Teepee. Wigwam.

I love that joke! More than any 28 year old woman really should. But anyway, I realize that last night's post was a little intense. But just let me tell you, it has done WONDERS for my mood! I'm in a much better mood today mainly because I just got it all OUT! It's like purging the toxins. Ipecac. And the beauty of it is, nobody has to read it if they don't want to! I'm not being a burden to anyone! But people DID read it! And they posted sweet little comments and sent me little huggy IMs. Awwwwwww! Also, this little bit from my morning radio show helped out a little, too. It's riddled with typos and poor grammar, but the general message is quite clear. The only argument I had (along with Kellie who is somehow in tune with my brain) was that if the person who wronged you doesn't know that they have wronged you, you have a desire to let that person know that you are upset about the situation and how you feel about it. In that respect, I think Brad knows he has annoyed and insulted me. Captain Kangaroo on the other hand, remains clueless. And no one is surprised in the least.

And then I got to enjoy Last Comic Standing 2.5! And tonight is Last Comic Standing AGAIN and the Amazing Race. The only bad thing is, TAR is up against my very favoritest sitcom, Scrubs. Evil programming directors. Some would say "just set your VCR." Shane and Jessica both can attest to how well that suggestion goes over with me. Maybe Shane and Jessica can get together and program their VCRs together. "OMG do you have that button on your remote, too? How WEIRD!"*

I just read that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is filming in Dallas for the next three weeks and the episodes will be airing in January. Thank Ian, because I know plenty of men who need the help around here. The article said that the first episode was being filmed in Denton at my alma mater! Wheeeee! Too bad STUPID COMCAST put Bravo on digital cable that I don't have! I get the godforsaken GOLF CHANNEL but no Bravo? Maybe by January I can move up to digital with the big kids. Bastards.



* "OMG" was inserted for "OMI" since I was not the one speaking. Carry on.

Public Service Announcement

This is to alert the general public of people I like to call "Chronic Helpers." Please. Observe.

Just FYI, here are some things never to say to a woman (or anyone, really) who is upset. At you or otherwise.

1. Are you raggin?
2. Well, you are difficult to deal with.
3. That is some pity party you're having.
4. Why can't you just get over it?
5. You can be overbearing.
6. I told you so/I warned you.
7. It's not worth your time/effort/emotion.

Someone that was allegedly "trying to help" has said all seven (!!!) of those things in a very sad attempt to make me feel better. Did I ask for his "help"? Of course not! And his excuses were along the lines of "I'm just concerned about you" and "I'm not going to pull punches or blow sunshine up your ass." Well. I didn't ask you to help me, now did I? I am clearly upset and you think those little gems are supposed to HELP? Just a friendly tip: those statements are commonly known as "insults." Now WJ (straight up from the tough streets of Buffalo) has come to me and asked me to cut this guy some slack. He's just trying to help and he's not sure how to do it. OK, fine. But. This is not a black and white situation between telling the truth and telling a lie. I don't know if those things (mostly 2 and 5) are true, and to be honest I don't want to know.* But we do have that sweet little third option of JUST KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Hey, maybe I don't WANT to talk about my problems! As much as society says that as a woman, I always want to talk about my problems, I have to say, the older I get, the less I want to ramble endlessly about how terrible things are. Sometimes I just want to forget about my problems and try to distract myself, be it through playing trivia and drinking beer or playing on the internet.** Do I think they will go away? Of course not! I just want a little escape. A tiny mental vacation! But don't tell that to the "Chronic Helpers" out there. They just want to fix fix fix.

Now I know I sound bitter. I should be THANKFUL that someone cares enough about me to ask how I am doing and be concerned when I do not seem my usual bubbly, sarcastic self. I am thankful, please believe me. But can that someone care enough to leave it alone after they are asked to leave it alone? Usually CH's are relatives and only have to be dealt with at the rare holiday dinner. Unless, of course, you're Jewish, in which case you have a holiday dinner every 3 days. But some CH's are co-workers, friends, and acquaintances. People we don't necessarily want to offend by chirping a little "back off." And UGH, I hate this line too: "Why are you so defensive? I'm not attacking you." Dude, I get to defend myself. No one else is going to do it. And whether you are purposely attacking me or not, it still hurts and you can't tell me that I shouldn't be hurt over that. To sum up: Don't tell me how to feel; don't be surprised if I get the claws out after I've warned you repeatedly; giving unsolicited advice could result in bloodshed; oh, and don't tell me I'm "bitchy" because I don't feel like talking about it. This just seems like common sense to me. Is this hard? I don't just mysteriously insist on not talking about something. I'm always polite and give clear body language signals in increasing intensity as well as spoken word requests to just let me be. How much does it take? I guess some things I just can't understand. I seriously hope to never become a CH. And don't worry, if you're reading this, I do not put you in the CH category. The person who is the subject of my current ire is not aware of this fancy-pants little website (so don't tell him dammit!). Thank goodness because I really REALLY needed to vent. Whew.

Disclaimer: This was not meant to imply that it is men who are this clueless about how to deal with people. Anyone can be a CH. It could be someone you know. Please. Do not help them or you could become one of them. That is all.

*No really. I don't want to know. I am who I am and if you think I'm overbearing, well that's just how it is and I'm sorry that somehow miraculously, you liked me before, but now you don't so pbbbbbbbbt! I apologize for offending you so.***

**I have found that searching for pictures of Ian Thorpe is VERY therapeutic. Well, any hot Olympian will do, really.

***Not really.

WWELHD?

