25 Worst Songs of the Past 25 Years
Hey, remember when Blender came out with their worst songs ever list like, 3 years ago? Yeah, and remember when I said I'd make my own list? Well, it's finally finished!!! Actually, I was perusing my local drive at work and I stumbled upon it. I don't know how long ago I wrote it, but I had to add on the dishonorable mentions, so sorry if they're not as funny or not in the same vein as the original 25. And hey guys, aren't you relieved there's no Ian Thorpe in this post?
25 Worst of the Past 25
I'm not sure I can ever put these in any sort of order. When you're bad, you're just plain bad.
Breaking the Girl - Red Hot Chili Peppers You know, I've often said that I like the old Chili Peppers, and hate the new stuff. I really think this song is the dividing line between "cool" and "suck." What's this song about? I have an idea, but I try not to think about it. What meter is that? Did everyone just pick one out of a hat and just go with it? Was Anthony Kiedis completely stoned when he recorded this song? Probably. Most of their latter songs just sound like they were all jamming in the garage one day and someone hit "record" and then made copies and sold them out of Flea's trunk. This song just happens to be the worst.
Cat's in the Cradle - Ugly Kid Joe I feel like I should really keep it to one song per artist, so it was a toss-up between this one and "I Hate Everything About You." At least that one’s kind of funny in an absurd way. Cat's in the Cradle edged out and won because of the sheer level of "annoy" I feel every time I'm subjected to this song. I feel for the kid and the clueless parent in this song. It truly is a sad lesson to learn. But does it have to be such a boring, long, repetitive lesson?
Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla Is there some symbolism that I'm missing? Are the cars sad? If so, why do they need to be counted? As far as I can see, this song is about ambling about aimlessly talking about philosophy and other things nobody ever gets anywhere discussing whilst counting the occasional blue car. Boring. Lame. Snooze.
Dirty Diana - Michael Jackson OK, I know what you're thinking. I hate this song because of personal reasons, which is mostly true. I do not like being referred to as unclean, much less a prostitute, which is what this song is about. A whore. And people have thought that they were clever and funny for singing it at me since about the fifth grade and most of them didn't even know the song was about a hooker. All of that aside, it's MJ's worst song. Ever. Seriously. Even worse than Scream.
Everybody (Backstreet's Back) - Backstreet Boys Any boy band who has to write a song about how rad they are, well they're just....not rad. This was clearly a money-making, piece of crap song put on the air waves so that teenage girls can swoon and buy buttons and get over it in a couple of years (see NKOTB entry for more).
Everything I Do....I Do It For You - Bryan Adams Dude! What happened to kicking ass? And running to me??? In the Summer of '69??? What happened to you? I remember clearly this movie coming out and crying when Kevin Costner rescued the lady with the curly head and finding this song so appropriate and sweet and awww someday my prince will rescue me too! PUKE! I hate slow sappy songs and this one is Vermont-fresh, ready for bottling. I mean, I can get on the bandwagon if there is some great vocal performance involved, but....no.
Follow Me - Uncle Kracker I think what most people don't realize about this song (which is obvious as soon as you listen to more lyrics than just the chorus) is that it is about a man trying to lure a married woman into an affair. As we all know, I hate cheaters. Super big time. Add on top of that, barely passable vocals and a score easy enough for the 7th grade beginner band and we have a real stinker on our hands. Ew.
Hangin Tough - NKOTB This song came out when I was in junior high. I loved it. I loved them. Donnie was so dreamy (and now I love(d) him on Boomtown). then I remember one day, my best friend came to me and informed me that her older brother knew something that we didn't know. NKOTB SUCKED! Gasp! You can't be serious? Yes! They're lame! They have no souls! It was all a shock and they just faded away until a few weeks ago. The drive-time dj sometimes takes whacky requests on Friday afternoons to put everyone in a good mood for the weekend (which I think all stations should do, but that's just me. Nothing kills a good Friday afternoon buzz like some crappy Train Song. Ooh, more on that later). But anyway, they played this song and I couldn't stop laughing because it was so bad. The part where they say "We're rrrrrough!" Yeah, nothing says "tough guy" like singing in a boy band. Just because it worked for the Sharks does NOT mean it will work for you.
