Di-atribe

Proof that women are crazy

2010-06-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

So I heard on the radio this morning, from one Gordon Keith, a story about that van der Sloot guy getting letters from women from all over the world. He proceeded to enter this as evidence that "all women are crazy." Look Gordo, I love you, but you have to stop this. Stop perpetuating this disrespectful slur against all women. I know guys are going to say it's "just a joke." Well it may be to you, but it's not a joke to a lot of men. And the more you "joke" about it, the more validated they feel that all women are crazy.

First of all, just because you do not understand someone, that does not make them "crazy." I know sometimes people do things you do not understand. This is not a gender issue. It seems to me that a lot of people are just not making much of an effort in the understanding department & as soon as a woman does something they don't understand, they slap the "Bitches be crazy!" label on it instead of giving just a smidgen of effort in trying to figure it out. This is not even relegated to men. I hear women do it all the time in seemingly some sort of need to look cooler than other women. Sort of an "I understand you, Jimbob! Even if she doesn't!" sort of thing. But the truth is, men do mind-boggling things all the time too. And when they do, men say, "That guy is crazy" instead of "Man, all men are just crazy! That guy's proof!"

Second of all, if all women are crazy, then that is normal. "Crazy" indicates an abnormality of some sort. So if we're all the same (just like all men are assholes, right?), then there is nothing abnormal about it. Either you shut up and deal with it or you can go yell at the sky for being blue.

Third, it seems to me that the guys who perpetuate this stereotype the most are the bitterest. It's those rotten bitches that made you this way, right? It's the divorced guy. Or the guy who's stuck in a miserable marriage. Or the guy who can't seem to get a date with a good woman (I'm sure it's the women's fault for not being good enough). Look, I know it makes you sound like a "pussy" to admit that your wife is a good person or that she does nice things for you or god forbid, that you actually love the woman. But when single guys only hear you bitching and whining, they think that marriage is the deciding factor on whether a woman can be a good partner or not. I hate that stereotype. There are millions of really great relationships going on. If yours sucks, then get out and stop being such a big fucking baby.

I know some of you may be tempted to point to this and say, "This is proof you are crazy." I think it's crazy that out of this whole story, the women who wrote the letters are being painted as crazy and not the guy who goes around MURDERING PEOPLE. There are lots of broken & desperate people in this world. They don't deal with reality very well & they act in ways that you and I may not understand & that condition is not gender specific. All I ask is that we all stop it with this stereotype. Women are not catty bitches & they're not insane. Women can be and SO CAN MEN! We can all be better than this and we can still make jokes without painting half the population with the same gigantic brush. Work with me here, people.

Today was President's Day

2009-09-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

February 19, 2007

Today was Presidents Day. I asked Gabi if they had a special day at school to talk about the Presidents. I was shocked to learn that they did not! So I asked her what she knows about the Presidents. She began to tell me the story of Abraham Lincoln and how he was born in Kentucky (he was?), grew up in a log cabin in Illinois, he was our 16th President, and he's on the 5 dollar bill.... I'm like.... wow, that's a lot to know as a first grader. But she never said anything about freeing the slaves or ending the Civil War. So trying to bait her into saying that, I asked her, "What is Abraham Lincoln most famous for?" Gabi in her best "you're kind of an idiot, aren't you" voice: "Being President."

Guess I can't really argue with that.

A conversation between Mother & Child

2009-09-20T11:33:00.001-07:00

Thursday, November 02, 2006

A conversation between Mother and Child
Current mood: peaceful

A conversation we had this evening whilst watching the Mavs game:

Gabs: GOOOO MAVERICKS!
Me: Wooooohoohoohoooooo!
G: They're playing San Antonio
M: Yep. Who do we not like?
G: San Antonio
M: That's right. At all times, whether we're playing them or not. Whether it's basketball season or not
G: But shouldn't we go for the Texas teams?
M: No. They are our nemesis!
G: .......
M: Do you know what a nemesis is?
G: An arch-foe?
M: .......... Actually.... yeah.
*Dirk sinks a shot from a ball that was saved from going out of bounds by one of the Spurs*
M: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRK!!!!!
G: Uh huh. Oh yeah. He's tall. He's German. Go Dirk. Go Dirk. *complete with Cowboys pom poms*

---------------------some time passes--------------------

Phone: *brrrrrring brrrrrrrring!* [Actually, it's Beethoven's 5th, but that is neither here nor there]
Gabi's Dad: Mavs are winning!
M: I KNOW! I hate the Spurs.
D: And West Virginia and Louisville are playing. Lots of good stuff on tonight.
M: Well, I'm recording the Office, watching Survivor and flipping back and forth between that and the Mavs game, so I think I've got enough TV to watch tonight.
D: Dude. You need a TiVO.
M: Duh, Sherlock.
D: I'm going to lie to Gabi and tell her I ate all of her Halloween candy.
M: Dude, that's so wrong. *realizes Gabi is listening to my end of the conversation* She's going to be so mad at you. I can't believe you'd do that to a little kid.
D: Hehehe
M: You're going to have to tell her. I'm not going to break my baby's heart like that. *hands phone to Gabs*
G: *dubious look* Hi, Daddy.
D: [Hi baby. I hope you don't mind, but I ate all of your Halloween candy]
G: Oh. That's OK. I'll just get more next year.
D: [But you don't have any more]
G: I don't mind, Daddy. You can have it.
D: [Oh, I'm just kidding, sweetie. It's all right where you left it.]
G: You can have some if you want. I'm probably not going to eat it all anyway.

She's seven.

So as you can see, I not only have the smartest and funniest kid... but also the nicest. She's so kind and good. I can't believe I made that. Weird.

I hate Halloween

2009-09-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I Hate Halloween
Current mood: irritated

OK, I don't hate hate it. It can be fun, as evidenced by that picture of Em and me. Dressing up can be fun, although I think more of us should admit it's just a giant pain in the ass. I don't particularly like trick or treating. Maybe it's because I never really did it as a child. I guess going door to door begging for candy when it's cold and dark with small children just doesn't get me all excited. Call me a fun-ruiner, I don't care! And also, I get that kids love candy. I am not saying take away candy from the children. But Gabs has two big buckets full of candy that we are never going to eat. Plus about four goody bags. Add that on top of Easter candy, Valentine's Day candy, and birthday candy.... you guys, nobody needs that much CANDY! I need a separate storage unit just for the freakin candy. No wonder so many kids are fat. We just keep showering them with candy year-round! Someone buy the kids a book! Or a basketball! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?

I know I sound like a fuddy-duddy, but at least I'm not the Mom complaining about a "Fall Festival" production my daughter is performing in. Of course, I just saw it on the news yesterday and can't find the link now. Basically, the child comes home practicing a song for the production and the Mom flips out. It's about how Halloween is an odd holiday with its ghouls and goblins. Listen. I understand if you don't "believe" in Halloween. But pulling the kid out and insisting that all references to ghouls and ghosts be struck from the entire production is silly. And it's just as silly as people insisting that Christmas productions remove all religious symbols. Can everyone PLEASE stop freaking out over this stuff? They're little kids! I will be the first one to say that religion in schools is downright inappropriate, but pretending like Christmas isn't about religion or pretending Halloween isn't supposed to be scary.... is absurd. These people are so concerned about their children seeing something inappropriate.... why don't you teach your child what's inappropriate so they can identify it when they see it? Gabi is seven and she already tags things as inappropriate (which is hilarious, by the way... if you haven't heard the "that's just inappropriate" story, I'd be glad to tell you some time).

These holidays do have this one little thing in common, though: they're supposed to be fun for the kids. So everyone kindly shut up because... news flash.... THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! We are all going to totally make it through the holidays. Stop stressing out. If your family doesn't believe in ghosts, calmly tell your child that we don't believe in ghosts but it can be fun to pretend. Don't cry on the news about it. If your family doesn't think Jesus is the Son of God and that's where Christmas comes from, explain to your child that your family doesn't believe that, but that some families do believe that and we should respect that. But we all believe that Christmas is important family time. Don't file a lawsuit. Is this difficult? Your child.... listen closely now.... is going to take your word over everyone else's. That is scary to think about for some.... but your kids? Are going to be OK. As long as you don't board them up in your little Tent of Ideology and spray them down with self-righteousness every night.

Yeah, I know I'm most likely preaching to the choir on this one. But you know how I am with my crusades... gotta get the word out. So far we have the Anti-Lettuce Alliance (it is disgusting and you know it), the Phone Book Opposition Movement, the Pro-Grammar Coalition (stop apostrophe abuse!), The Take Responsibility for Your Own Crapass Actions Task Force (TRYOCATF?), and now the Union for Not Ruining It For Little Kids! Wow. I'm up to five. Our missions are just. And someday... we will prevail.

*Reapply self-righteousness every 12 hours for maximum effect. "I am right and you are wrong because I said so" broken record player sold separately.

I shop, therefore I think. Sort of.

2009-09-17T21:03:00.001-07:00

Saturday, April 15, 2006

I shop, therefore I think. Sort of.
Current mood: hot

I think we all have that one everyday thing that freaks us out. You know, the seemingly innocuous thing that no one else ever has a problem with. Like some people find mirrors to be freaky. I personally love them for they serve to remind me just how awesome my hair is with wonderous consistency. Some people think microwaves steal your soul and make you sterile. Hm.... maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong people..... But anyway.

Today, I figured out what every day item freaks me out. Headless mannequins. Regular mannequins were kind of on notice with me anyway considering the number of times I've turned a corner and thought they were real people. So imagine how freakish it is to turn a corner, think you're about to run into a real person, only to realize..... it has no head. Now there are mannequins that are just legs. Those aren't so bad. I'm not going to mistake those for an actual person due to the total lack of a torso. But the headless ones.... they have arms and legs and torsos... and it's an entire person except for the head! I mean, can the heads really be that expensive? Of course, after I ran into Decapitee #1, I started seeing them everywhere. Where are all the heads!? Wig shop?

Oh, and at Charlotte Russe, they had "living mannequins," which means that they hire real girls to stand in the window and pretend to be fake. That's kind of freaky, too. I'm all, "I'm staring. Can they see me staring? Do they like the staring? I mean, if they don't like it, then they are certainly in the wrong line of work. I guess it's OK to stare. I can't stare. They're freaky. Ohmygod, it moved!" At least they had their heads.

Random: When you're in the shoe section at Target, and you start to wonder why the shoes smell so bad, they don't. It's you. Go home and take a shower. Seriously. Thanks.

Deep thoughts brought about by watching American Idol. No Really.

2009-09-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

Monday, April 10, 2006

If you just BELIEVE!

I have no idea who this chick is but I freakin love her. I couldn't have said it better myself.....

Now...if you trust in yourself...and believe in your dreams...and follow your star...youll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and werent so lazy. ~Miss Perspicacia Tick

Because let me tell you.... it annoys the hell out of me when successful people tell their minions that if they just believe in themselves enough, they'll make it. Take the lyrics to Mariah's "Make it Happen"

If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want, you're gonna make it happen.

Now you guys know I loves me some Mariah, OK? But it's crap like this that makes people think that if they just close their eyes and wish really hard, it'll happen. And of all people.... Mariah works her ass off. She busted her butt to get to where she is and it is so irritating to see her touting this brand of wishful thinking.

Because then you get the people you see on the first few episodes of American Idol who cannot deal when they're told that they suck. It's almost like if they fail, they just didn't "believe" enough (second only to "Simon doesn't know what he's talking about." And you do.... riiiiiight!). No, you failed because you suck. You failed because you rode your sparkly unicorn up the hippie rainbow of bunny rabbit dreams only to be told that realistically, you don't have any talent. Just because you want it doesn't mean you've earned it. Your mom does not count as an objective judge.

Realism. It's salty. But good. Like bacon.

Of all things....

2009-09-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Of all things....
Current mood: amused

So. Gabi was telling me that her Papi took her out for lunch at the Gaylord Texan. I've never been there, so she was telling me about all of the restaurants and shops and all the sites to see there and doing so in quite some detail. Apparently, it's quite the tribute to Texas in general inside that giant dome. And then she's all, "Oh, and there was this copy of the.... oh what is the name of that thing.... it's like it's made out of clay and it's kind of crumbly at the top..... I keep forgetting what it's called....." Me: "The.... Alamo?" Gabs: "Yeah! That's it!" Me: "Geez, Gabi. Of all the things in the world you could've forgotten."

Things I shouldn't like, but do anyway

2009-09-16T21:58:00.001-07:00

Damn y'all, I was chatty in February 2006.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Things I shouldn't like, but do anyway

You know we've all got 'em. Stuff everyone hates but us. Stuff that it seems like everyone is complaining about, but you secretly keep on liking it despite social pressure. Well, I'm going out on a limb here and declaring them to the whole wide internet for all to read. Why? I have no idea. Bored? Glutton for punishment? Probably just bored. And I really like lists! So get ready to groan with disappointment, roll your eyes in discontent and make that face you make when you discover a weeks-old experiment growing in your fridge. Prepare yourself to find me positively deplorable and lose at least a little respect for me! It will be fun!

Spice Girls/Milli Vanilli/Nelson

What do I want? I really really want? To blame it on the after the rain, of course! I found the Spice Girls mind-numbingly insane when they came out until I found myself one day humming along to "Wannabe." I couldn't stop! It was so catchy! I don't want to look at them or listen to them talk or even for them to get back together. I just want those like, 3 songs they put out. And that's it. And I don't know, maybe we can put the Pussycat Dolls out of their misery because all they really are are American Stripper Spice Girls. Maybe I'll like them in five years, who knows? And then we have Milli Vanilli. I liked them when they came out and I still like them today. When they were "exposed" as frauds, I was all... well that kind of sucks for those 2 dudes, but someone still made that song and I STILL LIKE IT! Catchy, I tell ya. And Nelson.... I don't know. I never found Matthew and Gunnar all that hot like some chicks did back in the day. Blondes really aren't usually my thing and their hair was longer than mine but.... one day, I heard that "I can't live without your love and affection" song and I was surprised that I knew all the words. That was the first song I downloaded from iTunes. I'm not supposed to like 'em. But I do!

Donovan McNabb

Listen. I love the Dallas Cowboys. More Super Bowl appearances than any other team and tied for most Super Bowl wins in the league. They are the best team ever* and as a result, have the most obnoxious fans in the NFL. And as a die-hard fan of the Dallas Freakin Cowboys, I have been sworn to first and foremost hate the Washington Redskins (did you know that when it was proposed that the Cowboys become an NFL expansion team that the owner of the Redskins tried his darndest to put the kibosh on that? So, thinking that is just ridiculous, the would-be Cowboys owners, Wynne and Murchison, bought the rights to the Redskins fight song and wouldn't allow it to be played at the games until the Redskins owner backed off. That freakin rules! And that, my friends is why we hate the Redskins!) Second and subsequently, we must hate the Philadelphia Eagles and everything having to do with them. I suppose we're supposed to hate the Giants too, but like they're a threat or something. Anyway, so imagine my surprise when I realized.... I love Donovan McNabb! He's fast! He's smart! He's a downright nice guy! WHY GOD WHY! And then he goes and hates Terrell Owens. Just like me! I still hate the Eagles. But deep inside... I heart Donovan!

*And before someone corrects me, it should be noted that while the Cowboys do hold the record for most Super Bowl appearances (8 appearances, 5 wins), the Green Bay Packers have won more NFL Championships, by far, than any other team (17 appearances, 12 wins).

Ice Dancing

I don't care what anyone says, this is the most fun winter sport to watch. It's dancing! On the ICE! There's no throwing or jumping or lifting the girl. Lots of fancy footwork, tight spins, seriously fucked up lifts, and dare I say it.... DANGER! Sometimes I even get bored with figure skating because so often it seems like the artistry gets lost between the required elements of jumps and it just gets turned into who can do more triple-triples or who's going to try a quad. Show me a woman with her HEAD on the someone else's SKATE! That's entertainment, y'all.

Cheap Beer

This is so Gen-X-incorrect but.... I like cheap beer! I'm sorry! It's omnipresent and there is rarely a doubt whether a Bud Light will be over $4 or not! I mean, I like the premiums alright. Yeah, I've tried them and even liked some of them. But seriously, what breed of Yuppie gets kegs of premium beer? NONE! Every time you go to a party, it's a keg of mf'n Miller Lite! Cheap beer is the beer of parties. It's the beer of good times. I know this is some sort of sacrelige, but I do not like Guinness. And I'm willing to bet that MOST people don't, but the beer snobs among us beat the rest of us down to the point where it's just not worth mentioning any more. It leaves the worst aftertaste in the world and IMNHO has no qualities brilliant enough to erase that aftertaste. So you can just forget it. I'll take a Bud Light bottle, when you get a chance, please. I don't care if you think it tastes like "piss" (which is a really gross thing to say to someone who's about to take a drink, rude people). It tastes like beer to me and I can taste it deep in my being every Friday around 3pm.

American Idol

Is it a kids' show? A tween show? A teen show? No. It's an everyone show! It's so much fun that people of all ages love it. I know a lot of people automatically hate it because it doesn't sport a script and therefore gets lumped into "reality" TV. That's really an unfair assessment. It's more of a game/contest than a "reality" show. And oh what fun it is! Every season, they get better at how they present the show and the talent gets better. And the genius behind it is that the audience has a direct influence on the outcome of the show, therefore requiring them to become emotionally invested in the show.... which requires them to come back on a regular basis. And to FURTHER the genius of the American Idol juggernaut, they run it from January to May. Four months out of the year they saturate us with it. They pummel us with cheesy group singalongs and blatant promotional spots and bloated results shows. By the time the finale rolls around, we cannot WAIT for it to be over. But just like that ex-girl/boyfriend, a few months pass and all you can remember is the good stuff. So they make us wait 8 months for a new installation and by the time it shows up again, we're back in love with it. And I fall for it every time. Bravo, American Idol. Bravo.

Shaquille O'Neal

Strike one? Played for the Lakers. Strike Two? Kazaam. Luckily, there wasn't a third strike so I can still find an excuse to like him. And I have many. First of all, he is undeniable on the basketball court. Look at how the Lakers (now referred to as simply, "The Laker" due to Kobe's perpetual solo performances) fell apart after he left. Every time Shaq shows up, there's going to be a show. Love him on the court. Off the court, I couldn't love him any more than if he actually played for the Mavericks (which would send me into convulsions of joy only known to.... never mind). Even after becoming a massive success in the NBA, making bajillions of dollars a year, he went back to school and got his MBA. Why? Because he promised his momma. And that kind of rules. And then there's that whole thing with being a Miami Beach reserve officer. So not only does he have interests beyond basketball, he also has interests beyond amassing giant piles of money. He actually wants to do some good and not for the fame or attention or because the NBA says you must have X hours of community service. He does it because that is what he wants to do and he thinks some good can come out of it and that makes me respect him in large quantities. Also: he's funny.

Mariah Carey's Version of Def Leppard's Bringin on the Heartbreak

A song I love done by an artist I admire. I don't care if she's fruit loops in the brain, she's got pipes.

[ETA: Turns out, not the same song. Similar-sounding songs with identical titles. Jerks! Tryin to fool me....]

Television

I need for all of you TV-haters to promptly shut it. You know who you are. "I don't watch TV because there's never anything good on." Uh.... how would you know that if you never watch? TV, to me, is the ultimate medium. There is something for everyone. Games, mysteries, comedies, history, music, science, biography, fantasy, satire, you name it! And it's better than movies because if you need to get a snack or go to the bathroom, you can just wait for a commercial! Or if you have TiVo, you can just put it on pause! And I'd say in the past 5 years, there has been so much great TV. Not good.... great. And I just can't get enough. Lost, The Amazing Race, Survivor (which is finally good again after a 4 season hiatus of full-on suck), Scrubs, Veronica Mars, Arrested Development (RIP), 24 (!!!), Gilmore Girls (don't knock it till you try it!), The Office, Earl, Grey's Anatomy (did you see that last episode. No they did NOT!), and I already dared to say it... American Idol. And when was the last time you really had a good watercooler moment talking about a movie? I know our office gossip is contained to either sports (which we watch on TV!) or Lost/Survivor/Grey's. It's relatable to everyone and unlike the movies, almost everyone watches TV. I mean, I'm not dissing movies or anything, but they have sort of been lacking in quality lately (or so I've heard). Not only that, but so many shows have really elevated themselves to "movie-quality" writing, action, and special effects. I love television. It is a fascinating business and form of entertainment. It's possible that I love it a little more than I should......

