Neener Neener

All I have to say is, there is a certain Dr. John Christy, professor of atmospheric science from the University of Alabama at Huntsville that I would like to give a big fat hug. A wee little quote from him from a story on cnn.com:

"The consensus is probably that humans are having an effect on the climate that is marginally detectable,"

This is what I have been saying all along. So neener neener Al Gore, shut up about the damn movie.

I *heart* hyperlinks.

I'm at work, so I have to keep it short. It's kinda painful.

Mixed Bag

I haven't written in a while, so I'll just have to get everyone caught up.

Friday: Drove up to my parents' after work with Gabi. Accidentally mentioned to my Mom that I wanted to lose weight.

Saturday: I woke up to the Diet Nazi and the Atkins diet. I didn't feel the real impact until lunchtime and everyone else had hamburgers and I didn't get a sesame seed bun. No chips or root beer either. My Mom even bought me Cokes! And brought them along! Then denied me. DENIED! If I had that woman around to give me that "look" every time I looked at a chip wrong, I'd be 115 pounds in two weeks. Anyway, then after "lunch" we went on a hike. Now when my near-60-year-old parents say "We're going on a hike with you and your 4-year-old daughter," what do you think of? A nice stroll in the woods? Or a treacherous climb up a rocky mountain lined with cacti to fall on should you make one wrong little move? Well, I thought nice stroll in the woods. Our biggest problem would be the occasional bug. I really hate being wrong. And I was oh so wrong on this one. I actually had to sweat! Good news though: no tan to be found anywhere! I always lay on the SPF on my face, but I thought surely my legs or my arms would get a little something! Top of ears? NOTHING! I'm still pasty as can be. So, we made it back home just in time for all of us to shower (thankfully) and get out to the theater to see Shrek 2. I'm not sure if it's better than the first one or not because I've only seen the second one 1/278th of the times that I've seen the first one. So time will tell.

Sunday: I admitted to my Mom that I felt like total crap with the low-carb thing. So we decided I should go with low-cal instead. I think I'm borderline on having some sort of blood sugar condition anyway, so at least this way I can eat some grapes or something. I feel like I can control this one much better and I won't be so stressed. But I will have to count higher...that could be the real problem here. June 11th is the deadline! 10 year reunion! More on that later. Anyway! I went home, dropped Gabi off at her dad's and then went home, took a nap and then met Jessica out to have some beer and quesadillas. We both had a few good laughs that we BOTH needed very badly. It felt really good and I stayed out too late. I didn't get to go out and be "bad" all weekend, so I had to squeeze it all into one Sunday night when the bar is practically empty. Oh well, calm can be good, too. (No TOIL, though.. waaaaaaaaaaah!)

Monday: Just another manic....aren't you glad I got that song stuck in your head? OMG! I almost forgot! I was totally on the radio! For like, more than 10 seconds! I was luckily pulled over at the side of the road to get a GPS point for work, and they were all "If you blah blah blah, call in!" And I was! So I did! It was after 10, though, so even though the show is syndicated, it's only on in DFW after 10. Who cares! I rock! I'm a STAR! Sort of.

Tuesday: That would be TODAY! For one thing, I'm totally swamped at work! But it's nice to be needed and then work my ass off and then be told how great I do my job. I know that not everyone gets that positive feedback at their job, so I'm very thankful. But even my boss who is a total smartass says I do a good job! I tell him to put it in writing, but he never does. Hmph. Anyway! So after a hard day's work, I come home to....AMERICAN IDOL FINALE! Speaking of which, let me see if I can get through yet...of course not! I think both girls are great, but the difference is, Diana is boring and Fantasia is interesting. I have to admit, though, that it'd be cool to have another celebrity named Diana. You know, besides me! And then...OOOOOH.... the 24 FINALE!!! So much excitement in one night! I don't want to give anything away, because if you don't watch it now, I hope you find someone with Seasons One and Two on DVD and catch up. Season Three should be out by Christmas. Anyway, the last 3 hours of this one were just phenomenal. I have been glued and forgetting to breathe and just all around thrilled by this show. It is so GREAT! Season Two is still my favorite for extended periods of suspense and keeping the ridiculous sub-plots to a minimum, but Season Three had FIGHTER JETS! I'm just sayin....OH! And I also got an email from the girl who is coordinating our 10 year HS reunion (who I'm excited to see) and she let me know that she got an RSVP from one of my very favorite people from HS! I was so excited I almost fell outta my chair! She was even kind enough to include her email address so I rattled off a very incoherent email with a lot of exclamation points!!! So before, I was halfway looking forward to it and halfway dreading it but 100% curious. Now I'm totally looking forward to it and I just can't wait. I'm not even sure I really care about taking this weight off any more. I mean, I'll still try but I won't be terribly disappointed if I don't do it (how's that for motivation?). I'm just happy I'll get to see these girls again and be goofy with them again. It'll be just like old times, but with BEER!

DAY AFTER TOMORROW OPENS IN 3 DAYS! Wheeeeee

Stupid!

Stupid: I have my DSL modem, but I can’t use it until June 4th. I suppose it’s all for the best since that’s one less thing I have to un-hook and re-hook up when I move. My dialup has decided to test my patience infinitely in the mean time.

Even more stupid: The hard rock station here in Dallas, The Eagle (KEGL) 97.1 is no more. I guess the Powers That Be at Clear Channel thought those call letters should stand for “Keegles” instead. Because only people who are capable of those exercises will be the ones listening to this station now. If they can stay awake. Before, we had AC/DC. Now we have Michael Bolton. Before: Can’t Drive 55. After: Greatest Love of All. Why would they do this? We already have a snorefest of “Lite rock favorites without a lot of interruptions” over at 103.7 if we wanted to go to sleep. We don’t have any other contemporary rock station in this area (that I know of). And to add insult to injury, they named the station Sunny 97.1. SUNNY! Are you #*^&^%*ing kidding me??? Could these two themes have been any more polarizing? Clear Channel Executives, I have this to say to you: You will get a massive backlash from this. You are probably a bunch of old men who thought you could get more advertising dollars from being “sunny” instead of being “edgy.” No more Hooters commercials for you! Oh, and your suit is ugly. Or maybe you’re a bunch of post-menopausal women who think the world is just too dark with all the yelling and bodies hitting the floor. Maybe you cringe when someone says “hell” and you think what this world needs is more Celine Dion. Know who needs more Celine Dion? CANADA! I’m not the biggest fan in the world of yelling and such but GEEZ do we really need another station like this sugary sweet, safe-for-the-whole family schmaltz??? Offend me, dammit! Let’s go see what song is playing right now. I Hear a Symphony by the Supremes. Oooh, they even have on their website what has played in the last 20 minutes or so. The worst of the worst: I Wanna Know What Love Is! (paging Philip Michael Thomas), Shining Star (Fading…..fast…..), You’ve Got a Friend (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………….). If I weren’t asleep, I’d be deeply offended.

