I hope you're not expecting something specific.

June 22, 2010

Proof that women are crazy

So I heard on the radio this morning, from one Gordon Keith, a story about that van der Sloot guy getting letters from women from all over the world. He proceeded to enter this as evidence that "all women are crazy." Look Gordo, I love you, but you have to stop this. Stop perpetuating this disrespectful slur against all women. I know guys are going to say it's "just a joke." Well it may be to you, but it's not a joke to a lot of men. And the more you "joke" about it, the more validated they feel that all women are crazy.

First of all, just because you do not understand someone, that does not make them "crazy." I know sometimes people do things you do not understand. This is not a gender issue. It seems to me that a lot of people are just not making much of an effort in the understanding department & as soon as a woman does something they don't understand, they slap the "Bitches be crazy!" label on it instead of giving just a smidgen of effort in trying to figure it out. This is not even relegated to men. I hear women do it all the time in seemingly some sort of need to look cooler than other women. Sort of an "I understand you, Jimbob! Even if she doesn't!" sort of thing. But the truth is, men do mind-boggling things all the time too. And when they do, men say, "That guy is crazy" instead of "Man, all men are just crazy! That guy's proof!"

Second of all, if all women are crazy, then that is normal. "Crazy" indicates an abnormality of some sort. So if we're all the same (just like all men are assholes, right?), then there is nothing abnormal about it. Either you shut up and deal with it or you can go yell at the sky for being blue.

Third, it seems to me that the guys who perpetuate this stereotype the most are the bitterest. It's those rotten bitches that made you this way, right? It's the divorced guy. Or the guy who's stuck in a miserable marriage. Or the guy who can't seem to get a date with a good woman (I'm sure it's the women's fault for not being good enough). Look, I know it makes you sound like a "pussy" to admit that your wife is a good person or that she does nice things for you or god forbid, that you actually love the woman. But when single guys only hear you bitching and whining, they think that marriage is the deciding factor on whether a woman can be a good partner or not. I hate that stereotype. There are millions of really great relationships going on. If yours sucks, then get out and stop being such a big fucking baby.

I know some of you may be tempted to point to this and say, "This is proof you are crazy." I think it's crazy that out of this whole story, the women who wrote the letters are being painted as crazy and not the guy who goes around MURDERING PEOPLE. There are lots of broken & desperate people in this world. They don't deal with reality very well & they act in ways that you and I may not understand & that condition is not gender specific. All I ask is that we all stop it with this stereotype. Women are not catty bitches & they're not insane. Women can be and SO CAN MEN! We can all be better than this and we can still make jokes without painting half the population with the same gigantic brush. Work with me here, people.

September 20, 2009

Today was President's Day

February 19, 2007

Today was Presidents Day. I asked Gabi if they had a special day at school to talk about the Presidents. I was shocked to learn that they did not! So I asked her what she knows about the Presidents. She began to tell me the story of Abraham Lincoln and how he was born in Kentucky (he was?), grew up in a log cabin in Illinois, he was our 16th President, and he's on the 5 dollar bill.... I'm like.... wow, that's a lot to know as a first grader. But she never said anything about freeing the slaves or ending the Civil War. So trying to bait her into saying that, I asked her, "What is Abraham Lincoln most famous for?" Gabi in her best "you're kind of an idiot, aren't you" voice: "Being President."

Guess I can't really argue with that.

A conversation between Mother & Child

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Current mood: peaceful
A conversation we had this evening whilst watching the Mavs game:

Me: Wooooohoohoohoooooo!
G: They're playing San Antonio
M: Yep. Who do we not like?
G: San Antonio
M: That's right. At all times, whether we're playing them or not. Whether it's basketball season or not
G: But shouldn't we go for the Texas teams?
M: No. They are our nemesis!
G: .......
M: Do you know what a nemesis is?
G: An arch-foe?
M: .......... Actually.... yeah.
*Dirk sinks a shot from a ball that was saved from going out of bounds by one of the Spurs*
G: Uh huh. Oh yeah. He's tall. He's German. Go Dirk. Go Dirk. *complete with Cowboys pom poms*

---------------------some time passes--------------------

Phone: *brrrrrring brrrrrrrring!* [Actually, it's Beethoven's 5th, but that is neither here nor there]
Gabi's Dad: Mavs are winning!
M: I KNOW! I hate the Spurs.
D: And West Virginia and Louisville are playing. Lots of good stuff on tonight.
M: Well, I'm recording the Office, watching Survivor and flipping back and forth between that and the Mavs game, so I think I've got enough TV to watch tonight.
D: Dude. You need a TiVO.
M: Duh, Sherlock.
D: I'm going to lie to Gabi and tell her I ate all of her Halloween candy.
M: Dude, that's so wrong. *realizes Gabi is listening to my end of the conversation* She's going to be so mad at you. I can't believe you'd do that to a little kid.
D: Hehehe
M: You're going to have to tell her. I'm not going to break my baby's heart like that. *hands phone to Gabs*
G: *dubious look* Hi, Daddy.
D: [Hi baby. I hope you don't mind, but I ate all of your Halloween candy]
G: Oh. That's OK. I'll just get more next year.
D: [But you don't have any more]
G: I don't mind, Daddy. You can have it.
D: [Oh, I'm just kidding, sweetie. It's all right where you left it.]
G: You can have some if you want. I'm probably not going to eat it all anyway.

She's seven.

So as you can see, I not only have the smartest and funniest kid... but also the nicest. She's so kind and good. I can't believe I made that. Weird.