OK, that's all I got for now. Proceed to berate me.

What happens when I have no internet

2009-09-16T21:44:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What Happens When I Have No Internet

I wrote this last June when we had an internet outage all-freakin-day. I don't know what I was looking for on my computer, but I found it in My Documents. I particularly like how the whole thing unravels into slobbering nonsense by the end.

___________________________________________________

Not having the internet sucks. Seriously, what did I do with myself before this? Well, according to my productivity level today, a lot. I've already finished my regular Friday work and am moving on to stuff I do just to impress my boss and it's only 10:51. Then again, I've also had 2 cups of coffee, so that may have something to do with it. You know, I've been using the internet since about the 8th grade (1989) when my Dad got Prodigy. I remember it was after my brother left for college and my Dad had converted my brother's room into a work room (which actually used to be my room when I was little, thus painted the happiest shade of yellow you've ever seen.... to this day). I remember he sat me down and showed me a bulletin board. A who what, I said! And then he explained to me that the computer is using our phone lines to talk to people from all over the world. People we'd never normally get to talk to. To which I said, "Whoa." I was thirteen, cut me some slack. He explained how you post a message and then someone comes back and posts a message to respond to your message. So I started perusing and mostly came upon a bunch of people talking about out-of-body experiences and concluded that most people on the internet were nutjobs. Such wisdom for such a tender age, hm? Then in high school, I didn't really pay attention to

OH MY GOD IS THAT THE COMCAST GUY THAT JUST WALKED IN??? Ooooh no. He's here to see me. WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT, NO LESS! Rrrrrrrar!!!

Anyway, I didn't really pay attention to the internet in HS because I was much too busy talking on the phone. Then I went to college and my parents got me a cell phone (another addiction that I'm not sure how I ever got along without) and alas, there was more talking on the phone. Now, I went to a college that has been named one of America's Most Wired campuses multiple times (I'd love to tell you how many times, but I have NO INTERNET). So everyone on campus had an email address and I'm pretty sure my dorm had internet in our computer lab, but we never emailed each other. I mean.... we all lived in the same building and could ring each other by only hitting 4 numbers and everyone had call waiting and voice mail. It was awesome. I think I used my school-issued email account like, twice and that was to email professors, I'm sure. And then... research for my papers? My god, people, I actually went to the library and checked out books! Man, it was like the Stone Age! Actually, in the latter part of my college career, I do remember doing internet research in the library computer lab. I don't think I had a private email address until 1999. Well, that's what my Yahoo profile says, anyway. That must also be the same year that I first had internet access in my residence. And here it is, six years later and I find it preposterous to go a day without checking my email. I mean, I don't obsess about it or anything, but I just feel so isolated! I say that I don't obsess about it and proceed to write an entire page about it..... ha! Actually, I just have a lot of energy in my brain that I just had to get out and I usually get it out by reading and responding to emails and reading the news and such. So now I have to occupy myself by writing letters to myself and monitoring the webcam we have set up downstairs. It is not as fun as it sounds. And it doesn't even sound that fun, but it's the best thing goin right now, so I'm just gonna roll with it. I mean, thank goodness for the radio even though it's on mute half the time when there's nothing on. Although, this morning, they did play "I love the rainy nights" which was kind of awesome and kind of sad since it hasn't rained in a very long time here. Last June, we had three days without rain. This June, we're like, 4 inches behind last year. Wowzers.

Cripes, can someone please explain to me the appeal of Love Shack? It seems like I'm the only person ever to kind of hate it. Oh, and Rock Lobster? I hate that song. Haaaaaaaaaaaate! I'd listen to Love Shack fifty times in a row rather than listen to Rock Lobster once. I don't get it. Someone, please. Explain. I just don't get it.

I hate that licking your fingers helps to separate papers. I also hate that I can never remember if that middle vowel in separate is supposed to be an E or an A. I mean, do we really need it? Really? Can't we just spell it "seprate"???

I'm practically starving, but I don't want to take lunch because I won't have the internet to entertain me while I eat. Sad? Desperate? Good planning??? OH MY GOD THIS IS TORTURE!

_______________________________________________

Coda: I found this little blurb in a document entitled "bored."

Why would the internet choose to go down just as I am requested to go downstairs to answer the phones and "work" even though all of my real work is far away at my own personal desk? Why!? Yes, the internet chooses when to give me the finger. Or shall I blame Comcast? I just want something to keep my brain busy for like, an hour while I look busy. AUGH! Connect! Connect! Connect!!! I have no work to be done at another workstation! Maybe I should've brought a book. OMG I'm only 13 minutes in. What am I going to do? Sit here and write my stream of consciousness for 47 more minutes? I'll annoy MYSELF doing that. I didn't even know that was possible.

100 Things I Heart In No Particular Order

2009-09-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

100 Things I *Heart* In No Particular Order
Current mood: thankful

Just in time for V-Day! Family and friends are a given so here goes:

1. Lip gloss
2. My cell phone
3. Gmail
4. My bed (sooooo amazing)
5. Wallace & Gromit
6. Singing (car, karaoke, shower, living room, office, whatever)
7. The Amazing Race (and following along with my atlas)
8. My optometrist (sweetest little old man ever)
9. Listening to Gabi read her books.... with feeling!
10. Buying purses
11. OK fine, shopping in general
12. Purple
13. The internet
14. Dogs
15. Cheesecake
16. Def Leppard
17. The way Gabi's nose crinkles when she's laughing really hard
18. Talking back to the TV
19. Cake (the dessert)
20. Cake (the band)
21. July 4th and the USA in general
22. Wikipedia
23. Bowling for Soup
24. Jack Bauer
25. Gum
26. Texas
27. My hair
28. Babies
29. Confidence in a man
30. Hugs
31. Sumo Ninja!
32. Kicking people's asses at trivia (which is often)
33. The letter Z
34. Watching brides dance with their fathers (tears!)
35. Iced tea
36. Monkeys
37. Onomatopoeia
38. Getting emails (bing bong!)
39. Coloring
40. Friday nights
41. Steak
42. Douglas Adams (natch)
43. Songs in minor keys
44. Palindromes
45. Waking up next to someone I care about
46. Scrubs
47. Answering those stupid surveys in the bulletins (I can't stop!)
48. Kittens
49. Rocking out with headphones on so my coworkers think I'm retarded
50. Gilmore Girls
51. How I look in red
52. Scroll wheels on mouses (mice?)
53. Out of "good" and "well", knowing which one is the adverb.
54. The Princess Bride
55. Surprising myself when I do math. Correctly.
56. Laughing so hard my face hurts and I have to catch my breath. And then counting it as cardio.
57. The fact that this part of Texas usually only has about 2 months of winter. This year? Maybe 2 weeks tops.
58. Smelling the rain and seeing the lightning
59. Cheese.
60. Listening to someone else's heartbeat
61. Van Gogh
62. Skyscrapers
63. Flowers
64. Swimming
65. Roller coasters!
66. http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com
67. Relief
68. Knowing someone owes you
69. Saying "Hee!" when anything is even borderline dirty
70. Victoria's Secret
71. Getting my hair done
72. Being independent
73. Playing games I'm terrible at just because I like to play
74. Mike Modano
75. Remote controls
76. Having a Summer birthday
77. Wine
78. Will Ferrell
79. Being friends with someone for 13 years and not giving up, even when people, events, and geography try to come between us
80. Coffee
81. My name
82. My purple suede tennis shoes
83. Tacos
84. When you just fit with someone
85. Satire
86. Pat Benatar
87. Cookies
88. Back to the Future
89. Saving the day
90. Planning something and seeing it through to the end
91. Subtle and meaningless inside jokes
92. Terrible puns
93. Bears
94. That point when you just let go and act like an idiot
95. Canada
96. Playing on the swings
97. Being so surprised that I am speechless (good surprises, of course)
98. Being able to pay for whatever I want
99. Breathing.
100. Remembering all the little things that make me happy. And the big ones, too.

Awwwwwwww.....

A conversation with my daughter

2009-09-16T21:27:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A conversation with my daughter

Di: Oh look, we got a Valentine's card in the mail. Open it!

Gabs: It's from the Sch..... sch..... um.....

D: Oh, it's from Aunt Melinda and Uncle Robby!

G: And Amethyst and Autumn! Aw what a cute picture! What is Autumn wearing?

D: A dress

G: Is it a wedding dress?

D: She's only one, darling. She can't get married!

G: Then what kind of dress is it?

D: It's a christening dress.

G: What's a christening dress?

D: It's for a baby's christening.

G: What's a christening?

D: Ask your father.

G: Why?

D: He's Catholic.

G: And you're not?

D: No.

G: How come?

D: Gabs! The questions are driving me nutty!

G: ........ What does nutty mean?

D: Augh!

Rainy Haikus

2009-09-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

Myspace post from January 22, 2006. Seemed appropriate, since it will not.... stop.... RAINING!

Rainy Haikus
Current mood: quixotic

What is this wet stuff?
Oh crap. Lost my umbrella.
Watch A-Team instead.

Don't pity me, fool.
Love when plan comes together.
Ain't gettin on plane!

What I have learned about men

2009-09-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

January 3, 2006

What I have learned about men:
Current mood: contemplative

You know, for someone who has the male species figured out so much.... I sure am single. So here's what I think I know. I'm sure if I'm wrong, someone will be along shortly to let me know.

Things That I Know:

1. Do not use the word "feel" when speaking with a man unless it is directly preceded by "cop a." Immediately replace the word "feel" with "think" in all situations involving anything remotely emotional. If you're talking about body parts or automobile upholstery, then it's OK to say "feel." Do not ask any man to think your ass. Ever.

2. If you are having an email conversation with a man, it will immediately end if you do not include a direct question in your email. Any question that could possibly be vague or interpreted as rhetorical... you can just forget it. He's never writing you back.

3. Men say they like it when women pursue them, but that is a huge lie. Part of me even thinks that some men believe it, but I am here to tell you that it's just not true. Once a woman makes it clear that she's interested, it's over. Kaput. Chase is done and he's uninterested. Ever watch a cat when he's about to pounce on his prey, like, let's say.... a fake little mouse? I mean, would you just pick up the fake mouse and hand it to the cat? NO! The cat wants to waggle his butt and get the little sucker in sight before he tears it to shreds. The hunter instinct! It must be nurtured. Do not rob men of their primal instincts. I mean, you don't have to be a bitch or anything. Or maybe some guys dig that, I don't know. Hey, I never claimed to have them TOTALLY figured out!

4. Short. Succinct. Sentences. Whether it be on a commercial break, on the phone, on IM, via email. If they want to read a diatribe, they'll read your myspace blog. Seriously. Get to the point, no hemming and hawing, just say it! He won't say thank you and he'll probably never even notice. But he'll sure as hell notice if you never shut up. I learned this lesson the hard way.

5. If you give them some time to be an immature assholes with their friends, there is at least the glimmer of hope that they can act like a grown-up around you. He needs at least one boys-only activity or he will go out of his mind.

6. My god, they smell good.

7. They never think castration jokes are the least bit funny. Ever.

8. They say that their ultimate fantasy is for a woman to show up at their door naked, carrying only a case of beer... but if that really happened? They'd totally call the cops and have a restraining order in three business days or less. Do not underestimate their fear of psycho chicks (but alas, see #6 in the list below).

9. It does not matter how in love he is with you, he will still look at other women's boobies. He still loves your boobies the most, don't worry.

10. Hold on loosely. But don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control.

Things I have still not figured out:

1. Why they like large vehicles and/or pimped out vehicles. Just buy a nicer car, dude.

2. What the hell their deal with lesbians are.

3. Video games? Can we please not play them for over 2 hours at a time? I think I'm being generous here.

4. Why they are convinced that growing up means you stop having fun. Responsibility and cessation of funtimes are completely exclusive of each other. Do not confuse the two.

5. Not sure where the threshold lies between these two things: feeling manly when asked to fix things; feeling beatdown when asked to fix things. Oops. Used the F word. Sorry.

6. Where's the line between psycho and exciting? Because men sure act like they are scared of psycho chicks and avoid them at all costs... yet.... Listen, I'm a sharp chick, but this one completely confuses me. Maybe the whackos are more outgoing and more willing to laugh at stupid jokes. I seriously have no idea. All I know is that I see psycho chicks out on dates all the time.

7. Why they are allegedly "indimidated" by funny, smart, or sports-savvy women. They say they like these things, but again.... LIES!

Summary: Sometimes boys are so fucking stupid and I will never figure some things out (like #2 on the latter list). But I sure do like them. They smell really good and say funny things. The End.

Ten Random Things

2009-09-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

Another imported myspace post from November 20, 2005:

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Ten Things That Skittered Across My Mind Today
Current mood: amused

1) I called my Dad today to ask him about windshield wipers and headlights. You know, guy stuff. I call him on his cell phone. Here's how the conversation went....

*Ring Ring*
Dad: Hello, daughter.
Me: Hello, father.
Dad: ........Hello. Dianna.
Me: Um. What are you doing?
Dad: I'm sitting in the car. Watching NASCAR.
Me: ............... I'm sorry, what?
Dad: Don't ask.

2) I have discovered what the great mass appeal of Grey's Anatomy is to women. Besides Patrick Dempsey. You see, the show is set in Seattle so it rains a lot. This leads to lots of shots of Patrick Dempsey with wet hair. Which is pretty hot.

3) I positively love Kermit the Frog and am contemplating signing up for the Target Two Day Sale Wake Up Call, even though I will be in Oklahoma City on Friday and will not be available to shop. Just so I can get a phone call from Kermit.

4) Not being able to shop for whatever reason makes me a little sad.

5) Getting phone calls from hot guys while I'm shopping is pretty close to nirvana. It can only be topped by getting a phone call from a hot guy while shopping while actually devouring a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Naked activities notwithstanding.

6) Cowboys won. That's right. Three in a row, baby. I didn't injure myself with any super-silent victory dances like I did last Monday, though. Man, that was a good game. Eat it, Philly.

7) I am getting on an airplane early Wednesday morning with my adorable child and I have yet to pack. I kind of contemplated which clothes I should bring. I hope that counts. Maybe I should be packing right now instead of writing on myspace? Hmmmm.......

8) Both Lost and Veronica Mars are airing new episodes on Wednesday. This is very upsetting because I'm going to be out of town and I have yet to catch up to 2003 and get a DVR so I can only set my VCR to record one show and OMG WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING!?! Somebody get me a paper bag....

9) Does that paper bag thing really work or is that just a TV thing?

10) Thanksgiving is Thursday! Yay! Have a good one, all and make sure to give thanks for this and that to whomever you please. Just do it, OK? And wear expandable pants and eat lots of turkey.

Mmmmmm ..... tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurkey.......

Chrysanthemum

2009-09-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, one more:

Sunday, August 21, 2005

My Kid
Current mood: impressed

You know. There are just some moments that can really define something about someone. One little comment or action can be very telling sometimes. So tonight, Gabi and I were going over her Kindergarten newsletter. Please observe the following passage from said newsletter:

This week, we will be discussing the letter Mm. Mm is the m-m-m sound (yum). Some Mm words to practice: mat, man, milk, mad, me, mother. You may also try distinguishing words that end in Mm if you find your child is ready.

At this point, I turn to Gabs and I ask her, "Can you think of any words that end in M?" She looks up as if she's thinking. I figure I'd better think up some words that end in M too, just in case she can't think of any. I mean, she's 5 and she can read, but spelling is kind of the next step and I'm not sure if she's ready for that yet. I mean, she's only been in Kindergarten for a week and two days. So I'm thinking, She'll probably say Mom, you know, because I'm here. And then there's Pam, her aunt and then Kim like Kim Possible... hm... normal words.... arm, ram, rim.... lamb, even though I'd have to explain why those silly English boys insisted on putting a B on the end, even if you can't hear it. And then.....

Gabs: Chrysanthemum.
Me: *blank stare while my mouth falls wide open* .....wh.....what?
Gabs: *very matter of fact* It's a flower.

That's my kid.

Hey guys? What's going on in this blog?

2009-09-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

So I guess it's time to come back to Blogger after being away at Myspace. I'm reading back on my myspace posts & I'll be moving some of them over here for nostalgia and saving stuff and whatnot. If I can jam it into 140 characters, I guess I'll send it over to twitter & not take up a whole post for it. Anyway. I miss it over here. I miss my readers. I miss barfing up words into barely intelligible sentences and stringing those sentences together to almost tell a story. So here's the first post on myspace that I thought I'd share:

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I want you back, Burrito!
Current mood: hungry

Dear Burrito,

I want you back! When I ordered you at On the Border last night, I really had no idea how much I would like you. I mean, on the menu, you were everything I looked for in a burrito: diced chicken, black beans, red peppers, grilled to perfection. And you were everything you promised to be. But, I had no idea it would be too much for me to handle. I really wanted us to be something, but I just couldn't make it happen. I completely enjoyed what little time we had together. Please believe that! I'm so sorry I sent 2/3 of you back. I want you to know how painful that was for me. But now as I sit here with no food in the fridge, I just want you back. Sure, I could go out and get a new burrito, but it wouldn't be you. I hope you can forgive me.

Love,

Blonde Lady at Table 32

My New Year's Eve Shenanigans

2009-01-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

So since New Year's Eve was a Wednesday, my bar had karaoke, as per usual. I went to sing, right? Because that's what I do. I said "Flashdance," but Johnny heard "Last Dance" and oh ha ha, silly mistake. I'll sing it anyway! Wheeee! Well, Brad and Laura thought they would come up and dance with me, which is terribly distracting and I can't sing for shit when I'm laughing. Well, I'm an idiot because when I got up to sing, I left my phone on the bar. I do this all the time and don't even think about it since there is ALWAYS someone I know sitting there. My phone isn't even that super. It doesn't have a touch screen, it's not an iPhone or a Blackberry, so I don't know what would be so appealing about it. So, as you have probably guessed by now, I get back to my seat and my phone's gone. We search. I'm upset. I ask everyone sitting around us if they saw anything, including Laura's ex-boyfriend Ricky, who was sitting there the whole time. Everybody's clueless. Bartenders didn't see anything, nobody saw anything.

So I'm freaking out. Brad is so kind, he gives me like, $150 to replace the phone. I'm in tears. I go up to the karaoke dudes and I ask them to announce a $100 reward if they just return the phone to the front desk. I spent midnight sobbing up by the hostess stand just praying that someone returns it. My makeup's wrecked, I'm upset, I'm pissed off. So I go to the bathroom and clean up. I go sit back down and I'm just.... sad. Laura is like, "It's here. IT'S HERE. It's gotta be!" And I'm all, "WHO STEALS A PHONE? Who does this? $100 is way more than they'd get for it selling it, right?" I'm so upset. I don't have a landline phone, I don't have anybody's phone numbers memorized, my master list is at work. I just keep repeating "Who steals a phone?" and "Who would do this?" Ricky tries to encourage me by saying that I could just get a new phone and put the old SIM card in the new phone. I'm like, "How the hell am I gonna put the old SIM card in the new phone if the old SIM card is in my phone and I don't know where the hell that phone is right now!?" Ricky? Maybe not so smart.

I borrow Brad's phone. And I'm just calling over and over and over. I'm thinking that if someone STOLE it, they would turn it off. But it wasn't off since it would ring and ring and ring and then go to voicemail. So I'm thinking that someone just picked it up or it fell weird behind the bar or something. I'm thinking someone will see, hear, or feel something since I always have it on vibrate.

