Oh goodie! Shut up.
Oh goodie! More reader mail! Anonymous (like I don't know who you are) writes:
A.) You deserve abundant crap for watching I-Dull over West Wing.
B.) Good call on Janel.
C.) "Emmy Nods" is only a sentence if they're giving away bobblehead statuettes this year. In this case, "nods" is a noun, rendering your "sentence" nothing more than a fragment.
D.) Mmmmmm....Janel.
A) I never said I didn't. I know it's bad TV and I just can't stop!!! I need help! No, wait. I don't want help. I like Idol! They're so bad it's....it's....good! In a painful sort of way.
B) Are you saying I'm fat?
C) OK, listen Mr. Smarty Pants (that's probably what it says on your diploma, isn't it?), I have a friend named Emily. We call her "Emmy" for short. Occasionally, she agrees by nodding. Therefore "Emmy (subject) nods (predicate)" is a sentence complete with subject and verb in third person, present tense so KISS IT! If "Jesus wept" is a sentence then so is "Emmy nods." You're not the boss of me.
D) Perv.
Moving on. I realized Sunday night that They Might Be Giants were playing in Dallas. On Saturday. I totally could've gone! I spent most of Sunday kicking myself.
Friday was fun. It was The Chief's birthday and he rented out the "cigar room" in our bar. It's not really a cigar room, but if I smoked cigars, I'd do it in there. Big fat leather couches, one nice pool table (there are others in the well-lit portions of the bar) and a big screen. A big screen with TRIVIA on it! I was so stoked. So they have this game called Abused News which I'm really good at because I get bored at work and just sit and read CNN and Oddly Enough. Anyway, I got 6th in the nation! The highest I'd been before was 13th. I was so proud and making sure everyone knew. So then we moved on to the second bar that we have to go to because our bar is in a retarded city that closes all of its bars at 12 on Fridays. And I was in EYE CANDY HEAVEN! (Quick note: Lynne says that I have to change "TAFDU" to "TOFDU." "The Aussie from Down Under" is redundant and she will not stand for it. "The One from Down Under" it is. And it kind of sounds like tofu, so it's even better.) So I had TOFDU right in front of me. Just had his hair cut, too. Oh so tasty. Then on my right is TOIL. Mm mm delish. Then on my left....let's just say that now I have a face to go with that cabana boy fantasy of mine. But I will have to change his name from Miguel to Luis. I had been checking this guy out since the cigar room. He was playing pool and just being all around hot. He kind of looked like Eric McCormack but thinner and more Puerto Rican. I have got this serious Latino problem. Andrew? Latino. TOIL? Latino. TOFDU is not Latino, but he is foreign, so there's my other weakness. So here I am, meeting this Latino, foreign, hot man with an accent, no less. Did I make my move??? No. And this time it's not even because I'm a huge chicken! It's because he was only visiting and he would be returning on Tuesday. I refrained from singing any West Side Story to try to convince him to stay. But I did tell him that Tuesday would not be a good day for me since my birthday is Thursday so he would need to stay until Friday. He would just have to reschedule. He was nice and not a jerk like I assume most hot guys would be and just said he'd see what he could do. Rrowr! So after Luis the Hot left, I turned my attention to TOIL. Ah TOIL, it's been so long since I lusted after you. Ever since you got that stupid girlfriend, I've just thought that maybe it was in bad taste to flirt shamelessly with you or bite your neck. No really, she's a nice girl, I suppose. Even though she is just delaying our infinite, timeless happiness and romance. You know, no big. So as I was getting ready to leave, I give him a hug (he smells soooooo good) and ask him if he's working Thursday. It's my birthday and if he's not working, I'd love for him to come by and blah blah blah. He said he was indeed working and that I should bring along a designated driver because he would get me hammered. Not in the way I'd like, of course, but you know. I said I didn't know about conning someone into being my DD and he said he'd call me a cab. How sweet is he? And that's when I did it. I took that leap because he is now a non-threatening force in my life. I know I have no chance with him for at least a few months, so making a fool of myself will only seem like joking. Right? RIGHT??! Let's hope. So anyway, I say "Hey, if things don't work out with you and girlfriend, I'm right here." He is such a doll, as he hugs me he says, "You flatter me. You are so sweet." SIGH! I know, he's just being nice so I'll go away. So I just say "I hold back" in a cute unassuming manner. He laughed. AWWWWW! And then to prevent any further embarassment, I just cruised on and finished saying bye to everyone. Then I told TOFDU that he was a jerk for leaving and not saying bye to me when I always say bye to him when I leave first! Hmph. I don't mean to bitch at him or anything, but come on, show some common courtesy, right? Right.
Don't worry, Saturday's update is much shorter. I played trivia and got FIFTH in the nation!!! After a national ranking dry spell, not only do I rank nationally twice in a row, I best myself both times. I RULE! Just FYI. I told everyone. Even the people who don't care! OK, that's everyone, but I had to tell someone! And then I guess TOFDU had a little twinge of conscience and actually came over to talk to me without any sort of looks or nudges or hints. And he was actually pleasant and adorable. That was nice. I guess he sensed I was feeling neglected, which is good. When I'm not feeling tension with him, I feel better in general. I don't know what that says about our "relationship" but it makes that infinite patience thing seem a little more bearable.
Today: I almost got a ticket. Whew! Just barely squeezed out of it. I think it was a combination of "I pulled off the main road so you wouldn't become roadkill" and the giant "911" logo on my shirt. Unmarked white SUV. Bastards. I know, I know, for my own good. But where art thou, oh white unmarked SUV, when that no-turn-signal-usin, lane crossin, 90 mph-drivin, SOB is putting dozens of people's lives at risk to get 2 car lengths in front of everyone? Tell me THAT! It's like shooting fish in a barrel and you can't get 'em all, but COME ON at least get the dangerous fish every once in a while!! Not the sweet angelic fishies like me.
It's not that funny. Shut up.
posted by di at 7:58 PM
1 Comments:
I stand corrected. Give Emily my best.
Sincerely, Joe Klein
9:36 PM
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