Phone Books

I hate them. Is this a silly thing to hate? Maybe. But every time I get a new one.... no wait... make that YET ANOTHER new phone book, my blood starts to boil. Listen, when I was growing up, I lived near a town of about 100,000 people with lots of little 5,000 to 10,000 towns around it. The big town was kind of the hub in the middle of all these smaller farming towns. We had one phone book that was about an inch thick and it came every September. Now I live in the Dallas area, and I have one for Lewisville/Flower Mound, one for Lewisville/Coppell/Irving, one for Lewisville/The Colony, and two Greater Dallas (A-L and M-Z). And those are just the ones I can see right at this moment. They are all different sizes and thicknesses. At work, we have an entire shelf dedicated to current phone books. No wait... come to think of it, they wouldn't all fit on the shelf, so we had to start storing them stacked on the counter.

I keep one Lewisville/Flower Mound phone book underneath my living room phone. Want to know how many times I've cracked that baby open? Never. Know why? I have the FREAKIN INTERNET! And even if I didn't, I am not so much a tightass that I won't pay 25 cents to have an operator tell me the number in less time than it would take me to flip through the phone book to find it. Do you see where I'm going here? There is no need for these any more. I mean, if Grampa doesn't have the internet and doesn't want to call his grandkids to get on the internet and find him the nearest proctologist, then Grampa can have a phone book. But these things just show up on my patio every few months. Usually, this results in my grabbing my head and whining, "My GOD not another PHONE BOOK!" I don't NEED another phone book!

How about this, "phone companies!" If I want one, I'll call you, OK? Oh, but how will I have the number without the phone book? Oh you think you are so smart. Relax! Just put the number on the bill. Or put a little insert in with the bill. I know how you guys love to waste tons of paper! And I know you have people at the ready to invade my residential space to drop them off on my door step. So maybe every August, you can put the little flyer in the bills and anyone who wants one can sign up! And leave the rest of us ALONE! They take up space, waste paper, serve no purpose.

I mean, we're all trying so hard to recycle. I've got a box at my desk at work, and I take a trip out to the recycle place every month or so. I feel guilty if I can't find a recycle box at work and have to throw a piece of paper in the regular trash can. So how come the environmentalists aren't all breathing down Verizon and SBC's collective proverbial tree-chopping necks!? Come on, dammit! Quit trying to save owls and snails and get onto these damn phone companies! Oh.... I'm onto something. OK, environmentalists: You see. If we do away with the mass produced phone books, and only the people who actually want them, get them.... well production will drop, I'd bet by at least 2/3. That's 2/3 more trees for owls! I'm just thinking of the owls here.....