I hate Halloween

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Current mood: irritated
OK, I don't hate hate it. It can be fun, as evidenced by that picture of Em and me. Dressing up can be fun, although I think more of us should admit it's just a giant pain in the ass. I don't particularly like trick or treating. Maybe it's because I never really did it as a child. I guess going door to door begging for candy when it's cold and dark with small children just doesn't get me all excited. Call me a fun-ruiner, I don't care! And also, I get that kids love candy. I am not saying take away candy from the children. But Gabs has two big buckets full of candy that we are never going to eat. Plus about four goody bags. Add that on top of Easter candy, Valentine's Day candy, and birthday candy.... you guys, nobody needs that much CANDY! I need a separate storage unit just for the freakin candy. No wonder so many kids are fat. We just keep showering them with candy year-round! Someone buy the kids a book! Or a basketball! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?

I know I sound like a fuddy-duddy, but at least I'm not the Mom complaining about a "Fall Festival" production my daughter is performing in. Of course, I just saw it on the news yesterday and can't find the link now. Basically, the child comes home practicing a song for the production and the Mom flips out. It's about how Halloween is an odd holiday with its ghouls and goblins. Listen. I understand if you don't "believe" in Halloween. But pulling the kid out and insisting that all references to ghouls and ghosts be struck from the entire production is silly. And it's just as silly as people insisting that Christmas productions remove all religious symbols. Can everyone PLEASE stop freaking out over this stuff? They're little kids! I will be the first one to say that religion in schools is downright inappropriate, but pretending like Christmas isn't about religion or pretending Halloween isn't supposed to be scary.... is absurd. These people are so concerned about their children seeing something inappropriate.... why don't you teach your child what's inappropriate so they can identify it when they see it? Gabi is seven and she already tags things as inappropriate (which is hilarious, by the way... if you haven't heard the "that's just inappropriate" story, I'd be glad to tell you some time).

These holidays do have this one little thing in common, though: they're supposed to be fun for the kids. So everyone kindly shut up because... news flash.... THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! We are all going to totally make it through the holidays. Stop stressing out. If your family doesn't believe in ghosts, calmly tell your child that we don't believe in ghosts but it can be fun to pretend. Don't cry on the news about it. If your family doesn't think Jesus is the Son of God and that's where Christmas comes from, explain to your child that your family doesn't believe that, but that some families do believe that and we should respect that. But we all believe that Christmas is important family time. Don't file a lawsuit. Is this difficult? Your child.... listen closely now.... is going to take your word over everyone else's. That is scary to think about for some.... but your kids? Are going to be OK. As long as you don't board them up in your little Tent of Ideology and spray them down with self-righteousness every night.

Yeah, I know I'm most likely preaching to the choir on this one. But you know how I am with my crusades... gotta get the word out. So far we have the Anti-Lettuce Alliance (it is disgusting and you know it), the Phone Book Opposition Movement, the Pro-Grammar Coalition (stop apostrophe abuse!), The Take Responsibility for Your Own Crapass Actions Task Force (TRYOCATF?), and now the Union for Not Ruining It For Little Kids! Wow. I'm up to five. Our missions are just. And someday... we will prevail.

*Reapply self-righteousness every 12 hours for maximum effect. "I am right and you are wrong because I said so" broken record player sold separately.

September 17, 2009

I shop, therefore I think. Sort of.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Current mood: hot

I think we all have that one everyday thing that freaks us out. You know, the seemingly innocuous thing that no one else ever has a problem with. Like some people find mirrors to be freaky. I personally love them for they serve to remind me just how awesome my hair is with wonderous consistency. Some people think microwaves steal your soul and make you sterile. Hm.... maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong people..... But anyway.

Today, I figured out what every day item freaks me out. Headless mannequins. Regular mannequins were kind of on notice with me anyway considering the number of times I've turned a corner and thought they were real people. So imagine how freakish it is to turn a corner, think you're about to run into a real person, only to realize..... it has no head. Now there are mannequins that are just legs. Those aren't so bad. I'm not going to mistake those for an actual person due to the total lack of a torso. But the headless ones.... they have arms and legs and torsos... and it's an entire person except for the head! I mean, can the heads really be that expensive? Of course, after I ran into Decapitee #1, I started seeing them everywhere. Where are all the heads!? Wig shop?

Oh, and at Charlotte Russe, they had "living mannequins," which means that they hire real girls to stand in the window and pretend to be fake. That's kind of freaky, too. I'm all, "I'm staring. Can they see me staring? Do they like the staring? I mean, if they don't like it, then they are certainly in the wrong line of work. I guess it's OK to stare. I can't stare. They're freaky. Ohmygod, it moved!" At least they had their heads.

Random: When you're in the shoe section at Target, and you start to wonder why the shoes smell so bad, they don't. It's you. Go home and take a shower. Seriously. Thanks.

Deep thoughts brought about by watching American Idol. No Really.

Monday, April 10, 2006

I have no idea who this chick is but I freakin love her. I couldn't have said it better myself.....

Now...if you trust in yourself...and believe in your dreams...and follow your star...youll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and werent so lazy. ~Miss Perspicacia Tick

Because let me tell you.... it annoys the hell out of me when successful people tell their minions that if they just believe in themselves enough, they'll make it. Take the lyrics to Mariah's "Make it Happen"

If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want, you're gonna make it happen.

Now you guys know I loves me some Mariah, OK? But it's crap like this that makes people think that if they just close their eyes and wish really hard, it'll happen. And of all people.... Mariah works her ass off. She busted her butt to get to where she is and it is so irritating to see her touting this brand of wishful thinking.

Because then you get the people you see on the first few episodes of American Idol who cannot deal when they're told that they suck. It's almost like if they fail, they just didn't "believe" enough (second only to "Simon doesn't know what he's talking about." And you do.... riiiiiight!). No, you failed because you suck. You failed because you rode your sparkly unicorn up the hippie rainbow of bunny rabbit dreams only to be told that realistically, you don't have any talent. Just because you want it doesn't mean you've earned it. Your mom does not count as an objective judge.

Realism. It's salty. But good. Like bacon.

September 16, 2009

Of all things....