Ricky puts on his coat like he's about to leave and hugs me from behind, which is kind of inappropriate since this is the second time I've met him and we were not friendly last time, and we weren't buddy buddy friendly this time either. He is not a friend, and in fact, I've always found him to be creepy and a gross invader of personal space. And he didn't need to be touching me. However. He says to me, "It'll turn up." And then. On a whim, I reach back with my left hand.... and what do I feel? Vibrations. I stand up and turn around....

"What is in your pocket?" He's all, "Huh?" I'm like, "WHAT'S IN YOUR JACKET, DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE, FUCKER?" Again. Ricky. Maybe not so smart.

This is where the rage sets in, so details are a little fuzzy because rage does that to you.

He's all "WHAAAAAAT? I didn't do anything!" I'm like, "I felt your jacket vibrate, WHAT'S IN YOUR JACKET?" So I try to get into his jacket pockets and he falls down on the ground like a little bitch. I take this opportunity to corner him and check one of his pockets. Somehow, there materializes a wall of three men, shoulder to shoulder, in between him and me. I think it was Brad, Zack (a manager), and Josh. Again, fuzzy rage memories.

He gets up. I am yelling at him, "WHAT IS IN YOUR POCKET!?" This wall of men was in my way. Normally, a wall of men is a very good thing, but this time, I had to get around them before he escaped, because he was definitely trying to get out of this situation. They were all facing him, so they didn't see me coming. I grab him again and I think he fell down. I may have knocked his drunk ass down, I'm not really sure.

I managed to get my hands in both of his outside pockets and found nothing, but his jacket was still vibrating (yay phone). At this point, management plus a few others are there and trying to hold me back. I'm having none of it. The rage. It is powerful. So he's down on the ground like a motherfucking pussy and I manage to get my hand inside his inside pocket and pull out my phone.

"WHAT IS THIS, MOTHERFUCKER? WHO STEALS A PHONE YOU FUCKING IDIOT?" *kick to the ribs*

OK, now I'm really really being restrained. Three dudes are holding me back and Ricky* gets escorted out of the bar. My friend Brad follows him out there and apparently tackled his face into the curb and introduced his forearm to the back of Ricky's neck, at which point HE had to be restrained or there was going to be police involved. According to witnesses, Ricky was still denying any wrongdoing, even with his face planted into a curb, and even though I pulled my phone out of his jacket AND EVERYBODY SAW IT. Sheesh.

I didn't see that part because I was made to sit down and drink a glass of water by two strapping young men who were very nice and kinda cute and had nice biceps. I know they had nice biceps because they had to use those to get me to sit down. One of them told me he was scared for the other guy and the other one said after the rage cloud had lifted, he could see that I was actually kinda cute. I meant to say, "Oh thanks, my name's Dianna. What's yours?" But instead, it came out, "Who the fuck are you?" I didn't mean to. The rage has lingering effects. That guy was my new year's smooch.

So that was my NYE drama. I got my phone back, Ricky is banned from the bar forever, and I have an entire gaggle of real-life white knights whom I shall forever buy beers for (thank goodness 2 of them live out of town). Oh and I got to kiss a cute boy. So there's that, too.

*Changing the names to protect the innocent only happens when you're innocent, fuckface

My take on the ALLEGED Romo/TO story

2008-12-12T14:47:00.000-08:00

The information provided herein is not a reflection of any actual events. It is a summary of all of the information gleaned from various media outlets including (but not limited to) ESPN.com, Fark.com sports tab, and 1310 The Ticket. Actually, now that I think about it, this story may be completely devoid of any facts whatsoever.

OK so basically what happened was, TO called up Pat and Roy and were all, "Dudes, do you see this?" and Pat and Roy were like, "Yeah, I guess." And then TO was like, we have got to talk to the bossman about this, so then Pat and Roy were like, sure dude whatever, can we play Madden later? So the three amigos go in and talk to ol' Garrett and they're like, "Tony is totally picking his BFF over us!" except it wasn't really "we" so much as it was "TO." Well, Garrett was like, dudes really? And Pat and Roy were like *shrug* and TO was like *princess stomp!*

So THEN, soooooooooooomebody goes all blah blah blah to ESPN... doesn't even give the Dallas Morning News the heads up or NOTHIN. And then ESPN is all, well let's take a survey, right? They do it on myspace all the time. So this ESPN dude goes around asking a bunch of nosy questions and some players who are way nervous about people finding out that they got big flappy gums were all, "Yeah, TO's a total attention whore and never wipes down the gym equipment and splashes us in the pool. And sometimes, he even takes two juice boxes at lunch." And then Bradie James is like, "Sometimes I ref their slapfights." And then I'm all, add some pudding and I'm so there. What? Bradie James is wicked hot.

So NOW everybody thinks TO is losing his marbles and is drawing lines in the dirt all Clint Eastwood style when really he's just kind of bitching and whining, which should come as really no surprise to anyone but his sweet dear old grandmother. But really, what do you expect when you get 53 dudes who have pretty much been the best at what they do their whole lives in the same locker room, naked and sweaty with a limited supply of towels?

.......um.... what?

So here's my theory and feel free to pick it apart.... I think this is a manufactured dramatic situation to drum up TV ratings for Sunday. Was it necessary for a prime time nationwide game between division rivals who have been battling each other for playoff spots for years? I don't think so. However, we are talking about Jerry Jones here. I'm thinking he tried to get the media machine rolling with his comment about being "surprised" that Marion Barber didn't play against the Steelers. Well, when Tashard Choice stepped the hell up and played like a champ, that story died. Well now no one's talking about the Cowboys, what to do? Ah yes... the ace in the hole. The one that never fails.... Terrell Owens had a hissy fit. Hey, maybe he did. I have no doubts that the WR corps met with Garrett to discuss which plays were being called and which options were being utilized. Was it as bad as the media outlets are making it out to be? I don't think so. The media loves a good TO story, even when it's mundane and dry like that one time your mom tried to make beef jerky in the oven. This, however, is a juicy succulent filet mignon of a story with lots and lots of bacon and a pepper rub grilled up to a nice medium rare, with the juice leaking over into the mashed potatoes and.....

I keep doing that. So there's my theory. If TO is really drawing a line in the sand, all I have to say is, we've got about 5 wide receivers to get the job done. We only have one QB who can get it done, and that has actually been proven in a court of law and multiple scientific studies. Plus, one of them is a free agent after this year and the other one just started a multi-year, multi-bajillion dollar contract. So... I'd say the one with the big contract will probably be the one sticking around for the long haul. I love TO, but I love Romo even more. In fact, I would choose Romo over just about anyone except my own flesh and blood. And even then, there are some cousins I'd boot before him.

Hard Knocks

2008-09-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Hard Knocks with my friend Jessica. Even if it wasn't about my favorite team, it'd still be a fantastic show for anyone who loves football. However, I have one big complaint. It appears that Tony Romo is going to wear his shirt the entire time. Very disappointing.

This is me and my friend Penny

2008-08-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

She's from Houston. She came into town and we got pedicures and ate BBQ and then we went to roller derby. That's why I look like total ass. I was tired and I'd already sweated all of my makeup off but dammitall if I didn't have a great time with my friend Penny.

She's really awesome, btw. Like BLOW YOUR MIND awesome.

This is why I don't write fiction

2008-08-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

Jimmy woefully stroked his mullet as he glared at the overwrought "Linda" scrawled across his forearm. He thought back to that fateful August day. Was it the heat or the 27 Pabst Blue Ribbons that somehow made it seem like a good idea? He knew his cousin Willy Ray wouldn't take care of her they way he could.... his precious Ann-Margaret.... the way her shiny red paint glistened in the sun. The way her pleather seats smelled. The way her eight-track needed a good whack before it would play his bitchin tunes. The way the exhaust pipe fit his dick just right. Ah, a true gem. He had sold Ann-Margaret to Willy Ray hoping that he'd have enough cash to show Linda just how much he cared, and that he was in this for the long haul. She was so happy when she first saw it that she gave him a blow job right there on the spot, in the tattoo parlor parking lot, despite the old folks home across the street having "outside time" right in the middle of it. That's when he knew she was truly his. They were married 2 months later, even though she was visibly pregnant at the time. He didn't care, though. Jose had already gone back to Mexico to avoid his trial, so it wasn't like he was coming back any time soon.

But here he was, no car and no woman. That whore Linda had done run off with his uncle Earl right after the honeymoon and Willy Ray had taken Ann-Margaret to the lake and left her there.... at the bottom of the lake. So now it was just Jimmy, his tattoo, and a shiny new case of PBR. He hated that damn tattoo.

And now back to our regularly scheduled shenanigans....

2008-08-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Last night was "meet the teacher" night at Gabzilla's school. Third grade started today, her teacher is wonderful, everything's super. However..... while Gabi was talking to one of her friends in the classroom, I noticed a sign-in sheet next to the door. Her stepmom had already been by and signed her in, so I hadn't looked at it. I look down and there's a space for the child's name, the parents' names, a couple of other fields and at the end was a box asking how the child was going home the first day. I guess a lot of parents go pick up their kiddos on the first day and make it all special and stuff.... I don't.... I threw my snowflake to the wolves on the first day of kindergarten, but anyway.

So the last column wasn't worded very well since there was a limited amount of space left on the sheet. It just asked "Going home first day?" You're supposed to answer walk, bike, school bus, day care bus, dad picking up, etc. Out of about 12 entries at least 8 were filled in with "Yes."

I was THISCLOSE.... I mean, pen in hand close, to re-signing Gabi in and putting "NO, please keep my child overnight!"

Are you part of the problem?

2006-08-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

Here's what gets me lately. People love to complain. This is hardly breaking news (unlike the weather, which is always breaking news especially when it's August in Texas and it's 100 degrees outside.... it's so WEIRD! No one was expecting this at all!). As humans, we love to pick out patterns. And as a particularly pattern-driven person, you'd think I'd be better at math. So to apply my pattern-finding abilities, I like to observe humans and try to pick out their behavioral patterns. Maybe I should've been a psychiatrist or something.

Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Can you imagine people's mental health being in my shaky and destructive hands? Shake it off. Try not to think about it. OK. Anyway. So I've noticed the way that people complain. It seems to me, that everyone else is the problem and the complainee is the solution. Every time.

Exhibit A: "I'm so tired of the bar scene. You can never find any quality people there." So.... are you a quality person? If you are, then you're at the bar. And since I hear that complaint constantly, that means that other quality people are at the bar, too. That leads me to believe that one of three things are in play here. Either A) A vast majority of people at the bar are quality people, but all the quality people end up magically never talking to each other but instead finding every shallow deadbeat along the way, B) The quality people aren't trying very hard, or C) Everyone who thinks they're a quality person, isn't and is therefore part of the problem.

I was going to have an Exhibit B, but as it turns out, you can take most complaints and basically apply that formula to them.

Main question being: How often do you hear people admitting that they're part of the problem? I'll tell you what got me thinking about this. I was watching Last Comic Standing because I enjoy being amused. And they had Caroline Rhea come on and do a set and shamelessly plug The Biggest Loser. In her set, she mentions the way that no one can take a compliment. And she used the example of telling someone that you like their dress and they immediately either deny the dress is attractive or give you some random fact that you just didn't care about. "I got it for a dollar! At a garage sale! And I haven't even washed it yet!" And then I realized: I was part of the problem. I very rarely just take a compliment. I'm getting better at it, but I am totally Random Fact Spouting Girl. I've gotten that blank stare of "Why did you just tell me that?" so many times. I think part of it is that continuing to talk somehow takes the spotlight off of me, and another part is that I am normally very comfortable around people. It's the Cancer/Leo cusp thing. It's often very confusing for me, too. Sorry about the random personal anecdote. But it does go to show: I admitted I was part of the problem.

But how often does that happen? How often do you hear people say that they're the ones that leave clothes unfolded at the Gap after they've looked at them? Who admits that they're the people who never use their turn-signal? And even when people get CAUGHT being part of the problem... they still have every excuse in the book. There was a news story out here, closely related to the shocking... SHOCKING heat we're having. It was about a community who was put on severe water restrictions and had to let their lawns die (I know, very sad), all the while watching the brand new golf course next door water their greens three times a day. That means that at least once, they were watering in the middle of the day. When confronted about it, the golf course referred the reporter to the city. The city claimed that the golf course watering was allowed because it was considered new landscape. Wha? Severe water restrictions. No measurable rain in a month. Lakes are literally drying up. Everyone's lawn is a certifiable fire hazard. And new landscape? That's your excuse? You sir, are part of the problem.

So I have a new mission, Internets Friends. To crusade against the Real Problems. To see through lame excuses and deflections. To not only crusade against the problems, but for the solutions. And the first step in that crusade, is to admit it... every one of us... which problems we are contributing to. It must begin with us, my friends. Join my crusade, will you? My crusades against shredded lettuce and phone books are both going so well, I figure it's time to start up a new one.

Don't forget:

2006-04-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Contrary to popular belief, the Di-atribe is not defunct or dead. I have had a hell of a past six months, and the thought of sitting down to write it all down is, well.... daunting. It hasn't been anything horribly significant. One new car. Two car accidents. One quasi-promotion. A couple of whirls on the dating merry-go-round. One of which involved one of the most amazing men I've ever met. Too bad he moved 1500 miles away. So....... so much for that, I guess. Anyway. I've been plopping down little blurbs here and there on my myspace blog. I didn't mean for myspace to be so..... addictive. It may be waning, though. Anyway.... have some random thoughts for old time's sake.

Do we really need a TV movie about the bird flu? Seriously? It kind of reminds me of that movie they made a while back about what would happen if we "ran out" of oil. Geez, all of you panicky zealots with movie cameras need to promptly shut it. Hey, can we make a movie about what would happen if the sun exploded!? Or if all of the cell towers shut off? Man, talk about a horror movie.

And on Desperate Housewives? The end where they came and took Lily, and Gabby had a freakin breakdown? Wrenching. That made me boohoo a little bit. OK fine, a lot.

David Blaine needs to shut! Up! And go! Away!

Hm, so televising Oprah's Legends Ball is necessary? I mean, televising Rob and Amber's wedding was kind of pushing it, but this..... wait until a certain someone gets ahold of this.

Grey's Anatomy: Meredith? Nobody talks like that. Addison? More like it. And whatever, Derek, you don't get to be mad that Meredith's banging the vet! Puh-leeze. Also.... I don't know any men who talk like the men on this show. You can totally tell they have female writers. Seriously.

Yeah, I'm watching TV. What? You're surprised?

Also, the Stars got eliminated from the Stanley Cup Playoffs today. The #2 seed, and we got bumped off by the #7 seed. Booooo! So I guess now I'll go for the Oilers until they beat the Red Wings and then the Avs, even though they beat my Stars. I can't even bring myself to be mad about it because I mean.... we got outplayed. We played hard but that Sakic boy. He may be going somewhere with that hockey thing he does. I'm also sad that this spells the end for Modano's mad sexy playoff beard.

And also taking the sting out of it..... GOOOOOO MAVS!!!! I'm already a Mavs Fan For Life thanks to some free airline tickets. Awwwww yeah I was at that game! Freakin sweet. I mean, I still would've been one without the airline tickets. They just sort of cement the whole thing. Also, go Kings. Woot!

Hopefully, I won't be such a blog-slacker in the future and I can get you all caught up on stuff. Thanks for hanging with me.

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

2006-03-12T16:05:00.000-08:00

Quick note: I wrote this before V-Day and meant to come back and publish it on that day. Oopsies! Forgot! So I guess now is as good of a time as any, considering the approach of SBJ Day!

I know you think you already know why, but I bet you don't.

So I'm grocery shopping this fine evening. I turn the corner on the "seasonal" aisle and there it was.... a grotesque pink and red nightmare. Teddy bears whoring themselves on the shelf dividers. Heart-shaped boxes mocking everything that is good and genuine in the world. I found myself making that noise I always make when I hear a Black Eyed Peas song: one of utter disgust. I usually try to ignore this marketing nightmare, but there will always be some sort of recognition.

So why do I drink the Haterade on V-Day every year? Because I can't stand all the bitching. I know it may qualify as irony that I'm bitching about the bitching but seriously.... this is a "holiday" meant to recognize those that we love and all anyone ever does is bitch about it. Or so it seems. I guess on this day, we are all pretty much divided into three camps: singles, men in a relationship, and women in a relationship. Here's what I have to say to each of those groups.

Women in a relationship: Stop bitching. No I mean it. Your husband/boyfriend/significant other already feels enough pressure. Don't get your expectations up so high that there is nothing he could do to live up to them. Stop and just be thankful that you have someone. If you take off the pressure and just let him do what he thinks is right, you will be impressed. This is not a test for him to prove how much he loves you or for him to impress your friends. It's a chance for him to show you that he loves you. And if he doesn't love you, then you're better off breaking up and moving on now instead of dragging it out and torturing everyone in your path. If he claims to love you yet does not feel as if he has to make any effort, threaten to cancel Steak and BJ Day (March 14th).

Men in a relationship: OHMYGOD stop complaining!!! Just recognize the day! Make an effort! And don't do something just because that's what people "do" on V-Day. She is a human being, not some collective societal statistic. If she likes purple daisies, don't get her red roses just because it's V-Day. Get her what she likes. She'll appreciate that you know that she likes purple daisies. Use your brain! Not that one.... big one..... right. Up.... up..... higher.... YES! Between the ears! That one! If you use THAT one, then the other one might get some attention. Also, behave and be thoughtful and maybe she'll start recognizing Steak and BJ Day (March 14th).

And to all people in relationships: Stop rubbing it into your single friends' faces. Not cool, dudes.

Single people: I know that some single people are happy as can be to be single. I'm normally pretty happy to have one less thing to worry about. But this day.... it can tend to be rough on me. There is so much about V-Day that seems to scream, "If you're not hooked up, you are a total loser. You should fix something. What is wrong with you? Are you broken?" But whining about the day will do no one any good. In fact, I think it can only do harm. You are only making yourself feel worse. Not only that, but potential mates tend to avoid pouters. And whining that you had a boyfriend last year or you had plans last year or pining over your girlfriend that broke up with you 3 years ago.... that will only make people roll their eyes at you and possibly hate you on a short-term basis. I would say that you either ignore it all together or go out that night. I went out one Valentine's Day and it was a very strange night with Yellow Hat Guy and Non Sequitur Guy.... but all in all, pretty fun and a great way to remind yourself what is great about being single. Just... don't complain about being single. You will ruin everyone's fun.

End note: I guess I wasn't in the mood to write a conclusion that day. Anyway, V-Day turned out to be pretty innocuous this year. I tried very hard to ignore it, and for the most part, that worked. Hope everyone had a nice V-Day and may SBJ Day be just as good.

Phone Books

2006-01-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

I hate them. Is this a silly thing to hate? Maybe. But every time I get a new one.... no wait... make that YET ANOTHER new phone book, my blood starts to boil. Listen, when I was growing up, I lived near a town of about 100,000 people with lots of little 5,000 to 10,000 towns around it. The big town was kind of the hub in the middle of all these smaller farming towns. We had one phone book that was about an inch thick and it came every September. Now I live in the Dallas area, and I have one for Lewisville/Flower Mound, one for Lewisville/Coppell/Irving, one for Lewisville/The Colony, and two Greater Dallas (A-L and M-Z). And those are just the ones I can see right at this moment. They are all different sizes and thicknesses. At work, we have an entire shelf dedicated to current phone books. No wait... come to think of it, they wouldn't all fit on the shelf, so we had to start storing them stacked on the counter.

I keep one Lewisville/Flower Mound phone book underneath my living room phone. Want to know how many times I've cracked that baby open? Never. Know why? I have the FREAKIN INTERNET! And even if I didn't, I am not so much a tightass that I won't pay 25 cents to have an operator tell me the number in less time than it would take me to flip through the phone book to find it. Do you see where I'm going here? There is no need for these any more. I mean, if Grampa doesn't have the internet and doesn't want to call his grandkids to get on the internet and find him the nearest proctologist, then Grampa can have a phone book. But these things just show up on my patio every few months. Usually, this results in my grabbing my head and whining, "My GOD not another PHONE BOOK!" I don't NEED another phone book!

