The Funniest Recaplet in the History of Recaplets

I don't know where recaplets go on TWoP after the full recap is posted, so I'm going to post it here, as well. It may violate.... something, but this certainly must be preserved since it was written by The Almighty Himself. What follows is the recaplet for the finale of The Amazing Race Family Edition:

Oh my Self, if the Weavers got My ass out of a hot tub ONCE MORE, I don't know WHAT. "Please let us find the boat," "please find us a good cab," wah wah wah, me me me, BITCH PLEASE. I've got WARS going on belowdecks, My Only Son's birthday is in less than TWO WEEKS and He's IMPOSSIBLE to shop for, and I am STILL apologizing for circus peanuts and the jackelope -- I've got nothing better to do than win a reality show for THAT squad of hypocrites? Oh HELL no, children of the earth.

So, I arranged for the Linzes to win. They seem like nice people, they ran a good race, and best of all, they didn't ask Me for shit, just did their thing and did it well. And then I had the Bransens come in second, because ditto. And then the Weavers came in third, which is more than their asses deserve for abusing their relationship with Me for material gain, but the Holy Ghost wears his Free Rolly pin around everywhere and I just didn't have the heart.

I'm going back to my lavender bubbles now. Anyone needs a list of the Great Lakes, call me. LINDA.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaaaaaahaha!

Also, anyone else notice how they conveniently left out the Weavers doing the geography roadblock? Personally, I was relieved. I don't think I could've taken them wondering where to put Mexico, much less Connecticut. Excruciating cringing would ensue! Hopefully, they Guido'd them and just told them to skip it and head to the finish line. I'm not sure that even the production crew could've endured that sort of torture. And thank goodness this edition is OVER! We had to put up with the Weavers the ENTIRE TIME!!! The next edition (FEBRUARY!!!), we get back to the real Amazing Race and it looks AWESOME! Nerds!!!!

Just Shut Up and Have a Merry Christmas!

I saw a news story earlier today about the Christmas tree outside the Capitol and how it's been called a Holiday Tree for the past few years so as not to offend anyone. Let me ask you: Who gets offended by the word Christmas? Do you know ANYONE who just despises any reference to Christmas or any Christian rituals at all? The story I saw on the TV News made reference to some "culture wars" over how to celebrate the season. And when people hear about these "culture wars," they get mad about it.

But I have yet to say "Merry Christmas" to anyone and they get offended. Because when someone says "Happy Hannukah" to me, I do not get offended. They're just being nice. I really think it is such a small percentage of people who just cannot stand any reference to any religion that has to make a big hullabaloo over their preferred belief. And those people realy need to suck it up one month out of the year. Also, those people need to stop being so damn grumpy. Seriously. Lighten up! No. Christmas lighten up! You do not have the "right" to not be offended, and I do not have an obligation to placate you! If you do not celebrate the same holiday as I do, and I wish you the "wrong" happy holiday, you can smile and just say thank you. There is no need to even inform me that you are an Atheist because guess what? I don't care. I was just trying to be nice and cheery. And if you can't deal with that, you've got more problems than just getting pissed off at Christmas.

But it doesn't really matter because I don't think "real" people get offended at being wished the wrong holiday. It seems like it's only the media and politicians who get all prickly over it. And then it starts to be a charged point for the rest of us and Lowe's starts selling "holiday trees" (who have since gone back to calling them Christmas trees). But secretly, 98% of the population really doesn't care. So is everyone happy? I'm happy. You're happy. We're all happy. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

One sentence.

Hey, I wonder how many opinions I can spew if I have to keep it to one sentence?


If you're going to drive 20 in a 45, put on your hazards, even if your only "real" problem is that you're completely retarded.

They should change the name of VH1 to CH1.

I think I seriously love Mack Brown.

I think that if you send someone a lewd and lascivious text message (or 37), you should be prepared to back it up immediately.

Nicole Richie needs to eat something and FAST!

In an effort to explain the boxing kangaroo, I have decided that some Japanese guy on crack programmed my new phone.

Dallas Cowboys are going to the playoffs this year and the Philadelphia Eagles are not, so there!

I should probably go do the dishes and take a shower now (not at the same time).