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Current mood: amused

So. Gabi was telling me that her Papi took her out for lunch at the Gaylord Texan. I've never been there, so she was telling me about all of the restaurants and shops and all the sites to see there and doing so in quite some detail. Apparently, it's quite the tribute to Texas in general inside that giant dome. And then she's all, "Oh, and there was this copy of the.... oh what is the name of that thing.... it's like it's made out of clay and it's kind of crumbly at the top..... I keep forgetting what it's called....." Me: "The.... Alamo?" Gabs: "Yeah! That's it!" Me: "Geez, Gabi. Of all the things in the world you could've forgotten."

Things I shouldn't like, but do anyway

Damn y'all, I was chatty in February 2006.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

You know we've all got 'em. Stuff everyone hates but us. Stuff that it seems like everyone is complaining about, but you secretly keep on liking it despite social pressure. Well, I'm going out on a limb here and declaring them to the whole wide internet for all to read. Why? I have no idea. Bored? Glutton for punishment? Probably just bored. And I really like lists! So get ready to groan with disappointment, roll your eyes in discontent and make that face you make when you discover a weeks-old experiment growing in your fridge. Prepare yourself to find me positively deplorable and lose at least a little respect for me! It will be fun!

Spice Girls/Milli Vanilli/Nelson

What do I want? I really really want? To blame it on the after the rain, of course! I found the Spice Girls mind-numbingly insane when they came out until I found myself one day humming along to "Wannabe." I couldn't stop! It was so catchy! I don't want to look at them or listen to them talk or even for them to get back together. I just want those like, 3 songs they put out. And that's it. And I don't know, maybe we can put the Pussycat Dolls out of their misery because all they really are are American Stripper Spice Girls. Maybe I'll like them in five years, who knows? And then we have Milli Vanilli. I liked them when they came out and I still like them today. When they were "exposed" as frauds, I was all... well that kind of sucks for those 2 dudes, but someone still made that song and I STILL LIKE IT! Catchy, I tell ya. And Nelson.... I don't know. I never found Matthew and Gunnar all that hot like some chicks did back in the day. Blondes really aren't usually my thing and their hair was longer than mine but.... one day, I heard that "I can't live without your love and affection" song and I was surprised that I knew all the words. That was the first song I downloaded from iTunes. I'm not supposed to like 'em. But I do!

Donovan McNabb

Listen. I love the Dallas Cowboys. More Super Bowl appearances than any other team and tied for most Super Bowl wins in the league. They are the best team ever* and as a result, have the most obnoxious fans in the NFL. And as a die-hard fan of the Dallas Freakin Cowboys, I have been sworn to first and foremost hate the Washington Redskins (did you know that when it was proposed that the Cowboys become an NFL expansion team that the owner of the Redskins tried his darndest to put the kibosh on that? So, thinking that is just ridiculous, the would-be Cowboys owners, Wynne and Murchison, bought the rights to the Redskins fight song and wouldn't allow it to be played at the games until the Redskins owner backed off. That freakin rules! And that, my friends is why we hate the Redskins!) Second and subsequently, we must hate the Philadelphia Eagles and everything having to do with them. I suppose we're supposed to hate the Giants too, but like they're a threat or something. Anyway, so imagine my surprise when I realized.... I love Donovan McNabb! He's fast! He's smart! He's a downright nice guy! WHY GOD WHY! And then he goes and hates Terrell Owens. Just like me! I still hate the Eagles. But deep inside... I heart Donovan!

*And before someone corrects me, it should be noted that while the Cowboys do hold the record for most Super Bowl appearances (8 appearances, 5 wins), the Green Bay Packers have won more NFL Championships, by far, than any other team (17 appearances, 12 wins).

Ice Dancing

I don't care what anyone says, this is the most fun winter sport to watch. It's dancing! On the ICE! There's no throwing or jumping or lifting the girl. Lots of fancy footwork, tight spins, seriously fucked up lifts, and dare I say it.... DANGER! Sometimes I even get bored with figure skating because so often it seems like the artistry gets lost between the required elements of jumps and it just gets turned into who can do more triple-triples or who's going to try a quad. Show me a woman with her HEAD on the someone else's SKATE! That's entertainment, y'all.

Cheap Beer

This is so Gen-X-incorrect but.... I like cheap beer! I'm sorry! It's omnipresent and there is rarely a doubt whether a Bud Light will be over $4 or not! I mean, I like the premiums alright. Yeah, I've tried them and even liked some of them. But seriously, what breed of Yuppie gets kegs of premium beer? NONE! Every time you go to a party, it's a keg of mf'n Miller Lite! Cheap beer is the beer of parties. It's the beer of good times. I know this is some sort of sacrelige, but I do not like Guinness. And I'm willing to bet that MOST people don't, but the beer snobs among us beat the rest of us down to the point where it's just not worth mentioning any more. It leaves the worst aftertaste in the world and IMNHO has no qualities brilliant enough to erase that aftertaste. So you can just forget it. I'll take a Bud Light bottle, when you get a chance, please. I don't care if you think it tastes like "piss" (which is a really gross thing to say to someone who's about to take a drink, rude people). It tastes like beer to me and I can taste it deep in my being every Friday around 3pm.

American Idol

Is it a kids' show? A tween show? A teen show? No. It's an everyone show! It's so much fun that people of all ages love it. I know a lot of people automatically hate it because it doesn't sport a script and therefore gets lumped into "reality" TV. That's really an unfair assessment. It's more of a game/contest than a "reality" show. And oh what fun it is! Every season, they get better at how they present the show and the talent gets better. And the genius behind it is that the audience has a direct influence on the outcome of the show, therefore requiring them to become emotionally invested in the show.... which requires them to come back on a regular basis. And to FURTHER the genius of the American Idol juggernaut, they run it from January to May. Four months out of the year they saturate us with it. They pummel us with cheesy group singalongs and blatant promotional spots and bloated results shows. By the time the finale rolls around, we cannot WAIT for it to be over. But just like that ex-girl/boyfriend, a few months pass and all you can remember is the good stuff. So they make us wait 8 months for a new installation and by the time it shows up again, we're back in love with it. And I fall for it every time. Bravo, American Idol. Bravo.

