What I have learned about men

January 3, 2006


What I have learned about men:
Current mood: contemplative

You know, for someone who has the male species figured out so much.... I sure am single. So here's what I think I know. I'm sure if I'm wrong, someone will be along shortly to let me know.

Things That I Know:

1. Do not use the word "feel" when speaking with a man unless it is directly preceded by "cop a." Immediately replace the word "feel" with "think" in all situations involving anything remotely emotional. If you're talking about body parts or automobile upholstery, then it's OK to say "feel." Do not ask any man to think your ass. Ever.

2. If you are having an email conversation with a man, it will immediately end if you do not include a direct question in your email. Any question that could possibly be vague or interpreted as rhetorical... you can just forget it. He's never writing you back.

3. Men say they like it when women pursue them, but that is a huge lie. Part of me even thinks that some men believe it, but I am here to tell you that it's just not true. Once a woman makes it clear that she's interested, it's over. Kaput. Chase is done and he's uninterested. Ever watch a cat when he's about to pounce on his prey, like, let's say.... a fake little mouse? I mean, would you just pick up the fake mouse and hand it to the cat? NO! The cat wants to waggle his butt and get the little sucker in sight before he tears it to shreds. The hunter instinct! It must be nurtured. Do not rob men of their primal instincts. I mean, you don't have to be a bitch or anything. Or maybe some guys dig that, I don't know. Hey, I never claimed to have them TOTALLY figured out!

4. Short. Succinct. Sentences. Whether it be on a commercial break, on the phone, on IM, via email. If they want to read a diatribe, they'll read your myspace blog. Seriously. Get to the point, no hemming and hawing, just say it! He won't say thank you and he'll probably never even notice. But he'll sure as hell notice if you never shut up. I learned this lesson the hard way.

5. If you give them some time to be an immature assholes with their friends, there is at least the glimmer of hope that they can act like a grown-up around you. He needs at least one boys-only activity or he will go out of his mind.

6. My god, they smell good.

7. They never think castration jokes are the least bit funny. Ever.

8. They say that their ultimate fantasy is for a woman to show up at their door naked, carrying only a case of beer... but if that really happened? They'd totally call the cops and have a restraining order in three business days or less. Do not underestimate their fear of psycho chicks (but alas, see #6 in the list below).

9. It does not matter how in love he is with you, he will still look at other women's boobies. He still loves your boobies the most, don't worry.

10. Hold on loosely. But don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control.

Things I have still not figured out:

1. Why they like large vehicles and/or pimped out vehicles. Just buy a nicer car, dude.

2. What the hell their deal with lesbians are.

3. Video games? Can we please not play them for over 2 hours at a time? I think I'm being generous here.

4. Why they are convinced that growing up means you stop having fun. Responsibility and cessation of funtimes are completely exclusive of each other. Do not confuse the two.

5. Not sure where the threshold lies between these two things: feeling manly when asked to fix things; feeling beatdown when asked to fix things. Oops. Used the F word. Sorry.

6. Where's the line between psycho and exciting? Because men sure act like they are scared of psycho chicks and avoid them at all costs... yet.... Listen, I'm a sharp chick, but this one completely confuses me. Maybe the whackos are more outgoing and more willing to laugh at stupid jokes. I seriously have no idea. All I know is that I see psycho chicks out on dates all the time.

7. Why they are allegedly "indimidated" by funny, smart, or sports-savvy women. They say they like these things, but again.... LIES!

Summary: Sometimes boys are so fucking stupid and I will never figure some things out (like #2 on the latter list). But I sure do like them. They smell really good and say funny things. The End.