How about this, "phone companies!" If I want one, I'll call you, OK? Oh, but how will I have the number without the phone book? Oh you think you are so smart. Relax! Just put the number on the bill. Or put a little insert in with the bill. I know how you guys love to waste tons of paper! And I know you have people at the ready to invade my residential space to drop them off on my door step. So maybe every August, you can put the little flyer in the bills and anyone who wants one can sign up! And leave the rest of us ALONE! They take up space, waste paper, serve no purpose.

I mean, we're all trying so hard to recycle. I've got a box at my desk at work, and I take a trip out to the recycle place every month or so. I feel guilty if I can't find a recycle box at work and have to throw a piece of paper in the regular trash can. So how come the environmentalists aren't all breathing down Verizon and SBC's collective proverbial tree-chopping necks!? Come on, dammit! Quit trying to save owls and snails and get onto these damn phone companies! Oh.... I'm onto something. OK, environmentalists: You see. If we do away with the mass produced phone books, and only the people who actually want them, get them.... well production will drop, I'd bet by at least 2/3. That's 2/3 more trees for owls! I'm just thinking of the owls here.....

The Remote Is Right There

2006-01-14T08:56:00.000-08:00

Maybe someone can explain this to me. So far, seven NBC affiliates have pulled The Book of Daniel from their lineups due to complaints. About what, I have no idea. I mean, I do but I don't. Apparently, some religious types are upset that a priest's family would include a gay son, a slutty son, a drug-dealing daughter (who only sold something she found to make money for her art software), a neurotic/alcoholic wife, and a lesbian sister in law. I guess it's not family friendly enough, which I can see. OK, here's a quote from the story I linked to in the title:

[WSMV-TV General Manager] Hale said viewers objected to the language, the sexual content and the portrayal of Jesus, who appears to Quinn's character for regular chats.

OK, the language and sexual content? I can see how that may not be suitable for children (please refer to the title of this blog for an instant solution to that problem). But the portrayal of Jesus? The only thing I found offensive was that he was dressed like he was 2000 years ago! You're the Son of God! Update! But he was portrayed as a warm and kind being who was easy to talk to. I thought.... that's how these people would like for Him to be portrayed, right? I just don't understand. I have to wonder if these people even watched the show. And geez, if you have small children? I just looked up when the show was on so I could find some alternatives for those easily offended parents of small children and the show doesn't even come on until 9pm CST! So that means that it's not even on in the "family hour." Just switch over to NUMB3RS with their stupid 3 in their title if you want some good clean calculus fun. OMG send the children to bed! You people make me so mad.

Augh my blood pressure! Is it dumb to get mad about this? It's just a TV show. Yes it is. But. It's also indicative of the entitlement some people feel to push their values or way of life onto other people. And BOTH sides, conservative and liberal, are guilty of this. And it drives me up the wall. If you don't like the show, don't watch. The low ratings will kill the show. But for God's sake (hee!), the rest of us have our own opinions and don't mind a priest being depicted in a nice, real-ish (i.e. not cookie cutter, 7TH HEAVEN!) fashion who happens to talk to Jesus. And just happens to have actual problems like the rest of us. I..... I just don't get people.

Listen, this isn't the best show in the world. I'm not going to go to bat for it like I would 24 or Lost (Jesus Stick!). But people should be able to make their own decisions about what to watch. If you don't like it, I'm presuming you have more than one channel. Don't go around ruining it for the rest of us. Society as a whole is not being "poisoned" by a TV show. Unless it's Yes Dear. Why don't they complain about that one instead? Is that still on the air? There's so much more offensive things on TV (anyone watch CSI last season?). I don't get why these people are so mad about THIS show. Because it has Jesus in it? As the good guy? I just..... turn of the TV and go read the Bible. You are ridiculous and I'm taking the batteries out of your remote and making you watch Teletubbies on repeat. THEY'LL TURN YOU GAY!

Ahem. Anyway. That station in Tennessee? Got 137 voicemails. And let's say, they got the same amount of emails and letters. That's 411 complaints total. Oooh sounds scary! Half a million people live in Nashville. So what percentage found it offensive enough to complain? You do the math. I can't because it's Saturday.

What's really a crime is how Fox cancelled Reunion and then scheduled an hour of That 70's Show in its place. And then, they kept Stacked in the lineup!!! THAT'S what I'M mad about!! But alas, it is dead. RIP Samantha. You were kind of a selfish bitch anyway.

The Funniest Recaplet in the History of Recaplets

2005-12-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know where recaplets go on TWoP after the full recap is posted, so I'm going to post it here, as well. It may violate.... something, but this certainly must be preserved since it was written by The Almighty Himself. What follows is the recaplet for the finale of The Amazing Race Family Edition:

Oh my Self, if the Weavers got My ass out of a hot tub ONCE MORE, I don't know WHAT. "Please let us find the boat," "please find us a good cab," wah wah wah, me me me, BITCH PLEASE. I've got WARS going on belowdecks, My Only Son's birthday is in less than TWO WEEKS and He's IMPOSSIBLE to shop for, and I am STILL apologizing for circus peanuts and the jackelope -- I've got nothing better to do than win a reality show for THAT squad of hypocrites? Oh HELL no, children of the earth.

So, I arranged for the Linzes to win. They seem like nice people, they ran a good race, and best of all, they didn't ask Me for shit, just did their thing and did it well. And then I had the Bransens come in second, because ditto. And then the Weavers came in third, which is more than their asses deserve for abusing their relationship with Me for material gain, but the Holy Ghost wears his Free Rolly pin around everywhere and I just didn't have the heart.

I'm going back to my lavender bubbles now. Anyone needs a list of the Great Lakes, call me. LINDA.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaaaaaahaha!

Also, anyone else notice how they conveniently left out the Weavers doing the geography roadblock? Personally, I was relieved. I don't think I could've taken them wondering where to put Mexico, much less Connecticut. Excruciating cringing would ensue! Hopefully, they Guido'd them and just told them to skip it and head to the finish line. I'm not sure that even the production crew could've endured that sort of torture. And thank goodness this edition is OVER! We had to put up with the Weavers the ENTIRE TIME!!! The next edition (FEBRUARY!!!), we get back to the real Amazing Race and it looks AWESOME! Nerds!!!!

Just Shut Up and Have a Merry Christmas!

2005-12-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

I saw a news story earlier today about the Christmas tree outside the Capitol and how it's been called a Holiday Tree for the past few years so as not to offend anyone. Let me ask you: Who gets offended by the word Christmas? Do you know ANYONE who just despises any reference to Christmas or any Christian rituals at all? The story I saw on the TV News made reference to some "culture wars" over how to celebrate the season. And when people hear about these "culture wars," they get mad about it.

But I have yet to say "Merry Christmas" to anyone and they get offended. Because when someone says "Happy Hannukah" to me, I do not get offended. They're just being nice. I really think it is such a small percentage of people who just cannot stand any reference to any religion that has to make a big hullabaloo over their preferred belief. And those people realy need to suck it up one month out of the year. Also, those people need to stop being so damn grumpy. Seriously. Lighten up! No. Christmas lighten up! You do not have the "right" to not be offended, and I do not have an obligation to placate you! If you do not celebrate the same holiday as I do, and I wish you the "wrong" happy holiday, you can smile and just say thank you. There is no need to even inform me that you are an Atheist because guess what? I don't care. I was just trying to be nice and cheery. And if you can't deal with that, you've got more problems than just getting pissed off at Christmas.

But it doesn't really matter because I don't think "real" people get offended at being wished the wrong holiday. It seems like it's only the media and politicians who get all prickly over it. And then it starts to be a charged point for the rest of us and Lowe's starts selling "holiday trees" (who have since gone back to calling them Christmas trees). But secretly, 98% of the population really doesn't care. So is everyone happy? I'm happy. You're happy. We're all happy. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

One sentence.

2005-12-03T15:40:00.000-08:00

Hey, I wonder how many opinions I can spew if I have to keep it to one sentence?

If you're going to drive 20 in a 45, put on your hazards, even if your only "real" problem is that you're completely retarded.

They should change the name of VH1 to CH1.

I think I seriously love Mack Brown.

I think that if you send someone a lewd and lascivious text message (or 37), you should be prepared to back it up immediately.

Nicole Richie needs to eat something and FAST!

In an effort to explain the boxing kangaroo, I have decided that some Japanese guy on crack programmed my new phone.

Dallas Cowboys are going to the playoffs this year and the Philadelphia Eagles are not, so there!

I should probably go do the dishes and take a shower now (not at the same time).

It's a Monday!

2005-11-21T20:07:00.000-08:00

Did anyone else watch Prison Break tonight? How many times did you get the heebies? When Abruzzi was finding God and such and he was reading the Bible and he put that shiv (sp?) in his watch? I thought he was totally going to cut his wrists. Covered my eyes and cringed. And then when they drug T-Bag into the shed.... At that point, Gabi strolls through and pipes up, "That is so inappropriate." I pipe back, "Yes ma'am it is! Why aren't you in bed?" Luckily, it went to commercial after that so she didn't get exposed to anything else "inappropriate," and I had time to get her back into bed. And then when Abruzzi met up with T-Bag in the shed.... holy crap. Lots of heebies and jeebies and cringing and ACK I did not see that coming. Where did that come from!? I'll admit that I didn't see exactly what happened because my head was under a blanket. I so do not want to like this show, but I keep coming back to see what happens next. DAMN YOU FOX!

Also? Damn you FOX for cancelling Arrested Development. Not only is it horribly funny, it is subtle and satirical and smart and did I say hilarious? Hysterical. Also, I may have a weird crush on Will Arnett. He is this different kind of hot that I cannot explain. He has this incredibly sexy voice (he used to do commercial voice-overs... maybe he still does) and is just so genuinely funny. Drooooooool!!!

Oh! Oh! Know what I saw tonight? My first preview for 24!!! Hot damn does it look like it's going to be sooooooooo good! I almost could not contain my excitement! Squeeeee!!! I am so excited that I could seriously use more exclamation points!!!

And now I'm watching CSI: Miami. David Caruso is Cheeseball Deluxe. Oh the teller is so in on it. It just started, so if I'm wrong, I'll totally admit it... The only reason I started watching this was because SOMEBODY told me that Miami had the best opening theme of all the CSIs. I must say that I agree wholeheartedly. But as far as content and acting, Las Vegas is clearly the best. Sorry, Horatio! OK, maybe the teller wasn't in on it after all. Wrong wrong wrong I was wrong. And you know, Calleigh is probably one of my least favorite characters due to her horrendous Texas accent, but Emily Proctor is seriously a beautiful woman. But Adam Rodriguez is definitely more my type. MEOW! Latin with nice full lips..... Ahem.

OK, I have to go pack now. Leaving early Wednesday morning and I really shouldn't wait until Tuesday night before I throw a bunch of random stuff in a suit case and hope I get it all. Eeps! Anyway, be back Saturday. Hope everyone has a great holiday and GO COWBOYS!!!!

Shirt in Question + Pro #5

2005-11-14T21:58:00.000-08:00

Pros and Cons

2005-11-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

I recently purchased this shirt because I love The Amazing Race and I seriusly laughed when I first saw it. The site I bought it from took the picture down (booo!), but it's green and it has the symbol for a Detour right in the middle and underneath, it says "I have my own pros and cons." (www.glarkware.com by the way for people who love TV so much that they're willing to wear shirts with funny TV things on them. Kind of how concert t-shirts are for music people). Anyway. So I wore my shirt for the first time today, and I get to thinking.... What ARE my pros and cons? It's kind of hard to sit back and take a critical, objective look at yourself, but I'm going to try. The cons are just what I hear about myself from my caring and honest friends. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have any cons because let's face it, I'm fabulous.

Cons!

Con #1: My modesty.

Con #2: Sometimes, I have a hard time having a simple conversation. As evidenced by my verbose blogs and extended time spent on TSG, I've got a lot of pent-up words in my brain apparently. It's not really about anything specific. I just like to talk. But usually, it's OK because most of my friends are the same way to the point where I have to let some of their calls go to voicemail because I don't have 2 hours to talk at that particular moment. But for a new person? I think this can be kind of scary. I get that deer in the headlights look from people and I'm not sure if it means "I cannot keep up with this chick" or "My god, does it have a mute button?" or complete reverence. It's hard to tell those three looks apart.

Con #3: When I am mad at you, I could write a thesis about it. This, I find, is most bothersome to men. Men want a short bulleted list: How you were wrong, why I am mad, how you can fix it. Me? I want to tell you the entire history of the problem and exactly the events that led up to wrongdoing, why things went awry, how I understand how you could've thought it was OK (if applicable), why it's not OK, how I feel, how I'm reacting, what can be done next time to avoid this reaction, and what steps can be taken to fix this problem. Men zone out about 10 seconds into that. But I am learning! I am learning to keep sentences short and make my case in three sentences or less. Also, always replace the word "feel" with the word "think." i.e. "I feel like you are mad at me." Replace with: "I think you are mad at me." Much more man-friendly. They hear the word "feel" and it's like kryptonite to them. They go all mental like you just said "tampon" or something.

Con #4: I am "too" straightforward. I have been told that the fact that I will look you in the eye and call you on your shit is intimidating. Am I supposed to just giggle and say "That's OK!" every time someone acts like an ass to me? Twirl my hair? Bat my eyelashes? Sorry. Not that kind of girl. Men say they don't want women to beat around the bush and just come out and say it already, and when we do? It's intimidating. So uh... figure out what it is you really want maybe? This is one "con" I'm not willing to work on because it really does cut down on the bullshit time and it feels good to just come out and say stuff. But I guess it goes in the Con category because it seems like a lot of people really don't like having to answer for their crapass actions.

Con #5: I am so loud when I'm drunk. My god, I am loud.

Pros!

Pro #1: Sparkling personality.

Pro #2: Smarter than average adult bear.

Pro #3: Can talk down brick wall, if necessary.

Pro #4: Kind to animals (especially kittens).

Pro #5: Great rack.

________________________________________________________

PS I'm also going to be posting this in my myspace blog, mostly to whack the "boohoo I'm so sick" post off the top. Just so those of you that read both aren't all, "What is WITH this chick?" =)

What I'm Watching

2005-10-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

Oh how I've missed yapping endlessly about TV! I guess now that we're into the new season, I can properly pick apart the shows I'm watching now. Let's start with Sunday, shall we?

Sunday

Desperate Housewives: I don't mean to insult one of America's favorite shows but.... yawn. I know it's tough to really make the second season really pop like the first. But I think I've pinned down what is missing this season. The ladies are not quite so intertwined. Last season, they had the mystery of Mary Alice to keep them commiserating and interacting with each other. This season, how many scenes have they all had together? Not very many. So we're really not feeling that bond that they supposedly have. Gabby is pretty much handling this thing with Carlos on her own and how often do they even bring up her pregnancy? Lynette? Off in her own little world. Her apology to the rat was one of my favorite scenes, though. Hee! Bree, naturally dealing with her dead husband, hateful children, and creepy boyfriend. Not much time for tea, I guess. And Susan is really busy being neurotic over her hot boyfriend and his assault-with-a-deadly-weapon son. I mean, it just seems so fragmented. And although ratings are down over last season, it's still the second most popular show in the nation. Behind CSI, of course. You can't keep Gil Grissom down, people.

Grey's Anatomy: This is a strange show for me. I like all of the characters, except the main character! Christina? Likable because she tries so hard to be stoic and focused, but can't help letting her human side show. Izzie? I relate to her because everyone assumes I'm an idiot, too when really I actually have some working brain cells. George? Everyone loves George. The perpetual male friend who never gets laid and when he finally does, gets syphillis. Figures. Alex? Jerk, yet provides much needed comic relief. Dr. McDreamy, Dr. Bailey, and Dr. Burke all bring a welcome personality to the show. But Meredith. Every episode I find myself yelling at the TV, "My god, Meredith! NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT!" I mean, the voice overs. Fine. Tell the story. Exposit. I'm cool with that. But she seems to always have some deep life defining speech and it's like the hugerest eye-roller ever. Like this past episode when she gave Dr. McDreamy the "I love you, pick me" speech, I just couldn't stop giggling because it was so... ridiculous. If anyone talked like that in real life, YOU WOULD LAUGH AT THEM! Out loud! And for a really long time! That being said, I like it and, dare I say it, I look forward to it more than DH. There. I said it.

Monday

How I Met Your Mother: This show is ca-YUTE! OK, it's more than cute. It's funny. It has likable characters and it's written by people the same age as the characters, which is actually a really big plus. Even Barney, the dispicable skirt-chaser manages to come off as charming ("flight suit up!" haaaahahaha) and is by far, IMNHO, the funniest character. And I love how he keeps talking about his blog. And the best part? CBS actually put one up. That RULES! Anyway. The love story in reverse and the fact that he didn't meet his future wife in the first episode are both really good hooks. Good on ya, CBS! I'll even sit through King of Queens for it!

Prison Break: I'm conflicted about this show, as well. It gets compared to 24 a lot, which I am not cool with. Yes, it is a complicated plot but we kind of know they're going to get out. Or they wouldn't name it Prison Break. They'd just name it "Prison." First, the reasons I don't like it: 1) World's Worst Pedicure at the end of the premiere. I have feet issues and that had me curling my toes under for a week; 2) The conspiracy going on outside the prison walls was really slow going until this past episode; 3) There is a lot of suspension of belief required; 4) T-Bag and other assorted references to prison rape. Now the things I do like: 1) Wentworth Miller; 2) Lady Doctor; 3) Michael's elaborate plan. I am indeed curious to see how they finally get out and what they do then and if they can implicate the baddies. That could take 2, maybe 3 seasons. Right? Like I said, I find myself very uncomfortable during this show a lot. Not like 24 where I'm forced to catch my breath at the end of the hour.

Tuesday

Gilmore Girls: I just got addicted to this show over the summer. It is so GOOD! Very witty and smart and will have you laughing and crying and yelling all within about 30 seconds. I am not one to get into girlie stuff (which is what I've been told this show is), but the writing is quite well done and Lauren Graham is the most underrated actress on television. I regret not getting on board with this show earlier. Emily Gilmore is just deliciously passive aggressive and Lorelai is such a delightful smartass and Rory could be fun but she's being a real dumbass right now. I am convinced that this is all Logan's fault. He is hot, yet stupid. No go.

My Name is Earl: I love Jason Lee. I have loved him since Mallrats. And this show is completely politically incorrect and offensive but it's OK because the characters are so clueless. They mean well, so I guess the ACLU will let this one slide. It's also howlingly funny. Did I mention that? Looks like I just did.

The Office: Listen. The way I see it, if you've seen the BBC version, you hate the American version. But if you elitists could let that go and just watch this one with fresh eyes? You might like it. No, I have not seen the BBC version. I have seen the BBC version of Coupling though, and I can understand that there can be a gap. But anyway. My favorite character has got to be Pam. Jenna Fischer just has the best delivery. Also, NBC put up Dwight's blog, too. Way too funny. The Halloween episode was a total riot with him as the Sith Lord. Haaaaahahaha! Also, Pam inspired me to be a cat. Shut up.

The Amazing Race: OK, this is my second favorite show ever (behind 24). I know some people have a problem with the family format. I agree it has its problems: restricted travel area, boring detours and roadblocks, too much bunching, not enough racing, and eliminations being decided by really dumb stuff. But we all know that they'll get back to their regularly scheduled racing for Season 9 and in the mean time we can get to know those Gaghans a little better. My god, they're adorable. Carissa is my hero. There needs to be way more of her.

Commander in Chief: I have only seen one episode. I really like Thelma. I can't watch it only because that time slot is so crowded and something had to get cut and when you go up against Jason Lee and Phil Keoghan? You're SOL.

