All I want for Christmas is a day off

Good news: I got all my presents wrapped (except for one that Gabi insists on helping me with. Awww!)

Bad news: I still have two very hard people to shop for left to get presents for. Gah. Just make it clear, People! What is it you seek??? And I keep hearing about how this Christmas season, sales are down. Now, are they actually DOWN or are they just not as high as expected? Because if you were at the mall I was at on Saturday, you would beg to differ with that statement.

Good news: I get to sleep in tomorrow! Yay!

Bad news: I'm leaving tomorrow for my parents' house and I haven't packed yet.

More bad news: It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Now this is no big for you up north and for those of you accustomed to frozen precipitation. But I don't HAVE ice radials! Whatever those are. I mean, it's supposed to only accumulate on grassy areas which means that the roads should be fine, but people on the other hand, are stupid. And I'm going north so it'll just get worse as I go. I just have to leave in order to arrive before the sun goes down, so that's about 3 or 4-ish. I know it's positively awful up north what with all the high temps below zero (I simply cannot imagine) plus snow measured in inches and feet. But you Yanks are used to it, right? I hate winter. I guess Texas is the place for me then, since it's only winter for like, 2 and a half months at the most (half of December, January, and February). You northerners like to scoff at our cold weather wimpiness, and that's fine. We'll talk again in July when you're all wimpy because it's 95 degrees, OK? Deal? Deal.

So I had my last day of work this week today. That was nice. Cramming 5 days worth of work into two days. But at 4:55 when my co-worker, who can't seem to verify any information on her own, asks me to verify some more information that she has 100% access to, I got to tell her no. NO! I refrained from, "Well, if it's in the system, why don't you look it up yourself?" I just said, sorry, it's 4:55 and I'm out of the system already. I mean, that bugs. A lot. I discussed this with the maternal figure and we came to the conclusion that she probably does it because if something goes wrong, it's not her fault. It's mine because I verified it. See? That sucks. Good thing I'm so awesome and I hardly ever mess up. I really don't know how to get her to stop asking me for information that she already has, though. And I mean like, 10 times a day. If I rip into her, she will apologize to the point that I'll be sorry I ever said anything. Even if I tell her gently, there will be constant apologies. Gah, another thing that drives me batty. Apologizing incessantly. Just say it once and move on and fix it! And don't apologize for things that aren't your fault! And don't apologize if you really don't mean it! Don't say it just because that's what you think that person wants to hear! Most of you are probably reading this and thinking, "Well, duh!" but seriously, some people just don't get it. In fact, we're probably friends because you get basic things like this. You know. Among other things.

OK, sleepy time. I made Gabi go to bed on time, so I'd be wise to do the same. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases (north of the Mason Dixon Line, anyway) be white.

Sugar Plum Fairies and Snot Bubbles

I should totally be wrapping presents right now. But what am I doing instead? Clickity-clack writing my blog! It was (oh-so-gently) pointed out to me that I have not written in "forever!" OK! I'm sorry! Christmas...well, I've decided to like it this year, so there's lots of business. Y'know?

And I've also been quasi-sick. I mean, not really sick because it's just allergies causing a plumbing problem in my head. It was REALLY bad last week when I was basically in a fog with all the congestion. This week has been much better, but I still have that snot-bubble. You know what I mean. The one that just won't go away! Sometimes it's clear and you're fine and you're sure it's all gone and then you breathe a certain way and BAM! Total blockage! And then you have to make this awful sound to get it to go away again? You know what I mean. Oh I think you do. So I've been fighting the snot bubble for about a week. And then the other day, I wake up and all of a sudden, I'm positive I'm going deaf. When I talk, it's like I'm in a barrel. And when I do things like brush my hair, brush my teeth or eat...it is SO LOUD! But I can barely hear ANYTHING outside my head! Like, I have to be looking directly at you and pretty much read your lips to understand anything. I'm OK at work on the phone because I have a headset and it's right there in my ear. So my Mom comes into town on Saturday to go Christmas shopping with me and I tell her that I can't really hear a lot (I have felt the need to tell everyone so they don't think I'm totally insane), and she said that sometimes the congestion can settle into your ear passages since the whole nose and throat thing is connected to your ears. Now, I'm not totally sure how that works, but I know this much: it sucks to have snot in your ears.