Hero - Enrique Iglesias This is another instance of just having to pick one song from a terrible "artist." I once heard a direct feed from this guy's microphone from one of his concerts. I've heard drunken old men sing Margaritaville in karaoke sound better than this guy singing his own song at his own concert. Regardless of that little tidbit, the vocals on this song are so pathetic as are the lyrics. Would you dance? If I asked you to dance? HUH? And don't even get me started on the video.
Hero - Chad Kroeger Please note: two songs, same title, different suckage. But suckage all the same. It's doofs like these two who are contributing to the watered-down meaning of the word "hero" lately. Chad Kroeger, in my opinion, tries way too hard to have a "rocker" voice. He has a decent amount of talent and range, I give him that much. But he just seems so....manufactured. And usually, I'm the person not caring how manufactured or corporate something is, because as long as we're buying it, we must like it. Right? Sort of. This song makes me re-think that a lot.
I Do (Cherish You) - 98 Degrees That's body temperature, baby! HOT! While I will admit that Nick Lachey is hot and has a relatively decent level of vocal ability, this song is about as generic as you get. Step out on a limb here, people! I think I wanted this song in here because I needed one song to represent all of the sappy, lame love songs out there. Write about something else occasionally! People do other things than just go around falling in love all the time! Let's have a mainstream song about hockey! Or bears (which really does exist, by a guy named Sergio who is from Israel, not even to mention the Super Bowl Shuffle) or SOMETHING! Sheesh. Maps, pens, paper, clocks! OK, now I'm just naming stuff on my desk. Moving on....
I'd Do Anything For Love - Meat Loaf First of all, I hate meat loaf. Not the person, the food. Sorry, I know it's some sort of un-American thing to do, but I just can't stand it. The mere image of a loaf of meat telling me he won't do "that" kind of makes me want to hurl. Now Meat...er....Mr. Loaf?....anyway, he doesn't have the worst voice ever. If I heard him in a karaoke bar, I'd be all, "Thanks for not making my ears bleed, man." But if he was singing this song, I'd throw my beer at him for making me sit through a song that basically contradicts itself for 4 hours.
Invisible - Clay Aiken Speaking of contradicting yourself....our sweet little Clay. How doth thou maketh my list? I won't lie. I like Clay. I'm not a Clayniac or anything, but I do like his voice. It tends to give me chills. I can't watch him sing, though. He makes these faces like he's sexy and he's just....not. I just want him to be dorky and not know what to do with his hands. Back to the song. If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room (perv!). If I was invisible. I'd make you mine tonight (stalker!). If I was invisible. Then I could just tell you where I stand (behind a restraining order). If I was invisible. Wait. I already am. THEN WHY ARE YOU SINGING THIS RIDICULOUS SONG?? I realize Clay did not write this song. Some lame schlep wrote this song drunk after a random girl at a bar said she wouldn't dance with him.
Ironic - Alannis Morissette Isn't it ironic that a song titled "Ironic" isn't even about irony? Actually, no, it's not. It's just unfortunate. Which is what the name of this song should've been called in the first place. Definition of ironic from http://www.dictionary.com: characterized by often poignant difference or incongruity between what is expected and what actually is. Let's see....rain on your wedding day....unexpected, true, but most weather is. The weather doesn't care if it's your wedding day! Also, rain on your wedding day is considered good luck in most cultures. It represents fertility, not feeling all mopey. OK, next....a free ride when you already paid...see, that's just unfortunate. And what kind of jerk takes your money if it's a free ride? Good advice that you just didn't take....well how were you supposed to know? If it's your mother, you should've known. The key word in that definition is "poignant." There has to be some meaning to the unexpected outcome. The black fly in your chardonnay....fish that baby out and drink up! Quit complaining!
It Wasn't Me - Shaggy Ugh. This song disgusts me. It disgusts me to even think about it long enough to write about it. You are a dirty, lying, cheating bastard who even lies after he's been caught. This is funny to you? Then reciting all the places you were low-life cheater like it's some sort of bragfest. So the lyrics infuriate me. The "music" is repetitive and droll. Hate!