Wednesday

Lost: Well hello, best show of the season! How intriguing are you? Endless is the mystery of this island. I am actually surprised that this is not the #1 rated show on TV. You can always find someone to talk Lost with you. I have yet to have a conversation about Desperate Housewives or CSI. And the people who love Lost are obsessed with it. Which is fine! I fear it may prove fruitless to try to figure it out, though. I did read an interview with JJ Abrams and it turns out, when writing this thing, they started at the end and worked back. So yes, they know how it's going to end and no, they won't make it easy to figure out. And I bet if you DO figure it out, no one will believe you. Because it will be that whacked out. Check back in 5 years when they end the show. Bookmark it and BELIEVE IT! I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

Veronica Mars: "My day is complete. Veronica Mars has accused me of evil." Gotta love that Logan. And Sheriff Lamb! Hot tamales! I don't care if he's a jerk ... just.... MEOW! Ahem. Anyway. There is not too much to say about VM except that the writing is exceptional and the acting is superb (except when they're stunt casting stupid Paris Hilton) and the continuity is downright phenomenal. The season long mystery isn't quite what it was last season, but then again, maybe it hasn't peaked just yet. Who knows!? Also, next season should be a riot should they follow Veronica to college. Love it! I have watched it from the beginning and have yet to be disappointed (minus the previously mentioned stunt casting incident).

Invasion: I gave up on Invasion. Too slow, I guess. Eddie Cibrian is smokin hot, though.

Thursday

Is stuff still on on Thursday? Oh yeah. Right

Everybody Hates Chris: Hark? What is this? A show that can make me ditch the first half of Survivor? Yes I like it that much. I love his Mom, I love his Dad, I love his siblings, I love his best friend, I love Chris, I love the dead-on 80's clothes, I love the music, and it has the best voice over work in all of television. It's just a lot of fun. A black Wonder Years? Maybe. But with less schmoopiness and way more laughs. Sorry Fred Savage! You got nothin on Tyler James Williams!

Survivor: I am tuning in for the same reasons I tuned in last season. Stephenie is awesome and Bobby Jon is hot in that Tarzan kind of way. The rest of 'em... I'm kind of like.... OK. *shrug* Sorry, but last season was so good. It's hard to come off that and try to come close to matching it. We were going to be disappointed no matter what. I missed it last weekend and didn't even flinch. Oops!

CSI: Want to know what I like about CSI? Gil Grissom and the fact that I can miss a week and still be on board. Not that I would want to miss it. But I could if I wanted to.

Oh! I forgot to mention Arrested Development. It's on Mondays, but I had forgotten that because of World Series and also Fox's love affair with Prison Break. AD really is quite good. To say the very least. There is nothing else on on Monday nights. You can watch it! You know. If you want. I'm also watching The OC and Reunion, but I almost forgot about those too. Whew!

So anyway. I think Wednesday has replaced Thursday as the big night of TV. At least it has for me. Lost and Veronica are my two appointment shows. Will not miss under any circumstances. Not for sleep. Not for sex. Erm. OK, maybe for sex. But that is IT!

Also, go Astros. AS I write this, we're in the top of the 13th and it's pretty exciting, actually, but I'm fading fast. Glad I had it going while I wrote this giant post. Also, that is my new word: giant. Beth's new word is vulgar. It is fun when we get together and use our favorite words.

Good night, internet!

Fantasy Football

2005-10-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

OK. THIS is why I have never signed up for Fantasy Football before this year. I knew I would get distracted from my real NFL purpose, which is loving and supporting my Cowboys no matter what. And now... here I am... Paying attention to other teams!!!

A few updates that I'm very passionate about:

Amani Toomer: Had to pick him up today even though I had five wide receivers on my roster. But two of them are going to be out on byes this week. And no, they're not on the same team. I diversify! He is my third Giant. OK, maybe not that diverse after all.

Troy Brown: I had to let him go from my team today. That hurt, y'all. That hurt a lot. But Vinatieri is my kicker and New England is on a bye this week and I needed another kicker, so what's a girl to do? Had to drop him because he was the most injured and I had too many wide receivers on my bench. It still hurts. Right here. *points to heart*

So what kicker did I pick up? Well Dallas's own Jose Cortez, of course! He is my third Cowboy. Well, fourth if you count the defense that I keep on the bench, mostly because I don't want anyone else to have them. Hey, remember that diversity thing I said earlier? Yeah. Scratch that. And also, quit yer snickerin about my 'boys! They currently have more points than the defense that I'm playing, which is Philadelphia (makes note). Geez, what is my DEAL? I'm supposed to HATE Philly! But we all know about my little crush on Donovan McNabb. But he is not my QB. Brett Favre is my QB with the Lesser Manning as a backup. And when he comes off his bye, I'll probably start rotating Stephen Davis with Sammy Morris because they both seem to be doing well and as you all may have noticed, I need to work on my diversity and start including teams not included in the NFC East. Except the Redskins. I won't be touching them. They are Cowboy Enemy Number One. Along with Terrell Owens. There is not enough duct tape in the world for that guy.

OMG LOOK AT WHAT I'VE BECOME!!!! I've become one of those people who can just talk and talk and talk about their fantasy football teams like it's so damn important! And.... as if you really want to hear about who I'm playing this week, much less NEXT week!

I drafted Plaxico Burress because he has the Coolest Name in the NFL. Hands down. There. I'm back to being me again.

Stealing

2005-10-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to be lazy today and send you to someone else's blog. K? But seriously... it's entirely too funny. Way funnier than anything I could write. Click on it! DOOOO IT!!!

What Women Want

Blogger is my Therapist

2005-10-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm feeling very anxious right now and I can't seem to put my finger on exactly why. Sometimes if I write, it falls out of my brain anyway so maybe we can go over some things here.

OK, um... first, my Mom is coming to visit tomorrow like she does every month. So this shouldn't make me all bejittery. My apartment is indeed a giant mess. I know I won't get to sleep in my comfy bed tomorrow night. That kind of sucks. But on the upside, there will probably be shopping on Saturday.

I have this weird theory on CK. I was out last night. And I saw him with a girl. You know, whatever. Like I don't know he "sees" other girls. I was a little jealous at first until I realized that he'll probably crush her the way he did me approximately two years ago. In a sick way, that made me feel a little better. So my theory is that he is great at being charming and finding little ways to touch you and say things to make you feel like you're the only woman in the world and then he beds you and let me tell you, he is freakin great at that. But after that? I'm not sure he knows what to do with a woman. I mean, he's had girlfriends but I'm guessing those didn't go too well. I have theories based on what I've been told about why those ended and if those theories are correct, then they support my current theory. Guess that's no real shock, but those theories existed before this current theory. I'm all about theories. The good news is, I'm actually pretty good at them. Not 100%, of course. Nobody is 100%. Anyway. I think that I feel that I'm always walking this fine line with him between good friend who will tell him the truth about his behavior and crazy-ass psycho bitchy chick. No, I don't think I'm crazy, but it seems like if I slip up just a smidge, he will most certainly think I am. And that SUCKS! Because that comes down to him not giving me any credit for doing things right, but holding me infinitely responsible when something goes vaguely wrong. It has been said that he likes hanging out with me, but he doesn't like it when I go all "drama" on him. That? Is unfair and kind of ridiculous.

***The below paragraphs may or may not be related to the above paragraph. I just kind of went off. You will know when I'm done.***

And let me tell you... contrary to what everyone seems to like to say about me, I am not a drama queen! I fucking hate that shit. That is on the level of calling me a ditzy blonde. If you piss me off, yes I will let you know about it. I won't throw my beer on you or storm out of the room slamming doors or yell for everyone to hear and I won't call and leave you a bunch of voice mails telling you how much you suck (even if you do). I'll get it out in a succinct and calm manner unless you make it apparent that you are ignoring what I'm saying. In which case, yes, I will probably raise my voice. But not so others can hear. More like so I can talk over whoever is talking over me. And if it reaches a certain level, I'll just remove myself from the situation. No, it's not a dramatic exit. It's just removing myself until things can cool off. Which I thought was a pretty good idea, until others get it in their heads that it was a dramatic "exit stage right" regardless of me stating otherwise.

And on that note, let me tell you. When I tell someone my motivations for my actions... why can't they just believe me? Why do people feel the need to tell me how I'm feeling or why I did what I did? Especially when I'M TELLING THEM TO THEIR FACE exactly why I did it? I feel like I'm living in a world where 98% of the people I come into contact with just cannot listen. And they cannot accept that they do not have me all figured out and they cannot accept that the world may not work exactly as they think it does. Geez, I guess that explains a year and a half of venting to my blog. That is just sad.

And then! Oh god, there's more. I get accused of being defensive! Well what the hell am I supposed to do? Just let them accuse me of shit I didn't do or meaning something the way I didn't mean it? Of course I'm defensive! They've drawn conclusions based on assumptions and presented them as facts. No one else is going to defend me. I might as well take the wheel and do it myself. Am I just supposed to sit there and take it? Sometimes I feel like I really understand people so well. And then there's nights like tonight when I'm completely baffled.

Also hate? When I tell someone that I don't want something or I do not like it when they do something and they intentionally do it. To be funny? Ironic? I don't know. But it pisses me off and then it looks like I'm pissed because they did what they did, when really I'm pissed because I asked them not to.... and they still did.

*** End rant. Wow!***

And then work. We have a four person department. Sounds small, but it's the biggest department we've got. And my boss's assistant... well, she'll be out "unexpectedly" for the next 3 weeks. In other words: not a vacation and very short notice. Also, my boss is going on a three-week vacation (to Australia, of all places). So guess what? Two people to do all that work. Plus our own, naturally. So yeah. That's kind of stressful. But on a positive note, we hired a temp to answer the damn phones so I don't have to. And it turns out, she's a really nice girl and we have a lot in common. I still have a shitload to do. Almost to the point where I just want to stare at the wall all day.

Sigh. And I miss Jessica. She got a new job and moved. I mean, it wasn't FAR, but she's not HERE any more. Gabi misses her too. The other night I was asking Gabi, "What's awesome?" I expected her to say, "Mommy" or "Me!" because she's not having any problems with self-esteem whatsoever. But no. She said "Aunt Jessica!" Awwwww! That really hit me in the face with missing her and then I realized that I'm a bad friend and haven't called or emailed to let her know that I miss her bunches.

And then. I get an email from Missi. Missi is friends with Debra, who was my best friend until she dumped me two years ago about this time. Yeah, my best friend dumped me. I'll try to recap quickly. We had a falling out around the time of my 27th birthday (late July 2003). After that, we pretty much stopped talking and she started dating this guy. I had met this guy and he was really great. Very independent, mature, smart, kind, funny. Around Labor Day of that year, he died in a car accident. I barely knew him, but I felt the loss of such a great person and I felt for Debra. So I dropped our disagreements. After all, it seemed petty at that point. So we consoled, we cried, I went to the memorial service with her. I thought we were patching things up. Well, Halloween 2003 was the last time I saw her. Yeah, she re-dumped me. I was very hurt since I was going through a rough time at the time and I really felt abandoned, used, and betrayed. And then in December of that same year, I got dumped by another "friend" that I had thought I could count on and everyone swears that the two incidents weren't related, but sorry. Not feelin that. So add another scoop of bitterness onto that pissed-off sundae.

So anyway, I get an email from Missi today telling me that Debra's mother is gravely ill. At this point, I am torn between feeling compassion for someone whom I cared about so deeply for 11 years and feeling that selfish twinge of avoidance. She burned me so badly, you know? Twice. I feel like such a terrible person for thinking of myself in a time like this but... you know, that whole "fool me once" thing (what happens when you get fooled a third time?). She pretty much made it clear over the past two years that she most certainly does not need me. So why would I bother popping back into her life now? And to make things even more weird? Yeah, my Mom works in the same hospital where they're keeping Debra's mother and they ran into each other last week. Awkward! My Mom said that she was very interested in the bulletin board with all the pictures of Gabi and me on it. Yeah, that conversation when my Mom told me that? AWKWARD! What am I supposed to say? I was literally at a loss. There were a lot of Um's, Oh's, and OK's. And you guys KNOW that's not normal! So anyway. I wrote Missi back and asked her to pass on my thoughts to Debra and that was about it. I feel like such a jerk, but I almost feel like I have a right to be a jerk. And two other people emailed me about the situation, as well. And I really feel like I'm being insensitive if I don't write those people back, too. Because then it gets back around that I didn't even respond to the news. I feel terrible for her, but I can't go back to being her friend. I'm very conflicted. Maybe that's the root of my anxiety.

Also, I forgot to take the trash out and I still haven't put away my laundry that I did last weekend. Undone housework causes anxiety. There is no doubt about that. I'm going to go make some South Park avatars. Maybe that will calm me down.

OK, hope I didn't bring anybody down too much. Sorry for all the anger. This is a bunch of stuff that has probably been simmering for a while and then it compounds upon itself and ends up as a giant spew of a rant. Or maybe I'm PMS'ing. It's possible. Any encouraging words would be appreciated. If you're just here to berate me, please move on. I don't need any more negativity. Thanks.

I'm watching TV while I write this

2005-09-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

OK, kids. I'm watching The Amazing Race: Family Edition. I will like this for ONE SEASON and then we need to get back to two person teams. With that being said, so far I love it. Would you totally hate me if I kinda cried a little when they crossed the Delaware? OK, maybe I'm PMS'ing a little and maybe it doesn't take a whole lot at this point, but it was still really cool. And I believe that the teams are mainly staying in the USA, which some die-hard TAR fans have a problem with. I dunno, I think it's kinda neato. And also, hurray for two hour season premiere!

Good: Little kids kicking butt. The youngest TAR contestant ever: Austin Black (8)! And Carissa Gaghan (9!) is my new hero. She rocks!
Better: Teams helping each other put their tents up in Pennsylvania. That was awesome.
Bad: Mama Weaver not knowing that Pennsylvania is a state. I hope that was just editing.
Ugly: The Paolo family... who is FROM NYC!... getting lost in NYC!!! It has always been my perception that New Yorkers can get around just about anywhere. I dunno. The Dew will have to fill me in on that.
Amazing: Kevin and Drew!!!! KEVIN AND DREEEEEEEEW!!!! OMG!!! I almost had a heart attack, y'all. I hope that's a trend: to have past racers hand out clues along the race! Come back, Oswald and Danny! Come back.... Zach! Come back Chip and Reichen! Come back, half the cast of Season 5, but most notably Chip and Kim!!! Come back Kris and Jon! Come back Uchenna and Joyce!!! How rad would that be?

Also? Some genius at CBS.com came up with FANTASY AMAZING RACE!!! It's hilarious, ludicrous and downright awesome all at the same time.

So as you may have guessed, I had to record My Name is Earl and The Office. I thought Earl was pretty funny last week in a way that most shows well.... aren't. It's this new breed of sitcom like Scrubs, Arrested Development, and The Office. No laugh track, no studio audience. You have to decide for yourself what is funny. And there's a lot. And before I watch this week's Office (which I heard is pretty good), I have to share my favorite line from last week's. It was when Pam was talking about the Dundees and she says, "It's like a horrible car accident. And you don't want to look. But your boss is making you look." Mad props to Jenna Fischer for line delivery on that one.

OK, the news is on now. So I'm going to wrap this up before I get too terribly pissed off and I can enjoy my Earl/Office tape in sweet serenity.

Oh speaking of hurricanes, did you guys see INVASION??? Woah.

Update From the Fringe of a Hurricane...er....What's that you say? Oh. Right. Tropical Storm.

2005-09-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah, when I say fringe, I mean the FRINGE. I can still see blue sky to the west. No rain just yet, but apparently, that's still a possibility. To which I say: Whatev. I called no rain last night and people made BETS AGAINST ME! Too bad they didn't make 'em with me or I'd have.... well, I'd at least win the bet. This will teach them not to doubt me! Anyway! The winds have picked up to about 20 mph, gusting to around 35mph. We've got some downed leaves in the parking lot. That usually doesn't happen until like, February. We're under a high wind advisory which means what I just told you was happening.... could still happen until about 9pm. And I guess the clouds are pretty thick. I had to turn lights on before 7pm, which is odd.

So last night I stayed up pretty late watching the hurricane coverage, thanks to CK and his incessant text-messaging. (What is it with that guy? He loves me, he hates me, he loves me, he hates me. I can't keep up! And no, I did not go over there so finger off the trigger there, sparky.) And Rita made landfall just about as I was going to bed (Alone!). I was watching TXCN, which is the Texas Cable News Network. So it's like CNN but just Texas. Isn't that RAD??? Ahem. And so they were just doing the live feed from KHOU in Houston and it was everything you expect it would be. Reporters out on the seawall in Galveston with a digital anemometer to remind us that it's windy. Reporters in the lobby of a damaged hotel to remind us that stuff is broken. Reporters out in the middle of the street to remind us that it's raining. So I woke up this morn....er.... today to learn that people are already heading back to Houston. Why would you do that? You just sat in traffic for an insane amount of time two days ago, and now you want to do it again? All of the gas stations that were out of gas, are still out of gas. Why would you spend a tank and a half to get home today, when you could use half a tank to get home on Tuesday? Sigh. Well, thankfully, that's most people's biggest problem: deciding when to come back. I know there's a lot of damage in Beumont and Port Arthur. Some roofs caved in and lots of trees knocked down. Your normal, typical hurricane type stuff. Some random looting of a Lowe's, which to me? Sounds like they were just getting supplies and no one was at the store. Who knows what their intent was, but I'm pretty sure they got caught or it wouldn't have been on the news.

So in quasi-conclusion, this is nothing like Katrina. That was just disaster after disaster after disaster and it seemed like it would never end. First a Cat4 hurricane, then the levee failure, then the flooding, then the looting, then the basic breakdown of society into armed gangs and anarchy, then everyone expecting the government to help them instead them helping themselves (do NOT get me started!). Rita was like... Cat3, go to Austin, read a magazine, and come back. I hope it was that easy for everyone. Of course, gas is stupid high. The 7-11 on the corner is charging $2.95 (up from $2.85 yesterday) and I saw a Shell last night that was completely shut down, but it was right on the Interstate, on the northbound side. So I guess as long as you travel off the interstate a bit, there's gas to be found. Even if it is approaching the price of GOLD. Anyway. Best o' luck to our Houston/Galveston/Port Arthur area pals. Even though you're probably not reading this unless you have some wicked cool internet set up in your car. And as far as Dallas?

Thaaaaaaaaaa SUN'll come out! Tomorrow! Betcha bottom dollar that tomoooorrrrooooow!! There'll be suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!

Have fun gettin that out of your head!!! Hehehe

Rita? Only if her first name is Marga.

2005-09-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

I've been getting a lot of well-wishes from people around the world (I know! Can you believe it?) via here and TSG. Just thought I'd update you on what's going on here. Well, right now: not much. It looks like Rita will pass to the East of Dallas, so I think we'll miss the heavy stuff.

Today started out just like the past two weeks. Hot. Clear. Sunny. It has been insanely hot. Like, records breaking left and right. So when I left work this afternoon at 5, the southwest corner of the sky was looking gloomy while the northeast side was still nice and clear. Observe! This picture was taken facing south, just over a gas station. I should've tried to include the prices since they have jumped about $0.20 in the past 24 hours to about $2.88. Ridiculous.

And when I left for the bar this evening, the winds were starting to pick up a little. Normally, I wouldn't call it particularly windy, but it's kind of like, the storm's a-brewin kind of breeze. Kinda spooky. And then when I left the bar, the winds were picking up just a smidge. Not quite enough to straighten the flags out, but enough to make them ripple. But I just went outside and noticed that the clouds are pretty thick now. I don't think it'll be bad here. I hope I'm right, of course. Not only would that mean that we are safe, but it also means that I am right.

Point is, I'm good. Gabs is good. We're safe. We should concentrate on those along the Texas/Louisiana border. They're the ones who are really gonna get smacked with it. And East Texas will probably bear the brunt of most of the rain and tornados. Just thought I'd let you guys know. Thanks for the well wishes. =)

No one saw THIS coming!