The stupidest: Al Gore. What are we going to do with you? The Day After Tomorrow is just a movie. The only message it has is “Buy more popcorn, but not too much soda. There’s a big tidal wave scene coming.” Go make out with your wife or grow a goattee or something. Maybe I can make a big stink about it and get Fox to give me a private screening. You can all come! All the popcorn you can eat! Small cokes, though. Listen. Here’s my rant on global warming. The climate of our dear Earth is indeed on some sort of a schedule. Just like a pendulum, it swings back and forth. Ice Age to more tropical times and back to icing. This is gradual. Very gradual. It will not happen in one day. And if you honestly think that anything we twiddly little humans can do will somehow affect that pendulum is positively ludicrous. Oh? What’s that you say? Greenhouse gases? Are you kidding me? Do you know what the biggest producer of greenhouse gases is? Volcanoes. And volcanoes have been spewing these gases into the atmosphere for millions of years. Do you really think 100 years of industurial revolution can have more of an effect? Speaking of the industrial revolution, it’s been what, a hundred years or so? Know what else has been going on for about 100 years? Collection of meteorological data. How can we possibly know the climate as it has been for eons with such a miniscule piece of evidence? Layers of rock. Ice cores. And those things suggest gradual fluctuations except for that massive meteor that allegedly wiped out the dinosaurs. I say allegedly because there are some decent alternative theories out there, but that is for a different column. I mean, I’m still all for the meteor theory, but it’s good to have an open mind about things. LIKE GLOBAL WARMING! And yes, I’ve actually researched this at length. If you’d like to see the paper, I’m sure it’s around here somewhere. I went into that paper with a crusade in mind. Out to prove that us humans are mean and dirty people and we should stop with this greenhouse gas nonsense! Well, look how I came out on the other side. I’m not saying we should just pollute the hell outta the Earth and do as we please. I totally think we should all be responsible about our emissions and look for alternate energies, use recycled goods as much as possible all the green-huggy-tree-cakes we can do. But don’t be using global warming and movies about catastrophic climatological changes to further your cause. That’s just scare tactics. Appeal to people’s sensibilities instead of their fears. The fact that Mr. Gore came out in support of this movie for these reasons make me take him even less seriously than I did before. Go make a big deal about your recycled paper towels! Go make a big deal about the new hybrid SUV from Ford I keep hearing about! Not this idiotic movie. Come on! I think he has good intentions. I can't really fault him for that. I guess I should thank him. Thank you Mr. Gore, for the internet! Without which, I wouldn’t even get to write this happy little rant! (I know “Gore invented the internet” jokes are old, but I still think they’re funny. Hee!)

The End. For Now.

Hm, I don't remember sleeping with Simon.....

So. Lately, I have been singing some West Side Story in the car. You know, that "Somewhere" song and "Tonight." If I had "America" on CD, I'd be singing that, too. America is probably my favorite movie dance scene ever. So anyway, I was concentrating on "Tonight" er....tonight. I never realized what a tough song it is to sing until I sang it about 5 times in a row. It's not very long, but the range for this song is kind of massive, if that makes any sense at all, so it can be taxing to sing it many times in a row. Also, I am a believer that you can't really sing a song right unless you can sing it a capella. I have a decent commute. I go from work to pick up Gabi (about 35 minutes) and then back home (about 20 minutes). On my way to pick up Gabi tonight, I get two really good renditions in without rewinding or anything (I like to rewind when I mess up unless I'm strapped for time. I hate messing up). I'm pretty proud of myself and call it a good singing day. I go in, get Gabi, we talk about what she did today and she starts singing. It sort of sounds like "Tonight" so I ask if it's OK if I sing her a song. She says OK. So, I fire up Tony and Maria again. For some reason, I'm not nearly as good. I get to the part about suns and moons and sparks flying into space and my voice just seems to quit. I rewind and say "Oh man, that wasn't so good." Gabi says "No, Mommy! It was good! Keep going!" Aw, what a sweet lil pumpkin! So I rewind and sing it over, this time much better. Whew! Back to the beginning. I've got to get it right. Well, halfway through the song, Gabi starts to say something so I turn the music off so I can hear her. We yap about VW Bugs and airplanes and clouds and ponies and glitter for a few minutes. Then I decide to try the last chorus a capella. I wasn't going full throttle, more of a half falsetto, half regular voice just to get the notes right. "And what was just the world is a SOOOOOOOOONG! TO-NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!" Well. That last note kinda cracked. And was about 3 steps flat. And it also sorta made me choke at the end. And out of the back seat, in the most droll, deadpan voice ever uttered by a 4 year old: "That wasn't so good."

I am in for it, people. Not only has this child picked the winner of both previous seasons of American Idol (OK, she picked Clay last year, but really, he's the winner after all, hm?), but she has also picked out the suck (RHW, anyone?). And as much as I sing in the car, I am in for at least 12 more years of musical criticism.

The End. For Now.

P.S. I love cookies.

P.S. #2 Gabi picked Jasmine to win this year's Idol. Strange, but true.

ER Season Finale Spazzy Recap

If you don't watch ER, then this post will probably bore you immensely. If you DO watch ER and you haven't seen the season finale, this is the longest spoiler ever. Fair warning.

OK, I'm going to be recapping the final 43 minutes of the ER season finale. It's on commercial right now, so I can babble for a minute. I realized how much fun these are back in college when I lived with my roommate Emily. We were watching a movie on TV and she had a meeting to go to, so on her way out she says "Let me know what happens!" So I hand-wrote about 7 pages of recap for her. Needless to say, she was expecting more of a "they hooked up at the end" rather than 7 pages of my rambling, but she liked it. Also, if you want a much funnier and a tad more linear recap, try Television Without Pity website.

