mention it one time and all of a sudden that’s all I eat? You’re just being rude. You have nothing to back up your idiotic claims. And that was my favorite jacket. I was trying to get it back for seven months. I get to be annoyed about that.

He doesn't care about you, you are living in a fantasy girl. I see you over
there acting so pathetic, just give it up. Just get over it.

I never once said that he did care about me. And how am I living in a fantasy? Did I ever say that I wanted to be his girlfriend? Did I ever say that I loved him? I made one vague reference to maybe liking him again (like 4 months ago), but backed away from that quickly. He had told me we were friends and when he didn’t talk to me, I found it confusing and frustrating. I think he’s hot. I like how he smells. And I like talking to him. How is that a fantasy? I have no expectations of him except that if he says we’re friends, then we’re friends. If you see me “over there” acting so pathetic, maybe you should stop by and say hi. You would probably see that all I’m doing is drinking my damn beer, playing my damn trivia, and flirting with the damn bartenders. I’ll also fight with Brad and laugh at the goofy stuff Jessica says. I’m there to relax and watch people. I’m not even really there to drink. The beer’s just a plus.

Please find another bar, so sad to see you this way.

Free country, free enterprise, public place. I will go to any damn bar I please until the management tells me I can’t any more. If my presence appalls you, maybe you should be the one to find a new bar. As I said before, this is MY blog. I write here because if someone doesn’t want to hear it, they can skip it! No one is MAKING you read any of this! Why are you here if you find me sooooooooo annoying? This is my therapy. And I take comfort in the fact that no one is obligated to read it.

Also, I find it interesting that you have yet to identify yourself. Must feel all safe and cozy behind that veil of anonymity, pointing your self-righteous finger at me. What a dickless wonder. You probably sit “over there” and pretend to by my friend every Friday night, yet criticize and gossip like a 7th grade girl behind my back. The least you could do was say it to my face and sign your name.

Election Mayhem!

7:30-8:00

OK, so I'm watching the projections. I find it interesting that they are projecting wins with only 2% of the precincts reporting for some states. Yet, some states LIKE FLORIDA are reporting 32% precincts reporting and no one's touchin it. Some statistics guru is explaining why, but all I hear is something about the differences in voter turnout. OK, maybe I left the room a couple times and made a phone call and reviewed my map. I WANT to listen. I just can't bring myself to listen so intensely.

I love this intense music of bell tolls. Such intensity!

Hey, AOL, I have an idea how to make the internet better! Stop sending me those damn CDs in the mail!

Oh and WOO! GO MAVS!

How exciting is it to literally watch history in the making? We could possibly know the winner by the end of the night. Before we all go to bed! This decision can literally change the course of history. I'm keeping track of the projections on the map in my Time Magazine. So far, one swing state has gone to each candidate. It's 7:58 and I'm already really tired of Exit Polls....

8:00-8:30

I'm trying to keep up with the projections. So far, everything is still on par with the map in Time. Part of me wants them to hurry up and make more projections! But the other part of me says, let's wait until we have precincts reporting in the double digits, MK?

How many Governors does Vermont have? I could've SWORN they just said that some Democrat that had been Gov for six terms got re-elected. But I thought Howard Dean was the Vermont Governor? And then I SWEAR I just saw that some Republican is projected to have won! Man, and I haven't even been drinking. Maybe I should start.

Gabi drew me a map of the USA. It's way too adorable. I wish I had a scanner so I could show it to you guys. A. Dorable.

Geez, 8:26 and there's still lines outside on the East Coast? That's 2 and a half hours after the polls closed!

9:00

8:30-9:00 was a wash, sorry. Gabi was negotiating for 10 more minutes after bed time and I said no and called her father and what did he say? It's OK as long as she's watching election coverage. Man, I am no match for her negotiating skills.

Forgoing "real" coverage for The Daily Show for this hour. 3 minutes into it and already a gem. Ha! NJ turned it's governor gay. Ha! I like how he's already sounding like he's making stuff up and I can't wait for the "Too Close to Call Dancers." Live on Comedy Central. Very brave. Oh man, I have to keep my guffaws to a minimum. The map guy is hilarious. "The rest of the states: dead to me! I mean you, Georgia!" You know, I really thought I wouldn't get any "real" results, but JS broke the Missouri news for me! Hm, but nothing on the web just yet. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Al Sharpton is actually kinda funny, even though I can't stand to actually look at him. He's way too bouncy.

Look at my cool sticker! 

You're a jerk

I don't particularly care for making serious posts, so I'll make this quick. If you have noticed that your comments have been deleted, it's because you're a jerk. You think you're funny and clever, but the truth is that you are mean. Not only are you mean, but you're a coward. You posted nasty comments anonymously which means that you are man enough to make an asshole comment but not man enough to back it up. Hm. Some man. And yes, I know you're a man because a woman would not say such things.

I hope that this is an isolated incident and that you are not normally a jerk. If you are not normally a jerk, I would ask that you come forward and apologize. If you can't be man enough to show your face then I would ask that you not come back to my blog. I know you're a regular reader because of some references to past posts.

Don't be a jerk. I hate jerks.

Is there an election going on or something?

Just one last ditch effort to remind everyone to vote. I know it's tough to remember. It's been brushed to the back of our consciousness in the past few weeks, so I just thought I'd give out one last reminder. You know, unless you already voted. In which case, please disregard this notice. If you haven't voted, please find your voter registration card, double check your polling place, and you know, like, show up. This has become a very divisive election so make your marks extra dark, punch your ballots extra hard, but be gentle if you have touch-screens...they're very delicate. And after a decision is made, let's everyone be happy and get along like the grownups we are! I'm tired of the "If you vote for (presidential candidate), then you are stupid/misguided/have the IQ of a toaster" mentality that goes along with a charged election. The President will be decided and we can all back him the hell up and quit bitching. OK!?! OK. Happy fun times. Yay! America rocks!

This Presidential Bash that SNL is putting on was lame until the Bush/Gore segment. Oh, how I miss Will Ferrell as GWB. Hi. Larious.

I know the Florida jokes are like, totally four years old but this still makes me laugh....

Hee! Love you, Florida!!! (And just WHAT is Elmo doing?? HMMMM?)