Straight up, now. Tell me. Do you really wanna love me forever? Or am I caught in a hit and run? Wear sunglasses at night. Got it. Keep track of visions in my eyes. Check. Do NOT switch the blade on the guy and shades. Just don't even think about it. Video killed the radio star? What are videos? Are there places we can watch those? Man, they should have like, a WHOLE channel just for music videos. Wouldn't that be rad? (I am totally starving, but I refuse to leave my computer lest I miss some nuggets of wisdom. Mmmm chicken nuggets.) Reach out. Touch the flame. Where the streets have no name...as rural addressing coordinator, I can definitively say that there are plenty of places like that in the county where we can reach out and touch the flame. Yo. Don't worry, no one lives there yet. They're not in danger of being blown by the wind. I'm not totally sure about taking life advice from Bono, but damn can he sing or what. Riding on the range. I've got my hat. On. I've got my boots. Dusty. Teeeeeeeeed oh Teeeeeeeed. This song is just a shade bizarre, but dammit if I don't love it. My name is Ted. And one day. I'll be dead yo yo yo. Ha! And that's the last line of the song! Random. Hm, here's a song I like but I have no idea who sings it or what it's called. I never took the smile away from anybody's face. Big Country! That's what this song is! In a big country dreams stay with you like a lover's voice across a mountainside. Huh? It sounds good when it's sung, but man, written out, it's just a big old mess. Things are goin great. And they're only gettin better. Future's so bright. I gotta wear shades. At night. See above. What I REALLY need to do is find a brand new lovah. All the love that we had I have quickly outgrown! Preach it! Too bad those are the only words I can understand in this song. I'm sure there's more pearls of wisdom buried in there somewhere. Rock the cradle of love. So what you're saying is I should go after Ian? But it don't rock easily. Shake it up. Whatever you do. Call me. My love call me call me any day or night. I wasn't sure exactly what she was saying in that first verse so I looked it up. Colour me your car? Wha.... Oh yeah. Life goes on. Long after the thrill of living is gone. Gonna let it rock, let it roll. Let the Bible belt come and sing my song. Hold on to sixteen as long as you can. Changes come around real soon make us women and men. Word.

Man we should totally write an eighties lyrics "bible" with all these little life guiding pearls of wisdom. Ferris can be our king.

25 Worst Songs of the Past 25 Years

Hey, remember when Blender came out with their worst songs ever list like, 3 years ago? Yeah, and remember when I said I'd make my own list? Well, it's finally finished!!! Actually, I was perusing my local drive at work and I stumbled upon it. I don't know how long ago I wrote it, but I had to add on the dishonorable mentions, so sorry if they're not as funny or not in the same vein as the original 25. And hey guys, aren't you relieved there's no Ian Thorpe in this post?

25 Worst of the Past 25

I'm not sure I can ever put these in any sort of order. When you're bad, you're just plain bad.

Breaking the Girl - Red Hot Chili Peppers You know, I've often said that I like the old Chili Peppers, and hate the new stuff. I really think this song is the dividing line between "cool" and "suck." What's this song about? I have an idea, but I try not to think about it. What meter is that? Did everyone just pick one out of a hat and just go with it? Was Anthony Kiedis completely stoned when he recorded this song? Probably. Most of their latter songs just sound like they were all jamming in the garage one day and someone hit "record" and then made copies and sold them out of Flea's trunk. This song just happens to be the worst.

Cat's in the Cradle - Ugly Kid Joe I feel like I should really keep it to one song per artist, so it was a toss-up between this one and "I Hate Everything About You." At least that one’s kind of funny in an absurd way. Cat's in the Cradle edged out and won because of the sheer level of "annoy" I feel every time I'm subjected to this song. I feel for the kid and the clueless parent in this song. It truly is a sad lesson to learn. But does it have to be such a boring, long, repetitive lesson?

Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla Is there some symbolism that I'm missing? Are the cars sad? If so, why do they need to be counted? As far as I can see, this song is about ambling about aimlessly talking about philosophy and other things nobody ever gets anywhere discussing whilst counting the occasional blue car. Boring. Lame. Snooze.

Dirty Diana - Michael Jackson OK, I know what you're thinking. I hate this song because of personal reasons, which is mostly true. I do not like being referred to as unclean, much less a prostitute, which is what this song is about. A whore. And people have thought that they were clever and funny for singing it at me since about the fifth grade and most of them didn't even know the song was about a hooker. All of that aside, it's MJ's worst song. Ever. Seriously. Even worse than Scream.

Everybody (Backstreet's Back) - Backstreet Boys Any boy band who has to write a song about how rad they are, well they're just....not rad. This was clearly a money-making, piece of crap song put on the air waves so that teenage girls can swoon and buy buttons and get over it in a couple of years (see NKOTB entry for more).

Everything I Do....I Do It For You - Bryan Adams Dude! What happened to kicking ass? And running to me??? In the Summer of '69??? What happened to you? I remember clearly this movie coming out and crying when Kevin Costner rescued the lady with the curly head and finding this song so appropriate and sweet and awww someday my prince will rescue me too! PUKE! I hate slow sappy songs and this one is Vermont-fresh, ready for bottling. I mean, I can get on the bandwagon if there is some great vocal performance involved, but....no.

Follow Me - Uncle Kracker I think what most people don't realize about this song (which is obvious as soon as you listen to more lyrics than just the chorus) is that it is about a man trying to lure a married woman into an affair. As we all know, I hate cheaters. Super big time. Add on top of that, barely passable vocals and a score easy enough for the 7th grade beginner band and we have a real stinker on our hands. Ew.

Hangin Tough - NKOTB This song came out when I was in junior high. I loved it. I loved them. Donnie was so dreamy (and now I love(d) him on Boomtown). then I remember one day, my best friend came to me and informed me that her older brother knew something that we didn't know. NKOTB SUCKED! Gasp! You can't be serious? Yes! They're lame! They have no souls! It was all a shock and they just faded away until a few weeks ago. The drive-time dj sometimes takes whacky requests on Friday afternoons to put everyone in a good mood for the weekend (which I think all stations should do, but that's just me. Nothing kills a good Friday afternoon buzz like some crappy Train Song. Ooh, more on that later). But anyway, they played this song and I couldn't stop laughing because it was so bad. The part where they say "We're rrrrrough!" Yeah, nothing says "tough guy" like singing in a boy band. Just because it worked for the Sharks does NOT mean it will work for you.

Hero - Enrique Iglesias This is another instance of just having to pick one song from a terrible "artist." I once heard a direct feed from this guy's microphone from one of his concerts. I've heard drunken old men sing Margaritaville in karaoke sound better than this guy singing his own song at his own concert. Regardless of that little tidbit, the vocals on this song are so pathetic as are the lyrics. Would you dance? If I asked you to dance? HUH? And don't even get me started on the video.