Let Her Cry - Hootie & the Blowfish First of all, let me just state that my universe is a Hootie-free zone. I applaud the way they paved the way for all feel-good happy fun time college garage bands. But they're supposed to be happy. What is this song??? Depressing and boring. Even Darius Rucker sounds like he's about to fall asleep halfway through. It's basically about someone having a bad day. Go have some ice cream and shut up already.
Long December - Counting Crows After some brief consciousness after adding Hootie to my list, we come to this song. The only thing that keeps me awake during this song is that guy's grating vocals.
Mesmerize - Ja Rule/Ashanti OK, first of all, why is Ashanti even listed in the credits? All she says is "love it when you look at me baby." I guess better she sing it than him. Rappers just shouldn't sing. If you are a rapper and you think you can sing....just....don't. And then the lyrics. UGH! All he's doing is listing her body parts. Your lips, your thighs. Your knuckles, your toes. I'm so glad we've all risen above this body-glorification thing.
Mmm Mmm Mmm - Crash Test Dummies This song just makes me laugh. It's so droll they didn't even want to think up a title with real words in it. Is it about people in unfortunate situations? Am I supposed to feel bad? The verses sound like well, me trying to write an interesting story. Once, there was this kid who....Even worse, it sounds like my 4 year old composed the the whole thing. And the chorus. What to say about the chorus. The guy hums an arpeggio twice. Then it sounds like he's supposed to sing it a third time, but he falls asleep and the guitar has to take over from there. I seriuosly hope to hear the muzak version of this in an elevator someday. It will be proof that even the muzak engineers have a sense of humor.
My Sacrifice - Creed Hey remember when Creed was cool? Yeah, me either. I do remember tolerating them before they won 5 billion Grammies in one night. Then like, 8 stations I listen to started to play them simultaneously and constantly. All of their songs sound the same, so I'm not sure how I came to hate this one the most. Maybe it's the martyrdom or the self-aggrandization of Scott Staph. Maybe it's the way he strikes that Jesus pose in the video. Or is that Arms Wide Open? Ah, who cares, they all suck.
Push - Matchbox 20 You want to push me around? Well, that's not very nice for such a soft-spoken gentleman like you, Rob Thomas. Oooh he says he will. Twice! Look out. No really, Rob is a great guy. I like listening to him give radio interviews. I really do like him as a person. I hate his band. Wah wah wah boohoo my life is so sad and no one understands me. Cheer the hell up, would you!?? I make no secret of my general disdain for slow songs, and this one is no exception. The lyrics are lame, the music isn't even in a minor key and it's so simplistic. I could figure this song out on the piano in about 30 seconds.
Right Thurr - Chingy I like the way you do it. Right thurr. Yes, right thurr. I think I know what this song is about, but honestly, I can't fathom listening to it all the way through to figure it out.
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy - Kenny Chesney No. She doesn't. Seriously. No woman has ever thought a John Deere or Kubota was sexy. Not only is the entire premise of this song retarded, it also represents something I don't like about country music. It's almost like they're trying to take the redneck thing and bring it out into the open and brag about it. So they write these ridiculous songs. And when I'm trying to convince a country-music-hater that no really, there are good country songs, it never fails that some piece of redneck, moonshine-swillin, tractor-lovin, barmaid-huggin, lameass song like this comes on. Then I turn to that country-music hater and say "Yeah, you were right."
So Far Away - Staind I wish you were so far away Mr. Whineybutt. I swear all this band puts out is a bunch of boohoo, my life is so misunderstood even by me crap that I can't honestly see why anyone likes them. I've heard that their CD is nothing like the stuff they play on the radio. Isn't that counterproductive? Isn't the radio basically your biggest commercial for your music? I understand the heartfelt sentiment of this song (he's whining about his successful music career and how it takes him away from his family), but does he have to whine the whole song?
When It's Over - Sugar Ray Possibly the worst song by the worst band ever to make it "big." Even Mark McGrath said that they put Sugar Ray together to have a one-hit-wonder (with I Just Want to Fly) and just live off the fat for the rest of their lives. Why can't we just let them live their dream?
Dishonorable Mentions: I know what you’re thinking. Possibly. Why bother with dishonorable mentions when I didn’t even rank the others? I mean, why not just make it the worst 29? Because, my friend, 29 just isn’t a round number, so deal.