Shaquille O'Neal

Strike one? Played for the Lakers. Strike Two? Kazaam. Luckily, there wasn't a third strike so I can still find an excuse to like him. And I have many. First of all, he is undeniable on the basketball court. Look at how the Lakers (now referred to as simply, "The Laker" due to Kobe's perpetual solo performances) fell apart after he left. Every time Shaq shows up, there's going to be a show. Love him on the court. Off the court, I couldn't love him any more than if he actually played for the Mavericks (which would send me into convulsions of joy only known to.... never mind). Even after becoming a massive success in the NBA, making bajillions of dollars a year, he went back to school and got his MBA. Why? Because he promised his momma. And that kind of rules. And then there's that whole thing with being a Miami Beach reserve officer. So not only does he have interests beyond basketball, he also has interests beyond amassing giant piles of money. He actually wants to do some good and not for the fame or attention or because the NBA says you must have X hours of community service. He does it because that is what he wants to do and he thinks some good can come out of it and that makes me respect him in large quantities. Also: he's funny.

Mariah Carey's Version of Def Leppard's Bringin on the Heartbreak

A song I love done by an artist I admire. I don't care if she's fruit loops in the brain, she's got pipes.

[ETA: Turns out, not the same song. Similar-sounding songs with identical titles. Jerks! Tryin to fool me....]


I need for all of you TV-haters to promptly shut it. You know who you are. "I don't watch TV because there's never anything good on." Uh.... how would you know that if you never watch? TV, to me, is the ultimate medium. There is something for everyone. Games, mysteries, comedies, history, music, science, biography, fantasy, satire, you name it! And it's better than movies because if you need to get a snack or go to the bathroom, you can just wait for a commercial! Or if you have TiVo, you can just put it on pause! And I'd say in the past 5 years, there has been so much great TV. Not good.... great. And I just can't get enough. Lost, The Amazing Race, Survivor (which is finally good again after a 4 season hiatus of full-on suck), Scrubs, Veronica Mars, Arrested Development (RIP), 24 (!!!), Gilmore Girls (don't knock it till you try it!), The Office, Earl, Grey's Anatomy (did you see that last episode. No they did NOT!), and I already dared to say it... American Idol. And when was the last time you really had a good watercooler moment talking about a movie? I know our office gossip is contained to either sports (which we watch on TV!) or Lost/Survivor/Grey's. It's relatable to everyone and unlike the movies, almost everyone watches TV. I mean, I'm not dissing movies or anything, but they have sort of been lacking in quality lately (or so I've heard). Not only that, but so many shows have really elevated themselves to "movie-quality" writing, action, and special effects. I love television. It is a fascinating business and form of entertainment. It's possible that I love it a little more than I should......

OK, that's all I got for now. Proceed to berate me.

What happens when I have no internet

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I wrote this last June when we had an internet outage all-freakin-day. I don't know what I was looking for on my computer, but I found it in My Documents. I particularly like how the whole thing unravels into slobbering nonsense by the end.


Not having the internet sucks. Seriously, what did I do with myself before this? Well, according to my productivity level today, a lot. I've already finished my regular Friday work and am moving on to stuff I do just to impress my boss and it's only 10:51. Then again, I've also had 2 cups of coffee, so that may have something to do with it. You know, I've been using the internet since about the 8th grade (1989) when my Dad got Prodigy. I remember it was after my brother left for college and my Dad had converted my brother's room into a work room (which actually used to be my room when I was little, thus painted the happiest shade of yellow you've ever seen.... to this day). I remember he sat me down and showed me a bulletin board. A who what, I said! And then he explained to me that the computer is using our phone lines to talk to people from all over the world. People we'd never normally get to talk to. To which I said, "Whoa." I was thirteen, cut me some slack. He explained how you post a message and then someone comes back and posts a message to respond to your message. So I started perusing and mostly came upon a bunch of people talking about out-of-body experiences and concluded that most people on the internet were nutjobs. Such wisdom for such a tender age, hm? Then in high school, I didn't really pay attention to


Anyway, I didn't really pay attention to the internet in HS because I was much too busy talking on the phone. Then I went to college and my parents got me a cell phone (another addiction that I'm not sure how I ever got along without) and alas, there was more talking on the phone. Now, I went to a college that has been named one of America's Most Wired campuses multiple times (I'd love to tell you how many times, but I have NO INTERNET). So everyone on campus had an email address and I'm pretty sure my dorm had internet in our computer lab, but we never emailed each other. I mean.... we all lived in the same building and could ring each other by only hitting 4 numbers and everyone had call waiting and voice mail. It was awesome. I think I used my school-issued email account like, twice and that was to email professors, I'm sure. And then... research for my papers? My god, people, I actually went to the library and checked out books! Man, it was like the Stone Age! Actually, in the latter part of my college career, I do remember doing internet research in the library computer lab. I don't think I had a private email address until 1999. Well, that's what my Yahoo profile says, anyway. That must also be the same year that I first had internet access in my residence. And here it is, six years later and I find it preposterous to go a day without checking my email. I mean, I don't obsess about it or anything, but I just feel so isolated! I say that I don't obsess about it and proceed to write an entire page about it..... ha! Actually, I just have a lot of energy in my brain that I just had to get out and I usually get it out by reading and responding to emails and reading the news and such. So now I have to occupy myself by writing letters to myself and monitoring the webcam we have set up downstairs. It is not as fun as it sounds. And it doesn't even sound that fun, but it's the best thing goin right now, so I'm just gonna roll with it. I mean, thank goodness for the radio even though it's on mute half the time when there's nothing on. Although, this morning, they did play "I love the rainy nights" which was kind of awesome and kind of sad since it hasn't rained in a very long time here. Last June, we had three days without rain. This June, we're like, 4 inches behind last year. Wowzers.