OK, it's back on. So far, this poor woman almost got chopped in half in a traffic accident. She basically got rear-ended violently by a large yellow truck that got rear ended by a very fast-moving sedan. Not her car...HER! At first I thought she got cut in half, but apparently she was only MOSTLY cut in half. Oh what a relief. Now her kid is spazzing. If he dies, I swear this show has just gone over the top where depressing is concerned. First Kerri's wife dies and her dead wife's family wants custody of their son, then Carter's unborn child dies. The only good that can come out of that is that maybe we don't have to deal with Kem as much. Her preachy judgmental tirades are oh so old. Ooooh and the guy who hit the mom and her son was high...tsk tsk...see what drugs can do to you? Maybe this is the "Just Say No" PSA episode of ER. "You need surgery." Well no duh, Luka! Maybe to, oh I don' tknow, reattach the lower half of her BODY?? But alas, I am no doctor. I don't even play one on TV. Hm wonder where Chen got that shiner. She said she ran into a door, but I bet her dad socked her. He's a whacko like that. Man, I feel for Abby. Just like her, everyone assumes that I'm a massive idiot because I'm not 67 years old and don't sound like I've smoked a pack and a half for the past 20 years. OK, so what hospital really lets the dad in the trauma room while his kid is getting shocked because his lungs collapsed? Seriously. Let's bring you in to see your only child bloody and near death. Great idea! Ooh and Sam's ex is a total smarmy creep. Took Alex out of school. Got high (part 2 of the PSA). Playing video games with some random guy with a motorcycle helmet. Kick his ass, Sam! OK, commercial. Good time to proofread.

And we're back. Kerri's lawyer is not exactly the most positive person. I realize he's just trying to be realistic for her. And here's where we get preachy again. Yes, Kerri, we get it, homosexual parents need rights, too. The world is so BLIND! I guess it's easy for me to say since I don't have child custody issues (knock on wood) nor am I gay. Don't move to Dallas, you creep (Sam's ex)! I assure you, we have our fair share. Aw, Abby and the old man made a connection! He was an algebra teacher for 37 years and thinks it's all for nothing and Abby tells him that she's sure he had impact with many students. They're bonding! Now Elizabeth is working on Half-Woman with her hands all in her guts. Now we're back to the boy. He's been coding on and off for 40 minutes! Chen says he's gone. Carter must save him! He's doing some complicated heroic procedure. And of course it works because Carter knows all too well what it's like to lose a child (and it also happens that whenever a doc on this show wants to keep going after everyone else wants to quit and use some "crazy" procedure, it works 99% of the time). That story line was awful with Carter losing his son. I hate you ER writers! OK, here's Pratt asking Carter about Chen. Pratt thinks it was her Dad, too! So it seems obvious which means we're wrong. And we're back to the jerk who hit Half-Woman. Whining about how he has no opportunities and wah wah wah and Pratt, you're black and you forgot your roots and I'm the good guy here because I'm an ass and you're a successful doctor. Whatever, homeboy you should be proud of Dr. Pratt. He's proof that you don't have to give in to stereotypes. OK, now Neela is apparently having a crisis because she's stopped on the side of the road smoking. Huh? Now Sam and Alex are moving? Like right now! Alex is pretty pissed about it. Oooooooooh you don't call your Momma a bitch! She let loose on him the way she should've, though. Oh good, Half-Woman is OK! Aw, she had to have her legs amputated! How sad! Geez this show is just awful. I know this is just a show, but I could never work in the medical community, especially in an ER. Abby is missing a letter? Oh how sweet! Abby tracked down one of Old Man Algebra's students! To tell him how important he was! Awwwwwwww we love teachers!! Yay! Oh no, back to the custody hearing. Mr. and Mrs. Lopez are both retired and good health. Kerri has no relatives. Hm, she didn't have much time to speak. But she's having her say now. I hope you feel guilty, Mrs. Lopez! Back to the preaching. Gay people love each other just as much as straight people. Now you know. Commercial.

Sam and Alex are all calm now but still packing. He has reluctantly given in. Who is he calling? Dr. Kovac. Said his mom's freaking out and he needs to come over. Oops, Sam catches him and he hangs up. Back to Neela. Oooh she looks CUTE! I love that suit! Pink button down and dark matching jacket and mid-length skirt. Back to spaz-boy. He has a tear in his throat, but he's stable. Ouch, the dad just asked Carter if he has kids. Oh good, the Mom and the son are in the same room. Oh, Abby found her letter.! Back to Neela. Apparently, Neela got assigned to some fancy hospital. So that's her crisis. She doesn't think this is what she wants. Dermatology??? Eh, she's quitting anyway. Abby passed her boards!! Yay! She's so happy! Finally, a happy moment on this godforsaken show!!! And we're to Neela again. She doesn't think she can do it? Withdrawing from the residency program! She misses the ER maybe? And we're back to Mr. Algebra! Aw, another student! Old Man Algebra asks if Abby will be his nurse tomorrow. She says she won't be his nurse, but she'll be there. Just ask for Dr. Lockhart. YAY DR. LOCKHART! Sam is totally making a run for it. And here's Luka! Save the day, Luka!!! How awful it must be for Sam to feel like she has to run away from that creep just because he won't go away. Listen woman, Luka totally digs you and he's HOT! And a DOCTOR! Are ya stupid? Pratt and Chen. Oooh it WAS her dad. Pratt wants to take her to dinner to talk. How sweet! He's still her friend. Taking drunk guy to jail. I don't know why Pratt and drunk guy are exchanging respect nods. Huh? Pratt's giving Chen and Burger Guy a ride home. A very angry white man is having some yelling issues with the car-load. Road rage is bad. Very bad. Oh, Burger Guy, don't flip him off! He's already angry! You know they're going to get into an accident. It IS the season finale after all and there's only 3 minutes left. OMG! ANGRY MAN IS TOTALLY SHOOTING AT THEM! Driving is not that important, people! HOLY CLIFFHANGER! Please don't kill Pratt off. He is totally hot. And Chen was just starting to defrost! COME ON ER WRITERS!