Hero - Chad Kroeger Please note: two songs, same title, different suckage. But suckage all the same. It's doofs like these two who are contributing to the watered-down meaning of the word "hero" lately. Chad Kroeger, in my opinion, tries way too hard to have a "rocker" voice. He has a decent amount of talent and range, I give him that much. But he just seems so....manufactured. And usually, I'm the person not caring how manufactured or corporate something is, because as long as we're buying it, we must like it. Right? Sort of. This song makes me re-think that a lot.

I Do (Cherish You) - 98 Degrees That's body temperature, baby! HOT! While I will admit that Nick Lachey is hot and has a relatively decent level of vocal ability, this song is about as generic as you get. Step out on a limb here, people! I think I wanted this song in here because I needed one song to represent all of the sappy, lame love songs out there. Write about something else occasionally! People do other things than just go around falling in love all the time! Let's have a mainstream song about hockey! Or bears (which really does exist, by a guy named Sergio who is from Israel, not even to mention the Super Bowl Shuffle) or SOMETHING! Sheesh. Maps, pens, paper, clocks! OK, now I'm just naming stuff on my desk. Moving on....

I'd Do Anything For Love - Meat Loaf First of all, I hate meat loaf. Not the person, the food. Sorry, I know it's some sort of un-American thing to do, but I just can't stand it. The mere image of a loaf of meat telling me he won't do "that" kind of makes me want to hurl. Now Meat...er....Mr. Loaf?....anyway, he doesn't have the worst voice ever. If I heard him in a karaoke bar, I'd be all, "Thanks for not making my ears bleed, man." But if he was singing this song, I'd throw my beer at him for making me sit through a song that basically contradicts itself for 4 hours.

Invisible - Clay Aiken Speaking of contradicting yourself....our sweet little Clay. How doth thou maketh my list? I won't lie. I like Clay. I'm not a Clayniac or anything, but I do like his voice. It tends to give me chills. I can't watch him sing, though. He makes these faces like he's sexy and he's just....not. I just want him to be dorky and not know what to do with his hands. Back to the song. If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room (perv!). If I was invisible. I'd make you mine tonight (stalker!). If I was invisible. Then I could just tell you where I stand (behind a restraining order). If I was invisible. Wait. I already am. THEN WHY ARE YOU SINGING THIS RIDICULOUS SONG?? I realize Clay did not write this song. Some lame schlep wrote this song drunk after a random girl at a bar said she wouldn't dance with him.

Ironic - Alannis Morissette Isn't it ironic that a song titled "Ironic" isn't even about irony? Actually, no, it's not. It's just unfortunate. Which is what the name of this song should've been called in the first place. Definition of ironic from http://www.dictionary.com: characterized by often poignant difference or incongruity between what is expected and what actually is. Let's see....rain on your wedding day....unexpected, true, but most weather is. The weather doesn't care if it's your wedding day! Also, rain on your wedding day is considered good luck in most cultures. It represents fertility, not feeling all mopey. OK, next....a free ride when you already paid...see, that's just unfortunate. And what kind of jerk takes your money if it's a free ride? Good advice that you just didn't take....well how were you supposed to know? If it's your mother, you should've known. The key word in that definition is "poignant." There has to be some meaning to the unexpected outcome. The black fly in your chardonnay....fish that baby out and drink up! Quit complaining!

It Wasn't Me - Shaggy Ugh. This song disgusts me. It disgusts me to even think about it long enough to write about it. You are a dirty, lying, cheating bastard who even lies after he's been caught. This is funny to you? Then reciting all the places you were low-life cheater like it's some sort of bragfest. So the lyrics infuriate me. The "music" is repetitive and droll. Hate!

Let Her Cry - Hootie & the Blowfish First of all, let me just state that my universe is a Hootie-free zone. I applaud the way they paved the way for all feel-good happy fun time college garage bands. But they're supposed to be happy. What is this song??? Depressing and boring. Even Darius Rucker sounds like he's about to fall asleep halfway through. It's basically about someone having a bad day. Go have some ice cream and shut up already.

Long December - Counting Crows After some brief consciousness after adding Hootie to my list, we come to this song. The only thing that keeps me awake during this song is that guy's grating vocals.

Mesmerize - Ja Rule/Ashanti OK, first of all, why is Ashanti even listed in the credits? All she says is "love it when you look at me baby." I guess better she sing it than him. Rappers just shouldn't sing. If you are a rapper and you think you can sing....just....don't. And then the lyrics. UGH! All he's doing is listing her body parts. Your lips, your thighs. Your knuckles, your toes. I'm so glad we've all risen above this body-glorification thing.

Mmm Mmm Mmm - Crash Test Dummies This song just makes me laugh. It's so droll they didn't even want to think up a title with real words in it. Is it about people in unfortunate situations? Am I supposed to feel bad? The verses sound like well, me trying to write an interesting story. Once, there was this kid who....Even worse, it sounds like my 4 year old composed the the whole thing. And the chorus. What to say about the chorus. The guy hums an arpeggio twice. Then it sounds like he's supposed to sing it a third time, but he falls asleep and the guitar has to take over from there. I seriuosly hope to hear the muzak version of this in an elevator someday. It will be proof that even the muzak engineers have a sense of humor.

My Sacrifice - Creed Hey remember when Creed was cool? Yeah, me either. I do remember tolerating them before they won 5 billion Grammies in one night. Then like, 8 stations I listen to started to play them simultaneously and constantly. All of their songs sound the same, so I'm not sure how I came to hate this one the most. Maybe it's the martyrdom or the self-aggrandization of Scott Staph. Maybe it's the way he strikes that Jesus pose in the video. Or is that Arms Wide Open? Ah, who cares, they all suck.

Push - Matchbox 20 You want to push me around? Well, that's not very nice for such a soft-spoken gentleman like you, Rob Thomas. Oooh he says he will. Twice! Look out. No really, Rob is a great guy. I like listening to him give radio interviews. I really do like him as a person. I hate his band. Wah wah wah boohoo my life is so sad and no one understands me. Cheer the hell up, would you!?? I make no secret of my general disdain for slow songs, and this one is no exception. The lyrics are lame, the music isn't even in a minor key and it's so simplistic. I could figure this song out on the piano in about 30 seconds.