Two Princes – Spin Doctors Mind-numbing background music, if that. Now, there are plenty of songs that are background music at best, what makes this one so special? The stupid lyrics. One has. Diamonds in his pockets. Now how 'bout that, now. I can't even stand to think about the next line I'm so annoyed. Gah. The only reason it didn’t make the “real” list is the redeeming Sesame Street factor. That’s right, I actually saw an episode of Sesame Street (I watched well into college) where the Spin Doctors came on and helped Prairie Dawn decide who she should play with. The logical conclusion: can’t we all just play together? If only all of our problems could be solved with crappy pop songs. Never mind.
One Headlight – Wallflowers I hate the creepy sound effect whatever it is that keeps popping up and just what the hell is this song about? Read the lyrics. Something about a funeral and Cinderella and a parade and one headlight? Huh? Whatever, Wallflowers. Just….whatever. Maybe I’m missing something horribly deep, but if it’s THAT tough to figure out, maybe you’re being a shade too enigmatic, hm? I think so. This song is like "Counting Blue Cars" annoying brat little brother.
Calling All Angels – Train I’m not really sure how this one didn’t make the top 25 because there is some serious hate going on with this song. Drops of Jupiter la la la that was a nice song until they MURDERED it by playing it 486 times a day. So, OK, maybe their second song will be a little more upbeat. Hardly. What is this? Oh the world is in such disrepair all we need are all the angels to come down and fix what us mean nasty humans have broken. BooEffingHoo. Shut up, you aren’t even cute enough to hold my attention for more than one cheesy sappy song.
Inspiration – “Chicago” That is in big fat quotes for a reason. Chicago USED to be cool! They used to put together these rad pieces with a ton of horn work and interesting beats and fun lyrics (although I still haven’t figured out what 25 or 6 to 4 is supposed to mean). And then what happened?? I’ll tell you what happened: Peter Cetera happened. Cheeseball. Have you seen the video for this song? It’s like Pete is happy to be singing and the rest of the band is lying about the guest house thinking “Oh crap, what the hell have we done?” and reading newspapers. No really. The band is reading newspapers they’re so bored.
I'm not sure I can ever put these in any sort of order. When you're bad, you're just plain bad.
Breaking the Girl - Red Hot Chili Peppers You know, I've often said that I like the old Chili Peppers, and hate the new stuff. I really think this song is the dividing line between "cool" and "suck." What's this song about? I have an idea, but I try not to think about it. What meter is that? Did everyone just pick one out of a hat and just go with it? Was Anthony Kiedis completely stoned when he recorded this song? Probably. Most of their latter songs just sound like they were all jamming in the garage one day and someone hit "record" and then made copies and sold them out of Flea's trunk. This song just happens to be the worst.
Cat's in the Cradle - Ugly Kid Joe I feel like I should really keep it to one song per artist, so it was a toss-up between this one and "I Hate Everything About You." At least that one’s kind of funny in an absurd way. Cat's in the Cradle edged out and won because of the sheer level of "annoy" I feel every time I'm subjected to this song. I feel for the kid and the clueless parent in this song. It truly is a sad lesson to learn. But does it have to be such a boring, long, repetitive lesson?
Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla Is there some symbolism that I'm missing? Are the cars sad? If so, why do they need to be counted? As far as I can see, this song is about ambling about aimlessly talking about philosophy and other things nobody ever gets anywhere discussing whilst counting the occasional blue car. Boring. Lame. Snooze.
Dirty Diana - Michael Jackson OK, I know what you're thinking. I hate this song because of personal reasons, which is mostly true. I do not like being referred to as unclean, much less a prostitute, which is what this song is about. A whore. And people have thought that they were clever and funny for singing it at me since about the fifth grade and most of them didn't even know the song was about a hooker. All of that aside, it's MJ's worst song. Ever. Seriously. Even worse than Scream.
Everybody (Backstreet's Back) - Backstreet Boys Any boy band who has to write a song about how rad they are, well they're just....not rad. This was clearly a money-making, piece of crap song put on the air waves so that teenage girls can swoon and buy buttons and get over it in a couple of years (see NKOTB entry for more).
