Stupid!

Stupid: I have my DSL modem, but I can’t use it until June 4th. I suppose it’s all for the best since that’s one less thing I have to un-hook and re-hook up when I move. My dialup has decided to test my patience infinitely in the mean time.

Even more stupid: The hard rock station here in Dallas, The Eagle (KEGL) 97.1 is no more. I guess the Powers That Be at Clear Channel thought those call letters should stand for “Keegles” instead. Because only people who are capable of those exercises will be the ones listening to this station now. If they can stay awake. Before, we had AC/DC. Now we have Michael Bolton. Before: Can’t Drive 55. After: Greatest Love of All. Why would they do this? We already have a snorefest of “Lite rock favorites without a lot of interruptions” over at 103.7 if we wanted to go to sleep. We don’t have any other contemporary rock station in this area (that I know of). And to add insult to injury, they named the station Sunny 97.1. SUNNY! Are you #*^&^%*ing kidding me??? Could these two themes have been any more polarizing? Clear Channel Executives, I have this to say to you: You will get a massive backlash from this. You are probably a bunch of old men who thought you could get more advertising dollars from being “sunny” instead of being “edgy.” No more Hooters commercials for you! Oh, and your suit is ugly. Or maybe you’re a bunch of post-menopausal women who think the world is just too dark with all the yelling and bodies hitting the floor. Maybe you cringe when someone says “hell” and you think what this world needs is more Celine Dion. Know who needs more Celine Dion? CANADA! I’m not the biggest fan in the world of yelling and such but GEEZ do we really need another station like this sugary sweet, safe-for-the-whole family schmaltz??? Offend me, dammit! Let’s go see what song is playing right now. I Hear a Symphony by the Supremes. Oooh, they even have on their website what has played in the last 20 minutes or so. The worst of the worst: I Wanna Know What Love Is! (paging Philip Michael Thomas), Shining Star (Fading…..fast…..), You’ve Got a Friend (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………….). If I weren’t asleep, I’d be deeply offended.

The stupidest: Al Gore. What are we going to do with you? The Day After Tomorrow is just a movie. The only message it has is “Buy more popcorn, but not too much soda. There’s a big tidal wave scene coming.” Go make out with your wife or grow a goattee or something. Maybe I can make a big stink about it and get Fox to give me a private screening. You can all come! All the popcorn you can eat! Small cokes, though. Listen. Here’s my rant on global warming. The climate of our dear Earth is indeed on some sort of a schedule. Just like a pendulum, it swings back and forth. Ice Age to more tropical times and back to icing. This is gradual. Very gradual. It will not happen in one day. And if you honestly think that anything we twiddly little humans can do will somehow affect that pendulum is positively ludicrous. Oh? What’s that you say? Greenhouse gases? Are you kidding me? Do you know what the biggest producer of greenhouse gases is? Volcanoes. And volcanoes have been spewing these gases into the atmosphere for millions of years. Do you really think 100 years of industurial revolution can have more of an effect? Speaking of the industrial revolution, it’s been what, a hundred years or so? Know what else has been going on for about 100 years? Collection of meteorological data. How can we possibly know the climate as it has been for eons with such a miniscule piece of evidence? Layers of rock. Ice cores. And those things suggest gradual fluctuations except for that massive meteor that allegedly wiped out the dinosaurs. I say allegedly because there are some decent alternative theories out there, but that is for a different column. I mean, I’m still all for the meteor theory, but it’s good to have an open mind about things. LIKE GLOBAL WARMING! And yes, I’ve actually researched this at length. If you’d like to see the paper, I’m sure it’s around here somewhere. I went into that paper with a crusade in mind. Out to prove that us humans are mean and dirty people and we should stop with this greenhouse gas nonsense! Well, look how I came out on the other side. I’m not saying we should just pollute the hell outta the Earth and do as we please. I totally think we should all be responsible about our emissions and look for alternate energies, use recycled goods as much as possible all the green-huggy-tree-cakes we can do. But don’t be using global warming and movies about catastrophic climatological changes to further your cause. That’s just scare tactics. Appeal to people’s sensibilities instead of their fears. The fact that Mr. Gore came out in support of this movie for these reasons make me take him even less seriously than I did before. Go make a big deal about your recycled paper towels! Go make a big deal about the new hybrid SUV from Ford I keep hearing about! Not this idiotic movie. Come on! I think he has good intentions. I can't really fault him for that. I guess I should thank him. Thank you Mr. Gore, for the internet! Without which, I wouldn’t even get to write this happy little rant! (I know “Gore invented the internet” jokes are old, but I still think they’re funny. Hee!)

The End. For Now.