Right Thurr - Chingy I like the way you do it. Right thurr. Yes, right thurr. I think I know what this song is about, but honestly, I can't fathom listening to it all the way through to figure it out.

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy - Kenny Chesney No. She doesn't. Seriously. No woman has ever thought a John Deere or Kubota was sexy. Not only is the entire premise of this song retarded, it also represents something I don't like about country music. It's almost like they're trying to take the redneck thing and bring it out into the open and brag about it. So they write these ridiculous songs. And when I'm trying to convince a country-music-hater that no really, there are good country songs, it never fails that some piece of redneck, moonshine-swillin, tractor-lovin, barmaid-huggin, lameass song like this comes on. Then I turn to that country-music hater and say "Yeah, you were right."

So Far Away - Staind I wish you were so far away Mr. Whineybutt. I swear all this band puts out is a bunch of boohoo, my life is so misunderstood even by me crap that I can't honestly see why anyone likes them. I've heard that their CD is nothing like the stuff they play on the radio. Isn't that counterproductive? Isn't the radio basically your biggest commercial for your music? I understand the heartfelt sentiment of this song (he's whining about his successful music career and how it takes him away from his family), but does he have to whine the whole song?

When It's Over - Sugar Ray Possibly the worst song by the worst band ever to make it "big." Even Mark McGrath said that they put Sugar Ray together to have a one-hit-wonder (with I Just Want to Fly) and just live off the fat for the rest of their lives. Why can't we just let them live their dream?

Dishonorable Mentions: I know what you’re thinking. Possibly. Why bother with dishonorable mentions when I didn’t even rank the others? I mean, why not just make it the worst 29? Because, my friend, 29 just isn’t a round number, so deal.

Two Princes – Spin Doctors Mind-numbing background music, if that. Now, there are plenty of songs that are background music at best, what makes this one so special? The stupid lyrics. One has. Diamonds in his pockets. Now how 'bout that, now. I can't even stand to think about the next line I'm so annoyed. Gah. The only reason it didn’t make the “real” list is the redeeming Sesame Street factor. That’s right, I actually saw an episode of Sesame Street (I watched well into college) where the Spin Doctors came on and helped Prairie Dawn decide who she should play with. The logical conclusion: can’t we all just play together? If only all of our problems could be solved with crappy pop songs. Never mind.

One Headlight – Wallflowers I hate the creepy sound effect whatever it is that keeps popping up and just what the hell is this song about? Read the lyrics. Something about a funeral and Cinderella and a parade and one headlight? Huh? Whatever, Wallflowers. Just….whatever. Maybe I’m missing something horribly deep, but if it’s THAT tough to figure out, maybe you’re being a shade too enigmatic, hm? I think so. This song is like "Counting Blue Cars" annoying brat little brother.

Calling All Angels – Train I’m not really sure how this one didn’t make the top 25 because there is some serious hate going on with this song. Drops of Jupiter la la la that was a nice song until they MURDERED it by playing it 486 times a day. So, OK, maybe their second song will be a little more upbeat. Hardly. What is this? Oh the world is in such disrepair all we need are all the angels to come down and fix what us mean nasty humans have broken. BooEffingHoo. Shut up, you aren’t even cute enough to hold my attention for more than one cheesy sappy song.

Inspiration – “Chicago” That is in big fat quotes for a reason. Chicago USED to be cool! They used to put together these rad pieces with a ton of horn work and interesting beats and fun lyrics (although I still haven’t figured out what 25 or 6 to 4 is supposed to mean). And then what happened?? I’ll tell you what happened: Peter Cetera happened. Cheeseball. Have you seen the video for this song? It’s like Pete is happy to be singing and the rest of the band is lying about the guest house thinking “Oh crap, what the hell have we done?” and reading newspapers. No really. The band is reading newspapers they’re so bored.

OK, that's all the songs that I hate that I could think of for now. Please feel free to comment your least favorite song. If ANYONE even thinks about being a smartass and posting anything about Pat Benatar, you're dead meat I know where you live and I know people with aluminum bats.

The End.

Oh, and PSYCHE!

Fine. Here. Have some female homoeroticism.

Margo said I had to!!!

Margo writes in:

ok...good job Di..you make me proud..but lemme just say..Why'd he have to have a
shirt on??lol

Well, Margo. That is a fine question. So here you go:



Speedo!



And being adorably goofy:



Once again, God Bless Australia. Amen.

Look what I can do!!

I can post the pretty!



God bless Australia. Truly.

Damn you, Men at Work!

Why do you WAIT until I'm having issues with Captain Kangaroo to come on my radio constantly??? I mean, I love your song, but come on! This is clearly the universe working against me. It came on Saturday just after the stupidest text message exchange ever, too. There is no escape.

Sweet! Eye of the Tiger!

Hm, maybe the universe IS trying to tell me something...Maybe the 80's lunch hour is the Universe's way of telling me how to deal with my life. Hey, if Brandon from the Amazing Race can pray to win a race, I can take life advice from my radio, OK?

Let's see the next song...I don't really know the title or who it's by, but the words go something like "And do you feel scared? I do." Then a lot of whoa whoa whooooooas. Then something about things will always get better. That's nice. Duly noted.

And now Fast Car by that lady with the funny hair. "My, myself, I got nothing to prove." Preach on, sistah. Except for the improper grammar. Ick. But this song is about making things better for yourself, so I can get on board with that.

Hm, Johnny Hates Jazz and Shattered Dreams? Well, no. I think I'm getting off the "radio advice" train now. I mean, I like(d) the boy, but it wasn't quite that intense.

Puttin on the Ritz! So, the radio is telling me to get all "dressed up like a million dollar trooper" and go put on the ritz? Hm, will a Texas Rangers game do? Maybe it's just trying to tell me to have a taco. Yeah, that would help and is probably much more likely to happen than anything involving Park Avenue. (If you love me and/or tacos, you will go back to that taco link and check it out. Not for anyone who has ever considered a PETA membership.)