Whew. Good episode overall. Minimal death. Hey, I don't think anyone died the whole episode!!! Unless someone in the car-load is dead, but technically we don't know if anyone's dead until next season, so it doesn't really count. I say Burger Guy is dead and Chen and Pratt are critical. That's my call. Whew! That was some turbo typing! If this thing seems disconnected or random, well that's ER's fault. Normally, I'd say it's all me because I am not the most focused person in the world, but I was typing as the show was going on, so in this case, I think I can sufficiently shift the blame. Right? OF COURSE! I should totally do another one of these for 24. That'd be super-fun, but I'd have to only write on commercials because I love that show way too much and I am GLUED when it's on. Ooh more on that later. 24. Not...glue. This thing is way long as it is.

The End. For Now.

Day After Tomoraaaaaahahahahaha

First of all, what's up with American Idol taking the final four contestants to a psychic? Huh? What? They must be really desperate for filler since they have over an hour to invade our brains and only four people to yap about. Hm, Clay Aiken must be running low on media attention. But he was just on Leno last night. Not...that I was watching him...

So I checked out that 10 minute trailer on Fox for that movie "The Day After Tomorrow." First, let me preface this by saying that while I am not an expert on disasters, I did get a degree that required me to study them extensively, especially natural disasters. Now let me say that I can't wait to see this movie despite the ridiculous nature of its premise. The only movie preview I've seen that looked more ridiculous was The Core and I would never ever waste money on that movie. The CORE of the EARTH......STOPPING??? I remember seeing that trailer for the first time in the movie theater and laughing out loud. Really loud. ANYWAY! I think the difference between The Core and TDAT is that we all have some sort of experience with wacky weather (except those who live in San Diego. Shut up, San Diego). Show me someone who has experience with the core of the earth stopping and I will totally give you a dollar. No wait...two. That's how confident I am. But the premise of a worldwide cataclysmic meteorological event...in one day...well, it's a movie for a reason. I don't want to bring on some horribly kharmic event here, but that just ain't gonna happen, People. Disasters are dramatic. And what's more dramatic than a worldwide event? I know that no one (hopefully) will take any of this seriously, I just want to point out a few things just from the trailer.

First, cataclysmic climatological change...that's an oxymoron. Climatology is the study of weather patterns over not just years, but millennia and eons. Taking the ice cores...nice start, but if there was truly a cataclysmic change 10,000 years ago, it was likely brought on by a volcanic eruption or an asteroid impact. The Earth doesn't just turn itself upside down every 10 millennia, much less on a stopwatch. Now, this is why I have to see the movie: I want to see what the "theories" are behind the whole thing because we all know how much I love theories. So that's my problem with the premise.

And then we have the scene where the guy (Jake Gyllenhaal??) is running away from the tsunami in New York City. First of all, I have a problem with the way that they portray the water rushing through the streets of Manhattan and people running into buildings to escape it. I couldn't help but recall those awful videos from September 11. Instead of a wall of debris, it was water. It just hit way too close. Maybe that was their intent; to bring back the horror of a disaster that we can all relate to. And I would say that it could be frightening for a survivor of those attacks, but I would guess that this is not the movie for those people. This is not the movie for you. Go see Shrek 2. But beyond the initial deja vu, there's the scene where the guy runs into a building and the wall of water busts all the windows out (special effects look cool, too...you know, to me). Cut to the parents (who, I betcha twenty bucks, they're estranged at the beginning of the movie and hook up at the end) who are worrying about him. Next thing you know, HE'S ON THE PHONE! Cut to the guy up to his neck in water talking on a pay phone. So hang on a minute...not only is New York City enduring its first major hurricane since 1938 (which means that their infrastructure is most likely not equipped to withstand a major event), but all of Manhattan is basically under water...and this guy finds a WORKING PHONE??? I really hope they come up with some incredible explanation for that. One more reason I can't wait to see this movie.

And finally (I'm sure there'll be more somewhere down the line), we must touch on the tornadoes in Los Angeles. Oh, where to begin. There's oh so much wrong with this picture. I don't have a problem with them placing the tornado events in southern California. Tornadoes can happen anywhere on earth. I have a major problem with like, seven of them touching down at once. Sure, this is an extreme event, but from what I could tell, they were just dropping out of the sky randomly. It's almost like the screenwriters went to a meteorologist and said "what about this?" blah blah blah and the meteorologist said "well, that's never gonna happen." And the screenwriter said "Never? Really?" And the meteorologist said "well, I suppose there's a sliver of possibility..." and started going into all of the insane factors that would have to come into play but the screenwriter cuts the meteorologist off to pull a Jim Carrey and says "So, you're saying there's a chance?" And then the meteorologist gets tired of the screenwriter and just says yes so that the screenwriter will just go away. And THEN we have the news crew reporting from the scene. This is the Twister syndrome. The belief that you can be 50 yards from a tornado and be perfectly OK. There's not a whole lot of debris from the 300 MILE PER HOUR WINDS! And what kind of dumbass reporter puts themselves right in the middle of 7 or 8 tornadoes? He deserved to get hit by that garage door. Darwin at his finest. Then again, this is LA we're talking about. Oh, and if my memory serves me correctly, that scene where the tornado eats the Hollywood sign...was that shot from a helicopter? That's way too easy to mock, so I won't. And then we have the tired old myth that says in any disaster situation, people are going to be running in the streets crazed and disoriented. Chaos will ensue. While the events are chaotic, most people are going to remove themselves from the situation as much as possible. Then again, maybe I've studied disaster situations too much to really have that sort of perspective on it. Maybe since I've grown up in Tornado Alley, "what to do in a tornado" has been pounded into my head since the day I was born. "Awww, isn't she sweet? Time of birth: 8:44. OK, Dianna, in the event of a tornado, I want you to find an enclosed room on the bottom floor away from windows, OK? Goo goo! What a pretty girl!" I'm sure that's how it happened. Especially since I was born in Wichita Falls where people don't really even react much to tornadoes any more. "Another one? Really? I hope the power doesn't go out. American Idol's on." So maybe it's just common knowledge to me. I guess the same would happen if we had a major earthquake here in Texas. It's possible and no one would be prepared and we'd be all "what the @#&!" But it would have to be like, a 10.5 (oh don't get me started on that movie) on the Richter scale to equal what they're trying to portray in this movie.