Cripes, can someone please explain to me the appeal of Love Shack? It seems like I'm the only person ever to kind of hate it. Oh, and Rock Lobster? I hate that song. Haaaaaaaaaaaate! I'd listen to Love Shack fifty times in a row rather than listen to Rock Lobster once. I don't get it. Someone, please. Explain. I just don't get it.

I hate that licking your fingers helps to separate papers. I also hate that I can never remember if that middle vowel in separate is supposed to be an E or an A. I mean, do we really need it? Really? Can't we just spell it "seprate"???

I'm practically starving, but I don't want to take lunch because I won't have the internet to entertain me while I eat. Sad? Desperate? Good planning??? OH MY GOD THIS IS TORTURE!


Coda: I found this little blurb in a document entitled "bored."

Why would the internet choose to go down just as I am requested to go downstairs to answer the phones and "work" even though all of my real work is far away at my own personal desk? Why!? Yes, the internet chooses when to give me the finger. Or shall I blame Comcast? I just want something to keep my brain busy for like, an hour while I look busy. AUGH! Connect! Connect! Connect!!! I have no work to be done at another workstation! Maybe I should've brought a book. OMG I'm only 13 minutes in. What am I going to do? Sit here and write my stream of consciousness for 47 more minutes? I'll annoy MYSELF doing that. I didn't even know that was possible.

100 Things I *Heart* In No Particular Order

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Current mood: thankful

Just in time for V-Day! Family and friends are a given so here goes:

1. Lip gloss
2. My cell phone
3. Gmail
4. My bed (sooooo amazing)
5. Wallace & Gromit
6. Singing (car, karaoke, shower, living room, office, whatever)
7. The Amazing Race (and following along with my atlas)
8. My optometrist (sweetest little old man ever)
9. Listening to Gabi read her books.... with feeling!
10. Buying purses
11. OK fine, shopping in general
12. Purple
13. The internet
14. Dogs
15. Cheesecake
16. Def Leppard
17. The way Gabi's nose crinkles when she's laughing really hard
18. Talking back to the TV
19. Cake (the dessert)
20. Cake (the band)
21. July 4th and the USA in general
22. Wikipedia
23. Bowling for Soup
24. Jack Bauer
25. Gum
26. Texas
27. My hair
28. Babies
29. Confidence in a man
30. Hugs
31. Sumo Ninja!
32. Kicking people's asses at trivia (which is often)
33. The letter Z
34. Watching brides dance with their fathers (tears!)
35. Iced tea
36. Monkeys
37. Onomatopoeia
38. Getting emails (bing bong!)
39. Coloring
40. Friday nights
41. Steak
42. Douglas Adams (natch)
43. Songs in minor keys
44. Palindromes
45. Waking up next to someone I care about
46. Scrubs
47. Answering those stupid surveys in the bulletins (I can't stop!)
48. Kittens
49. Rocking out with headphones on so my coworkers think I'm retarded
50. Gilmore Girls
51. How I look in red
52. Scroll wheels on mouses (mice?)
53. Out of "good" and "well", knowing which one is the adverb.
54. The Princess Bride
55. Surprising myself when I do math. Correctly.
56. Laughing so hard my face hurts and I have to catch my breath. And then counting it as cardio.
57. The fact that this part of Texas usually only has about 2 months of winter. This year? Maybe 2 weeks tops.
58. Smelling the rain and seeing the lightning
59. Cheese.
60. Listening to someone else's heartbeat
61. Van Gogh
62. Skyscrapers
63. Flowers
64. Swimming
65. Roller coasters!
66. http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com
67. Relief
68. Knowing someone owes you
69. Saying "Hee!" when anything is even borderline dirty
70. Victoria's Secret
71. Getting my hair done
72. Being independent
73. Playing games I'm terrible at just because I like to play
74. Mike Modano
75. Remote controls
76. Having a Summer birthday
77. Wine
78. Will Ferrell
79. Being friends with someone for 13 years and not giving up, even when people, events, and geography try to come between us
80. Coffee
81. My name
82. My purple suede tennis shoes
83. Tacos
84. When you just fit with someone
85. Satire
86. Pat Benatar
87. Cookies
88. Back to the Future
89. Saving the day
90. Planning something and seeing it through to the end
91. Subtle and meaningless inside jokes
92. Terrible puns
93. Bears
94. That point when you just let go and act like an idiot
95. Canada
96. Playing on the swings
97. Being so surprised that I am speechless (good surprises, of course)
98. Being able to pay for whatever I want
99. Breathing.
100. Remembering all the little things that make me happy. And the big ones, too.


A conversation with my daughter

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Di: Oh look, we got a Valentine's card in the mail. Open it!

Gabs: It's from the Sch..... sch..... um.....

D: Oh, it's from Aunt Melinda and Uncle Robby!

G: And Amethyst and Autumn! Aw what a cute picture! What is Autumn wearing?

D: A dress

G: Is it a wedding dress?

D: She's only one, darling. She can't get married!

G: Then what kind of dress is it?

D: It's a christening dress.

G: What's a christening dress?

D: It's for a baby's christening.

G: What's a christening?

D: Ask your father.

G: Why?

D: He's Catholic.

G: And you're not?

D: No.

G: How come?

D: Gabs! The questions are driving me nutty!

G: ........ What does nutty mean?

D: Augh!

Rainy Haikus

Myspace post from January 22, 2006. Seemed appropriate, since it will not.... stop.... RAINING!