Oh dude, no way. Tina Turner. What's Love Got to Do With It!? The radio IS trying to tell me something! (Must go back and try to harvest meaning from the Johnny Hates Jazz song). Nothing, Tina! Love has nothing to do with it. I mean, I'd be sad if he left my life permanently, but I'm not in love with him (nor was I ever) as he insists. Seriously.

Next, Flock of Seagulls, the song that is not Iran. Dry your eyes? Is that what he's saying? Get the hell over it? OK.

"I just wanna use your love tonight." Yeah, no kidding. Except this is a song about a guy who has a girlfriend who is on "a vacation far away" and wants some lameass...well....ass. Jerkface. I've realized that there are two categories of songs that just grate on my last nerve, no matter how awesome the synthesizer riff: songs with blatant, sorry grammar and songs about cheating. And that is a LOT of music, just FYI.

BILLIE JEAN!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!! The Radio Universe is just playing this to make me happy. No hidden motives or meanings. They did this just to put me in a good mood after pouting about Captain Kangaroo for 4 days. Oh man, that totally did the trick. I dare you to find a better Michael Jackson song. I DARE YOU!

And they wrap up with Rick Springfield. Affair of the heart? No. Out of control and I hand you the keys? Yes. Teehee. Don't try to tell me it's all physical. Damn. Maybe it IS an affair of the heart, Rick.

You know how on Joan of Arcadia, God keeps talking to her through other people? Man, I'm totally getting that vibe from my radio except instead of like, God telling me to do good stuff for my fellow man, it's just the radio telling me to get the hell over Captain Kangaroo. Message received. Roger that. Over and out.

I'm going to go build my tin foil hat now.

Inconsequential Hormones

OK, here's the scoop from the weekend. Friday night, Captain Kangaroo actually approached me and went straight into the heavy subjects. He basically got right in my face with a little "Hi" so I couldn't exactly flip my hair and turn around and get out of it. So I gave him a meek little Hi and looked at him like...uh, dude, what do you want.

He immediately launched into reminding me of that conversation we had on his balcony until 4:30 am on his birthday. I told him I actually think about it all the time. It was kind of the point where I thought we had taken a turn and become actual friends instead of extracurricular-activities-buddies IYKWIM. But it was also this conversation where he told me that he had deleted me out of his phone as to eliminate any drunken temptation. I explained that I understood, but since I knew he didn't want to um, take that path any more that it was safe to add me back in, but if that's what he wanted, I was not offended. He said he wanted to get away from post-bar sex. He said, "You're better than that. You know you are. I know you are. You deserve better." It was very sweet.

So then he reminds me that I said during that conversation that he wasn't an asshole. I never said he was (although plenty of others have made up for that), but anyway. He then goes into "This is nothing personal. This is about me trying to be a better person. I don't want to not be your friend. I don't hate you." At this point, I cut him off to remind him that he DID INDEED say we were not friends. He said he was drunk and "being a dick." Not exactly an apology, but from him, it's monumental to admit to wrongdoing. The entire conversation was highly uncharacteristic, in fact. He is more the type to let the situation neutralize before trying to get back to normal. I was extremely surprised that he approached me first. Anyway! So at this point, he's talking, I'm trying to respond to what he's saying, but I'm getting this sneaking suspicion we are being eavesdropped on which makes me frustrated because I cannot say what I need to say. So out of frustration, I put my hand to my face and rubbed right under my right eye. He took this as a tear and gave me a hug and said, "This is not about you. I think you're great. You're a beautiful person." He said some other nice stuff after that, but I kind of zoned after the "beautiful" part. All I could think was, "well, geez, thanks for the glowing reviews, but it hasn't exactly gotten me anywhere, now has it?" Does that make me ungrateful? I tried to tell him that other things needed to be said in a more private environment, but he got pulled away by a friend. So that was the end of that.

Then on Saturday, he was there, but he didn't even acknowledge me. I guess I was stupid for thinking that after our little talk, we were back on friendly ground. I was still wounded, but a little positive attention could cure that easily. So I text message him after he leaves. "Could at least say hi." And he writes back, "You're missing the point!" Say what??? This is where I go from wounded to utterly confused. I said, "I don't understand." He writes back, "You are a WOMAN!" Um, OK, I thought we had both figured that out by this point, so I send back "So?" And he sends back "Over and DONE!" What's over and done? This conversation? Our friendship? I don't understand. I wrote him back another "I'm sorry. I don't understand." and never got a response.

So if any of you can make sense of all of this, please fill me in. I am seriously confused. I'm also wanting to get my super-cute denim jacket back that I left at his place like, six months ago. He's always said "You know where I live" when I ask about it, but I'm not the type to show up unannounced. So I would have to call and actually talk to him, but I feel like I should just leave him alone for a while. Maybe we'll see what happens next weekend. See how things go. Then again, I'm considering just laying off that whole place for a while. Every time I've said that before, it was a total bust, but I'm seriously beat down by this whole thing. It's flowing over into other aspects. Brad says I'm being bitchy, but in reality I'm just being quiet. When I feel like I can do no right by someone, I just clam up. If I can't do anything right, I just won't do anything at all. So Brad says I'm ignoring him. So he then proceeds to annoy the crap out of me to get some attention. After getting poked in the ribs for the 43rd time after asking him not to do it 42 times, yeah, I'm going to blow up at him. Don't get mad at ME for yelling at you after I have asked you to stop repeatedly. GEESH! And THEN he goes into this speech about if he's mad at someone, he's mad at that person and he doesn't take it out on everybody else. I'm like, dude, I'm not mad at you now but if you keep up this BS, I'm going to be. And then he commits the undeniably crass crime of asking me if I'm "ragging." Now, if my hormones were the issue here, I would be the first to admit it. But just FYI, that's not the thing to ask a woman who is even slightly angry at any time of the month. That's like saying, "You have no basis for your feelings. You must be having hormone problems because your problem is too insignificant for you to be upset about that." Ugh. Next time just say "There is no reason to feel the way you do, you irrational, stupid beast." Just because you don't understand does not mean that my feelings are not justified. I totally wanted to punch him in the head. And yes, I have issues if you're wondering and I've reluctantly earned every single one of them. If there are any men reading this, please email me or comment to remind me that you're not all a bunch of asshats. Thank you.