Everything I Do....I Do It For You - Bryan Adams Dude! What happened to kicking ass? And running to me??? In the Summer of '69??? What happened to you? I remember clearly this movie coming out and crying when Kevin Costner rescued the lady with the curly head and finding this song so appropriate and sweet and awww someday my prince will rescue me too! PUKE! I hate slow sappy songs and this one is Vermont-fresh, ready for bottling. I mean, I can get on the bandwagon if there is some great vocal performance involved, but....no.
Follow Me - Uncle Kracker I think what most people don't realize about this song (which is obvious as soon as you listen to more lyrics than just the chorus) is that it is about a man trying to lure a married woman into an affair. As we all know, I hate cheaters. Super big time. Add on top of that, barely passable vocals and a score easy enough for the 7th grade beginner band and we have a real stinker on our hands. Ew.
Hangin Tough - NKOTB This song came out when I was in junior high. I loved it. I loved them. Donnie was so dreamy (and now I love(d) him on Boomtown). then I remember one day, my best friend came to me and informed me that her older brother knew something that we didn't know. NKOTB SUCKED! Gasp! You can't be serious? Yes! They're lame! They have no souls! It was all a shock and they just faded away until a few weeks ago. The drive-time dj sometimes takes whacky requests on Friday afternoons to put everyone in a good mood for the weekend (which I think all stations should do, but that's just me. Nothing kills a good Friday afternoon buzz like some crappy Train Song. Ooh, more on that later). But anyway, they played this song and I couldn't stop laughing because it was so bad. The part where they say "We're rrrrrough!" Yeah, nothing says "tough guy" like singing in a boy band. Just because it worked for the Sharks does NOT mean it will work for you.
Hero - Enrique Iglesias This is another instance of just having to pick one song from a terrible "artist." I once heard a direct feed from this guy's microphone from one of his concerts. I've heard drunken old men sing Margaritaville in karaoke sound better than this guy singing his own song at his own concert. Regardless of that little tidbit, the vocals on this song are so pathetic as are the lyrics. Would you dance? If I asked you to dance? HUH? And don't even get me started on the video.
Hero - Chad Kroeger Please note: two songs, same title, different suckage. But suckage all the same. It's doofs like these two who are contributing to the watered-down meaning of the word "hero" lately. Chad Kroeger, in my opinion, tries way too hard to have a "rocker" voice. He has a decent amount of talent and range, I give him that much. But he just seems so....manufactured. And usually, I'm the person not caring how manufactured or corporate something is, because as long as we're buying it, we must like it. Right? Sort of. This song makes me re-think that a lot.
I Do (Cherish You) - 98 Degrees That's body temperature, baby! HOT! While I will admit that Nick Lachey is hot and has a relatively decent level of vocal ability, this song is about as generic as you get. Step out on a limb here, people! I think I wanted this song in here because I needed one song to represent all of the sappy, lame love songs out there. Write about something else occasionally! People do other things than just go around falling in love all the time! Let's have a mainstream song about hockey! Or bears (which really does exist, by a guy named Sergio who is from Israel, not even to mention the Super Bowl Shuffle) or SOMETHING! Sheesh. Maps, pens, paper, clocks! OK, now I'm just naming stuff on my desk. Moving on....
I'd Do Anything For Love - Meat Loaf First of all, I hate meat loaf. Not the person, the food. Sorry, I know it's some sort of un-American thing to do, but I just can't stand it. The mere image of a loaf of meat telling me he won't do "that" kind of makes me want to hurl. Now Meat...er....Mr. Loaf?....anyway, he doesn't have the worst voice ever. If I heard him in a karaoke bar, I'd be all, "Thanks for not making my ears bleed, man." But if he was singing this song, I'd throw my beer at him for making me sit through a song that basically contradicts itself for 4 hours.
Invisible - Clay Aiken Speaking of contradicting yourself....our sweet little Clay. How doth thou maketh my list? I won't lie. I like Clay. I'm not a Clayniac or anything, but I do like his voice. It tends to give me chills. I can't watch him sing, though. He makes these faces like he's sexy and he's just....not. I just want him to be dorky and not know what to do with his hands. Back to the song. If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room (perv!). If I was invisible. I'd make you mine tonight (stalker!). If I was invisible. Then I could just tell you where I stand (behind a restraining order). If I was invisible. Wait. I already am. THEN WHY ARE YOU SINGING THIS RIDICULOUS SONG?? I realize Clay did not write this song. Some lame schlep wrote this song drunk after a random girl at a bar said she wouldn't dance with him.
