You know, I like to think that I have a decent grasp on the English language. I still get little tips here and there from Lynne (who somehow knows everything...I don't know how), Sevi (and he adds!) and Jessica (who teaches it for a living). But I love that feeling when you've had this amorphous thought floating around in your head but just couldn't find the words for it and then...someone says it! They just....SAY IT! And you're like, "That is what I've been trying to say this whole time!!!" And then they look at you like you have three heads because they have no idea what you're talking about. Which is why the internet is such a beautiful thing. They can't see you freaking out about it. Today's lightbulb moment came from a fancy little website called Tomato Nation. If I have read everything correctly, this is the same incredibly cool chick who also runs Television without Pity, which is probably one of my favorite websites in the world. The WORLD! So anyway, she has an advice column called The Vine. And I've been reading a special edition of The Vine in which she answered 24 questions in 24 hours (with a little help from her friends). She gives some good, easy-to-understand, you already knew it and just needed someone else to tell you advice. But anyway, I stumbled upon this little gem from "Kim" and had one of those fabled "That's what I've been trying to say!" moments:

Don't crushes suck? The worst part is that you know you are being
completely ridiculous, and yet you can't help it.

That's it! That's how I feel about Captain Kangaroo! I know it's ridiculous! I know it's stupid! Yet I can't help it! He is no good for me! But dammit if I care about the guy. OK. Hopefully, now that I've figured out what the hell is going on with me, I can get the hell over it. Haven't you ever had that happen? All you needed to happen was just to figure it out.

So only related in my mind, I had a great inner dialogue with myself over fate today. I don't even know what brought it on. Of course, I was in the car so I couldn't really write everything down. I hate it when I think of funny stuff in the car! Anyway! First of all, let me say that I don't generally believe in these kinds of things. I believe that 99% of things have a logical, natural explanation (unless it's a computer...in which case...different plane of existence all together and therefore, different set of rules). But have you ever had a conversation with a person (or maybe you ARE this person) who is just convinced that Fate is out to get them. The Fates are conspiring specifically to lead them to a certain space in life or teach them a lesson or lead them to their soul mate. As if they have a staff meeting every morning and decide how they're going to mess with your life today. But I don't think that's how it works. I think The Fates don't have staff meetings. I think they just sit around and listen to what you say. Oh! I remember what brought this on! I was STUCK in traffic. Like, SUVs on all sides, going over a lake, about to lose a lane and no exits or service roads. Total suckage. And I look over at the other side of the freeway. Empty. And I remember this one time I was in California and we were driving along that famous OJ freeway and we were cruising along at the California speed limit of 178 and we look over at the other side and they're just stopped...much like I am now. So we point out the window and say "Oh man! They are so mad! Just look at them being mad!" All the while just laaaaaaaaaughing and laaaaaaaaaaaaaughing. Well, The Fates were listening. And they said, "Oh you think that's funny, do you?" And of course, before you know it...stopped. That's when I learned that They are listening. Ever had some jackass whiz by you on the freeway when you're going 80? And you think "You jackass, I hope you get a ticket!" And then, before you know it....disco lights...FOR YOU! They make sure you learn your lesson. What I don't understand is how come 105 mph jackass doesn't get his due? Maybe he does and you just don't see it. But man, wouldn't it be nice to see it? And then, the biggest and most important example of this theory...the time the co-parent joked about a broken condom almost six years ago. We all know where that got me. THEY ARE LISTENING!!! The other version of The Fates teaching us lessons is "Oh, is that what you wish for?" Like the other day, I was wishing for a day off. Today, I'm sick so I had to go home early. See? They're LISTENING! And you just know what wishing you could lose weight will get you: a medical condition! But I think I'm learning. Now when someone is in the car and they say something about a deadly and bloody accident, I roll down the windows and wave all the bad kharma out and express to them, "They're LISTENING! Don't say stuff like that!" Hey, anyone who's in the car with me knows me well enough to know that I'm nutty in the good way. Like a Pay Day.

Random thoughts generated by the TV:

Dudes! Lost was so good. Was it not? Oh I think it was. And big ups to Jessica for translating the Korean FOR REAL and not the way that TWOP does it (which is hilarious, but wrong).

I love it when they run back-to-back political ads, one about how awful a guy is and the very next saying how wonderful the same guy is. Luckily, we only have to worry about ads for one congressional race and the initiative to build a new Cowboys stadium in Arlington. According to CNN.com both presidential candidates have spent a grand total of zero dollars for campaign ads in Texas. God Bless Texas. Truly.

I'm sorry, after seeing Richard Gere in Dr. T and the Women, I can never ever take him seriously again. And especially anything with Jennifer Lopez in it. Seriously.

Those new Burger King commercials? Creepy, wrong, and some disturbing homoerotic undertones. I'm not saying that homoeroticism necessarily is disturbing to me...I'm saying this particular brand of underlying homoeroticism involving breakfast food is disturbing. Big time.

Jay Leno: Know who won the debate tonight? Anyone who watched baseball. Badump!

Can I just say that Queen Latifah is one of the few celebrities I actually like? I hate a LOT of celebrities, but I like her. I like Ben Affleck too even though his new movie looks STOOPID. Don't worry, I hated him when he was dating J Lo. Ick. He was such a robot during that time. But then I saw Dogma again last week and decided that I didn't want to fight any more.

OMG. Shrek 2 DVD! Far Far Away Idol is one of the special features! That's hilarious. I'll have to make sure that that one ends up at my place.

Has anyone noticed that the new U2 song says....one, two, three, fourteen in Spanish? Like...huh?

OK, I'm done with TV for tonight. The only other thing I have to say is that tonight was supposed to be the season opener for my Stars. Stupid lockout. And the Red Sox lost. Stupid Yankees. Sleep now. Love!