Luckily, I have another Aussie to keep me busy in these difficult times. Even his shadow is sexy. It's just not fair to all the other humans to hog all the pretty. Hot damn.

Oh. My. Ian.

From this day forth (or at least until the Olympics are over), I am replacing "omg" with "OMI" because damn, Ian Thorpe is a god.

Seriously. Oh how I envy the black paint smearer. I mean, those lips. I know he is just a man, but hot damn.

OMI, I'm in the seventh grade all of a sudden. Page me and I'll pass you a note right before English, k? Sorry So Short! BFFE

I watch too much TV

I want to write a recap of The Amazing Race, but all it's going to be is "Shut up Mirna! Shut! Up!" Oh yes! An alliance led by Colin and Christie! Mirna's so incensed about people RACING! It's A RACE! Shut up with your fake accents! Violent? Maniacs? Geez and now they're getting on the plane before anyone else, which means that someone less deserving will probably be Philiminated. Oh ha ha on you Mirna! Everyone's on the same plane! Your fake accents will not get you any further! Shut UP! I hate to admit this, but Colin and Christie are starting to grow on me. They play really well, but Chip and Kim are sentimental favorites. They RULE. They're just so....NICE! And LIKEABLE! And...COOL! Like I really want to have a beer with them.

Just a little something I'd like to say to Brandon: God does not care if you win some stupid race on TV. He's got all those diseases and suffering and atrocities to deal with. I know that you've been taught that God truly cares about all of your little quandries. But a race? On TV? That's like asking God to help me pick out the right toenail polish. Or, if it be Your will, let me get a recording contract. Or, Dear God: May I please have a boyfriend now? So trivial. How about if you make the trivial things happen yourself and ask God for the big stuff? Like a haircut. At least he's sweet and respectful to his girlfriend (Brandon. Not....God). Just cut out all the "baby" stuff. Sheesh.

Colin and Christie are getting intense over an ostritch egg. Haaaahahaha. Geez, one ostrich egg is equal to 2 dozen regular chicken eggs. I can barely eat a 3 egg omelet, I can understand why Colin is "being a baby." But the people I really feel sorry for are the other people trying to complete this task with Colin and his spew bucket at the same table. Colin has a sensitive gag reflex and I'm a sympathetic puker. We'd never make it. And kudos to Chip for being the "Michael Jordan" of eggs as well as caviar.

OK, I'm so not recapping this episode. Can you tell? I can tell because I didn't give away who got Philiminated. Neener neener. Sort of.

Nine Whole Days!

It has been nine days since my last post! I've got so many pent up issues!!

Dudes, I don't want to make anyone think that I'm setting a pattern here, but Ian Thorpe, the Aussie swimmer, is hot. Like, really hot.

Speaking of other Aussies, two things concerning TOFDU. One, I have officially ignored him for three weeks straight. I almost buckled Friday night because my friend Lynda who likes to buy shots for me was very busy buying shots for me. I only had 3 (one involving Red Bull...shudder), but that was enough to put me into "I love everyone" mode and to make me all soft-hearted. But alas, I believe he tried to talk to me and I turned away. I thought I heard a faint "Oooooh kay" in the background. If he said that, then he was trying to talk to me. If it was my imagination, then he was merely lost and not trying to talk to me. I did leave a jacket at his apartment like, 500 years ago, so I'm going to have to retrieve that at some point. Maybe this weekend. Eh. Two, I would like to change his name from TOFDU to Captain Kangaroo.

So as you may have noticed, I am totally watching the Olympics. I thought all the human interest stories would have gotten on my ever lovin nerves, but I find myself actually liking them. I am, after all, a chick. The story on Mohini on the women's gymnastics team had me so freakin proud of her, I was almost in tears. I'm also super-proud of Carly Patterson since she's the hometown girl. So the human interest stories aren't getting on my nerves. Know what's driving me batty? The "ads" that appear in the lower right or left hand corner of the screen. The little Olympics logo in the corner is fine. But it seems like all of the networks are going to these super-annoying pop-up ads that are animated and very distracting (I know I know, that's the whole point), but it gets in the way of what we're WATCHING! It's just so rude. A little pop up in the corner, you know, whatever, but when it takes up almost a quarter of the screen? Rude! Oh, and post-race/game/whatever interviews are stupid. "What were you thinking?" Well, duh, I was thinking about how to win. Shut up, interviewer person. Oh, and you know what else sucks? Websites that post the results on the front farkin page before the event airs in prime time. I mean, I can understand putting it on, oh say, the OLYMPICS portion of your sports coverage. That way it can easily be avoided. But man, you can't miss it when it's on the front page. Maybe I should just stay away from the internet. Yeah right.

Yay! Happy singing black woman giving out Coca-Colas on the street is back! I haven't seen her since American Idol! I just love that commercial.

Hm, what else? Remember how I love the letter Z? Well, ever since this whole monogram "fad" or whatever has started, I could never find anything with a Z on it. I wonder why? So I promised myself that the first time I found some merchant cool and brave enough to try to sell a monogrammed Z anything, that I would swiftly patronize that merchant. That time was last Saturday. I walked into the mall to go to the Cowboys Pro Shop to get myself a new Cowboys sticker for my car, and bam! right in front of me! One of those little purse kiosks right next to the little cell phone kiosks with a beautiful, medium-sized, black purse with a big fat pink Z on it! As Gabi pointed out.....I do not have a Z anywhere in my name. Why can't I have a favorite letter that's not in my name? That limits me to....hang on, gotta count.....9 letters! Out of 26? That's.....let me get my calculator.....17 letters left out in the cold! Anyway. Like I needed a new purse.

Hm, let's see....TOIL update....Last I heard, his ex, whatsherface, was trying to get back with him. Whatever. You snooze you loose, beeyatch. But he's not going back to her because he's "getting close to" one of the cute little waitresses that works at the bar. As much as she is not me, this is my favorite "interest" of his so far. Not that it really matters what the hell I think, but it takes the sting out of being completely invisible (cue Clay Aiken) when the boy you adore at least likes someone who is sweet and cute.