Oh, and my very very favorite part of this trailer...the part where Dennis Quaid finally has his moment to explain to some Really Important Committee what's going on and what the best course of action should be. He goes over to this wall map of the U.S. and takes a red marker and draws a line from about Oregon, down to Nebraska and back up to, oh say, New York and says "Evacuate everyone south of this line." AND PUT THEM WHERE, MR. SMARTY PANTS?? I mean, I know there's a lot of room in Canada, but...but...that just makes me rub my eyes and smack myself on the head and keep repeating "stupid stupid stupid." Do you realize what an issue it is just to evacuate one town??? Much less the southernmost 2/3 of the entire contiguous United States? I hope the Really Important Committee has a good sense of humor.

So what I'm trying to say is, as a piece of entertainment, this looks like a fun movie and I seriously can't wait to see it. I really hope no one takes this seriously as something that could ever possibly happen. Just like I really like to watch movies about the future because I like seeing what other people think the future will be like, I absolutely love watching disaster movies to see how other people perceive them. I also like watching to see if the screenwriters did any homework at all or if they're just sitting around going "8! No! 9 tornadoes! And they take out the Hollywood sign! And and then they take out downtown and and then..." *makes crashing sound with that big claw hand* "Sweeeeet!"

OK, I think I've ranted enough about a movie I haven't even seen yet. I can't wait to see it! May 28th!!!

The End. For Now.

OR IS IT?

Seriously, no more TOIL stories. After this one.

I met SpikyGirl on Friday. She was really nice. I HATE THAT! How am I supposed to hate her guts when she's being so NICE??? She even let me have a drink of her...well, it started off as a Cape Cod, then someone bought her a Kamikaze and she didn't particularly care for shots, so she poured the Kamikaze in the Cape Cod and it was so good and she let me try it. Hmph. I still kissed TOIL on the cheek before I left. He's so delicious (see May 2 post).

He also keeps bringing up our wedding. This, I find strange mainly because he has yet to realize that I exist. I love to joke that we're getting married because I love the letter Z and his last name starts with a Z. I only said it twice, but now I guess it's on for next month. I think I'm going to shoot for July 3rd since we can get the fireworks for free. For some reason, I'm all about the holiday wedding. My first choice would be New Year's Eve. I know what you're thinking! But no one will want to come because they'll all want to go to parties! Uh, hello, People! My wedding IS the party! If everyone's going to be at the wedding, who will throw the parties? Der. That was a lovely tangent. So anyway, this should be interesting to see if he actually remembers or ever brings it up again. I mean, usually, he's the sober one and I'm not so I guess we'll just see. Eh?

ANYWAY! Then on Saturday, the bum asks out this little brunette twit right in front of me. And then she's all..."I can see why you wouldn't like blondes" or something to the effect that guys shouldn't like blondes. Hello! I'm sitting right here! What a beeyatch. I mean, and I had just gotten it done earlier that day and it looked fabulous, I don't care what anyone says. Even TOIL said it looked awesome. I'm actually a little ticked off at him for saying all that crap and then acting the way he did with her.

Now here's the deal with him being nice to me. He is a bartender. Part of that nice-ness is his job. And sometimes, he has no choice but to say something nice. For example: The basic compliment fish. "Do you like my hair?" "Yes, it's fabulous." Now, I did not say that. He offered that compliment. I hate fishers and I hate fishing. But sometimes, he really is left with nothing else to say. But then there are those other times when he jumps in. He does not have to say anything at all, yet he makes the effort to say or do something nice. This, I do not understand. Because the boy still doesn't know I exist. And that is the reason I cannot ask the guy out. He really needs to come to realize my existence on his own. KnowhatImean? I have had many people come to me and say "quit whining and just ask the guy out, would you?" I just can't. Especially after watching him make out with SpikyGirl on Friday and asking out Beeyatch on Saturday. I mean, in a way, that's good because that means he's not seeing SpikyGirl exclusively. Ugh, can you believe that I'm totally tired of talking about this? Because I really am.

So, it seems that my self esteem may be lacking even after a fabulous dye job. But alas, I have the cure for low self esteem. Watching The Swan! Maybe I'm a little jealous of their toned bods at the end, but listening to these poor women talk about their sheer lack of self esteem makes me realize that I don't really have it all that bad. It also makes me thankful that I don't feel bad enough about my body or my face to ever let someone take a knife to it. It'd be nice for someone to just remove the flab and be done with it, but the pain and risk just doesn't seem worth it. I'll hire my four year old as my personal trainer. She's pretty relentless and I can pay her in grilled cheese and other assorted dairy products.

The End. For Now.

Chronicles of TOIL, Chapter 247

So I went out for Cinco de Mayo. I'm just having a couple of beers! I don't need to say anything else stupid in front of You Know Who. Remember that movie with Eddie Murphy and he kept saying "Keep it together" like, over and over? That was my mantra all night. And I had Eddie Murphy's voice in my head saying it. My head is a strange place to be sometimes. My daughter recognizes Eddie Murphy. That's kind of scary to me. Blame Shrek and Dr. Doolittle, I guess. Stopping tangent now. So everything went pretty well! Low-level flirting. The most flirtatious thing I said to him was "Hey baby, can I get some chicken fingers?" Hm...I'm just going to cut and paste from an email I wrote to WJ earlier about what else happened. I'm so wordy sometimes!

