Blogger is my Therapist

OK, I'm feeling very anxious right now and I can't seem to put my finger on exactly why. Sometimes if I write, it falls out of my brain anyway so maybe we can go over some things here.

OK, um... first, my Mom is coming to visit tomorrow like she does every month. So this shouldn't make me all bejittery. My apartment is indeed a giant mess. I know I won't get to sleep in my comfy bed tomorrow night. That kind of sucks. But on the upside, there will probably be shopping on Saturday.

I have this weird theory on CK. I was out last night. And I saw him with a girl. You know, whatever. Like I don't know he "sees" other girls. I was a little jealous at first until I realized that he'll probably crush her the way he did me approximately two years ago. In a sick way, that made me feel a little better. So my theory is that he is great at being charming and finding little ways to touch you and say things to make you feel like you're the only woman in the world and then he beds you and let me tell you, he is freakin great at that. But after that? I'm not sure he knows what to do with a woman. I mean, he's had girlfriends but I'm guessing those didn't go too well. I have theories based on what I've been told about why those ended and if those theories are correct, then they support my current theory. Guess that's no real shock, but those theories existed before this current theory. I'm all about theories. The good news is, I'm actually pretty good at them. Not 100%, of course. Nobody is 100%. Anyway. I think that I feel that I'm always walking this fine line with him between good friend who will tell him the truth about his behavior and crazy-ass psycho bitchy chick. No, I don't think I'm crazy, but it seems like if I slip up just a smidge, he will most certainly think I am. And that SUCKS! Because that comes down to him not giving me any credit for doing things right, but holding me infinitely responsible when something goes vaguely wrong. It has been said that he likes hanging out with me, but he doesn't like it when I go all "drama" on him. That? Is unfair and kind of ridiculous.

***The below paragraphs may or may not be related to the above paragraph. I just kind of went off. You will know when I'm done.***

And let me tell you... contrary to what everyone seems to like to say about me, I am not a drama queen! I fucking hate that shit. That is on the level of calling me a ditzy blonde. If you piss me off, yes I will let you know about it. I won't throw my beer on you or storm out of the room slamming doors or yell for everyone to hear and I won't call and leave you a bunch of voice mails telling you how much you suck (even if you do). I'll get it out in a succinct and calm manner unless you make it apparent that you are ignoring what I'm saying. In which case, yes, I will probably raise my voice. But not so others can hear. More like so I can talk over whoever is talking over me. And if it reaches a certain level, I'll just remove myself from the situation. No, it's not a dramatic exit. It's just removing myself until things can cool off. Which I thought was a pretty good idea, until others get it in their heads that it was a dramatic "exit stage right" regardless of me stating otherwise.

And on that note, let me tell you. When I tell someone my motivations for my actions... why can't they just believe me? Why do people feel the need to tell me how I'm feeling or why I did what I did? Especially when I'M TELLING THEM TO THEIR FACE exactly why I did it? I feel like I'm living in a world where 98% of the people I come into contact with just cannot listen. And they cannot accept that they do not have me all figured out and they cannot accept that the world may not work exactly as they think it does. Geez, I guess that explains a year and a half of venting to my blog. That is just sad.

And then! Oh god, there's more. I get accused of being defensive! Well what the hell am I supposed to do? Just let them accuse me of shit I didn't do or meaning something the way I didn't mean it? Of course I'm defensive! They've drawn conclusions based on assumptions and presented them as facts. No one else is going to defend me. I might as well take the wheel and do it myself. Am I just supposed to sit there and take it? Sometimes I feel like I really understand people so well. And then there's nights like tonight when I'm completely baffled.

Also hate? When I tell someone that I don't want something or I do not like it when they do something and they intentionally do it. To be funny? Ironic? I don't know. But it pisses me off and then it looks like I'm pissed because they did what they did, when really I'm pissed because I asked them not to.... and they still did.

