Tips for the day...

Do not leave five year olds unattended with baby powder.

When making a grilled cheese sandwich, sprinkle a little chili powder or garlic bread sprinkle in the butter. Yum!

You should not ask someone to "hold on a sec" when they have just walked through the door and you are ON THE PHONE! For heavens sakes.


And while I'm at it, a helpful guide for giving directions:

First, give the address. It is mean to assume that your charge is too stupid to find it if your directions are bunk, which... if you're not me, they probably are. Also? Mapquest lies. It's good for basic location, but do your homework. That thing does not get updated daily, mk?

Now, give all major highways using North South East and West. If you don't "do" directionals, get a compass because you don't "hang a right" on I-35. You go North or South! The signs on major highways always utilize NSEW. And if your charge is unfamiliar with the area, make sure to clue them in on whacky tics in the route i.e. "Stay in the middle lane because the left lane ends and the right lane turns into exit only."

Exit strategy: First give the name of the exit they should take. You do this first because it gets it ingrained in their heads without any distractions. Second, give them the exit that is directly before the one they should take. This is a bad time to bring up landmarks i.e. "Look for the Hooters on your right." This is distracting to your charge and they should be watching for road signs and not headlights, ya feel me?

Advise your charge on what to do next. Left at the light? Straight at the light and take your first right? Keep it simple. The more details you give, the more opportunity your charge has to get confused in an unfamiliar area. "Did they say go past the gas station or turn right before it? Was I supposed to look for a Sonic?" Only utilize landmarks if completely necessary i.e. "Look for the two pines in the middle of the road hence the name Two Pines Lane" (an actual street in my county with two actual trees in the middle of the actual road). Keep the details minimal. Most people assume that the more details the better, but they are wrong because I am a genius.

When you get down to the residential street level, utilize the "previously" strategy from the above exit paragraph. Advise your charge which street they will turn on FIRST and then advise which street is directly before it. That way they're not rolling along at 10 miles an hour anticipating a turn. This way, they can coast along at the posted speed and know when to slow down when they see the "previous" street. It can also be good to advise how many lights and/or stop signs they will need to go through. But if you don't know, don't guess. Just say "a couple" or "a few." Also, do not fashion a guess on how far it is unless you know for damn sure. Because I have been told "half a mile" when it was more like four miles. Just say you don't know!

Now that you've gotten them to your street, NOW you can utilize landmarks. Look for the lamppost or the cow mailbox or the Beretta in the driveway. Also telling them where to park is nice.

Also, when taking down directions, write the address at the top. You will see it more often and it will stick with you. Put each direction on a seperate line. Nothing is worse than directions in paragraph form. Ick! I also like to circle "L" and "R" at the beginning of the line so that they're easy to distinguish from the road names.

Man, I meant for that to be like, five lines and I just went off, eh? Well, I just had to spread my knowledge of direction-giving because I fear there is a shortage of good direction-givers in the world. I'm good at it and I know I'm good at it because there are a lot of people who consistently call me for directions. Sometimes, you just have to go with what you're good at. Which is why I am not an accountant.

Good day! And may all of your journeys be incident-free!

PS Upon review, I sound really conceited! =)