2005-09-22T15:54:00.001-07:00

Texans Fleeing Rita Stalled by Traffic

What? Really? How can it be that people leaving Houston could cause a traffic jam? You can't even get AROUND Houston without a traffic jam. And people were expecting just to zoom out of there without incident? While 1,999,999 other people decided to leave at the same time? This is great...

"This is the worst planning I've ever seen," said Judie Anderson, who covered just 45 miles in 12 hours after setting out from her home in the Houston suburb of LaPorte. "They say we've learned a lot from Hurricane Katrina. Well, you couldn't prove it by me."

OK, so let me get this straight... You expected to leave Houston... which is FOUR TIMES AS BIG as New Orleans in a flash? Not even to mention that everyone in Houston just got more exposure than they ever dreamed in the sense of seeing what happens when you DON'T evacuate. Did you expect everyone to stay, JUDIE ANDERSON??? Did you expect some extra roads to magically appear? I mean, I agree that 45 miles in 12 hours is ridiculous, but you have to be realistic. Traffic is backed up from Dallas to Houston so no relief in sight on that front, but it sure beats getting hammered with a Cat4 hurricane, no? So pick your poison, but don't act surprised when it starts to suck either way. MK? I've also heard rumors of tailgating. Because this is Texas and we can find any ol' excuse to par-tay. =) Texas RULES!

Well. This should be fun!

2005-09-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

Play By Play

2005-09-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

Let me just say this first: my air conditioner is broken. Not like my ox is broken broken. I mean it is buh-ROKEN! The official arrival of Autumn is Thursday. Thuuuuuuursday! And it was ninety-seven degrees today! An hour ago? It was 90 degrees in my apartment. It has now mercifully dropped to 88 degrees since the sun went down. I keep checking the temperature, just waiting for the outside temperature to fall below the temperature in my apartment so I can open a door. Oh and also? I got my electricity bill for last month today. I have this teensy apartment? $191. And now that my a/c is running constantly because it cannot possibly catch up when it's not even COOLING, I'm sure next month will be a wonderful surprise, as well.

OK, so GOOOOOO COWBOYS!!!! Woo! Monday night fooooootball, bay-beeeeee!!!

Let's see... teevee! I watched How I Met Your Mother tonight. It was very cute with an unexpected twist at the end. And that Doogie! How funny is THAT guy??? And when he said, "That is so going in my blog," I knew they were making fun of people like ME, but that's OK. Because it was still funny. I also caught the season premiere of Arrested Development. So wrong. So funny. So. Wrong! And then I watched Prison Break. Some stuff better start happening soon or I'm going to get bored. I think a lot of these "intense" shows have to have a lull somewhere in there or the exciting stuff isn't as exciting. Lost and 24 have a lull about 2/3 through the season. Prison Break is having a lull, which is expected. I just didn't think it would be in the 3rd episode.

Halftime! Cowboys are winning! Woo! Outside temperature: 87.2. Inside temperature: 88. UGH!

Oh, and I watched the Emmys. Total bullshit. Comedy series? Shoulda been Scrubs. At least Will and Grace didn't win. Sheesh. OK, just to wrap up my opinions: Anything Scrubs or 24 was nominated for, shoulda won. They were both robbed horribly. And Patricia Arquette? Over Mariska!? And no Lauren Graham anywhere to be found! Inconceivable. Horrid!

Oh how humanitarian of Bon Jovi to play this "fundraiser" during halftime to raise funds for the hurricane victims! Oh they just HAPPEN to be playing their new single! How wonderfully convenient! If they were really raising funds, they woulda played Living on a Prayer. I love Bon Jovi. Do not get me wrong. But sometimes these charity things reek of blatant promotion. Blech!

OK, despite its occasional lulls, I'm JAZZED about Lost coming back! Wahoo! This Wednesday 8 CDT. And Veronica Mars comes back NEXT WEEK! Two of my favorite shows and they're up against each other. If ever there were a time to get a DVR.... Sigh!

I just went over to light a candle to make the room smell nice. I stood there and looked at it while I thought about the fact that it is almost 90 degrees in my apartment and I just started a fire. Called myself an idiot and blew it out. Other great ideas for when your apartment has no a/c? Cooking dinner in the oven (which I did)! And drying some clothes (which I came dangerously close to doing)! Maybe next, I can turn on all the lights and go blow dry my hair! Also bad for cooling down?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWBOYS TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!!!

That? Was gorgeous. Downright spectacular. As was my stupid silent celebration dance. But that throw. That CATCH! Highlight reel! Shu-weeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!

Outside: 85.9. Inside: 88. But there's still a heat index. Blech! I bet the difference is negligible. And I bet some new circulation would be good, right? This sucks. Except for the part where the Cowboys are WINNING! OK. Still 3rd quarter. Keep yer britches on. Did you guys know that I have the same birthday as Keyshawn Johnson? He's 4 years older, though. Thought I'd point that out.

I'm sleepy. But you just know I cannot go to bed. No way. If I go to bed, that's like asking if the Redskins can win. I'm sorry, I cannot let my boys down like that. Gabi and I also had our ceremonial Slurpees. The Cowboys need us to have a Slurpee on game day. They NEEEED IT! I'm sorry, I cannot take a chance on wasting Slurpee kharma on going to bed early.

OK fourth quarter. I finally opened the door for some fresh air. Still 88 degrees in here. 84.7 Outside. Pfft. Man, the Redskins are playing horribly. This is great! Punt! Man, why do we love this game so much? A bunch of guys running around after this goofy ball, trying to knock each other down. Oh but we love it. And I love that Julius Jones. I see Terry Glenn also came to play! Yeehaw!

Is a Dancing with the Stars rematch necessary? Really? Seriously? I mean, I loved John O'Hurley and I thought he shoulda won, do not get me wrong here. But geesh. Waste? Of time. I love TV but there is just no reason to get all bent out of shape over a contest where the winner won a crapass trophy. Big freakin deal. Let it goooooo!

Wahoo! Field goal! I cannot believe these guys playing football with all that padding on... in Texas Stadium. You would think that hole in the roof helps with ventilation, but you would be wrong. As was I the time I went to a Cowboys game (Thanks, Shane!) last August. It was actually "cool" enough for me to consider bringing a light jacket. Boy was that stupid. You see, there is no ventilation. No moving air. So it heats up during the day and doesn't really cool down at night. I mean, yeah, hot air rises, but if there's nothing to replace it.... there's nowhere for it to go. I hope that made at least a wee lick of sense.

Ohmygod I cannot believe that play! 4th and 15 and a giant pass to some Moss fellow and he catches it in the end zone. Redskins finally score. Too bad they're still losing. I have the Slurpee on my side, punks!

Ohmygod! Redskins just made an unbelivable touchdown! And thank you, Madden for letting us know that whoever makes the plays.... that's who wins. Hm. Deep. What if they win??? OH no! My Slurpee was for naught? NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo............................. Oh this is terrible. I can't watch. I have to watch. I can't. I must. AUGH!

I can't believe I stayed up to watch the stupid Redskins come back in the second half of the 4th quarter. No more stupid Slurpees! You owe me 3 bucks, 7-11! Hmph. I'm relatively sure I just lost my fantasy football matchup too. To a BRITISH GUY! Dammit! This is bullshit!

Well, now you know exactly what goes through my mind during a sweltering night of football and random distractions. I'm going to go stick my head in the freezer now. What? Did you think I was going to say oven???

82.8 Outside. Somehow.... Inexplicably 89 degrees inside. What the....?

Holy Crap, My Kid is Awesome!

2005-09-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

I knew this day would come. I just didn't think it would come so soon. Tonight, we were sitting in Chili's since her birthday is tomorrow (YAY!). I announce to her that when we get home, we get to watch Gilmore Girls because it's the season premiere!!! Now, she is often annoyed with GG since I take over the TV when it comes on and she doesn't get to watch Spongebob. She says, while still coloring, "That'll be great." Deadpan. No inflection. I look at her quizzically. "Really?" She looks up at me with a twinkle in her eye and says, "PSYCHE!" OK, #1: Nice 80's reference to a phrase that should've never gone out of style. #2.... is that.... SARCASM??? My baby? My darling child? Being sarcastic? She may not look like me, but I think we all know now that this is indeed my child. She has been paying attention!!!

And then on our way home, we were sitting about 3 cars back from a stoplight. She sees a squirrell... or what appeared to be a squirrell, anyway... looked more like an overgrown hamster to me.... running across a field and directly into a soon-to-be busy intersection! =0 I say, "Cover your eyes! Cover your eyes!" I mean, we do not need her to be scarred for life from this. The rodent-type creature skitters safely across the street and as I watch... we watch... of course she never covered her eyes.... I say, "Honey. I don't think that was a squirrell." She says, "Yes it was!" I say, "Are you sure? Where was his tail?" My genius: "Right behind him!!!" The "you idiot" portion of that statement was implied. I laughed SOOOOO hard!

And then... oh yes, there's more... we get home. I have been backing into my parking space at night since I have calculated that it saves us approximately four seconds every morning. Also, something you should know: Gabi is my personal post-it/dry erase board. She remembers EVERYTHING! What to get at the grocery store, what we have to do after school, what I came in here for. So, I start to pull in normally and then remember. I start to turn around and I say to Gabs, "Baby, you've gotta help me remember to back in. " Gabi: "Mom. You should really start to learn to remember these things yourself." Lil smartass.

I'M SO PROUD!!! =)

Dear Alleged Friends of the Co-Parent,

2005-09-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

You are all fucking pathetic. Reading this and reporting back like a bunch of idiotic monkeys. You could at least tell him the truth! Which is that I hardly ever talk about him and when I do, it's either in passing or in a fit of fury that he clearly deserved, yet I keep it all in this blog as a written word instead of directing it solely at him. But you. You are a boil on the ass of humanity. Who the fuck do you think you are? Oh yes, you are so smart. Googling, looking it up on my yahoo profile, however you found it. If you thought you would thwart any reconciliations, you have got another thing coming because there isn't a chance in hell that I would reconcile with him. You're safe. Have at him!!! We annoy the fuck out of each other and we will never ever in a million years get back together. If you even bothered to get to know him, you'd know that. So leave me the fuck alone and quit making more trouble not only in my life, but in my daughter's life. Yes, this affects her too. When her parents are constantly at each others' throats it affects her. And YOUR childish behavior is just exacerbating an already volatile situation. We have a hard enough time getting along when things are good. So why don't you get your head out of your ass and look beyond your own personal bubble and realize how your ridiculous actions affect everyone?

Oh, and by the way, ELIZABETH: You shouldn't be checking my blog at work. You should be working.

Stewed Hamm

2005-09-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

Who are you!?!? Tell meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!! I have been a very very very very patient woman. VERRRRYYYYY patient. Almost a year and a half you have been torturing me. What's a girl gotta do, huh?

PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAASE!!!!???!?!?!?

I'll be your best friend! And.... um.... I can't make any more promises than that because I don't KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! But it could involve a lot of licking. I'm just sayin.....

Superficial Stuff

2005-09-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

OK, so like... you guys? Most of you know that I have a blog on myspace and mostly, I write short blurbs there and save the novels for here. So everyone here knows about the blog over there. But not everyone over there knows about the blog over here(I need a diagram). And there is a reason for that. This is that reason. A boy. A stupid stupid boy. If you are a boy and you are reading this, yes I think you are stupid. I am sorry to have to break it to you this way. But the "good" news here is that I am even more stupiderer. And I need to get smart, but I do not know how. I cannot sort through the stupidity. OK, ready? Here goes....

You know I like this new guy, right? And he is not CK so that is good. He is very smart, charming, funny, level-headed, listens to me when I ramble on (and you guys, of all people, KNOW how that goes). But you remember when he asked me out on a date? Yeah, that never really materialized. I find this bothersome. I have asked him about it. I know that seems needy, but it wasn't like "When are we going out?" It was more like, "Why did you ask if you weren't going to follow through with it? Why would you bother?" That was in an email to which he is promising a reply tonight even though I told him he didn't have to. That is my olive branch for my completely fucking melting down right in front of him for two hours in the IHOP parking lot. A very patient soul, he is. But alas, he insists that he will write me back and that it will be soon. So are you getting a feel for the general relationship here? Very kind and giving and a lot of fucking up on both parts.

We do have a lot of fun when we actually get to see each other. You see, he is out of town. Like. A lot. And I'm pretty sure he's got a dame in every port, and no that is not paranoia. There has been a lot of saying it without actually saying it, if you know what I mean. Now, I don't really feel like I can really complain about this. He's not my boyfriend. We haven't even been on a date. So why does it bug me so much? He's not married. He is completely single. SO WHY AM I BUGGED? I hate it. Normally, I would distance myself from the situation to get ahold of my brain and get the hell over it. But you see, I have made friends with his family. I can't just write them off. I like them as people, not just his family. And to hang with them means to occasionally hang with him as well and then there's that chemistry thing and then we end up spending 15 hours together. I hate it and positively adore it all at the same time. Which I hate.

I was just telling someone tonight that girls have to talk to figure their stuff out... or type, as the case may be. So maybe I should just shut up and refrain from trying to figure stuff out directly at him. We all know the solution, right? I need to shoosh! I need to just be quiet. I am very very bad at that. Do not call, do not text, do not email, do not approach. Do you guys know how hard that is for me? I am laying all of my cards out on the table and making this entirely too easy for him! He knows he's got me! He doesn't have to try!!! Eureka, she's got it. OK, yes. I need to back off. Big time. I don't think I'll go as far as deleting him out of my phone and making sure all photos are destroyed and deleting off of myspace or anything. If things get bad, I might. I hope it doesn't have to come to that. For godsakes, Di! Why can't you just be friends with him!? What is your deal?

I will tell you this much, though: Venting to the freakin internet helps, believe it or not. I really really really think I would be insane if I did not have this thing. Um. OK, less insane. Considering I just typed out a conversation with myself.

2005-09-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

Wow. I just went back and read my last post. How much can change in 10 days is astounding. I have a lot to say about the hurricane and subsequent flooding, but I still can't get my mind around it. I'll have to wait for it to sink in a little more before I can really digest it into something intelligible. There's a lot in my brain, though. A lot. But for now, I'll just say that I think it's awesome that there are shelters that are actually turning away help and supplies because they have enough. Let's hope supplies remain at these levels until these evacuees can return to some level of normality.

I can't even write my normal stuff in the same post. New post for the superficial stuff!

2005-08-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, you guys know how New Orleans is pretty much screwed at this point? I was watching the coverage on the news and at this moment, Hurricane Katrina is packing winds equal to an F3 tornado... 90 miles wide. Stop and think about that for a minute. This is going to be bad, y'all. Really really bad. Levees are 15 feet high and they're expecting a storm surge of around 20 feet. This could be worse than a disaster. I sincerely hope everyone gets out. Hm, I just heard that our TV station sent a reporter to ride out the storm in downtown New Orleans. Are you fucking stupid??? Seriously????

2005-08-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember last weekend when I went to go see Bowling for Soup out at FireWater? Like, how could you possibly forget, right? I wrote a novel about it. Anyway. Last night, Elizabeth and I went back for more local, live, kickass music.

The first band wasn't exactly local. They were from Louisiana, but close enough. They're called The American Tragedy and I must say.... pretty damn good. A little too metal for me personally, but I can still pick out a good band when I hear one. And the lead singer had a great voice. Very talented. Good band. Kudos. Oh, and their guitar player is hot.

And then we met these guys from Ohio. Beth asked them what they thought of the song by BFS, but it was too loud for me to hear the answer. And then I asked them the obnoxious question that I must ask every Ohioan (say it out loud! Fun word!): What the hell is a Buckeye? I mean, I know what it is. It’s a nut. It’s a tree. It’s a nut that becomes a tree. But that’s your mascot? Seriously? Maybe I shouldn’t make fun of them. I should’ve learned not to do that after about the 57th time I made fun of Texas A&M. But they’re just so…. OK. I better stop there. I wouldn’t want to offend any passing Aggies. Anyway. Buckeyes are goofy, IMNHO. That is all.

And then the second band was Mermaid Purse. I'm not going to lie. I wasn't paying much attention. I think they're from Denton. I was talking most of the time. What is my deal with not paying attention to the second band? I didn't pay attention last week, either.

And then... Zac Maloy. Man. He is just awesome. He used to be the frontman for The Nixons (remember the song "Sister"?) and now he does his own thing. Puts on a helluva show. And the cool part... since the place wasn't massively crowded like it was last week, we actually got to meet him and have a decent chat with him, both before and after the show. He seems so soft-spoken when he's not onstage and then he starts performing and we get our asses kicked because he completely rocks. Sincerely nice guy to boot. He said he's doing a lot of producing as of late, so he's not touring as much. But hopefully, if you see that he's performing near you, you'll recognize the name and go check it out. Seriously. He is amazing.

Anyway. Apart from a torrid relationship with a burrito, the night was great fun. Beth and I figured out that we have so much in common that it's a smidge freaky. Ain't it rad when you meet someone like that?

In unrelated news: I hope it's OK with everyone if I do not like the Rolling Stones. Not even a little bit. Thanks.

I will catch up with my face on Tuesday... approximately

2005-08-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

Because it got rocked right off into next week. Here's the story.

Last night, Beth, Jessica, Jordan, Danny (Jordan's brother), and I all went to go see Bowling for Soup. Beth, I might add, is good friends with the band. And the road crew. And the security guys. And the merchandising guys. Very sociable, that Beth.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.........

Elizabeth and I arrive at FireWater almost simultaneously, despite travelling there from opposite directions. I have no idea how we did that considering the place was IN Dallas and it was Friday afternoon rush hour. So we arrive maybe 2 minutes apart, park in the crappy "What? You don't valet?" parking lot, and head in. Oh wait, Beth has to put her sunglasses back in the car. Yes, the sun was still a-blazin since it was about 6:45. So we meander over to the buses and I got to meet their security guy, who was way cool, as you may have expected. We learn that none of the guys are there yet, which makes sense since, you know, they're like... from here and are probably either at home or stuck in traffic. So we go in and present our "tickets" that were allegedly worth $20, that I heard they gave away 3500 of, but only planned to let in 1200 people. Why do they do that? Anyway. There is nowhere to sit inside since it's 400 degrees outside. The inside looks like any other restaurant on one side, but if you go into the bar area, it's very open. It's almost like it's missing two walls. The larger of these two "missing" walls leads straight out to a wide set of stairs, and then to a medium-size patio and then to the stage. There are misters everywhere and that is when I decided that it is pointless to try to be attractive when it's 400 degrees outside and you're misted with water every time you go outside. There's also a large pond with fountains all around the patio. Neat-o. Geddit? FireWater? Anyway, the patio is almost empty except for the food service tables and the spots around the open air bar. And they're all full. Nowhere to sit at all. At this point I'm thinking, How are we going to eat? Actually, I'm thinking that at about every point. In my life. And it shows. No but really, I'm starting to wonder how we're going to eat since I had counted on eating there. Oh well, we get beers.

Beth makes the smooth observation that this is a great time to stake out the spot we want for the rest of the night. I wholeheartedly agree and we grab a spot at the very front on the far right side (if you're facing the stage). There's a huge stone pillar right in front of us and tables turned on their sides as "security barriers." But I could probably lean over the table and put my hand on the edge of the stage. This is where we stood for the next six hours.

We take turns getting new beers and start to think that maybe the single beers are a smidge overpriced ($4 for a bottle is what we thought, unless Booby McBartender cheated Beth out of her change). Then we see people walking around with buckets o' beer. We ask this one guy who looked pretty tame how much they were. He didn't know. We ask another guy. Don't know. Oooooh kay. Nobody knows how much they are. Just ask a bartender, you say? OK! Good idea! They're a smidge busy right now. I'll ask later.