So back to my favorite thing to do fully clothed: SHOPPING! Man, for some reason, my Mom and I just love to go shopping on the most heinous days. It's like we're warriors and we fear nothing. So we go out to Grapevine Mills which is this huge outlet mall. I mean, you can get good stuff cheap, it is so awesome. I got my leather jacket there like, 3 years ago for $40. A NICE leather jacket with all the buttons and everything! And real leather, too! So obviously a great place to do Christmas shopping. I felt like I cleaned out Bed Bath & Beyond. We had a FULL shopping cart! It felt so good to get almost all of my Christmas shopping done in one store, though. And as we were heading out to the rest of the mall (we carted all the stuff out to the car before proceeding any further), I noted how oddly quiet such a crowded mall was. I was just so AMAZED! There were people everywhere and and all I could hear was a quiet murmur. I think it was just that the kids were too tired to scream and run around (no really, no screaming kids). Oh yeah, and I had snot in my ears so I couldn't really hear anything anyway. But the time it took us to find a parking spot was way out of proportion to how well the crowd inside behaved. I was truly amazed. No screaming kids, no cranky old ladies, no slow walkers hogging the walkway. Yay Christmas! (Time for the Santa hat!)

Anyway, Jessica came over tonight because she's leaving for New Orleans tomorrow and we had to exchange los regalos before she left. And oh yeah, Origins jackpot, baby! She got me this white tea body wash and body cream and ooh la la and this neato wash cloth and mmm I'm gonna smell so good tomorrow! Oh, and she got Gabi this little Disney coin sorter which...of course she wants to use as a chemistry set. But Jessica convinced her that no really, it's to keep your money in and it helps you count it! So that's good. Every bit of change that Gabi collects goes into a savings account for college and yeah, she's cute so old people love to give her dimes and stuff. Not that she'll really NEED a college fund because, naturally, she'll get a full scholarship to MIT where she will become a world-renowned scientist. Of something. I'm sure. I mean, let's face it. The kid's a genius.

Anyway, when Jessica came over and I told her about my temporary deafness she said she was wondering why my TV was up so loud. I had no idea. It sounded perfectly normal to me. Oh well! But she did tell me that I should hold my nose and blow and maybe the pressure would be relieved. So I tried that and WOW! It's not totally clear, but I think some progress was made. It made this weird crackling noise and kinda hurt, but I think I can hear more. Maybe? We'll see how loud that toothbrush is when I go to bed, I guess. I mean, I don't know how else to clear this up so might as well try it, right?

So we had our office Christmas lunch today. I thought we were only going to have that dreadful dinner, but I think the boss felt kinda bad about that and decided to take us to lunch as well. That was nice except that I was facing this huge window and the glare was almost unbearable. So the people in front of me are basically just shadows. So I can't hear them and I can't read their lips. GREAT! How can I be my charming self when I can't even communicate properly? Anyway. As our little Christmas gift, we all got these gorgeous throw blankets with our district logo inside a huge navy blue Texas shape on a red background. I mean, custom made, very lovely.

Man, there is nothing on except CSI Miami. Shut up, David Caruso with your MTV start/stop cam added for drama. Cut it out, would you?

Urgent health alert for Aleve? Could cause an increased risk of heart problems? Uh, yeah if you eat the stuff for breakfast and you have hypertension. Why is this "urgent"? I just don't get that. There is no reason to cause alarm in gullible people who don't realize "could cause" and "increased risk" are phrases used to cover the drug companies' collective ass just in case something happens. I guess the public should know so that people in the high risk demo can maybe check with their doctor or lay off the pills, but is there reason to cause alarm in people by using the words "urgent" and "health risk"? The risk is so small.

This allergy stuff is probably being caused by all this nasty wind. I mean, it was 73 degrees today, but I couldn't enjoy it because of the 30 mph winds blwing all the dust around and, horror or horrors, tangling my hair! Unacceptable! Man, two cold fronts on the way! The second one is "knifing" its way south. Is that the official meteorological term, Mr. Weather Man? It's supposed to get horribly cold, but from what he just told me about the temperatures up north, I might as well be living in sunny Mexico (that's "exotic" Mexico for all you Amazing Race fans). I mean, Vermont had a high....a HIGH of negative 7 degrees. Now THAT is unacceptable. And further proof that I could never live any further north than, oh say, Tennessee. Unless it was the coastal Northwest. They've got that whole warm ocean current thing working for them. And it's been my experience that there is a coffee shop literally on every corner. And not just Starbucks. I remember being quite wired on that trip because every time I turned around, there was another coffee shop with an enticing new flavor.