*** End rant. Wow!***

And then work. We have a four person department. Sounds small, but it's the biggest department we've got. And my boss's assistant... well, she'll be out "unexpectedly" for the next 3 weeks. In other words: not a vacation and very short notice. Also, my boss is going on a three-week vacation (to Australia, of all places). So guess what? Two people to do all that work. Plus our own, naturally. So yeah. That's kind of stressful. But on a positive note, we hired a temp to answer the damn phones so I don't have to. And it turns out, she's a really nice girl and we have a lot in common. I still have a shitload to do. Almost to the point where I just want to stare at the wall all day.

Sigh. And I miss Jessica. She got a new job and moved. I mean, it wasn't FAR, but she's not HERE any more. Gabi misses her too. The other night I was asking Gabi, "What's awesome?" I expected her to say, "Mommy" or "Me!" because she's not having any problems with self-esteem whatsoever. But no. She said "Aunt Jessica!" Awwwww! That really hit me in the face with missing her and then I realized that I'm a bad friend and haven't called or emailed to let her know that I miss her bunches.

And then. I get an email from Missi. Missi is friends with Debra, who was my best friend until she dumped me two years ago about this time. Yeah, my best friend dumped me. I'll try to recap quickly. We had a falling out around the time of my 27th birthday (late July 2003). After that, we pretty much stopped talking and she started dating this guy. I had met this guy and he was really great. Very independent, mature, smart, kind, funny. Around Labor Day of that year, he died in a car accident. I barely knew him, but I felt the loss of such a great person and I felt for Debra. So I dropped our disagreements. After all, it seemed petty at that point. So we consoled, we cried, I went to the memorial service with her. I thought we were patching things up. Well, Halloween 2003 was the last time I saw her. Yeah, she re-dumped me. I was very hurt since I was going through a rough time at the time and I really felt abandoned, used, and betrayed. And then in December of that same year, I got dumped by another "friend" that I had thought I could count on and everyone swears that the two incidents weren't related, but sorry. Not feelin that. So add another scoop of bitterness onto that pissed-off sundae.

So anyway, I get an email from Missi today telling me that Debra's mother is gravely ill. At this point, I am torn between feeling compassion for someone whom I cared about so deeply for 11 years and feeling that selfish twinge of avoidance. She burned me so badly, you know? Twice. I feel like such a terrible person for thinking of myself in a time like this but... you know, that whole "fool me once" thing (what happens when you get fooled a third time?). She pretty much made it clear over the past two years that she most certainly does not need me. So why would I bother popping back into her life now? And to make things even more weird? Yeah, my Mom works in the same hospital where they're keeping Debra's mother and they ran into each other last week. Awkward! My Mom said that she was very interested in the bulletin board with all the pictures of Gabi and me on it. Yeah, that conversation when my Mom told me that? AWKWARD! What am I supposed to say? I was literally at a loss. There were a lot of Um's, Oh's, and OK's. And you guys KNOW that's not normal! So anyway. I wrote Missi back and asked her to pass on my thoughts to Debra and that was about it. I feel like such a jerk, but I almost feel like I have a right to be a jerk. And two other people emailed me about the situation, as well. And I really feel like I'm being insensitive if I don't write those people back, too. Because then it gets back around that I didn't even respond to the news. I feel terrible for her, but I can't go back to being her friend. I'm very conflicted. Maybe that's the root of my anxiety.

Also, I forgot to take the trash out and I still haven't put away my laundry that I did last weekend. Undone housework causes anxiety. There is no doubt about that. I'm going to go make some South Park avatars. Maybe that will calm me down.

OK, hope I didn't bring anybody down too much. Sorry for all the anger. This is a bunch of stuff that has probably been simmering for a while and then it compounds upon itself and ends up as a giant spew of a rant. Or maybe I'm PMS'ing. It's possible. Any encouraging words would be appreciated. If you're just here to berate me, please move on. I don't need any more negativity. Thanks.