Ironic - Alannis Morissette Isn't it ironic that a song titled "Ironic" isn't even about irony? Actually, no, it's not. It's just unfortunate. Which is what the name of this song should've been called in the first place. Definition of ironic from http://www.dictionary.com: characterized by often poignant difference or incongruity between what is expected and what actually is. Let's see....rain on your wedding day....unexpected, true, but most weather is. The weather doesn't care if it's your wedding day! Also, rain on your wedding day is considered good luck in most cultures. It represents fertility, not feeling all mopey. OK, next....a free ride when you already paid...see, that's just unfortunate. And what kind of jerk takes your money if it's a free ride? Good advice that you just didn't take....well how were you supposed to know? If it's your mother, you should've known. The key word in that definition is "poignant." There has to be some meaning to the unexpected outcome. The black fly in your chardonnay....fish that baby out and drink up! Quit complaining!
It Wasn't Me - Shaggy Ugh. This song disgusts me. It disgusts me to even think about it long enough to write about it. You are a dirty, lying, cheating bastard who even lies after he's been caught. This is funny to you? Then reciting all the places you were low-life cheater like it's some sort of bragfest. So the lyrics infuriate me. The "music" is repetitive and droll. Hate!
Let Her Cry - Hootie & the Blowfish First of all, let me just state that my universe is a Hootie-free zone. I applaud the way they paved the way for all feel-good happy fun time college garage bands. But they're supposed to be happy. What is this song??? Depressing and boring. Even Darius Rucker sounds like he's about to fall asleep halfway through. It's basically about someone having a bad day. Go have some ice cream and shut up already.
Long December - Counting Crows After some brief consciousness after adding Hootie to my list, we come to this song. The only thing that keeps me awake during this song is that guy's grating vocals.
Mesmerize - Ja Rule/Ashanti OK, first of all, why is Ashanti even listed in the credits? All she says is "love it when you look at me baby." I guess better she sing it than him. Rappers just shouldn't sing. If you are a rapper and you think you can sing....just....don't. And then the lyrics. UGH! All he's doing is listing her body parts. Your lips, your thighs. Your knuckles, your toes. I'm so glad we've all risen above this body-glorification thing.
Mmm Mmm Mmm - Crash Test Dummies This song just makes me laugh. It's so droll they didn't even want to think up a title with real words in it. Is it about people in unfortunate situations? Am I supposed to feel bad? The verses sound like well, me trying to write an interesting story. Once, there was this kid who....Even worse, it sounds like my 4 year old composed the the whole thing. And the chorus. What to say about the chorus. The guy hums an arpeggio twice. Then it sounds like he's supposed to sing it a third time, but he falls asleep and the guitar has to take over from there. I seriuosly hope to hear the muzak version of this in an elevator someday. It will be proof that even the muzak engineers have a sense of humor.
My Sacrifice - Creed Hey remember when Creed was cool? Yeah, me either. I do remember tolerating them before they won 5 billion Grammies in one night. Then like, 8 stations I listen to started to play them simultaneously and constantly. All of their songs sound the same, so I'm not sure how I came to hate this one the most. Maybe it's the martyrdom or the self-aggrandization of Scott Staph. Maybe it's the way he strikes that Jesus pose in the video. Or is that Arms Wide Open? Ah, who cares, they all suck.
Push - Matchbox 20 You want to push me around? Well, that's not very nice for such a soft-spoken gentleman like you, Rob Thomas. Oooh he says he will. Twice! Look out. No really, Rob is a great guy. I like listening to him give radio interviews. I really do like him as a person. I hate his band. Wah wah wah boohoo my life is so sad and no one understands me. Cheer the hell up, would you!?? I make no secret of my general disdain for slow songs, and this one is no exception. The lyrics are lame, the music isn't even in a minor key and it's so simplistic. I could figure this song out on the piano in about 30 seconds.
Right Thurr - Chingy I like the way you do it. Right thurr. Yes, right thurr. I think I know what this song is about, but honestly, I can't fathom listening to it all the way through to figure it out.
