The Twilight Zone of Sports

I don't understand. This is like that time that time I woke up right after I re-decorated my room in all black and white and I thought I was color-blind. Completely disoriented, didn't know which way was up. Thank goodness for that stupid green hat. ANYWAY!

Hockey first. So, the Stars have been out of the playoffs for a couple of weeks. The Avs, my second favorite team, just got eliminated from the playoffs. So who do I root for in Ye Olde Stanley Cup Playoffs? The CALGARY FLAMES, BABY! How else could I possibly re-pay a deed as cherished and honorable as eliminating the Dead Wings? Number one all season long and they got eliminated by the freakin Calgary Flames. It's a beautiful thing, I tell you. So now, not only am I not rooting for my #1 or #2 team, I'm rooting for a Canadian team! I know what The People are thinking. Canadians started the whole damn thing! You should be rooting for the Canadians anyway! All I have to say is, nobody gives me more crap about Dallas having a hockey team than Canadians. The sport does not belong to you because of geography or because you can play outside 9 months out of the year. We have air conditioning and the technology to freeze water long enough for a hockey game, so just get off your very cold high horse and enjoy the fact that everyone loves "your" sport. It's OK. We can all play! Really. Anyway, so um, Go Flames! Burn 'em up!

Basketball: My poor Mavericks were eliminated. So who do I have to root for now? Well, I could go for someone in the East, but really, I want a team who can actually win in the Finals. So we're down to Spurs vs. Lakers and Kings vs. Timberwolves. First of all, I'm supposed to hate the Kings. They beat my Mavericks all the time. But. They have cool owners. Just like us! They have relatively un-famous players who really kick ass. JUST LIKE US! I can't help but see the similarities. We do seem to be lacking some neckbeards (tm Mark), though. So I guess in the Kings vs. Timberwolves, I have to take the Kings. Even though the T-wolves have had an amazing season, I just don't care about them. Spurs vs. Lakers. This is a tough one because I hate both teams. I'm supposed to like the Spurs because they're from Texas, you know, and so am I. I'm just so tired of them winning. The perpetual whine of a fan whose team has yet to make the Finals, I know I know. So that's why I hate the Lakers, too, right? Not so much. I hate the Lakers for the same reason I hate the Dead Wings: their fans are obnoxious. Now, this can be seen as incongruous since I am a Dallas Cowboys fan. That Snickers commercial with the Cowboys fan taunting that one guy from the NY Giants? Not really too far off the mark. But I am a Cowboys fan in Dallas. We can all be obnoxious together and not bother anyone else. Am I saying that you cannot be a Lakers fan outside of LA? Basically. I have nothing relevant or substantial to back that up. It's just the way I think things should be. If I go to a Cowboys game in say....San Francisco....another town that presumably gives a rip about their football team....I may wear my jersey to the game, but I'm not going out in it later so I can taunt 49'ers fans. Even if we win, what will that prove? That we are a better team? No. Only that we have more obnoxious fans. What if I actually moved to San Francisco? I would still love my Cowboys right? Wrong. I would never move to San Francisco. How did I get onto football? Oh right, fans, Lakers, suck, right. So, anyway the weird part about this NBA season is that somehow, I've ended up rooting for the Kings even though they've been our nemesis all season and is also in complete disregard to my rule to hate all teams from California. My picks: Spurs over the Lakers since I hate the Spurs slightly less, and then the Kings over the T-Wolves even though that seems sort of unlikely, but still possible and then the Kings over the Spurs and then, of course, the Kings beat whoever ends up winning the East. That was one hell of a run-on sentence. I'm kind of proud! So, go Kings, I guess. And kudos to the Pistons for keeping the Nets to 56 points last night. All I have to say to that is Ha. Ha. Ha.

Baseball: Non-religious crap! The Rangers are in first place! How did that ......HAPPEN??? I have a theory, as all people who know me know....I always have a theory. I don't believe in curses, so the notion that A-Rod is a curse is out the window. I don't think he's a curse, but I do think he was a morale-basher when he was here. Not on purpose, of course, because he was always in a great mood, it seemed. For $252 million, I'd be in a perpetually great mood, too. But alas, all the money and all the feel-good philanthropic events in all of Texas could not match that feeling of winning a pennant. So there he was, the best player in baseball on the worst team. He seemed to be a bit pissed about that. I wonder if those feelings of resentment were conveyed to his teammates? Was the team not talented? Of course they were! Hank Blalock hit the home run that won the All-Star game (to which he was elected by the players and coaches) that won the AL home field advantage for the World Series. We had a lot of young no-names that can play some ball. But all anyone ever talked about was A-Rod and how poopy it was to play on such a crappy team. Talk about a morale killer. So A-Rod goes to the Yankees. I like the guy, but good riddance. And now, it seems, this black cloud has been lifted. No more national attention because of this one guy. No more constant criticism and scrutiny and being under this magnifying glass. I'm not saying the guys couldn't take the pressure, but really, this was a team of relative no-names. They need time to grow and cultivate their chemistry. And now, all of a sudden, here "we" are, first place. Sure, it's all a bunch of no-names (except for that Soriano guy), but I think that's the way we like it. We had Palmeiro and Pudge for a long time and they sort of worked their way up in the MLB world and I think some of these guys have the potential to do the same thing. Blalock, Texeira (who has the coolest name ever), and The Gambler are some of my favorites. Oh, and a bunch of guys whose names I can't remember right now. This is the most I've said about baseball, like, ever. Seriously. So, go Rangers! They may not finish in first, but at least we got off to a great start. I'm super-proud of them. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

The End. For Now.