Hm, let's see. Do I have any gossip? Well, not about anyone I know, I don't think. But Friday, when I was out at the bar, this couple sitting around the corner from us were interviewing this other guy for a threesome. My friend Emily (not redhead Emily, blonde Emily) was totally eavesdropping and figured it out. When she told us, I was all, "I was wondering why she was telling this guy who was clearly not her husband what her bra size was...right in front of the guy who WAS clearly her husband." But of course, I couldn't HEAR anything because I'm temporarily deaf, but I could read some lips occasionally. I was just amazed. Like...do people really DO that? Just have threesomes with strangers? I mean, this guy was not attractive in my opinion. The couple was pretty fit and this guy....wasn't really. And the couple was relatively attractive and well....he wasn't really. I mean, that's just so WEIRD! Did they find him on the internet? Do they do this all the time? From what I could tell, they seemed pretty comfortable with it and pretty well-prepared which led me to believe that they had definitely done this before. I'm not being judgemental, but this is my personal opinion: Oogy! And she totally made out with this guy in front of her husband. I'm sorry, that is just something I don't get. Just....OK whatever.

CK update: Jessica says that I am very good at being aloof. It gets easier every week. Yay!

OK, I really should go wrap some presents seeing as it's Christmas in 5 days and I'm leaving for my parents' in 2 days and tomorrow may be spent shopping. Or maybe Wednesday. Who knows! I hate not knowing exactly what's going to happen! But alas, this Christmas is going much more smoothly than those past, so for that I am very thankful. And since I may not be back until after Christmas, I'll just say it now. I hope everyone has a lovely and joyous holiday, whatever holiday you may choose to celebrate. As for me, it will be Christmas so I will go ahead and say MERRY CHRISTMAS! May you get all the peace and love that you wished for. Because....that's all you asked for. Right? RIGHT?

Sick Sucks

Sick sucks. I don't even know if I'm actually sick, but either way, this is so not cool. The worst part is that I might be losing my voice. You see, I am OK with a stuffy nose for there are drugs for that. I am OK with headaches, for there are drugs for that. There are not drugs that can get my voice back in 20 minutes. And for those of you that only know me in my pixellated form...if you think I TYPE a lot, you should hear how much I can manage to talk. Even when there is no one around, I will find something to talk to (usually the TV). I mean, my voice is not totally gone. It's just kind of quiet and airy and when I laugh, it's downright inaudible. Sucks. I hate it. And this also means that I'll probably have to miss work tomorrow. Normally, that wouldn't really matter, but I missed last Monday too. But on the other hand...I have 85 hours of sick time so I refuse to feel bad about using 8 of that, especially when I can neither answer the phone or discuss business with my colleagues. Sure, there's email, but that doesn't really fix my phone problem.

More bad news: Cowboys lost to the SAINTS! The Saints, who had previously only lost to Arizona, beat my beloved Cowboys. Good bye, playoffs. It was nice pretending that we might have a chance with you. So this is usually the part of the season where I move on to watching the Packers for their playoff hopes. The bad news there is that they are currently losing to DETROIT! Geez, this is terrible. And now it's snowing in Green Bay, not that there's a huge shock in that revelation. Snow is pretty. On TV. When it is far far away. Yay!!! GB TOUCHDOWN!!! Man, I just love how that whole stadium completely freaks out when they score a TD. I love how the players jump up into the stands. The fans truly love their team, as they should. No owners with questionable motives. For the owners are the fans. What an amazing phenomenon the Packers are.

Wow, I can get a Jaguar for $399/month??? Sign me up! Wait. They want HOW MUCH for a down payment? Um. OK. I'll stick with my Hyundai just a wee bit longer.

Hm, I was wondering why the football players were all wearing fanny packs. Like, what could they possibly need to cart around? Chapstick? Playbook? And then I realized that they're little hand-warmers! How clever! Yes, I am easily amused. Why do you ask?

More later. I have to go pick up the bambina. Toodles!

Just updating you about nothing in particular...

So. Friday. I went to my office Christmas party. It was some dinner theater something or other. The dinner was some beefy thing with some saucy stuff and peas (blech) and rice. The rice ended up being pretty good. Then I realized that there were exactly 7 people under 50 years old (not that there's anything wrong with that) in the whole place and they were all at my table. Ah, no wonder I didn't need a knife for the beef. And then, the "follies." Man, this thing is supposed to be about CHRISTMAS, not how insurance rips you off! It was fun until they got all "social commentary" on us, which was about two songs into it. And I couldn't bail. I mean, our boss paid a lot of money for us to go to this thing. And it lasted three hours. A three hour tour...... Felt like it. But the cool part was, I actually kind of dressed up and did my hair and stuff. So when I walked in (15 minutes late, of course), my boss turns to his girlfriend and was all, "Do we know her?" Hee! That was his little backward way of saying I looked nice. So, yay, little shot of confidence because my boss is pretty snarky.