Basically, everything was going great and I was keeping my mouth shut and being generally smart, witty, funny, and all around fantastic until....."she" showed up. Wearing a halter top. BEFORE MEMORIAL DAY! Whatever, Spikygirl. He even confirmed that they were "seeing" each other, but would not elaborate. That means he's hittin that. GAH! It's OK. He needs to get it all out of his system before he hooks up with me. Because, let's face it, I'm IT! So anyway, I'm hanging out with my friend Jonesy, which is the only way I would've gotten all of that information about TOIL....anyway....Jonesy spots this guy across the bar (sitting right next to SpikyGirl) who apparently looks JUST LIKE this guy in some movie that none of us have seen. Seriously, he asks EVERYONE and most of us had never heard of it. Body Double? No clue. So anyway, he goes "Anyone have a picture phone? I gotta have a picture of this guy!" Of course, there's mine sitting out right there and Jonesy's like, "Show me how to use this thing. Take a picture of [TOIL]." So, ka-ching, I got a picture of him while looking helpful and informed. And then I tried to show Jonesy how I can email it to people and it's so easy and then my phone froze up and we couldn't take a picture of that other creepy guy. Oh drat. But the crappy part is, SpikyGirl is in the background all slouched all over the bar. Classy. Oh, and then I kind of let it slip to Jonesy about my er...."crush".....on TOIL. It was so cute because I said I was so jealous. And he thought I was jealous of TOIL b/c he has a nice car *total confusion* and I said no, goofy, I'm jealous of her! And he looks at me. Looks at her. Looks at him. Looks back at me, points at TOIL and goes "You're in?" Ha! I love that guy. He's like that really cool uncle who bets on horses all the time. I said, yes I'm "in" but you gotta keep it SHOOSH! He said mum's the word with Jonesy, which I sort of believe. He seems to genuinely like me, even though he used to hate me. And he seems to genuinely like TOIL and vice versa. So, we've got an interesting cast of characters here. I wrote a lot.

End of email. And I've thought some since I wrote that. Now I'm sort of thinking that even though TOIL is super nice to me and flirts all the time...I'm starting to think that he does it because he knows I adore him. And, as you may know, it's nice to be adored. So why not egg that on a little bit? I don't think he does it consciously. I mean, I egg it on when he starts flirting with me. Mmm. Eggs. So that's one theory. Another theory is, I made up that last theory because I think I'm setting myself up for disappointment and now I'm trying to lessen the inevitable blow that I will surely have to take when the fit hits the shan and it comes out that I love him and he likes SpikyGirl. Have I mentioned that I hate her? OK, hate is a strong word. I hate her. Not only does she have something I want, she's also kinda mean. Jealous? Me? It's OK if I admit it, right? Well, jealousy may not be the best emotion, but it happens. And we have to admit it and deal with it instead of yak about how awful it is to be jealous. It sucks, but this is a step in some process, I'm sure. What process, I can't quite figure out. Maybe I'll end up on the other side with a permit of some kind. A permit to ROCK YOUR FACE! I couldn't resist.

The End. For Now.

The Twilight Zone of Sports

I don't understand. This is like that time that time I woke up right after I re-decorated my room in all black and white and I thought I was color-blind. Completely disoriented, didn't know which way was up. Thank goodness for that stupid green hat. ANYWAY!

Hockey first. So, the Stars have been out of the playoffs for a couple of weeks. The Avs, my second favorite team, just got eliminated from the playoffs. So who do I root for in Ye Olde Stanley Cup Playoffs? The CALGARY FLAMES, BABY! How else could I possibly re-pay a deed as cherished and honorable as eliminating the Dead Wings? Number one all season long and they got eliminated by the freakin Calgary Flames. It's a beautiful thing, I tell you. So now, not only am I not rooting for my #1 or #2 team, I'm rooting for a Canadian team! I know what The People are thinking. Canadians started the whole damn thing! You should be rooting for the Canadians anyway! All I have to say is, nobody gives me more crap about Dallas having a hockey team than Canadians. The sport does not belong to you because of geography or because you can play outside 9 months out of the year. We have air conditioning and the technology to freeze water long enough for a hockey game, so just get off your very cold high horse and enjoy the fact that everyone loves "your" sport. It's OK. We can all play! Really. Anyway, so um, Go Flames! Burn 'em up!

Basketball: My poor Mavericks were eliminated. So who do I have to root for now? Well, I could go for someone in the East, but really, I want a team who can actually win in the Finals. So we're down to Spurs vs. Lakers and Kings vs. Timberwolves. First of all, I'm supposed to hate the Kings. They beat my Mavericks all the time. But. They have cool owners. Just like us! They have relatively un-famous players who really kick ass. JUST LIKE US! I can't help but see the similarities. We do seem to be lacking some neckbeards (tm Mark), though. So I guess in the Kings vs. Timberwolves, I have to take the Kings. Even though the T-wolves have had an amazing season, I just don't care about them. Spurs vs. Lakers. This is a tough one because I hate both teams. I'm supposed to like the Spurs because they're from Texas, you know, and so am I. I'm just so tired of them winning. The perpetual whine of a fan whose team has yet to make the Finals, I know I know. So that's why I hate the Lakers, too, right? Not so much. I hate the Lakers for the same reason I hate the Dead Wings: their fans are obnoxious. Now, this can be seen as incongruous since I am a Dallas Cowboys fan. That Snickers commercial with the Cowboys fan taunting that one guy from the NY Giants? Not really too far off the mark. But I am a Cowboys fan in Dallas. We can all be obnoxious together and not bother anyone else. Am I saying that you cannot be a Lakers fan outside of LA? Basically. I have nothing relevant or substantial to back that up. It's just the way I think things should be. If I go to a Cowboys game in say....San Francisco....another town that presumably gives a rip about their football team....I may wear my jersey to the game, but I'm not going out in it later so I can taunt 49'ers fans. Even if we win, what will that prove? That we are a better team? No. Only that we have more obnoxious fans. What if I actually moved to San Francisco? I would still love my Cowboys right? Wrong. I would never move to San Francisco. How did I get onto football? Oh right, fans, Lakers, suck, right. So, anyway the weird part about this NBA season is that somehow, I've ended up rooting for the Kings even though they've been our nemesis all season and is also in complete disregard to my rule to hate all teams from California. My picks: Spurs over the Lakers since I hate the Spurs slightly less, and then the Kings over the T-Wolves even though that seems sort of unlikely, but still possible and then the Kings over the Spurs and then, of course, the Kings beat whoever ends up winning the East. That was one hell of a run-on sentence. I'm kind of proud! So, go Kings, I guess. And kudos to the Pistons for keeping the Nets to 56 points last night. All I have to say to that is Ha. Ha. Ha.