Current mood: quixotic

What is this wet stuff?
Oh crap. Lost my umbrella.
Watch A-Team instead.

Don't pity me, fool.
Love when plan comes together.
Ain't gettin on plane!

What I have learned about men

January 3, 2006

Current mood: contemplative

You know, for someone who has the male species figured out so much.... I sure am single. So here's what I think I know. I'm sure if I'm wrong, someone will be along shortly to let me know.

Things That I Know:

1. Do not use the word "feel" when speaking with a man unless it is directly preceded by "cop a." Immediately replace the word "feel" with "think" in all situations involving anything remotely emotional. If you're talking about body parts or automobile upholstery, then it's OK to say "feel." Do not ask any man to think your ass. Ever.

2. If you are having an email conversation with a man, it will immediately end if you do not include a direct question in your email. Any question that could possibly be vague or interpreted as rhetorical... you can just forget it. He's never writing you back.

3. Men say they like it when women pursue them, but that is a huge lie. Part of me even thinks that some men believe it, but I am here to tell you that it's just not true. Once a woman makes it clear that she's interested, it's over. Kaput. Chase is done and he's uninterested. Ever watch a cat when he's about to pounce on his prey, like, let's say.... a fake little mouse? I mean, would you just pick up the fake mouse and hand it to the cat? NO! The cat wants to waggle his butt and get the little sucker in sight before he tears it to shreds. The hunter instinct! It must be nurtured. Do not rob men of their primal instincts. I mean, you don't have to be a bitch or anything. Or maybe some guys dig that, I don't know. Hey, I never claimed to have them TOTALLY figured out!

4. Short. Succinct. Sentences. Whether it be on a commercial break, on the phone, on IM, via email. If they want to read a diatribe, they'll read your myspace blog. Seriously. Get to the point, no hemming and hawing, just say it! He won't say thank you and he'll probably never even notice. But he'll sure as hell notice if you never shut up. I learned this lesson the hard way.

5. If you give them some time to be an immature assholes with their friends, there is at least the glimmer of hope that they can act like a grown-up around you. He needs at least one boys-only activity or he will go out of his mind.

6. My god, they smell good.

7. They never think castration jokes are the least bit funny. Ever.

8. They say that their ultimate fantasy is for a woman to show up at their door naked, carrying only a case of beer... but if that really happened? They'd totally call the cops and have a restraining order in three business days or less. Do not underestimate their fear of psycho chicks (but alas, see #6 in the list below).

9. It does not matter how in love he is with you, he will still look at other women's boobies. He still loves your boobies the most, don't worry.

10. Hold on loosely. But don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control.

Things I have still not figured out:

1. Why they like large vehicles and/or pimped out vehicles. Just buy a nicer car, dude.

2. What the hell their deal with lesbians are.

3. Video games? Can we please not play them for over 2 hours at a time? I think I'm being generous here.

4. Why they are convinced that growing up means you stop having fun. Responsibility and cessation of funtimes are completely exclusive of each other. Do not confuse the two.

5. Not sure where the threshold lies between these two things: feeling manly when asked to fix things; feeling beatdown when asked to fix things. Oops. Used the F word. Sorry.

6. Where's the line between psycho and exciting? Because men sure act like they are scared of psycho chicks and avoid them at all costs... yet.... Listen, I'm a sharp chick, but this one completely confuses me. Maybe the whackos are more outgoing and more willing to laugh at stupid jokes. I seriously have no idea. All I know is that I see psycho chicks out on dates all the time.

7. Why they are allegedly "indimidated" by funny, smart, or sports-savvy women. They say they like these things, but again.... LIES!

Summary: Sometimes boys are so fucking stupid and I will never figure some things out (like #2 on the latter list). But I sure do like them. They smell really good and say funny things. The End.

Ten Random Things

Another imported myspace post from November 20, 2005:

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Current mood: amused

1) I called my Dad today to ask him about windshield wipers and headlights. You know, guy stuff. I call him on his cell phone. Here's how the conversation went....

*Ring Ring*
Dad: Hello, daughter.
Me: Hello, father.
Dad: ........Hello. Dianna.
Me: Um. What are you doing?
Dad: I'm sitting in the car. Watching NASCAR.
Me: ............... I'm sorry, what?
Dad: Don't ask.

2) I have discovered what the great mass appeal of Grey's Anatomy is to women. Besides Patrick Dempsey. You see, the show is set in Seattle so it rains a lot. This leads to lots of shots of Patrick Dempsey with wet hair. Which is pretty hot.

3) I positively love Kermit the Frog and am contemplating signing up for the Target Two Day Sale Wake Up Call, even though I will be in Oklahoma City on Friday and will not be available to shop. Just so I can get a phone call from Kermit.

4) Not being able to shop for whatever reason makes me a little sad.

5) Getting phone calls from hot guys while I'm shopping is pretty close to nirvana. It can only be topped by getting a phone call from a hot guy while shopping while actually devouring a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Naked activities notwithstanding.

6) Cowboys won. That's right. Three in a row, baby. I didn't injure myself with any super-silent victory dances like I did last Monday, though. Man, that was a good game. Eat it, Philly.

7) I am getting on an airplane early Wednesday morning with my adorable child and I have yet to pack. I kind of contemplated which clothes I should bring. I hope that counts. Maybe I should be packing right now instead of writing on myspace? Hmmmm.......

8) Both Lost and Veronica Mars are airing new episodes on Wednesday. This is very upsetting because I'm going to be out of town and I have yet to catch up to 2003 and get a DVR so I can only set my VCR to record one show and OMG WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING!?! Somebody get me a paper bag....

9) Does that paper bag thing really work or is that just a TV thing?

10) Thanksgiving is Thursday! Yay! Have a good one, all and make sure to give thanks for this and that to whomever you please. Just do it, OK? And wear expandable pants and eat lots of turkey.