So after THREE HOURS of the boredom and madness, I booked. I turned around to my boss and was like, "Do I have to stay and socialize?" He deadpans, "Run while you can." So I said some quick goodbyes and lied about meeting "some people" which, as you all know, means "I have to go to the bar." I mean, I don't HAVE to, but I like to play my stupid news game and dominate and kick some ass. It's just what I do. So, I don't often brag about how fine I am, but I was looking HOT. I mean, the wine-colored velved jacket with the satin tie and the lace camisole and the wavy hair. Lookin fiiiiiiiiiiine! I was getting checked out left and right! And violated to boot. Apparently, Jessica was so taken with my lacy camisole, she just had to feel it. FOUR TIMES! Hahaha! Because, of course, all the guys were like drooling idiots over that. GEEZ! But anyway, You Know Who actually came over and talked to me. No provocation! He was all, "What's this all about?" motioning towards my fancy attire. I said, "You like it, don't you?" Hee. He looked a little uncomfortable about answering that and just laughed and started to walk away, but I grabbed his arm and said, "No no no don't walk away, I just had my office party tonight, so I'm dressed up for that." And then we made small talk for a couple more minutes until he had to take a bathroom break. And THEN after he was done, he comes back to where I am and says...."Do you know anything about the male anatomy?" After some sputtering from partial disbelief and partial amusement I said, "Yeah, I've heard a thing or two." He just looks at me and then says, "OK, um, never mind" and laughed and walked away. What the....? I don't understand, but alright. He's pretty.

And then Saturday I went Christmas shopping! Wheeeeeeeee! It's so much fun to shop for other people, even though it's kinda harder. But the fine staff at Radio Shack helped me get my dad a super cool car set in under 15 minutes. I swear, the guy was 17 and I'm completely indebted to him. So it's a car that comes all taken apart and you have to put it together. I personally prefer my gifts fully assembled, but guys are weird. And they smell good. Usually.

Sunday, I dragged out my Christmas tree. Now, I didn't put it up last year simply because I had no place to put it in my tiny apartment, so all the lights had extra time to tangle themselves. Also, it appears that a couple of years ago, I had the BRILLIANT idea to buy the lights that were in net form instead of strand form. Yeah, just try to get those bad boys untangled. JUST TRY IT! There's still an unattractive clump in the back. A very bright clump, though. So after I put the tree together and put the skirt around it and started to untangle the lights, I went to pick up Gabs at her Nana's. They were also putting their tree together. And well, instead of the usual foil-type garland, Nana uses pearly type things, which actually looks kinda pretty. Well, she had bought a bunch of pink pearls that didn't really go with her vibrant, multi-colored tree so she gave me the pink pearls! Awwww! She gave me two strands, one with little pearls shaped like roses and a shorter strand with big fat pearls. So she puts 'em in a plastic bag for us and sends us on our way. We get home, I put Gabs to bed and go back to untangling those awful net lights. I get most of the way through and decide that really, who cares? So I dig into the pearls. I'd say there's about 20 feet of the rosy pearls. AAAAAALLL up in a ball. It takes me approximately three hours to untangle it all. Luckily, I had some online friends to keep me from chewing through it. Now my tree is all pretty and pink and purple and as girly as can possibly be. Oh, and I took the big pearls (probably only about six feet) and draped them over my entertainment center. Looks goofy but I don't care. Christmas!

OH! And a very Happy Hannukah to our Jewish friends. Hava Nagila or some other appropriate saying to you! Mazel tov? Please forgive....

So I took the day off yesterday. You'd think I would've had time to sit down and write a blog or an email to a friend (Sorry, Raeli! I haven't forgotten, I swear!), but no, I was just lazy and read my magazines and took a nap. It was nice to have one day with no pressure to clean house or do Christmas shopping or go here or do that. Mental health day. Totally. And as I'm sure you'll all agree, I needed it.

And then today, Jessica came over and we had some shrimp/pesto pizza and watched THE AMAZING RACE with the best exchange in reality show history:

Adam (being the biggest drama king ever): You think I'm faking
it??? Do you want me to jump over the side of this boat to prove it to
you???

Rebecca (deadpan as hell): That'd be awesome.