Baseball: Non-religious crap! The Rangers are in first place! How did that ......HAPPEN??? I have a theory, as all people who know me know....I always have a theory. I don't believe in curses, so the notion that A-Rod is a curse is out the window. I don't think he's a curse, but I do think he was a morale-basher when he was here. Not on purpose, of course, because he was always in a great mood, it seemed. For $252 million, I'd be in a perpetually great mood, too. But alas, all the money and all the feel-good philanthropic events in all of Texas could not match that feeling of winning a pennant. So there he was, the best player in baseball on the worst team. He seemed to be a bit pissed about that. I wonder if those feelings of resentment were conveyed to his teammates? Was the team not talented? Of course they were! Hank Blalock hit the home run that won the All-Star game (to which he was elected by the players and coaches) that won the AL home field advantage for the World Series. We had a lot of young no-names that can play some ball. But all anyone ever talked about was A-Rod and how poopy it was to play on such a crappy team. Talk about a morale killer. So A-Rod goes to the Yankees. I like the guy, but good riddance. And now, it seems, this black cloud has been lifted. No more national attention because of this one guy. No more constant criticism and scrutiny and being under this magnifying glass. I'm not saying the guys couldn't take the pressure, but really, this was a team of relative no-names. They need time to grow and cultivate their chemistry. And now, all of a sudden, here "we" are, first place. Sure, it's all a bunch of no-names (except for that Soriano guy), but I think that's the way we like it. We had Palmeiro and Pudge for a long time and they sort of worked their way up in the MLB world and I think some of these guys have the potential to do the same thing. Blalock, Texeira (who has the coolest name ever), and The Gambler are some of my favorites. Oh, and a bunch of guys whose names I can't remember right now. This is the most I've said about baseball, like, ever. Seriously. So, go Rangers! They may not finish in first, but at least we got off to a great start. I'm super-proud of them. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

The End. For Now.

Congratulations, Me on your least dorky performance yet!

Sunday night: I go to sing karaoke. I was sad because Jessica and Brad didn't show up and also because I had to leave early. But the good news is, I got to sing three songs and, of course, TOIL was there. SIGH! Actually, he showed up halfway through my first song (Like a Prayer). Yeah, that wasn't distracting AT ALL! Then, he sort of disappears. I don't see him for a few minutes. I get called up for my second song (Proud Mary) and BAM he reappears again. Now, I just have to say here....I don't usually do duets (except with Jessica), but the karaoke guy, Joel, asked if he could sing the bass line, and I'm like, OK, what the hell. That sentence had a lot of commas. So, basically, we tore it up. I think that was possibly the best I've ever sang in public (in my opinion, anyway). It felt good and I'm glad I had the audience that I did. They seemed to enjoy it. I enjoyed it. I almost forgot that You Know Who was standing nearby. So by this time, all I had gotten from the guy was a wave when he walked in and I was singing. We had made eye contact a couple of times, but he was talking to other people so you know, whatever. Finally! He stops by. Asks the normal "how ya doin?" blah blah blah. He smelled really really good, by the way. And so I just jump in..."I seem to remember me possibly biting you last night?" And he says "It's OK. You didn't bite me hard. It didn't hurt." Hahaha I love this guy! And I say, "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't ...." and I was going to say "I didn't want to cross the line or anything" which is a quasi-lie. But it's true that I didn't want him to be uncomfortable around me. But he cut me off before I could finish! Can you believe that? He says "Don't worry, sweetheart. Any time. Any time." And with that he turned and walked away. I was all, so now's good? Just thinking it really loud. I didn't yak it up like I usually do. Dork grade for Sunday night: D+! Yay! Finally, I'm failing at something! That didn't sound right. I hope no one takes that out of context. So anyway! I sang my last song (Something To Talk About) and then went around to say good bye to everyone before I left. I made a point to give him a hug and squeeze his hand (Sigh!) before I said I'd see him Friday. I am in this bad, People. I am in a good mood all the time. I drive the speed limit. I don't care (as much) when I get cut off. I sing the sappy songs on the radio. I want to quit all of my bad habits. I just can't tell if he really does like me or if he's just trying not to hurt my feelings. He's the kind of guy that would go out of his way to make sure I didn't get my feelings hurt because he didn't like me. But I also think he's the type of person that would tell me as soon as he sensed there might be a problem. Although, I have asked him to marry me twice and he said yes both times. Those were quickly followed up by him emphasizing his wish to have many deductions...er...children! Hahaha Just kidding. He's great. Loves kids. Of course. So anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I should just roll with it and see what happens. I've been told I should just shut up and ask him out already, but I can't do that. If he's going to like me, I really want him to come to that on his own. So for now, you suckers are my outlet. Getting to hear about his every move, my every mental crisis. Fun for the whole family! Great holiday fun! The only problem is, I can't really find anything to complain about because I'm in such a perpetually good mood. OK, here, let me try really hard.....Nope, nothing to complain about. How about a cute Gabi story? Gabi's the munchkin, by the way.

So. We're reading The Jungle Book 2. And once again, Shere Khan's being a real ass. I stop reading and put the book down and turn to Gabi and ask "What's his problem anyway?" And she says "I don't know. I think there's something wrong with his head." I ask, "How do you think he got that way?" Gabi's astounding, scientifically-based answer: "It's probably something he ate." Ha! Like the poor kitty's got heartburn or something. What a ham that kid is! So there you have it. One non-TOIL, non-American Idol-related story. Like, in the entire history of my blog. Congratulations, ME! The End. For Now.

Sorry I bit your neck, TOIL

My weekend so far...remember how last weekend I got my dork diploma? Yeah, well now I'm a freshman at Dork U with a 4.0 GPA. Get this...