So the first band comes on. They're called King Zero and were pretty good. I like them because their lead singer kept saying stuff like, "Hello Dallas Fucking Texas!" And he also asked how we're doin about 47 times. Apparently, we were all doing WOO! Their lead guitarist looked like he should've been doing my taxes instead of rocking out, which made him even more awesomer. So they rock and we rock and Beth and I decide it's time for beer buckets. We negotiate the brand of beer which didn't take long since I seriously do not care. I say, "Who's going first?" She says, "I don't care." Now mind you, the speakers are maybe six feet over our heads. We can't hear anything. It's either yell in their ear or read lips. So I make the motion for rock, paper, scissors. How else to solve such a quandary? We tied. With scissors. This brought on a lot of giggling which leads me to believe that this is the point where we were most certainly both at least a bit tipsy. So she says fuckit I'll go. The crowd level is about Level Yellow. So it takes some weaving, but not any "excuse me" or *poke-poke* "Hi, just passin through." She's back in a flash with the beer. "Hey, how much was it?" "Um.... I forgot to ask." King Zero plays for at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Please know that at this point, things start to get fuzzy. I vaguely remember a guy standing on the tables (aka the "security barriers") to light up this cauldron, maybe 3 feet wide, that was attached to the stone pillar (Geddit? FireWater?!). Oh, did I mention it's pretty damn windy? One more reason I was not going to be a hot chick that night. Ponytail! And then Beth points over my head in the direction of the parking lot and I turn around and there's this HUGE cauldron at least 50 ft up, maybe 8 feet across, on top of a flagpole-looking thing, all aflame. It was rad. And I turned back around and asked how they lit that one? Then there were some jokes about shimmying and a Zippo that I can't quite remember right now, but trust me.... they were hilarious. And we were kinda toasted, so it's all funny at that point.

So now it's my turn to go get a beer bucket. The second band, entrust, is about to come on. I turn to go back up to the bar and the crowd is now at Level Orange. Weaving and plotting the best routes and a few "excuse me"s and the gentle hand on the arm to let people know that someone's behind them so please don't back up and crush anyone (i.e. me). Just as I almost get to the stairs, I see..... is that a Jessica? What if I yell it out and it's not her? Yeah, that didn't even cross my mind because I have no inhibitions at this point. JESSICAAAAAA!!!! She is maybe two feet in front of me. AAAAAAAH! She was all, where are you guys? And I'm all, over in front of the pillar, and we step up on the steps so I could point it out to her. "See? Right under the fire!" And then I tell her that I'm getting more beer and am going to order some food because if Beth and I don't eat, things are gonna get ugly. So I get the bucket, order the food and the guy says 15-20 minutes on the burger. That seems fast. OK. So I decide to deliver the bucket (Hey, how much was it? Er.... I'm going to end this joke right now and just tell you that I STILL don't know how much they were) and come back for the food. I drag Jessica back to our spot and it's getting pretty crowded. So there's a group of youngish guys standing just to the right of us and I'm all, "Hi! Scuse me, beer comin through." Guys love it when girls say that. And they were nice and scooched back and I leaned over to set the bucket down and get a beer for myself. I stand back up and the guy behind me had this look on his face. OK, so maybe my ass was about 1/2 an inch from his goodie basket. I just pointed my finger and said, "Naughty naughty!" Guys love it when girls say that, too. Back up to get the food! I asked for my burger a la carte so that I could easily carry it back to Beth. They gave me fries anyway. Oh well. Jessica is upstairs with me, I just remembered. Maybe I didn't run into her until I went back to get the burger. Like I said... fuzzy. So I grab the plate and turn around to head back down to our spot, and hey! There's the lead guitarist for King Zero! He has seriously got these watery green eyes that are totally dreamy. I tell him that I liked the band. He accepts graciously. I offer him a french fry. This too, he accepts graciously.

Walking through a Level Red crowd with a gigantic plate full of french fries is an odd skill to have. But apparently, I have it. I make it back to the Pillar of Fire (entrust is still playing) and Beth and I devour that hamburger like we hadn't eaten in days. Oh hey! It's Jordan and Danny! If they arrived before I showed up with the hamburger, I apologize. But I KNOW they were there by that time. Danny is really cute, by the way. I think when we flirt with Danny, it weirds Jordan out. Which... I can see that.

Entrust finishes. Yay. They were good. I decide, I'd better go to the bathroom because I will not a) miss Bowling for Soup or b) be uncomfortable during their show. So I better go now. I get up to the bathrooms and there is this huge guy. Like he looks like he gets cast as the burly biker man in movies kind of huge. And he's standing right outside the women's bathroom. Someone opens the door and he says, "Hey, it's not fair! You guys get a couch!" I point into the men's bathroom (across the hall) and I say, "Hey no fair! You guys get a TV!" He observes said TV, a smidge of sputtering ensues and before he can turn back around, I was gone. Surprisingly, there is barely a line in the ladies' room so I'm in and out in a flash. Crowd is at Level Red. Big time. I come out of the bathroom, and I run into this guy (literally) who is maybe 2 inches taller than I am, but built like a linebacker. Completely solid. I would not want to make him angry. He's all, "I'm so sorry..." I say, "Are you kidding me? You're my way through this crowd!" Totally joking, of course. By this point, we get to the top of the stairs and he turns to me and says, "Where ya going?" And I point to the pillar, "All the way down by the stage right in front of that pillar." Without a word, he turns and pretty much barrells a path right through the crowd for me. I'm serious. He delivered me right to our spot. I couldn't believe it! How completely nice/awesome!!! I gave him a kiss on the cheek and thanked him. He was very sweet and just said, "No problem" and he was gone. There's nothing funny about it. Just a bunch of freakin awesomeness.

And then! Bowling for Soup! WOOOOOO!!!!! There was a lot of woo-ing going on. Even before they came on. So we get acquainted with the people behind us (because we were in the very front nyah nyah). We have a Randy Jackson-look-alike named Wayne right behind me n Jessica who totally blocked the rest of the crowd and then behind Beth and Jordan is this group of people. There's about 5 of them, I think, but I only talked to two of them. One was a woman who said it was her 35th birthday but totally didn't look 35 so go her. And the other was a guy who was wearing a white shirt with a green stripe and he was about my age. Hard to tell when you're on your second beer bucket.

And then they came out and rocked our faces off. They started off with My Hometown which is a total shout out to Jessica and me because we ARE from their hometown and we DID get the fuck out! And then they proceeded to play all of my favorite songs, but I can't remember the order but there was Belgium, Scope (I think?), Ohio, The Bitch Song (my very very favorite), like, all in a row. That was a massive run-on sentence and I apologize in case you care. So then Jaret's all, "What song do you guys want to hear?" And I was honestly stumped. I wish you could've seen my face as I tried to concentrate really hard. And then someone shouted out Summer of 69 which they do completely fucking awesome. I say fuck a lot when I talk about Bowling for Soup. Sorry if that offends you but yeah whatever. Anyway, I love the BFS version even more than Bryan Adams's version. I hope all of my Canadian brethren can forgive me for that. Anyway, Jaret's like, "You don't want to hear one of OUR songs?" Well, dude, what do you expect? You just played 5 awesome songs in a row. We're having a low-grade orgasm right about now, give us some time to think, OK? So anyway, he "claims" that they hadn't played it in a long time and "claims" that they're going to suck and then asks that we "forgive them" when the song is over. Whatever. They totally rocked. I'm serious, they cannot have a bad show. Period. Ever. I've been going to see them for 10 years now and have never been to even a mediocre show. And there was even that one time that me n OTA went to see them in Fort Worth at the Aardvark and there was no fucking air conditioning and it was fucking August and it was so crowded that I fucking gave up on getting beer. I GAVE UP! ON GETTING BEER!!! That's hot, y'all. Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah. That show was amazing. And this one? OK, this one on Friday was the first time in a long time that the show has been 21 and up. So you know what was back? DEBAUCHERY! Beer breaks and boob showings. We were kind of wondering what happened to the kamikaze shots, though. Hm. Work on that for us. OK, and throughout this whole thing, I must add that there was a lot of ass-grabbing amongst our little portion of the crowd. I think it was mostly me, though. Jordan got a grab, Tall Pink Cowboy Shirt guy got about 5 grabs from me (and it was really nice and he deserved every single one for standing in front of us short people), and mine got grabbed about 12 times by White Shirt Guy. And not just little grabs. Yeah. What you're thinking? Yeah.

Anyway, they wrapped up with Punk Rock 101, Girl all the Bad Guys Want, and 1985 all in a row. I can't remember what they did for an encore but it was awesome. I remember that much. And after that, it was over. *sad face* And we stayed right where we had all night while the crowd cleared out. Then something marvelous happened. I have no idea how or why, but Beth like... jumped on me to give me a hug or something? It was very joyous and all, but the next thing I know, we're on the ground laughing our asses off and my hand could possibly be injured and Beth is soaking wet. There was also a destroyed beer bucket very nearby. I think that maybe this is where my huge mystery bruise on my arm came from, but I really cannot confirm that.

After that there were some bathroom visits and some Danny location and then we exited the building through the door that I'm pretty sure we weren't supposed to exit out of since it led right up to the buses. But no one stopped us and Beth knows like, everyone so it was cool. So I get to re-meet Chris (guitar player) and Edo (sound guy) who said he remembered me, but I'm pretty sure is a huge liar, but that's OK because he probably meets a lot of people and we were both pretty trashed when we met the first time. Surprise! And then I saw Annique! ANNIIIIIQUE!!! Annique is engaged to Gary who is the drummer and they both went to high school with Jessica (do you need a chart or diagram to get this straight?). This babe is so rad. Someone mentions that Jordan wants to be a drummer so Annique hops on the bus and gets Gary and he comes out and takes pictures with Jordan and they talk drummer talk. Gary is quite possibly the nicest rock star I have ever met. I don't know how else to put it.

We then depart.

I woke up Saturday to an alarming charlie horse in my leg. And then I un-velcroed my tongue from the top of my mouth. And then I noticed my pounding head. I grab my head and smile and think.... "That was AWESOME!" My hand's a little stiff and I still have this mystery bruise on my forearm that's actually pretty big. And it was all worth it and I had a total blast. They'll be back September 8th in Denton. WOOHOO!!! I can't wait!

The End! Kiss Kiss!

Oh! PS!!! Here's a picture I took with my phone.... Look how fucking close we are!!!

Kindergarten!

2005-08-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching The Amazing Race (shocker) and they're in Germany and Austria in this episode. I really really want to go to Germany. I don't speak German in the least, but it is so beautiful. Everywhere you look, it's just gorgeous. Mountains, meadows, castles, wonderful little villages. OK, enough with my love affair with Germany.

As most of you know, today was Gabi's first day of kindergarten. This story is duplicated on my myspace page, so if you read both, you're about to be very bored.

Yes, it's true. We lived through the first day of kindergarten. It was tough (not really) but we trudged through (it was a total breeze). Just as I thought, she had no problem at all. We hit the front doors and she almost left us completely behind. Went straight for her room, greeted her teacher, advised her on the recent construction paper purchase, and made a beeline for her locker. Stashed her backpack and then surveyed the room. There were coloring pages on the tables. She spots one table with all four chairs stacked on one side of the table, yet four coloring pages in a square on the table. She immediately sets out to unstack the chairs and place them at their correct places around the table. Taking over already. At that point, I figure there's no point in us lingering around, so I lean down to say goodbye to her....

Me: When the teacher says to be quiet, make sure to be quiet, OK?
Gabs: OK.
Me: And you listen to what she says and be respectful, OK?
Gabs: OK.
Me: And stay with your class.
Gabs: OK!!! Oh look! Raccoons!
Me: I love you, baby. See you after school!
Gabs: *coloring*
Me: Bye!
Gabs: .......*more coloring*

So as you can see, she was just fine. Me, on the other hand....... I didn't cry or anything. I think I got all that out last night. It just blows me away how fast she's growing up. She'll probably have her driver's license by next year. Her own apartment by the time she's seven. Off to college by 10. Global Domination by 16. She's a very quick learner. Anyway. Let's see if I can do this whole picture posting thing......

Just before leaving.....

......And in the car on the way

Yes, she was really that happy and no, those pictures don't do her a shred of justice.

Everybody Hates Me

2005-08-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've pissed people off on TSG. I've seemingly disappointed my blog readership. Jessica is irritated with me for... I don't know. Not talking to her the prescribed amount of time? An amount that I'm not privy to. The co-parent fucking acts like I don't even exist, which is pretty embarrassing when we're meeting Gabi's kindergarten teacher for the first time.

So to everyone I've managed to piss off... I'm sorry. I have no idea how to make you all happy at the same time.

Breaking News

2005-08-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

I got a date.

It's not for another two weeks. But a date's a date, baby!!! Oh crap. What am I going to wear??? Geez, that sucks. I have two weeks to freak out about that. On the upside, though... I have a date.

Although I am a bit weary about this one little aspect. You see, every time we hang out, I seem to end up with a minor injury. First it was the scratch on my back. Then last Friday, we were walking back to our cars after a party and I swear I was not drunk, but a bright street light distracted me from seeing a curb and not only did I trip, but I fell down. All the way. And not gracefully in the least bit. The embarrassment was almost as much as the physical pain and considering I have no pride, you know that's a lot of pain. He wasn't laughing so hard that he couldn't help me up, so that's a good sign. And he actually asked if I was OK through his tears, which I thought was nice. Anyway, my ankle still hurts and is a little stiff. No strange colors or visible swelling, so I guess I won't have to chop off my foot. But now my opposite knee is starting to hurt too. Geez, I'm like 84 over here.

OK, I'm going to get my walker and and scoot on over to my craftmatic bed. You hooligans keep the noise down over there.

2005-08-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

I do not know what was going on with that last post. I had a really great parallel between Tex-Mex food and clam chowder going on and it just got eaten (hee!) every time I tried to post. Actually, it kept deleting two great points. And when smooshed together, really made for a spectacular non sequitur.

Point 1: Never eat Mexican food north of Oklahoma. Just don't do it. It ain't right. I don't know how a Don Pablo's in Kansas City can suck, yet a Don Pablo's in Dallas can be alright. Same menu, same recipes, right? Who the hell knows. So, if you do make it to Texas (or New Mexico, for that matter), try to grab a meal at a nice little independently owned restaurant. Seriously, those are the best, and they're cheaper, and they're much happier to see you. It's the same as clam chowder. I used to hate the stuff until I had some in Oregon approximately three feet from the ocean. You see, clam chowder in Texas sucks! No wonder I hated it! You must eat clam chowder either in New England or in the Pacific Northwest. Do not fuck around with the clam chowder.

Point 2: If you DO like movie quotes, but you DO NOT like humility, please visit my pal George Newman's blog for his Top 100 Movie Quotes. They are a site (I did it again!) to behold, even though the list was severely lacking Clueless quotes. But alas, I am a chick. He is not. He will not only attest to this, but also come dangerously close to proving it. =)

Anyway. I'm home sick again today. Booooo!!! This is my second case of It's Not Strep in two months. I simply must get over this quickly since Gabi starts school next week. I must take extra care to get over this, which is why I'm drinking a 24 ounce coffee even though the doc said to increase rest and fluid intake. I think logic requires that I drink a large caffeinated, diuretic beverage, eh? Oh. And? No dairy. Which would explain the steamed milk.

In completely unrelated news, the second season of The Amazing Race on the Game Show Network ended Wednesday night and WOW what a finish!!! I knew who won (damn you wikipedia!), but I couldn't see how and I just couldn't BELIEVE that it literally came down to a footrace. I love you Game Show Network! For proving, once and for all, that I really could watch The Amazing Race every single night and not get tired of it.

Oh, and my other new addiction (as if I needed one!) is Gilmore Girls. It really sounds like a chick show, but it is seriously good. True, there's not a lot of explosions or dead bodies or castaways or torturing the Secretary of Defense's son (did you guys know that Dick Heller on 24 was played by the same guy who played Trey Atwood 2.0 on the OC? I thought that thug looked familiar....). But let me tell you... it is fast-paced, witty, dramatic, will make you laugh, cry, yell at the TV all within about 30 seconds if you're lucky enough to get a time span that long to go through that many emotions. Oops. I said the word that will turn all the men away. But I know a few men who love Gilmore Girls. There's no shame in that! It's really good. Promise. Sneak in a viewing when no one's around. You'll be hooked. Oh, and did I mention a guest spot by Sebastian Bach? Yes, that Sebastian Bach. Hilarity ensues.

Speaking of hilarious... More proof that drama queens prefer the Democratic Party. That's not to say that every Democrat is a drama queen... I'm just sayin..... It may be in your best interest not to question me on this for you could get quite the thesis out of it. I don't normally write about politics because it is my personal belief that you and I will never agree and one will not convince the other to believe otherwise and honestly, that's the way it should be. Oh crap. I've already started. Stopping now.

I'm going to read tvguide.com now. Good day!

2005-08-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

I promised good news, but honestly I can't remember exactly what that good news was (please don't hit me). So I'll just do some reader mail and maybe it'll fall out of my brain unexpectedly.

Keith & Tammy said...

So... are you gonna give us our address or not?

Sure. You can use 666 Shut the Hell Up Lane. Enjoy!

A certain George Newman said....

Do we get some kind of college credit for making through all of that? My eyeballs hurt. Hope the good news outweighed all of that.

Sincerely, Santos-McGarry Campaign Headquarters and Office of Adult Continuing Education

Yes, you get one credit towards your BTCC degree (Bitching and Complaining). I have a doctorate, and I must say, it comes in handy on a daily basis.

Jing said....

i've heard good things about taco cabana but i can't be a fair judge because i'm canadian and we don't have them around here. i hope you're still watching the 4400 :)

Of course I'm still watching the 4400!!! It's good to see Shawn and Danny getting along again. But what I didn't like about this last episode.... No explanation or even talk of Jordan's MISSING BODY (helloooooo!?) and no Liv! Where the hell was Liv???

Yeah. Taco Cabana is da bomb when the workers aren't complete morons. I swear.... the staff at the Taco Bell across the street is uh... less white, probably speak less English and they have never ever gotten my order wrong. Not. Once. So it's not a matter of language barrier. It's just a matter of .... you know, I don't even know. I can't get inside the brain of someone who can't get basic shit right.

*This is the part where I have no idea what is up Blogger's butt but I am fucking tired of trying to fix it. If you want to visit George Newman's top 100 movie qutoes, please visit the link above his smartass comment. If you want to listen to Bowling for Soup's song "Ohio" which contains the classic line, "The Mexican food sucks north of here anyway" then please click on the link below. I'll try to fix it tomorrow.... thanks!*

Anyway. If you want good Mexican food, you're gonna have to drive south. George Newman's Top 100 Movie Quotes. The man cannot resist a list. I mean, I'm sure as soon as he finishes quoting movies, he'll start talking about other stuff, but for now just enjoy the movie quotes, MK? Thanks!

I bought an Ipex bra at Victoria's Secret yesterday. It's soft and the straps are nice n stretchy.

*Good yet vague news section*

OK, I thought of some good news. I have a spectacular scratch on my back that I sustained in a swimming pool. It sounds like it sucks, but it's kind of awesome when you think about it.

In other news.... the guy on the real news just used the word "plethora." That is kind of rad.

I am going to bed early tonight, I swear.

Ohfuhgawdsakes!!!

2005-07-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

I found myself repeating that phrase multiple times in the past 24 hours. I thought about this and realized that it has basically come down to three events. So in an attempt to lower my blood pressure and prepare for a relaxing weekend, I shall vent for you, the entire internet.