At first, I so did not like her well, mainly for being with such a puss-ass momma's boy as Adam, but that line was the best. Keep on rockin, sister! And please, I beg of you, dump his sorry, abusive, codependent, bipolar ass as soon as you get back to the mainland. You can do so much better. Like, you know, someone who doesn't put tiny little pony tails on the top of his head to be "original." And for once, the abusive asshole of the show wasn't Jonathan, it was Adam, but I'm SURE Jonathan will be back with the Blue Fuzzy Hat of Fury next week. And in the People I Like News: Don and MJ....awwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! I love them! I want them to be my grandparents!!! Love Love Love! OK, enough gushing.

Hey, look! A whole post and I didn't really SAY anything! Ha! Happy Hannukah!

Sha-mon!

I'm listening to Michael Jackson's greatest hits (Courtesy of Jessica!) at work today. Geez, he is so talented. What in the world happened to this guy? When did the crazy set in? Was it after the Pepsi Incident or before? Can we really blame the fame because...Janet. She started just as young and has been famous for about the same amount of time and yet, she still looks human and seems to be able to conduct herself properly in public (oh don't give me that Super Bowl rhetoric! That was an "accident"!).

It occurs to me...do "bad" people have such pretty-sounding back-up singers? Really really bad! Makes me want to get out my Weird Al CD (Courtesy of Sevi!). I mean, I go back and forth between the MJ video and the Weird Al video in my mind, which...hilarious. You should try it some time. Michael Jackson being a tough guy vs. Weird Al holding a sub. And I mean, I can buy that zombies are coordinated enough to spontaneously break into perfectly coordinated dance sequences but...street gangs? Tough guys don't dance! (Jets and Sharks notwithstanding) And Michael Jackson, Tough Guy? Hee! OK, dude. Whatever you say. That's what I would've said at that pitch meeting. And it's not enough that a song was written to flout how someone will NOT be getting their asses kicked today and then they cast Michael Jackson as a "bad" individual, but it was the title of the entire album complete with tough-guy pose on the cover. Awesome. Or should I say.....bad!

Thriller! It's not just for Halloween any more. I only heard it once this Halloween season. That ain't right. At. All. I always expect that evil Vincent guy at the end to do that wheezing thing at the end of his evil laugh. You know what I mean. When you think something is so hilarious you can't hardly stand it and so to try to get ahold of yourself you inhale audibly. I don't think it's just me. I think you know what I mean.

Wait a minute. Beat It. Which one had the street gangs in the parking garage? Now I'm thinking it was Beat It. Well, if it is, please apply all of the mocking that I applied to Bad to this video/song. Because I mean, you can't even get it straight using Weird Al versions because.... Bad and Beat It vs. Fat and Eat It. Weird Al's wearing a fat suit in both. My god that man's a genius. I mean, so is MJ in his own right. It takes a gift to make really really successful pop over and over for 15-20 years, but it takes pure genius to make fun of that gift.

Dammit, I should get back to work. In the mean time....don't stop till you get enough. Hoo!

Cue the choir and the bright shaft of light

I have a really bad habit of having blinding revelations in some strange places. I thought you were supposed to have them in bed at 3 a.m. or on a train looking out onto a vast landscape. Not in the bathroom. One time in college, I had a blinding revelation while cooking macaroni and cheese. And another time, I had one while looking in the refrigerator. I thought my epiphanies were limited to the kitchen but apparently not. Today's epiphany brought to you by the bathroom sink.

It finally hit me today. I deserve better than what CK has "offered." [DUH! - Peanut Gallery] It's not that he's not good enough for me. I think he really is a good, smart, funny (don't forget pretty!) person when you get down to it and he is capable of treating a woman very well...just not me. Because, as a wise woman clued me in to: he doesn't hate me, but if he really dug me? Something would've happened by now. Yes, "He's Just Not That Into You" has struck again. I mean, seriously, this whole...whatever it is with him...has been going on for over a year. And Lynne is SO RIGHT! (She's used to it) I have done nothing but make excuses for him. Why hasn't he asked me out? He doesn't have a car. How come he doesn't call? He's just playing coy. Well, something (OK, Lynne) tells me that if he wanted to, he'd make something happen. And he doesn't. So he's not. And...I'm totally OK with it, strangely enough.

So much for one-word updates. Then again, this is Friday and I'll probably see him tonight. I won't make any efforts to talk to him, though. Meh. He's not into me. But he's still pretty.

Ooh and I have my office Christmas Party tonight. It's some dinner theater something or other. I'm supposed to dress "Holiday Casual." How about jeans and a velvet blazer-type thingy with a satin bow and a lacy (but not see-through) camisole? I shall look stunning. And the men! THEY WILL WORSHIP! Or something. Maybe if they could just buy me a glass of wine. Yeah, I'd dig that.