Orgies??? What do they sell THERE!?!?

I know I'm a bad bad blogger, but holidays and all that jazz and you still love me, right? Anyway!

So I went home for Thanksgiving. And my parents are so sweet! My mom made the hugest dinner ever and even went shopping with me on Friday afternoon so that I could have some grown-up time. Yeah, grown-up time shopping for toys, it turns out. Hee! And my dad... his shoulder is growing back all weird. Geez, he sounds like a starfish or somethin. Apparently, they put him in the wrong kind of sling so his bones started fusing together wrong and blah blah blah basically, it'll take a little longer to heal but everything should be a-ok in no time. And oh yeah, he's already riding his bike again. It's a good thing he lives in Wichita Falls because the loony bin is RIGHT THERE!

And hm, what else? We did the drawings for Gabi's co-parent's family's Christmas gifts (need a diagram?). I mean, they're Mexican and I'm seriously starting to think that there is literally a million of them. I have been going to their family functions for FIVE YEARS now! That's like, 6 functions a year, so we're going on 30 functions...and every time, there is someone new there. "We're related to them, TOO? Where does it END???" So luckily, I am considered a part of the family even though I never married the co-parent. So I drew the co-parent's brother in one of the drawings. Like, half the time he hates me, half the time he wants me to marry his brother and the other half, he finds me merely annoying. I know that's three halves, just mix n match, OK? Anyway, weird situation. One I cannot mess up. Must think thoroughly......

And so I come home Saturday afternoon (from the 'rents) because it looked like it was going to rain on Sunday and people just looooove to freak out about water falling from the sky. So this means: I actually get to go out on Saturday night. Wooooohoooo! Grown-up time! I get home, take a shower and go see Jessica. She's working at the mall so shopping plus friend equals good! So I bug Jessica for about an hour, then meander around the mall scoping out presents and at about 7:45 decide to give it up because I'm not buying anything today anyway. It's early. But I go to the bar anyway. I was already clean, so what's the point in going home just to turn around and go back out an hour later? Right? RIGHT? So, I get there and my cute, fake, 20 year old (but only for another week!) boyfriend is working. I promptly get in trouble for being absent on Friday night. Awesome! He's so adorable. And he called me his girlfriend TWICE! I have yet to see him outside that building, but....OK!!!

So keep in mind...I got to the bar at 8:00. That's 5 hours of drinkin I get to do. I stick with beer, but still....that's two hours more than most nights. So as I tell you the goings-on of the rest of the night, please keep in mind that they might not be entirely accurate and that they were ten times funnier in person. OK, let's have roll call. We got ME! And Jessica got there about 10, and Brad, and CK, and our friend Lasr. Yes, he has the coolest name in the world and it is Lasr. And you say it LAY-sir. So it's almost like "lazer" but not quite. Because lazer should always be spelled with a Z. Aaaanyway! Lasr was actually there before me. So he had been drinking, I believe, for 2 hours before I even got there. So however stupid I was? Lasr was 2 hours ahead of me. OK, so also there was Sooner (who is a dirty old man!) and his friend we'll call...L, who was sitting right next to me. And we were playing some jukebox trivia (before I was sloshed) and I heard her say, "Oh, I don't know this one." And I mean, I came in on the second half of the game, so it's not like I was going to win. So I leaned over and said "One. It is totally one, I know this answer, it's one." She totally ignores me. She gets it wrong. Um, OK, maybe she doesn't hear me. Same thing happens a few questions down..."Alicia Keys. The answer is Alicia Keys." This time, I KNOW she can hear me because Sooner hears me and he's on the other side of her. She gets it wrong again! What the...? So I am not liking her. I mean, come on! Have some bar comraderie! So Lasr comes over to visit. Well, he comes over to visit Jessica, actually, because they have some torrid love affair going on or something (not really, but it's fun to pretend). So here's the order, all in a row: Sooner, L, Me, Jessica, Lasr. So....Lasr has this hot thing going for him. He is cute and a total smartass, which....yeah, hot. So my boyfriend decides to hook him up with L. Now, I did not realize that my darling bf had anything to do with this debacle until later. So here comes L. Pretty much gets between Jess and Lasr and uh...not a whole lot of real estate there. She was totally in Jessica's aura! And I totally understand because I cannot STAND IT when people I don't know are in my space. It just.......gives me the willies. I think it just bugged the shit out of Jessica. So she takes this opportunity to eavesdrop. "Wha? Her dog just had puppies? Her stepmom died of an overdose five years ago? Is this the kind of information we give out before we've even exchanged numbers?" So L goes to the bathroom. Ooh girl, Jessica is all about asking him a big fat WTF??? He infers that there is nothing going on there and he is going home RIGHT NOW. Without her! Jessica is all...I don't care what you do just get her outta my space (in a loving, very unbitchy way). And then. This convo:

Jessica: I'm so tired
Lasr: Why?
Jessica: Man, I just worked for like, nine hours!
Lasr: Oh yeah? Where do you work?
Jessica: Origins
Lasr (part wide-eyed wonder, part evil): ORGIES??? Oh my god, what do they sell THERE???

We both just fall out laughin. Yeah, that was really loud, dude. I think he was kidding, but to be honest, I cannot be totally sure. Either way, the guy's a riot.

So Lasr leaves (as always...sad face) and well, L doesn't give up so easily so she starts hitting on Lasr's friend Ryan, who...he's pretty cute and likes to flirt with me so...OK. So Ryan takes Lasr's old spot next to Jessica. And L has her back turned to Jessica as she is mackin on Ryan and she is ALL up in his stuff. So Jessica gets a napkin and writes something on it and holds it up behind L's back so Ryan can read it. He gets this look on his face like, DUDE! Cut that shit out!!! L notices and turns around kinda suspicious....I'm all, "What did you write? Gimme the napkin!" So she lays it down gently on the bar and oh-so-subtly glides it over to me. It says "CLOSE THE DEAL!" So I'm laughin. Jessica's laughin. Ryan's trying soooo hard not to laugh. And L is positively hating our guts by now. And BF comes over and is all, "You need to come in early more often."

That's all I remember. Except for the part where Jessica and I read the subtitles to a Radiohead video. In really terrible British accents.

CK update: He hates me. But it's OK because well, he's kind of a jerk. I'm going to try to keep the CK updates as short as humanly possible from now on. I'll get 'em down to one word and then before you know it *POOF* they're gone! I hear that'll make some people verrrry happy! Here, have some sample words that I may use in the future: bum, jerk, ass, punk, _____-phobe, idiot, asshole, jackass, jackhole, prick and um....hot.

Man, I've written too much already. I have a ton of TV opinions, but that'll have to wait until um...Wednesday because tomorrow is AMAZING RACE!!! Everyone. Please say a prayer that the truly vile Jonathan gets Philiminated. Amen.

But before I go, mad props to Sevi for sending me the best headline ever! Seriously, I hope that link lasts forever. Aw, fuggit, I'll cut and paste. As long as I include the link, it's OK, right? Dammit I hope so. I don't want to go to jail.

Giants: Hand pulls groin
by Fanball Staff - Fanball.comMonday, November 29, 2004

News
Giants defensive tackle Norman Hand strained his groin in the third quarter of Sunday's game against the Eagles and did not return to the game. "I didn't know big guys had groins," he told Newsday. "I'm finding out today that I actually have one." Hand hopes his sore groin won't keep him from playing the 'Skins next Sunday.

Views
We'll check back with Hand throughout the practice week to see if he'll be ready for the Redskins' game.

Take away that "s" in Giants and it's literally...a whole new ball game.