Hm, look at these yummy boy gymnasts. Hello, ring-boy. Oh, you are only 5'3" and from Oklahoma. Who names their kid Guard, anyway? Someone from Oklahoma. That's who.

Let's see, what else. I went home because my brother was in town and I wanted him to be able to give Gabi her birthday presents himself. It's also good because I can give him the dirty look he so deserves every time he gets her a present with many many small parts. Every. Time. Anyway, he is moving from Rhode Island to San Diego and he's driving the whole way. What a nutjob. Then, after he takes some classes in San Diego, he's moving to Hawaii. Again. Poor guy.

Oh, and how could I not mention Last Comic Standing???? My boy John Heffron took the whole thing!!! Did I not call it??? I think I called it, yo. I called it so much, it hurts. I can't wait until Last Comic Standing 3 (which should really be LCS 2.5). I get more John! Wheeeeeeeeee!

Oh, and one more thing. I thought it was totally adorable the way my guy friends tried to EXPLAIN to me the Five Things I Do Not Understand About Men. My favorite response was from Mark, of course:

1 - It's more fun to watch a sport if you get to root for a player because
every yard he rushes you get a magical point.
2 - Because there are wrecks. Also it's not as brainless as 400 left turns - there's game theory involved (see http://www.firstmonday.dk/issues/issue5_2/ronfeldt/) and game theory is fucking sexy. That being said I do not watch NASCAR.
3 - Everything girls do is arousing. It's the way our bodies are wired.
4 - That might be a texas man thing. Only 15% of my friends are that lame.
5 - Catholic school girls are sexy because those outfits are sexy. It's the socks and skirts, not the
age.
Glad to be of service.

Dude. The whole asking me to make out with other girls thing is so not a Texas thing. Although, I can only hope that your friends are on the cutting edge of cool and that the whole "expecting me to be a lesbian" thing fades away like the Macarena. Both are the same level of lame. That being said, I do not understand these things. Thank you all for trying to explain them, but the fact remains: I do not understand calculus and I do not understand those things about men. Some things just weren't meant to be. It's OK. I'm fine with it. Really.

I just got bit by not one, but two ants. I must be tasty. That being said, I need some ice. Eeps!

Thursday's LCS Rambling

For some reason, I cannot log into blogger so I have to take my chances in Word and hope I don’t crash my machine. It auto-recovers and all that jazz, but I don’t need this stress on top of the stress that Last Comic Standing is currently producing. It’s only a half hour show which makes me a little sad, but since the other half hour is Scrubs, it’s OK. If I were scheduling, though, it’d be LCS from 7-8 and Scrubs from 8-9 and CSI from 9-10. I can change channels!

OK, so here goes. They’re going to toy with us by splitting up the final six into groups of two. One person stays, one goes. Apparently, they’re announcing a group of two, let them perform, then eliminate one? How are we gonna squish that into 23 minutes?

Gary and Tammy….I pick Tammy to get eliminated.

OMG THE STAPLES COMMERCIAL WITH ALICE COOPER IS HILARIOUS!!!

Wheeee!! Two hour special next week! Mm Gary looks hot in that red t-shirt. How easily I am amused. Way to invent the sticker! Ha! I love that guy. He seems kind of bored. I guess it’s because he’s not really competing. He still has a really good stage presence. Really good at talking to the audience. Tammy’s pretty funny but if I have to pick between her and Gary….Well. I don’t know how I feel about this mid-show eliminating.

Hm, it’s already 8:18 and we’re only through one set? Maybe the TV listings were bogus. I better not have missed Scrubs, dammit. OK, tvguide.com says one hour LCS and no Scrubs. Yahoo TV listings officially suck, but I guess I’m quasi-glad they’re wrong. Now, if they’d give us 2 eps of Scrubs instead of another uber-depressing, tired ER, I’d be happy.

COMICS OF SEASON ONE VS. COMICS OF SEASON TWO??? Sounds like someone’s lazy, but I LOVED SEASON ONE! YAY!

OK, back from commercial. I can’t watch. Dramatic music, please. YAY GARY!!! I’m one for one.

OK, John’s in the second group. NO NOT KATHLEEN! I love them BOTH! They’re BOTH supposed to go to the finals!!! Stupid commercials how many are we gonna take??? I hope my completely inappropriate crush is not unique to me and other obsessive women voted for him. Not to mention the guys who can relate to the Playstation and Christmas wrapping paper tubes things. This is too much for me! I have never wished Kathleen ill, but I really hope she chokes. I swear, he has me rolling every time. Tears. Tears! Shut up Rie Heffron. YAAAAAAAAAAAAY I’M TWO FOR TWO! All I care is that John is staying. I love him! Uh oh. Gabi just shut her door on me. Maybe I should keep it down. I’ll miss Kathleen, but I think she’ll go far regardless of “losing” this show. She’s the only one out of the final 10 that’d I’d ever heard of before the show.

Hm, Jay and Alonzo. I can honestly say that I just don’t care, but I pick Jay because Jessica said he’s nice. But Alonzo is actually pretty funny and he seems ambitious, too. What does it matter? John’s going to win next week anyway. I played my Kiss records too much on my stereo and now it has mono. HA! OK, I liked that one. Is Alonzo wearing a pink t-shirt? Now I really want Jay to win so that Alonzo is not tempted to stand next to Gary. Oh yes, I love the NASCAR jokes!!!

I never understood why people liked NASCAR until I talked to the fans.
Then I realized that they are the kind of people who would amused watching a
shiny car go in circles for hours. I can talk bad about NASCAR fans.
If they chase me, I’ll just turn right.

He is making me laugh way more than Jay did. Sorry, Jessica. Now after that ridiculous commercial break, we are here for the moment of troof. HOLY CRAP I’M THREE FOR THREE!!! If you guys had not noticed yet, I freakin rule. Oh my, Alonzo’s dad wiped a tear. That almost made me make a tear. Tuesday. 7 pm CDT. Two hours!! That totally rules. I hope it’s 116 minutes of John Heffron, then 4 minutes to tell us he won and release balloons and confetti and maybe some pyrotechnics.

