You guys cracker me up!

Friday afternoon I found myself disgusted with my 132 messages in my inbox. I thought, surely I do not need all of these! So I began perusing the old emails to see what I should throw out and what I should keep and what I should file in one of my special folders. As I perused, I noticed that not only do I come up with the occasional comedic gem, my friends are damn funny! So I decided to compile all the stuff that STILL made me giggle and post it here so you can all see where I get my sparkling personality from: it rubs off on me from my friends. I made sure to note who said what. If it's not noted, then that means I said it. I did not include anything from any forwarded messages or joke lists. These are all straight from your everyday narrative email and in the case of the numbered entries, those damn surveys we all hate yet can't seem to stop filling out and sending on. And just a quick FYI for those of you spared our "survey circle," we have a little rule that says that we can change whatever questions in a survey that we don't like. So some of the questions are not exactly typical (or family friendly for that matter). Please enjoy! I certainly enjoyed compiling it.

24. What is the coolest thing ever? ice - Margo

5. What is your favorite TV show? Anything but reality TV. See, I have a life and I choose not to spend it obsessed over somebody else's life.
6. What do you think people are thinking about you right now? What a dick. - Scott

9. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? what am I swallowing? - Cece

One night after the Spurs had finished making the Lakers their collective bitches, some sportscaster was doing an interview with Tim Duncan. Of course, we can't hear what they're saying so I just started talking over him and saying all the typical shit that athletes say in the post-game interview. "You know, they played a great game and we just went out there and did our best and came out on top we just gotta keep up the momentum yadda yadda yadda" but every once in a while, I'd throw in a "Shaq is my bitch" or something like that.

I think if the woman is able to hold her own and have a good time (like you) then we enjoy it - but if we have to keep explaining why one team wears blue and one wears white, or keep telling her that 3 of a kind beats 2 pair, or that it's not proper etiquette to caress the strippers ass when you give her a tip, then it becomes a nuisance. - WJ

I have been finding strange things really hot lately....like installing a modem. Just the way he took the side of my CPU off....rrrrowr!

hey - nerds can be physically hot too. just doesnt happen very often. like albinos and blue moons. – Ava

jessica is coming over to help me yell at the tv.

people tell me that i'm evil enough to be going to hell. and i can truly see myself there sipping tea with hitler and eating rice with pol pot for the rest of my life....
could i possibly persuade you to refer to me what my future diploma will say, Big Black Baby Jesus. just a thought and have only been touting that name to terrorize my ultra conservative, fundamental, middle aged, female coworkers who apparently pray for my lost soul everynight. now i'm really hungry for some rice and quenched for tea. - Patrick

The only thing that really turns me off about firefighters are the mustaches. I can't take it. It's so....70's porn star softball coach motorcycle cop.

sure, maybe I don't email you for a few weeks at a time, and yeah, I'll sometimes spend more work hours chatting and playing games than working.....hmmm maybe I am an asshat afterall. – WJ

But I love you and you love me and I don't have to go to hell because I love the Cowboys.

10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Trouble – Cece

15. Favorite sandwich? Tube steak on labia. – Scott

3. What is Angelina's middle name?
a. She doesnt have one
b. Starr
c. Maxx
d. Alyssa
C ya damn hippy. But that's why I love you

26. Is everyone truly a Captain Kirk? Undoubtedly – Sevi

I should tell you from the beginning that I'm awesome.

5. What is Cece’s favorite movie of all time? You insane nerd JOE VS THE VOLCANO

Apparently, I feel the need to yell at someone. I often feel the need to yell at people on Friday. But in a loving way, of course.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? Do people still do that? – Danielle

If you ever feel the need to make fun of somebody who can’t read, you are an asshole. But if that need doesn’t go away, just write them a cruel note. - Mark

6. FAVORITE SMELL? Apology flowers

40. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG? Hamburger. I'm psychologically incapable of accepting hot dogs as a viable food.

45. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? nothin...whazamottowitchew? – Margo

I remember in high school I thought I was awesome so I wrote “Fizziks” on my Physics book. – Mark

6. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Death or anything you put in smelly candles – DB

How do you feel about gay marriage and the legality of the whole thing? it’s this typical refusal to accept change and logically think that has us stuck in a period of de-evolution. And there’s no way I want to go back to the days of knighthood, because I fear my sword wielding skills are terrible. – Mark

Do you believe in UFOs? Sure, why not - it seems unlikely to think we are the only life forms in the universe. However, if the other life forms are technically advanced enough to "fly" billions of miles to come to earth on a regular basis just friggin land and say Hi already ! - WJ

Am I mean or nice? what time is it? – Scott

Do I go to church? heh, is going to the mall considered church?
Would you consider me a fucktard, a whoretard, or an assclown? sorrylations if anyone calls you any of those – Cece

I mean, why would they want a not-as-skinny girl with an actual personality when they can have Twiggy who will laugh and agree with every dope-headed thing they say? You are thinking I am bitter. I might be.

I still think all our spelling tricks and silent letters and I-before-e-except-for-when-this-shit-happens rules are designed to keep the lazy fuckers from accidentally becoming a CEO. My roommate’s friend needed a new refrigerator. She spent all day looking in the “F” section, for “fridge”. She should not be allowed to run a company. – Mark

Maybe soon we'll have a gum for those with the painful addiction to french fries. Then we can all go to rehab together and talk about how hamburgers ruled our lives for so long because of our low self esteem. It's not our fault! It's an addiction! It's a DISEASE!! And we had no control over where we went to eat or what we ordered! McDonald's controls our MINDS!! Those evil bastards. I bet they put crack in the grease so we are physically incapable of avoiding it. There's an old saying that goes something like, if there's not a conspiracy going on around you, then you aren't looking hard enough. I feel better knowing that my fat ass is no longer my fault.

I bought a $39 remote control airplane just to be an asshole. I got a new bright purple shirt that says “Hawaii” on it (I’m collecting all 44 states). - Mark

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don’t let this confuse you. ( I didn’t write this one. It’s from an email on how to drive in Dallas, but it was just too good to leave out. Mainly because it’s actually true.)

How do you write zero in Roman numerals? The Romans didn't care. It meant nothing to them.

OH LOOK AT ME NOW! IM COUNTING OFF MY DRINKS LIKE SOME SORT OF HIGH SCHOOL CASANOVA, EXCEPT WITHOUT ALL THOSE GODDAMNED BICEPS! You’re my best friend I have never met. – Mark

What are you most thankful for: Gabi, my family, my friends, my job, my purple car and a lot of other stuff like air and gravity.

What is your favorite animal and why? Tigers because they are beautiful and powerful and no one ever asks a tiger "hey, you gonna finish that?"

They are funny, and include UNICORNS, which I have decided are the funniest non-actual creatures to ever not-exist. – Mark

I am also opposed to using "dear" in the greeting. I just say "Ms. Browning," or whatever. "Dear" implies that you are dear to me therefore I am writing you this heartfelt letter. When in fact, if I am at work, and I have to write you a letter, chances are, I hate you. But I hear it's bad form to open a letter with "My Nemesis." Just a rumor I heard. Closing with Sincerely is often preferred, but it's so old and tired and just takes up space. I prefer "ring me if you need me" or "don't call me, I won't answer." Depending on the sitch. I would also like to use "Just do it. Don't argue. You know I'm right."

"Can I smell you?"
Uh, sure. You can probably smell it OK right here on my neck.
"Dang, you smell so good. I think I caught a whiff of your hair, too."
Uh, well, actually my shampoo doesn't smell like anything, really.
"Can I braid your hair?"
Say what?
"Are you surprised?"
Well, yes, I can't say I've ever had a man offer to braid my hair before.
"Oh, I can do it. Here, let me show you."
Oh wow, that's impressive. Do you have daughters or something?
"Horses."
Aaaaaaaaah. Well, that's um, really cool.