Mmmmmm ..... tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurkey.......


Alright, one more:

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Current mood: impressed

You know. There are just some moments that can really define something about someone. One little comment or action can be very telling sometimes. So tonight, Gabi and I were going over her Kindergarten newsletter. Please observe the following passage from said newsletter:

This week, we will be discussing the letter Mm. Mm is the m-m-m sound (yum). Some Mm words to practice: mat, man, milk, mad, me, mother. You may also try distinguishing words that end in Mm if you find your child is ready.

At this point, I turn to Gabs and I ask her, "Can you think of any words that end in M?" She looks up as if she's thinking. I figure I'd better think up some words that end in M too, just in case she can't think of any. I mean, she's 5 and she can read, but spelling is kind of the next step and I'm not sure if she's ready for that yet. I mean, she's only been in Kindergarten for a week and two days. So I'm thinking, She'll probably say Mom, you know, because I'm here. And then there's Pam, her aunt and then Kim like Kim Possible... hm... normal words.... arm, ram, rim.... lamb, even though I'd have to explain why those silly English boys insisted on putting a B on the end, even if you can't hear it. And then.....

Gabs: Chrysanthemum.
Me: *blank stare while my mouth falls wide open* .....wh.....what?
Gabs: *very matter of fact* It's a flower.

That's my kid.

Hey guys? What's going on in this blog?

So I guess it's time to come back to Blogger after being away at Myspace. I'm reading back on my myspace posts & I'll be moving some of them over here for nostalgia and saving stuff and whatnot. If I can jam it into 140 characters, I guess I'll send it over to twitter & not take up a whole post for it. Anyway. I miss it over here. I miss my readers. I miss barfing up words into barely intelligible sentences and stringing those sentences together to almost tell a story. So here's the first post on myspace that I thought I'd share:

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Current mood: hungry

Dear Burrito,

I want you back! When I ordered you at On the Border last night, I really had no idea how much I would like you. I mean, on the menu, you were everything I looked for in a burrito: diced chicken, black beans, red peppers, grilled to perfection. And you were everything you promised to be. But, I had no idea it would be too much for me to handle. I really wanted us to be something, but I just couldn't make it happen. I completely enjoyed what little time we had together. Please believe that! I'm so sorry I sent 2/3 of you back. I want you to know how painful that was for me. But now as I sit here with no food in the fridge, I just want you back. Sure, I could go out and get a new burrito, but it wouldn't be you. I hope you can forgive me.


Blonde Lady at Table 32

January 02, 2009

My New Year's Eve Shenanigans

So since New Year's Eve was a Wednesday, my bar had karaoke, as per usual. I went to sing, right? Because that's what I do. I said "Flashdance," but Johnny heard "Last Dance" and oh ha ha, silly mistake. I'll sing it anyway! Wheeee! Well, Brad and Laura thought they would come up and dance with me, which is terribly distracting and I can't sing for shit when I'm laughing. Well, I'm an idiot because when I got up to sing, I left my phone on the bar. I do this all the time and don't even think about it since there is ALWAYS someone I know sitting there. My phone isn't even that super. It doesn't have a touch screen, it's not an iPhone or a Blackberry, so I don't know what would be so appealing about it. So, as you have probably guessed by now, I get back to my seat and my phone's gone. We search. I'm upset. I ask everyone sitting around us if they saw anything, including Laura's ex-boyfriend Ricky, who was sitting there the whole time. Everybody's clueless. Bartenders didn't see anything, nobody saw anything.

So I'm freaking out. Brad is so kind, he gives me like, $150 to replace the phone. I'm in tears. I go up to the karaoke dudes and I ask them to announce a $100 reward if they just return the phone to the front desk. I spent midnight sobbing up by the hostess stand just praying that someone returns it. My makeup's wrecked, I'm upset, I'm pissed off. So I go to the bathroom and clean up. I go sit back down and I'm just.... sad. Laura is like, "It's here. IT'S HERE. It's gotta be!" And I'm all, "WHO STEALS A PHONE? Who does this? $100 is way more than they'd get for it selling it, right?" I'm so upset. I don't have a landline phone, I don't have anybody's phone numbers memorized, my master list is at work. I just keep repeating "Who steals a phone?" and "Who would do this?" Ricky tries to encourage me by saying that I could just get a new phone and put the old SIM card in the new phone. I'm like, "How the hell am I gonna put the old SIM card in the new phone if the old SIM card is in my phone and I don't know where the hell that phone is right now!?" Ricky? Maybe not so smart.

I borrow Brad's phone. And I'm just calling over and over and over. I'm thinking that if someone STOLE it, they would turn it off. But it wasn't off since it would ring and ring and ring and then go to voicemail. So I'm thinking that someone just picked it up or it fell weird behind the bar or something. I'm thinking someone will see, hear, or feel something since I always have it on vibrate.

Ricky puts on his coat like he's about to leave and hugs me from behind, which is kind of inappropriate since this is the second time I've met him and we were not friendly last time, and we weren't buddy buddy friendly this time either. He is not a friend, and in fact, I've always found him to be creepy and a gross invader of personal space. And he didn't need to be touching me. However. He says to me, "It'll turn up." And then. On a whim, I reach back with my left hand.... and what do I feel? Vibrations. I stand up and turn around....

"What is in your pocket?" He's all, "Huh?" I'm like, "WHAT'S IN YOUR JACKET, DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE, FUCKER?" Again. Ricky. Maybe not so smart.

This is where the rage sets in, so details are a little fuzzy because rage does that to you.

He's all "WHAAAAAAT? I didn't do anything!" I'm like, "I felt your jacket vibrate, WHAT'S IN YOUR JACKET?" So I try to get into his jacket pockets and he falls down on the ground like a little bitch. I take this opportunity to corner him and check one of his pockets. Somehow, there materializes a wall of three men, shoulder to shoulder, in between him and me. I think it was Brad, Zack (a manager), and Josh. Again, fuzzy rage memories.