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy - Kenny Chesney No. She doesn't. Seriously. No woman has ever thought a John Deere or Kubota was sexy. Not only is the entire premise of this song retarded, it also represents something I don't like about country music. It's almost like they're trying to take the redneck thing and bring it out into the open and brag about it. So they write these ridiculous songs. And when I'm trying to convince a country-music-hater that no really, there are good country songs, it never fails that some piece of redneck, moonshine-swillin, tractor-lovin, barmaid-huggin, lameass song like this comes on. Then I turn to that country-music hater and say "Yeah, you were right."
So Far Away - Staind I wish you were so far away Mr. Whineybutt. I swear all this band puts out is a bunch of boohoo, my life is so misunderstood even by me crap that I can't honestly see why anyone likes them. I've heard that their CD is nothing like the stuff they play on the radio. Isn't that counterproductive? Isn't the radio basically your biggest commercial for your music? I understand the heartfelt sentiment of this song (he's whining about his successful music career and how it takes him away from his family), but does he have to whine the whole song?
When It's Over - Sugar Ray Possibly the worst song by the worst band ever to make it "big." Even Mark McGrath said that they put Sugar Ray together to have a one-hit-wonder (with I Just Want to Fly) and just live off the fat for the rest of their lives. Why can't we just let them live their dream?
Dishonorable Mentions: I know what you’re thinking. Possibly. Why bother with dishonorable mentions when I didn’t even rank the others? I mean, why not just make it the worst 29? Because, my friend, 29 just isn’t a round number, so deal.
Two Princes – Spin Doctors Mind-numbing background music, if that. Now, there are plenty of songs that are background music at best, what makes this one so special? The stupid lyrics. One has. Diamonds in his pockets. Now how 'bout that, now. I can't even stand to think about the next line I'm so annoyed. Gah. The only reason it didn’t make the “real” list is the redeeming Sesame Street factor. That’s right, I actually saw an episode of Sesame Street (I watched well into college) where the Spin Doctors came on and helped Prairie Dawn decide who she should play with. The logical conclusion: can’t we all just play together? If only all of our problems could be solved with crappy pop songs. Never mind.
One Headlight – Wallflowers I hate the creepy sound effect whatever it is that keeps popping up and just what the hell is this song about? Read the lyrics. Something about a funeral and Cinderella and a parade and one headlight? Huh? Whatever, Wallflowers. Just….whatever. Maybe I’m missing something horribly deep, but if it’s THAT tough to figure out, maybe you’re being a shade too enigmatic, hm? I think so. This song is like "Counting Blue Cars" annoying brat little brother.
Calling All Angels – Train I’m not really sure how this one didn’t make the top 25 because there is some serious hate going on with this song. Drops of Jupiter la la la that was a nice song until they MURDERED it by playing it 486 times a day. So, OK, maybe their second song will be a little more upbeat. Hardly. What is this? Oh the world is in such disrepair all we need are all the angels to come down and fix what us mean nasty humans have broken. BooEffingHoo. Shut up, you aren’t even cute enough to hold my attention for more than one cheesy sappy song.
Inspiration – “Chicago” That is in big fat quotes for a reason. Chicago USED to be cool! They used to put together these rad pieces with a ton of horn work and interesting beats and fun lyrics (although I still haven’t figured out what 25 or 6 to 4 is supposed to mean). And then what happened?? I’ll tell you what happened: Peter Cetera happened. Cheeseball. Have you seen the video for this song? It’s like Pete is happy to be singing and the rest of the band is lying about the guest house thinking “Oh crap, what the hell have we done?” and reading newspapers. No really. The band is reading newspapers they’re so bored.
OK, that's all the songs that I hate that I could think of for now. Please feel free to comment your least favorite song. If ANYONE even thinks about being a smartass and posting anything about Pat Benatar, you're dead meat I know where you live and I know people with aluminum bats.
The End.
Oh, and PSYCHE!
Fine. Here. Have some female homoeroticism.
posted by di at 7:50 PM
2 Comments:
LMAO di, you crack me up. i do have to disagree on a couple of those songs, but otherwise....tear-jerking laughter.
-one of your pyramids buddies
6:58 PM
I am desolate; some songs I really like are on your list. Maybe this means we can't be friends anymore.... Now I'm REALLY desolate.
5:00 PM
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