ER Season Finale Spazzy Recap

If you don't watch ER, then this post will probably bore you immensely. If you DO watch ER and you haven't seen the season finale, this is the longest spoiler ever. Fair warning.

OK, I'm going to be recapping the final 43 minutes of the ER season finale. It's on commercial right now, so I can babble for a minute. I realized how much fun these are back in college when I lived with my roommate Emily. We were watching a movie on TV and she had a meeting to go to, so on her way out she says "Let me know what happens!" So I hand-wrote about 7 pages of recap for her. Needless to say, she was expecting more of a "they hooked up at the end" rather than 7 pages of my rambling, but she liked it. Also, if you want a much funnier and a tad more linear recap, try Television Without Pity website.

OK, it's back on. So far, this poor woman almost got chopped in half in a traffic accident. She basically got rear-ended violently by a large yellow truck that got rear ended by a very fast-moving sedan. Not her car...HER! At first I thought she got cut in half, but apparently she was only MOSTLY cut in half. Oh what a relief. Now her kid is spazzing. If he dies, I swear this show has just gone over the top where depressing is concerned. First Kerri's wife dies and her dead wife's family wants custody of their son, then Carter's unborn child dies. The only good that can come out of that is that maybe we don't have to deal with Kem as much. Her preachy judgmental tirades are oh so old. Ooooh and the guy who hit the mom and her son was high...tsk tsk...see what drugs can do to you? Maybe this is the "Just Say No" PSA episode of ER. "You need surgery." Well no duh, Luka! Maybe to, oh I don' tknow, reattach the lower half of her BODY?? But alas, I am no doctor. I don't even play one on TV. Hm wonder where Chen got that shiner. She said she ran into a door, but I bet her dad socked her. He's a whacko like that. Man, I feel for Abby. Just like her, everyone assumes that I'm a massive idiot because I'm not 67 years old and don't sound like I've smoked a pack and a half for the past 20 years. OK, so what hospital really lets the dad in the trauma room while his kid is getting shocked because his lungs collapsed? Seriously. Let's bring you in to see your only child bloody and near death. Great idea! Ooh and Sam's ex is a total smarmy creep. Took Alex out of school. Got high (part 2 of the PSA). Playing video games with some random guy with a motorcycle helmet. Kick his ass, Sam! OK, commercial. Good time to proofread.

And we're back. Kerri's lawyer is not exactly the most positive person. I realize he's just trying to be realistic for her. And here's where we get preachy again. Yes, Kerri, we get it, homosexual parents need rights, too. The world is so BLIND! I guess it's easy for me to say since I don't have child custody issues (knock on wood) nor am I gay. Don't move to Dallas, you creep (Sam's ex)! I assure you, we have our fair share. Aw, Abby and the old man made a connection! He was an algebra teacher for 37 years and thinks it's all for nothing and Abby tells him that she's sure he had impact with many students. They're bonding! Now Elizabeth is working on Half-Woman with her hands all in her guts. Now we're back to the boy. He's been coding on and off for 40 minutes! Chen says he's gone. Carter must save him! He's doing some complicated heroic procedure. And of course it works because Carter knows all too well what it's like to lose a child (and it also happens that whenever a doc on this show wants to keep going after everyone else wants to quit and use some "crazy" procedure, it works 99% of the time). That story line was awful with Carter losing his son. I hate you ER writers! OK, here's Pratt asking Carter about Chen. Pratt thinks it was her Dad, too! So it seems obvious which means we're wrong. And we're back to the jerk who hit Half-Woman. Whining about how he has no opportunities and wah wah wah and Pratt, you're black and you forgot your roots and I'm the good guy here because I'm an ass and you're a successful doctor. Whatever, homeboy you should be proud of Dr. Pratt. He's proof that you don't have to give in to stereotypes. OK, now Neela is apparently having a crisis because she's stopped on the side of the road smoking. Huh? Now Sam and Alex are moving? Like right now! Alex is pretty pissed about it. Oooooooooh you don't call your Momma a bitch! She let loose on him the way she should've, though. Oh good, Half-Woman is OK! Aw, she had to have her legs amputated! How sad! Geez this show is just awful. I know this is just a show, but I could never work in the medical community, especially in an ER. Abby is missing a letter? Oh how sweet! Abby tracked down one of Old Man Algebra's students! To tell him how important he was! Awwwwwwww we love teachers!! Yay! Oh no, back to the custody hearing. Mr. and Mrs. Lopez are both retired and good health. Kerri has no relatives. Hm, she didn't have much time to speak. But she's having her say now. I hope you feel guilty, Mrs. Lopez! Back to the preaching. Gay people love each other just as much as straight people. Now you know. Commercial.

Sam and Alex are all calm now but still packing. He has reluctantly given in. Who is he calling? Dr. Kovac. Said his mom's freaking out and he needs to come over. Oops, Sam catches him and he hangs up. Back to Neela. Oooh she looks CUTE! I love that suit! Pink button down and dark matching jacket and mid-length skirt. Back to spaz-boy. He has a tear in his throat, but he's stable. Ouch, the dad just asked Carter if he has kids. Oh good, the Mom and the son are in the same room. Oh, Abby found her letter.! Back to Neela. Apparently, Neela got assigned to some fancy hospital. So that's her crisis. She doesn't think this is what she wants. Dermatology??? Eh, she's quitting anyway. Abby passed her boards!! Yay! She's so happy! Finally, a happy moment on this godforsaken show!!! And we're to Neela again. She doesn't think she can do it? Withdrawing from the residency program! She misses the ER maybe? And we're back to Mr. Algebra! Aw, another student! Old Man Algebra asks if Abby will be his nurse tomorrow. She says she won't be his nurse, but she'll be there. Just ask for Dr. Lockhart. YAY DR. LOCKHART! Sam is totally making a run for it. And here's Luka! Save the day, Luka!!! How awful it must be for Sam to feel like she has to run away from that creep just because he won't go away. Listen woman, Luka totally digs you and he's HOT! And a DOCTOR! Are ya stupid? Pratt and Chen. Oooh it WAS her dad. Pratt wants to take her to dinner to talk. How sweet! He's still her friend. Taking drunk guy to jail. I don't know why Pratt and drunk guy are exchanging respect nods. Huh? Pratt's giving Chen and Burger Guy a ride home. A very angry white man is having some yelling issues with the car-load. Road rage is bad. Very bad. Oh, Burger Guy, don't flip him off! He's already angry! You know they're going to get into an accident. It IS the season finale after all and there's only 3 minutes left. OMG! ANGRY MAN IS TOTALLY SHOOTING AT THEM! Driving is not that important, people! HOLY CLIFFHANGER! Please don't kill Pratt off. He is totally hot. And Chen was just starting to defrost! COME ON ER WRITERS!

Whew. Good episode overall. Minimal death. Hey, I don't think anyone died the whole episode!!! Unless someone in the car-load is dead, but technically we don't know if anyone's dead until next season, so it doesn't really count. I say Burger Guy is dead and Chen and Pratt are critical. That's my call. Whew! That was some turbo typing! If this thing seems disconnected or random, well that's ER's fault. Normally, I'd say it's all me because I am not the most focused person in the world, but I was typing as the show was going on, so in this case, I think I can sufficiently shift the blame. Right? OF COURSE! I should totally do another one of these for 24. That'd be super-fun, but I'd have to only write on commercials because I love that show way too much and I am GLUED when it's on. Ooh more on that later. 24. Not...glue. This thing is way long as it is.

The End. For Now.