Mumble Mumble

Today, on my way to pick up the bambina, I was behind this car with a shoe-polished message on its back window. I'm always curious to see who graduated or who got married or whatever. But this one said, "American Campion!" Well, I can guess at least one thing that they're NOT the champion of. Oh look, here's another thing they're not the champion of! It always amazes me when people don't catch these things, because let me tell you, there's ALWAYS someone lurking about to point out my mistakes. You know, if I ever made any. *ahem*

So anyway. I met a guy this weekend. Well, I should say he introduced himself to me at the bar. It was actually sort of funny because he was there with CK. Oooh there's a name you haven't heard in a while, eh? Anyway, so he (we'll call him J) introduces himself to me and then he turns around all, "This is my friend [CK]!" I said, "Uh, yeah I think we've actually met before." I think most guys would quit right then after noticing the smiles of acknowledgement we exchanged after that. And J DID notice because he mentioned it later. He also mentioned that he knew CK was quite the "playa." So I guess he gets points for tenacity. He did ask me if there was "history" between CK and me. I think I said something to the effect of "less history, more like a very boring, drawn out soap opera." I've realized something about the way I feel about CK. It's very love/hate. Sometimes I'm into love and adoration with him and sometimes I'm very deep into the hatred side of the scale. Most of the time, they just sort of cancel each other out into a blissful apathy, but sometimes (like this weekend), it can run the gamut in a few hours. Which makes me hate him. Anyway, so J was pretty persistent about asking me out. On paper, this guy is awesome. Former football player, degree in computer science, respects his mom, very laid back, same age as me. SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I put my finger on it pretty quickly: I didn't find myself laughing at him once. Someone once told me that I cannot hold out for that perfect guy because he is not out there. I have no problem believing that. But I really really don't think I can ever make things work with someone who does not make me laugh regularly and riotously. It sounds so cliche, but it's so true! And it's not just for guys. I hold the same standard with my friends. I cannot think of a single friend I have that does not crack me up every time I talk to them. Jessica, Emily, Melinda, Jordan, and yes, even Brad (he's gonna kick my ass for that. Hee!).* And when I meet new people, I swear if they don't make me laugh, I will never remember them. I mean, I know everyone's not like this because I've seen some really boring people hook up.

Speaking of which, last night, this couple comes into the bar. The guy is wicked hot, but is so loud that I quickly find him unattractive. His girlfriend, though.... well, how do I put this gently? My first thought was "Why even bother with a shirt?" She was wearing a black tank top so low cut (and wide-cut) that you could see where the fabric folded under her boobs. So low cut, that even the girls were staring. SO LOW CUT that we were sure that the slightest mis-step would result in an X-rated event. Well, so much for mystery. Except for the one where Brad and I wondered if she had nipples, and if so, where they could possibly be. That's how much of her breasts were showing. Honestly, I cannot even tell you what her face looked like. I know she had blonde hair (making the rest of us look bad). How desperate must you be for attention? Like.... wow. And I think they were uh... new because I've never seen anyone with natural boobs fondle themselves quite that much. She knew everyone was staring and she loved it. God, I'm so glad I have a personality. There were three other women around the bar and Jayme behind the bar. One was Jayme's sister in law that I had met maybe once before, and the other one was a woman that none of us had met before. And we were all exchanging those "wow" and "what the...?" looks the whole time. And then Booby McBoobs finally left with her loudass boyfriend and there was a hush over the bar while we all tried to process what the hell just happened. Then Jayme pulls her shirt out and looks down and says meekly, "I feel so small." Hehehe! We all did! All four of the remaining women were relatively modestly dressed. I was probably dressed the most risque, but there was not a lot of cleavage showing. I think for guys, it would be the equivalent of a man walking in and announcing he has an 8" penis and then just turning and leaving. I mean, technically, I suppose it could be a good thing, but does everyone really need to know? I mean, I've known girls to get new boobies (this is Dallas, after all) and they don't fondle themselves or let them all hang out (literally). They just feel more comfortable in a bathing suit and can find clothes that aren't so baggy on top, I guess. Eh, some things are not for me to understand.....

Like physics. And calculus. And men. Oh no. Don't you dare sit there all, "But we're so easy to please!" That is a load of bullshit if I ever heard it. "Just show up naked with a six-pack of beer." Shut. UUUUP! If someone actually did that, you'd call her a psycho. I find that many men (not all! Don't get on my case!) expect women to cater to them, but are reluctant to give the woman what she needs. I.E. "I want to play Playstation and I should be allowed to do so for hours on end, but I will not be required to pay attention to my wife/girlfriend/whatever and give her what she needs from me." That is bullshit and if you think you can be a lazy ass while your woman washes your dirty socks, don't get too comfortable, because it won't last long. And then there's the opposite of the spectrum. All they want to do is cater cater CATER! I mean, yes, at least he is making an effort. Kudos. But then we get into smothering territory. I don't know. Maybe I sound hard to please? I just want a happy medium between those two extremes of apathy and suffocation. Boys are dumb. STOP BEING DUMB! Thank you.

I hate gender issues. Can you tell? =)

OK, enough disconnected rambling. I just had to get that stuff out of my head. Yay therapy!!



*Internet friends are not included in this list because if you weren't funny to begin with, I wouldn't bother talking to you at all. The list is too long to really type out and I would inevitably forget someone and then I would get in trouble. So to save my own ass, just know that if you are reading this, I probably think you're funny. And not in a past-expiration-date-milk way, either. Although some of you.....