He gets up. I am yelling at him, "WHAT IS IN YOUR POCKET!?" This wall of men was in my way. Normally, a wall of men is a very good thing, but this time, I had to get around them before he escaped, because he was definitely trying to get out of this situation. They were all facing him, so they didn't see me coming. I grab him again and I think he fell down. I may have knocked his drunk ass down, I'm not really sure.

I managed to get my hands in both of his outside pockets and found nothing, but his jacket was still vibrating (yay phone). At this point, management plus a few others are there and trying to hold me back. I'm having none of it. The rage. It is powerful. So he's down on the ground like a motherfucking pussy and I manage to get my hand inside his inside pocket and pull out my phone.


OK, now I'm really really being restrained. Three dudes are holding me back and Ricky* gets escorted out of the bar. My friend Brad follows him out there and apparently tackled his face into the curb and introduced his forearm to the back of Ricky's neck, at which point HE had to be restrained or there was going to be police involved. According to witnesses, Ricky was still denying any wrongdoing, even with his face planted into a curb, and even though I pulled my phone out of his jacket AND EVERYBODY SAW IT. Sheesh.

I didn't see that part because I was made to sit down and drink a glass of water by two strapping young men who were very nice and kinda cute and had nice biceps. I know they had nice biceps because they had to use those to get me to sit down. One of them told me he was scared for the other guy and the other one said after the rage cloud had lifted, he could see that I was actually kinda cute. I meant to say, "Oh thanks, my name's Dianna. What's yours?" But instead, it came out, "Who the fuck are you?" I didn't mean to. The rage has lingering effects. That guy was my new year's smooch.

So that was my NYE drama. I got my phone back, Ricky is banned from the bar forever, and I have an entire gaggle of real-life white knights whom I shall forever buy beers for (thank goodness 2 of them live out of town). Oh and I got to kiss a cute boy. So there's that, too.

*Changing the names to protect the innocent only happens when you're innocent, fuckface

December 12, 2008

My take on the ALLEGED Romo/TO story

The information provided herein is not a reflection of any actual events. It is a summary of all of the information gleaned from various media outlets including (but not limited to) ESPN.com, Fark.com sports tab, and 1310 The Ticket. Actually, now that I think about it, this story may be completely devoid of any facts whatsoever.

OK so basically what happened was, TO called up Pat and Roy and were all, "Dudes, do you see this?" and Pat and Roy were like, "Yeah, I guess." And then TO was like, we have got to talk to the bossman about this, so then Pat and Roy were like, sure dude whatever, can we play Madden later? So the three amigos go in and talk to ol' Garrett and they're like, "Tony is totally picking his BFF over us!" except it wasn't really "we" so much as it was "TO." Well, Garrett was like, dudes really? And Pat and Roy were like *shrug* and TO was like *princess stomp!*

So THEN, soooooooooooomebody goes all blah blah blah to ESPN... doesn't even give the Dallas Morning News the heads up or NOTHIN. And then ESPN is all, well let's take a survey, right? They do it on myspace all the time. So this ESPN dude goes around asking a bunch of nosy questions and some players who are way nervous about people finding out that they got big flappy gums were all, "Yeah, TO's a total attention whore and never wipes down the gym equipment and splashes us in the pool. And sometimes, he even takes two juice boxes at lunch." And then Bradie James is like, "Sometimes I ref their slapfights." And then I'm all, add some pudding and I'm so there. What? Bradie James is wicked hot.

So NOW everybody thinks TO is losing his marbles and is drawing lines in the dirt all Clint Eastwood style when really he's just kind of bitching and whining, which should come as really no surprise to anyone but his sweet dear old grandmother. But really, what do you expect when you get 53 dudes who have pretty much been the best at what they do their whole lives in the same locker room, naked and sweaty with a limited supply of towels?

.......um.... what?

So here's my theory and feel free to pick it apart.... I think this is a manufactured dramatic situation to drum up TV ratings for Sunday. Was it necessary for a prime time nationwide game between division rivals who have been battling each other for playoff spots for years? I don't think so. However, we are talking about Jerry Jones here. I'm thinking he tried to get the media machine rolling with his comment about being "surprised" that Marion Barber didn't play against the Steelers. Well, when Tashard Choice stepped the hell up and played like a champ, that story died. Well now no one's talking about the Cowboys, what to do? Ah yes... the ace in the hole. The one that never fails.... Terrell Owens had a hissy fit. Hey, maybe he did. I have no doubts that the WR corps met with Garrett to discuss which plays were being called and which options were being utilized. Was it as bad as the media outlets are making it out to be? I don't think so. The media loves a good TO story, even when it's mundane and dry like that one time your mom tried to make beef jerky in the oven. This, however, is a juicy succulent filet mignon of a story with lots and lots of bacon and a pepper rub grilled up to a nice medium rare, with the juice leaking over into the mashed potatoes and.....

I keep doing that. So there's my theory. If TO is really drawing a line in the sand, all I have to say is, we've got about 5 wide receivers to get the job done. We only have one QB who can get it done, and that has actually been proven in a court of law and multiple scientific studies. Plus, one of them is a free agent after this year and the other one just started a multi-year, multi-bajillion dollar contract. So... I'd say the one with the big contract will probably be the one sticking around for the long haul. I love TO, but I love Romo even more. In fact, I would choose Romo over just about anyone except my own flesh and blood. And even then, there are some cousins I'd boot before him.

September 27, 2008

Hard Knocks

I'm watching Hard Knocks with my friend Jessica. Even if it wasn't about my favorite team, it'd still be a fantastic show for anyone who loves football. However, I have one big complaint. It appears that Tony Romo is going to wear his shirt the entire time. Very disappointing.


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