Stuff that I think about at work when I break stuff and can't find anything to do

Reader mail ROCKS! southerngirl1 writes (you know, she's really kicking the rest of yous guyses asses in the commenting department. I'm just sayin):

I figured I'd see a post regarding LCS. Or are you too
upset to deal with the fact that they showed John Heffron's wife after his set
last night?

Did you SEE that tramp? "Oh I'm so pretty and blonde and married to the cutest funniest guy ever." Shut up. And her name is Rie. Pfft. (Me? Jealous? Totally.) I had a momentary high when I realized he wasn't wearing the ring. And then, sadly, they show her. SIGH! I was so close to making him mine. At least he's not married to some ugly chick. I guess it's time for a new object of obsession....er....affection. But still, John makes me laugh more than any of them so I'll vote for him relentlessly as long as I can. OMG the stories about the girls in the bar being like the Marines....it's so hilarious because it is SO TRUE!

On a totally unrelated note, GET THIS! I've been having too many WTF moments lately. Where's Gilbert Gottfried to punctuate my every WTF moment? Anyway, I totally did not see this one coming. I was just trolling around the Yahoo! front page because I have somehow broken my map. (I totally know: How do you break a map? Seriously, if anyone could do it, it'd be me. And it was. Still waiting for my map to be fixed, hence the mid-day blog.) And there at the bottom of the little "In the News" square, I spy "Dallas Cowboys." OK, that's cool, maybe it's a story about Bill Parcells getting tackled during practice (which, as much as I love the Tuna, I find highly amusing). But there it was: Dallas Cowboys release Quincy Carter. I totally did not see that one coming. Maybe some Quincy-haters will say they did, but they really didn't. The guy started ALL 16 GAMES last season! But then again, that was before the acquisition of Vinny Testaverde. But come on! Quincy just needed time to bloom! He's not going to be "the next Troy Aikman" in his first 2 years.

Oh what do I care. As long as we WIN I'm happy. And as long as we also dismissed the evil and creepy Chad Hutchison, I guess I can deal. Maybe that's why I liked Q so much. At the beginning of last season, they were basically pitted against each other for the starting job. We all picked our favorite and Q got the job, of course so we all stood behind him. It was a tempestuous love affair we had with you, Q. And far too short in my never humble opinion. May you find a new home and win a Super Bowl. After the Cowboys win their next 3 (*coughinarowcough*), of course.

We play the Ew-stun Texans August 14th at 7:00 pm. I know I'm supposed to love all Texas teams, but I hate the Spurs and the Aggies and I can hate the Texans, too. Ha!

You know what a gross term is? Raw sewage. Ew.

What is the deal with all the small plane crashes? First, one in Missouri killed 5 (all from the Dallas area) on Monday. Then, 6 died on Tuesday when a plane crashed into a home in Lakeway, TX near Austin. And this morning, three people died just outside of Olney, TX (south of Wichita Falls). And news just came out that another plane crashed this morning near Mineral Wells, TX, killing 2. Is this something that happens all the time, but the media is making a big deal out of it? You know, like the shark attacks of Summer 2001? Remember that? It seemed like every day, there was another shark attack and it just seemed like all of a sudden, the sharks were hungry for some homo sapien blood. Like they were so angry that humans were swimming in "their" waters (just like they had done countless summers before, no doubt) and the sharks were getting REVENGE, DAMMIT! But then it turned out that the number of shark attacks on humans was actually LOWER than the average. But it doesn't seem like the media is making any bigger deal over plane crashes than it usually does. I feel like they always treat them as strange and scary, and hopefully rare, occurrences. But don't you think it's odd? Four crashes in 3 days? And even if you don't count the one in Missouri, that's 3 crashes in 3 days in Texas. I'm not postulating any theories (write it on your calendars), I just think it's WEIRD!

And what is with this whole Kobe Bryant thing? I am NOT a Kobe sympathizer mainly because I hate all California teams, especially the Lakers and I hate cheaters. But the prosecution is freaking out about the three times that the woman's name was leaked. While I will agree that it is unfortunate that her name was leaked, is it fair to be incensed that her name was leaked while in the meantime, his name is plastered all over everything to do with this case? He hasn't even gone to trial yet much less been convicted. Why was his name released and not hers? She's the victim, right? If she's telling the truth (and I'm not saying that she's lying), and if she is truly a victim, her identity should be kept quiet. But on the other hand, he has not been convicted. Assuming he's innocent, being accused is bad enough. I know he's famous and he chose this life in the public eye, but the police department, DA's office and media totally blew it on this one. If he is indeed guilty, he will pay the price one way or another.

Oh. Mah. Gawd. I am so bored! I've resorted to talking about Kobe.

Five Things I Don't Understand About Men

1. Fantasy baseball, football, or whatever sport you decide to fantasize about.
2. NASCAR (I know some women also enjoy this, but that doesn't mean I understand it).
3. Finding girl-fights arousing.
4. Expecting every girl to like making out with other girls. I don't ask you to make out with YOUR friends.
5. Finding the Catholic School-girl thing arousing. Just a tinge of pedophilia, hm?

Ten Things I've Learned This Weekend

1. Wal-Mart + Saturday afternoon = Suck
2. People will actually make out in the shampoo aisle right in front of me.
3. Cinnamon Altoids ROCK! Seriously.
4. I have a new friend.
5. His name is Patrick.
6. He thinks I'm a nutcase.
7. He does not understand the beauty of the llama.
8. It inexplicably takes two hours to drive from Lewisville to North Richland Hills and back to Lewisville while driving 80 miles per hour the whole way, even though it's "only" a 50 mile round trip.
9. If you ask me for directions to a restaurant, I will be compelled to give you a main route, two alternate routes, reasons you may want to take the alternate routes, and my full assessment of the restaurant including the thickness of the chips and the zestiness of the salsa. Hey, you asked for it. You knew what you were getting into.
10. I can ignore you no matter how hot and Australian you are.