Friday night: So he was working. I was drinking. Not heavily, I was still in my right mind. At one point, TOIL asks me "Why are you so nice to me?" And I'm like uh, I thought I was nice to everyone. And he says "You are really nice to everyone, but you're extra nice to me." I just played it off like "Well, I think you're extra nice, honey. Why wouldn't I be?" I was really thinking because I think you're amazing and perfect and I want to have your children. Anyway! Later on, this really cute guy comes and sits down next to us. Like if Tom Cruise and Adam Sandler had a baby and then got a better nose, that would be Jake. Jake is a hot guy name, just FYI. So we talk. He's not terribly funny, but he's nice and not a jerk like hot guys can be sometimes. So we go to this place after the bar closes. It's basically man-church, so that's just what I'm going to call it. So I drove alone and Jessica and Brad and some other random guy were in a car. Jake was supposed to be following me, but I lost him and no, not on purpose! I wait in the parking lot while I look for everyone else because I didn't recognize any of the cars in the parking lot. This is not a crowded place, so it was easy to do. So I call Jessica to see where she is and here comes this car with Jessica and Brad screaming out the windows "Show me show me show me how you do that trick...." Too funny. This other car comes up behind them and two people from the original bar get out before the Jessica and the Brad and start walking up. I recognize them and say hi. I didn't really know them, it was a brooding guy with a baseball cap and a sloppy t-shirt and a girl with short, kind of spiky highlighted hair with black rimmed glasses. She says to me "You waiting on people?" And I sort of motion to Jessica's car like I'm about to say "Yeah, they're right there." And before I can say anything she goes "For [original bar] people? Psha, I'm not waiting out here for them." OK, at first I was thinking, what a strange thing to say. Then I was like, that was kind of rude, no? I just kind of gave her a "Heh" as she walked by me. So I wait for Jessica and company and we go inside and hang out for a while. Then [original bar] staff start showing up and we move around into one happy little group. Well, the bar is a square. I'm sitting on one side of a corner and TOIL is on the other. So we're right next to each other, just around the corner. And on the other side of him is Spiky Girl and Brooding Boy. I was talking to my friend Diane and not really paying attention. Then, after being there for over an hour, in walks Jake. What the....??? We were like...where have you been? We thought you went home. He was like, no, I just got lost. I'm thinking, after an hour I would've just gone home. So Jake stands right in between me and TOIL, which is fine because he's talking to Spiky Girl anyway. But I can see TOIL out of the corner of my eye while I'm talking to Jake. This, just for the record, isn't the best set up because I kept zoning out just watching TOIL flirt with this girl. I couldn't believe this. I just wanted to shake him and tell him that she's kind of a jerk. But my zoning out wasn't a huge problem because Jake wasn't that interesting anyway. Mean? Maybe. True? Yes. Oh did I mention that Jake is moving to Alaska in 3 months? Right. So what's the point, I say. The flirting between TOIL and Spiky Girl continues. Then a peck on the cheek from him to her. OK, well I kiss my friends on the cheek all the time. Kiss on the LIPS? Hey, I'm sitting right here! You know that feeling when the whole world kind of gets zapped away for a split second? I was crestfallen but not destroyed, so I just decided to actually pay attention to Jake. Closing time. Jake and I walk about before everyone else and we stand in the parking lot talking. All of the rest of everyone comes out and goes to their cars. Spiky Girl says to TOIL "I'm following you, right?" Grrrr. Go home, Spiky Girl! No sooner had I thought that and Jake kissed me. Yay, hot guy kissing me, right? Yay? No. The boy kissed like a snake. Jake the Snake. Tongue before lips. And then he didn't do anything interesting with his tongue. Just back and forth. What am I supposed to do? How do I contribute to this? So whether TOIL saw this or not, I don't know. But it was cold and windy and I was without a jacket. Jake keeps saying he wants to hang out with me some more and I'm all, no I'm super tired, I have to go home. Whew! Well, he doesn't get my number or anything but he says he'll see me out tomorrow night. I confirm that I'll be out in the same place, so just look for me. Go home. Sleep.

Saturday: Jessica and I went shopping. Shopping rules. As does Jessica. Then I went down to Dallas to meet my friend Mike from Austin (Kessy!!!). Just for the record, he is just as cool and funny and sweet as he seems. And very tall. But he contends that it's only because I am very short. Ha! Love that guy. So as soon as I get back from Dallas, I go straight to the bar. I'm not there 15 minutes before someone buys all of the regular alcoholics a shot. Great. For me, shot + beer = drunk. I can do one or the other and be fine, but as soon as they mix, I'm toast. So the night goes on. TOIL is busy and when he would walk by, a hand on the shoulder, a poke in the arm, just general acknowledgements. This makes me happy and makes me forget Spiky Girl. Hell, it makes me forget Jake, too (who never showed up, by the way). I was sitting next to Jessica playing this stupid game and being very loud, but on accident. I'd catch myself and try to keep it down. Eeps! So TOIL stops by our corner of the bar because he has been helping the other end. I extend my right hand and I say "TOIL, you're so far away tonight!" And he grabs my hand and says "I know sweetheart, I'll come visit later" and then he kissed my hand. Anyone watching my face during this.....if they didn't know how I felt before, there was no hiding it now. I'm pretty sure I just melted with the biggest, goofiest grin ever. And it was just a little peck on the hand! Sigh. He has the softest lips. I hope you still have that puke bucket handy from a few posts ago. Anyway! Being the perfect human that he is, he keeps his promise. When business slows down, he comes out to say hi to Jessica and me. He puts an arm around each of us and we both hugged him except Jessica let go and I didn't. Which is fine. He just stood there with his arm around me and talked to us for a minute. Then I kind of back up and say "You always smell so good. Even after you've been working. I've never been around you when you didn't smell really good." Then he tells me how sweet I am and gives me another squeeze. At this point, I kind of put my face right in his neck to get another whiff of whatever that dreamy smell is and I took a nibble. I couldn't help it! It was delicious, though. Damn. I'm almost inclined to apologize to him tonight, but I'm not sorry. Not even a little bit. I guess I'm sorry if I made him uncomfortable. He didn't turn around and say "What the hell??" or freak out or anything. But like I've said before, he is the nicest guy ever and would never be mean to me. Especially now that I think he's starting to get the idea that I dig him. He just kind of laughed like part "hey that tickled" and "whoa, didn't see that one coming." But he didn't run away, so I'll take that as a good sign. I think at that point, he pulled away but somehow ended up holding my hand, which I will totally take. So it was the end of the night, so we left.

Sunday: Tonight is karaoke, so I'll be out there again tonight for a couple of hours. Last time they had karaoke and I was there, he said he liked how I sing. SIGH! Wait. I believe his exact words were "Oh my GOD, you sing great!" He even knocked over his beer cheering for me. That was rad. That was before I was in love with him, though so I didn't spontaneously combust. I am a complete wreck over this guy. I need to keep it together or I'm going to freak him out. That's what Mark says. And he knows a lot. Possibly everything. OK, update on tonight's shenanigans later. The End. For Now.