Exhibit A: I present this one first for it is, by far, the least funny and most terrifying. I was driving home on my lunch break to change my pants (I must have sat in something... there was some goo on the back of my thigh like right where the chair ends.... erm... irrelevant). OK, so I'm taking Big Busy Boulevard to Little Street, which is where I need to turn, right? Right. As I'm approaching my intersection... no light, no stop sign... I notice a woman pushing one of those tiny umbrella strollers, also approaching the intersection going the same direction I am, about to cross Little St. I think, hm, I hope she doesn't try to blindly cross that street. I put on my blinker. I slow down. She stops right on the corner, turns around, looks directly at me. I think, oh good, we have communication, she sees me, I see her and like normal people would, she will wait 1/2 a second while the car, which is must larger and much faster and coming off of a busy street and simply cannot stop in the middle of the road (ah, and don't forget, I was in a bundle of green-light escapees.... I really couldn't stop) makes the turn and then I can cross Little St safely with my little bambina. So she immediately turns right back around AND PROCEEDS DIRECTLY INTO THE INTERSECTION! By this time, I'm already beginning to turn, so I swing way far out to the left (good thing no one was coming my way on Little St) and still barely miss her. I look into my rear view mirror and she is literally, standing in the middle of the street giving me a dirty look. Hey, lady, you almost got mowed over by a Hyundai, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE STREET!!! Now from the time I began to turn until the time of the dirty look was just enough time for me to inhale sharply and exhale, so it happened pretty quick. I honestly do not know if I was in the wrong or not. I tried to put myself in her flip-flops and I still cannot understand seeing a car coming with their blinker on, slowing down, about to turn and still going through the intersection. I personally wait until both roads are clear before I navigate an intersection like that. Do pedestrians still have the right of way when there's no crosswalk? I mean, I wasn't going to just stop in the middle of the road and wait for her to mosey across. That would've surely caused an accident. Whew. OK, it's over. Glad I got that out.

Exhibit B: Yesterday, I went to Taco Cabana. Here is my order: Chicken quesadilla, two soft chicken tacos, no lettuce or tomato, one 32 ounce drink. I did not say it fast. I always wait for the cashier to finish pushing buttons on one thing before saying my next item. I'm considerate like that. She then asks me if I want pico de gallo on my quesadilla. This question always kinda irks me because it's supposed to come with pico. If I didn't want it, I'd say I didn't want it, eh? So I look the girl straight in the eye and give her an emphatic "Yes" to the pico inquiry. So I wait. Doot-dee-doo. Fill up my tea. La-ti-da. Here's my order. I pick it up. Chicken quesadilla, no pico, one steak taco with no lettuce, tomato, OR CHEESE. Go back and read what I wrote at the beginning of Exhibit B. See what I ordered and compare. So I check my receipt. Chicken quesadilla (unmodified.... check.... kitchen got that one wrong by leaving off the pico), One steak taco (when I ordered 2 chicken tacos), no lettuce, no tomato (she got the condiments right). So why did they leave off the cheese!!! So not only did the girl put the order in wrong, the kitchen fucked up what she had already fucked up! WHAT THE FUCK?! I swear to San Antonio I am never going back to that Taco Cabana ever again even though I love Taco Cabana, as a general thing. They screw up my order every single time and it's even worse in the drive through. I am sad that I have to break up with my nearest Taco Cabana. Good thing there's one by the mall. Mmmmm the maaaaaaallllllll..............

Exhibit C: OK, this one.... I don't know if you'll find it funny or not because it has a lot to do with my work and I don't know if I explain my work well enough sometimes. So you see, I assign rural addresses. This is something that must be done, believe it or not, with a certain level of accuracy. It's rural, so a lot of addresses are far apart, and you have to allow for future development, blah blah blah. So we've got a pretty good system going with the County. The County issues permits and then requests the address for the new house/barn/business from me. I assign it, notify the county, send a letter to the resident. Simple as pie for the resident. The County requires the permit, not so much to restrict building, but just so that they know what's going on and so no one builds in a flood plain and all the proper culverts are put in blah blah blah boring work stuff.

So this woman.... let's call her Tammy. She calls my coworker Kandy, who mercifully screens most of my phone calls and refers them to the County, which is where they need to go first for their permits before bugging me about an address. Apparently, Tammy had bought some land and was about to move her mobile home onto the land. She went to the post office and they requested that she contact me to make sure it was a valid address (I hope I don't give too much away when I tell you right off.... it wasn't). Tammy did not take this well because she already supposedly had an address. It was on her contract. It was legal and binding. Or..... was it? So Kandy confirms the location of the lot and tries to refer her to the County for a permit. She says, "My name is Tammy Smith... can you check to see if my builder filed for it?" Kandy informs her that no she cannot check because you do not file permits in this office. Would you like the number for the County? Tammy: "But why can't you make it valid? It's been the address for years." Kandy: "Because that is not the correct address. You have to get your permit first and then we will assign you an address." The conversation goes on and on like this for at least 10 minutes, all the while Kandy is trying to steer this woman over to the County. Finally, she gives up and decides that she wants to talk it over with me before advising Tammy any further. So Kandy asks her, "I'd like to talk this over with Dianna, who assigns the addresses. Can I get your phone number so we can call you back?" Tammy: ".......... Oh. I don't know my phone number." This is where we sort of start to think that maybe Tammy ain't the brightest. Kandy: "OK Tammy. Can you call back in about 20 minutes, then?" Tammy (in awe and wonder): "........How did you know my name?" Kandy: *smacks head repeatedly* "Ma'am. You told me your name when you were asking me to look for your permits." In reality, she'd told Kandy her name about four times already. OK, short term memory problems here......

So then I get a phone call from Keith. Keith is the cosigner. I can hear the dip in Keith's lip. Please couple that with the biggest Texan accent you can fathom. "Permit? I don't need no permission for nothin, I just go n' do it!" Me (fighting back the urge to congratulate him snarkily): "Well, sir. If you don't get your permit, I can't give you an address." Keith: "We done got our address! Why cain't ya just tell the post office here that it's good?" Me: "Uh.... because it's not?"

Let's pause here and fill you in. They were using an odd number on the even side of the street... big no-no. The lot in question actually already had an address (an even one), but hell if I was going to give that out without a permit. Whoever had that lot before had obviously made up the address... and poorly, at that.

Keith: *talks in circles and says everything I've told you about five more times*
Me: *doodles whilst repeating herself about five more times*
Me: Sir, would you like the number to the County? They can tell you whether you need a permit or not and if you don't need one, they'll call me and you'll have your correct address in about ten seconds.
Keith: No, I don't wanna talk to the County.
Me: *perplexed seeing as I just told him exactly how to solve his problem*
Keith: I'll have my builder call you.
Me: Um. OK.
*click*

Builder calls. Thankfully, he seems to have some working brain cells. I explain the permitting/addressing process to him. He says he understands and takes down the number for the County. Yay! Success!!! .....Or is it?

Today I get a phone call from TJ. I have no idea the relation to these people, but he is very concerned as to why they can't just use the odd number. OHFUHGAWDSAKES!!! Go back and talk to the OTHER THREE PEOPLE that this has been explained to AT LENGTH within the past 24 hours! And then call the County!!! Thankfully, TJ takes the number and very politely thanks me for my help.

WHEW!

And now the weekend can begin. I have some good news for you too, but honestly, I think I need another post for that since I'm not sure how many people who actually started this thing finished it. And people? It's Friday and we need good news. Venting. Venting good. Ooh, know what else is good? Venti.

Until the happy post..... ta-ta!

The Last Two Weeks Have Been Awesome!

2005-07-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you heard me! I better hurry up and tell someone before the vacation from emotional turmoil ends. Aaaaah.... someone get me a Mai-Tai and quick before it's all over.

It aaaaaaall started July 6th. But I can't really get into that night too much. I have this weird superstition about talking about things before they've..... erm.... blossomed. So let's just say I met a guy and I like him and he appears to like me and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I completely kicked his ass at trivia. We should probably also factor in my spectacular rack. OK, so that was a Wednesday. That next Friday, the 8th, a woman approaches me and says she recognized my trivia name. What am I? Some sort of trivial celebrity? Well, apparently her son had told her all about me. That's right, I met his mom right then and there. Turns out, she's a pretty cool dame and we ended up talking most of the rest of the night. Oh yeah, and she's an attorney. That becomes important later.

And THEN!!! July 9th!!! Guess who I went to see? Go on. Guess. OK fine, I'll just tell you!!! PAT BENATAR!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! She is soooooooooooo awesome! More exclamation points!!!!! I had so much fun! Even that part where Beth almost had to kick that psycho girl's ass. I mean, in an evening of such ass-kicking, it would've fit right in. First, we got down to the Stockyards and parked our matching CRVs and took off on foot to go eat. Naturally, we find a bitchin burger joint with a lazy hostess and school chairs. God I love Fort Worth. Seriously. Then we went over to Billy Bob's to get ourselves a good standing point in the concert bowl. I have no idea why she plays at the World's Largest Honky Tonk, she just does, OK? Anyway, so we take shifts saving the spot and going to the bathroom, etcetera before Pat comes on. The people are kinda sparce even though we got pretty close. So it's my turn to go and Jessica and I go as buddies and we visited the radio station table and got a pen and some magnets and we go back to the spot and it is CROWDED! I mean, it is PACKED! Luckily, we were standing behind the lesbians who turned out to be very short lesbians. And right behind me? A tall guy. Freakin sweet! I had a perfect view and the guy behind me... it's almost like he kept a clear perimeter around me. So I wasn't crowded and I could see Pat Freakin Benatar right there. SHE WAS RIGHT THERE! I tried to record a voice memo of some of my favorite songs, but all I could hear later was, you guessed it, me singing along! Hehehe Totally worth it, though. I had a blast not only because of who I saw but who I was with. So a big what what goin out to JeshCa, Em, Da, Jordanna, and Ebizaleth. I had a BLAAAAAAST!

Ah, OK, what came next? Oh! The Wednesday after that.....the 13th! I meet up with the Mom again, right? The guy's mom... not mine. And I let it slip that I have never received a child support payment and that there were never any legal documents filed to establish paternity (and therefore grandparents' rights). Man, that really set her off. She got on my ASS about never doing that! I have had some very good friends and family members try to persuade me to get those papers filed. They did all they could to try to convince me, but I was very fearful of the wrath from the co-parent that I could incite. He's not physically abusive or anything, but he's got a mouth on him and he has threatened me before with lawyers and taking Gabi away and while I am not a big wimp, the mere thought of losing my daughter terrifies me. The other thing holding me back.... I didn't know where to start and I am not financially prepared to hire an attorney. So she informs me of all the consequences of not filing those papers, and they are a-plenty. Not only am I missing out on child support payments (which are NOT about me or him, they are about HER), but Gabi's grandparents have no rights. That made me feel like a real asshole. So we exchanged phone numbers and she called me the next day about noon. She had been on the phone with the Texas Attorney General's office ALL MORNING getting the information I needed. She told me exactly what to do. And that night? I did it. I finally did it. So the paperwork is filed. And it didn't cost me a cent. Cross your fingers, toes, whatever and hope for smooth sailing. I did tell the co-parent's mother and she was grateful and doesn't think that he'll be angry with me. We'll just have to see about that. But at least now I know I have a support system behind me just in case.

And then last Friday and Saturday I did get to see the guy again. He's really tall. And better looking than I had remembered. OK, that's all I'm saying. Seriously. OK fine, we kissed a little. Fine, a lot. But who knows? I'm not getting any expectations up. I'm just going to enjoy it when I enjoy it. And I can't tell you any more about him at least until I come up with a clever nickname.

And Saturday, my Mom came into town. Since my birthday is Friday, she took me shopping. For a NEW BED!!! Wheeeee!!! I have had the same day bed for the past fifteen years. Same mattress, everything. Needless to say, it's in sad shape. The only times I didn't use it was the two years I lived in the dorm in college and the two years I lived with the co-parent. I am so excited. It's a queen size and I got all new stuff for it... pillows and all. I shall live like a queen indeed. So that will be delivered Saturday. I simply cannot wait. And then, she told me what I'm getting for my next birthday... the big 3-0.... a CRUISE! I've never been on a cruise!!! In fact, I haven't been on a vacation.... haven't even left the state (except for Oklahoma and like that counts) in 10 years. TEN YEEEEEEARS!!! I haven't even been on an airplane. That sucks, y'all. No really. I love Texas, but I think I need a break in order to fully appreciate its wonderfulness.

And this coming Friday is my birthday and since my REAL birthday present/party was the Pat Benatar concert, I'm just going to keep it simple and hang out at the regular bar, hopefully with some extra people. It's not really about where I go, but who I'm with. And then Saturday, Jordan is having a party so yay full social calendar. At least this week. Hehehe! So finally, I feel like everything is really going well. I have no idea how long it's going to last, so I'd better relish it while I can. WEEHOO!!!

I just realized, I'm not as funny when I'm not totally bitching about something. Hee! OK, I'd better get to bed because this morning? I got to work 25 minutes early and I'm going to try to do it again. As much as it sucks getting up earlier, it is weirdly satisfying to get there early. I can't believe I just said that.

One more thing.... GOOOO RANGERS!!! They beat the Yankees tonight! Woooohoooo!!! It's always sweet when the Yanks lose, but it's extra sweet when it's at the hands of the Rangers.

Amazing Race Rocks My Face

2005-07-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

Just in case some of you are not aware, Game Show Network is running every single episode of the Amazing Race ever to exist every night (apparently, except Monday???) at 9 ET/8 CT. I had better get my VCR fired up because I'm going to be recording .....whatever comes on at 8 so Gabs and I can watch TAR. But don't worry.... know why? Because they replay it at 11!!! This is going to be completely emotionally draining and wonderfully exhilarating all at the same time. The first episode alone kinda made me tear up a couple times. Damn that Amazing Soundtrack. It's fun to note the differences: the route markers, the rules, Phil's hair. It will also be fun to go back and read the TWoP recaps! Wheeeeeeeee!!!! I've started reading the first episode's recap (Season 1 started last night) and I have found a wonderful passage in it that I would like to pass on to everyone because I can't stop reading it because it is so awesome:

At this point, Frank busts out a "little quiz" for Margarita. The question? "Who's the boss? Who's the boss?" Margarita rolls her eyes and points out that he wasn't supposed to "start that," which suggests to me that he does this regularly. Nice. She grits her teeth and says, "That would be you, honey." Then she giggles.
Now let me pause here for a moment. I'm no fan of Frank, and I'm not going to defend what he did here, or what he does anywhere else. But you know, she's not earning any points with me either. I hate it when women pull this crap -- telling themselves that it's okay to tell some controlling asshole exactly what he wants to hear, as long as they do it with the gritted teeth or the eye roll or whatever it is that they think indicates that they don't really mean it. You know what, hon? He doesn't care if you mean it. He's proving he can make you say it. He's proving he can make you do what he wants, and the fact that you hate doing it so much actually makes it MORE fun for him, not less. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, but Margarita certainly appears to be a party to her own misery. Tell him to shove it, or don't, but don't cave and try to look tough at the same time. And furthermore, Frank? Tony Danza called and asked that you stop taking the name of his show in vain.

Preach on!!! That is advice that I need like you would not believe. OK, maybe most of you believe it. Man.... something to think about. Real real hard. Aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.......

This is going to be so much fun! I hope I don't get TAR burnout...

London Calling

2005-07-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

Do you know what I do not want to hear on the news tonight? How people in Dallas are reacting to these barbaric (tm Tony Blair) attacks in London. Do you know what I DO want to hear on the news tonight? How people in LONDON are reacting!!! Hellooooooooooooooo!!!! Can we focus here? Freakin media.

I hope that didn't sound insensitive. My point is that we should be focusing on the people of London and those injured and lost. My thoughts, as well as Gabi's, are with those affected.

As I've studied disasters of all types, a few things have really stuck with me. The first thing that comes to mind is that whatever information you see or read within the first 24 hours.... at least half of it is wrong. In the mad rush to get the information on the airwaves, many media outlets just put up what they heard or thought they heard and rely upon speculation and present it as fact. It's not good or bad, it's just what happens. We are all hungry for information and they give us whatever they've got. The problem is, a lot of us are really not in the mood to pick apart the reliable information from the questionable information. But we should be vigilant about the information we believe and repeat. The media is our best friend and worst enemy in times like these.

Now the big, humongous, massive problem I have with the media is the myth that they perpetuate every time something awful happens: that there is panic and chaos in the streets. I even read one story with the headline "Panic and Chaos in London Following Attacks." I tried to find the link, but it appears to be gone now or maybe they changed its headline (it was an AP story on Yahoo). If you actually read these stories and not just headlines like that one, you will find that Londoners were actually very calm and helpful to one another. Yes, they were shocked. Who wouldn't be? Naturally, there will be some that panic. But widespread panic is a myth. The truth is, the real first responders are victims and bystanders. And from what I read (yet another story I can't seem to find again... this one was on CNN.com), there was an emergency plan in place and it was followed properly. Hospitals were not overwhelmed and emergency services functioned as had been planned. I think this disaster and its response will be studied for years to come.

But what I really find remarkable is that the transit system was up and running by the end of the day (as much as possible, anyway). I saw some pictures of crowds.... CROWDS waiting to board the trains as soon as they reopened. Wow. Way to give those assholes the finger, eh? Double-barrell, at that. They wanted to disrupt your lives and cause panic, but they failed. What they got was calm and resilience. Bravo, London. You will be invincible. Oh, and congrats on that Olympics thing. That'll be one hell of a party.

And no comparisons to 9/11, please. These are very different scenarios and the only thing that they really have in common is the involvement of al-Quaeda whack job fundamentalists who really think that killing innocent people is going to convince us to do one damn thing they want.

With all that being said, our thoughts are with you, Londoners. Hope I didn't say anything to piss you off. These are just my opinions from across the pond. Cheerio.

FIRE!

2005-07-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

Hurray for Independence Day! It is most certainly my favorite holiday, for without it, we may not have any of the others. I hope all of my American friends had a lovely day and I hope all of my friends across the pond, up yonder, and way down under were all amused by us Americans yet again. And just this one day out of the year, I'd like to say "Up your nose with a rubber hose, England!" =)

I had a good one. Took Gabs to the water park here in town. Couldn't find my SPF 45, so I thought I'd just try to stay in the shade most of the time. Well, that worked out well. I am now ON FIRE! My body is cold, yet my skin is about 500 degrees. Go on. Cook an egg on my shoulder. It'll be grand. Actually.... where's that Crisco?

And then we went up to the mall to view some fireworks and see Raven. Yes, Raven as in Olivia from the Cosby show. She's very popular with the Disney crowd. So popular, in fact, that the only place we could barely get a glimpse of her was actually outside the event "gates" and off to the side. I perched my wee one up on my badly sun damaged shoulder so she could see. It hurt like hell, but was totally worth it to see her singing along and yelling "Go Raven!" She was in hog heaven. It was also worth it because we were behind one of the radio station vans (actually in between two of them), and the guy stuck with the job of telling everyone to get off the vans was wicked hot. So Gabs got to see Raven and I had some eye candy and all was good. Then we cut out of the concert.... that we were really never technically at.... to go find a spot to watch the fireworks. It was 87 degrees when we got home, so it was probably at least 90 out in the mall parking lot with a few thousand people. Poor lil princess was hot. But as soon as the parking lot lights went out, she perked right up and ooooh'd and aaaaah'd with every firework. She also asked why they're called fireworks. I asked her what they SHOULD be called. Her answer: firecolors. Can't argue with that. The kid's a genius. What can I say?

So anyway. She was asleep before we got home and now I'm about to head off. I wore us both out today. WHEW! Big time sleepin is the only thing left to do today. Good night, dear blogworld.

It's F Day!

2005-07-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

OK listen. I have to get this off my chest before it infects my entire weekend. Better to do it now instead of letting it fester. Also.... I should attach an adult language advisory and if you would like to go on believing that I do not curse like a sailor when I am set off, please do not highlight the following. Thank you.

How come some people cannot fucking admit that they were just a jerk to me??? They KNOW they were a jerk, yet they call me bitchy! Grrrrr!!!! For EXAMPLE!!! The past few weeks, Gabi's grandfather has picked her up from school on Fridays. This week, I was told that he would not be picking her up and I would need to pick her up and wait for her father to get off work and her father would pick her up from my house before taking her to his mom's. Gottit? OK, well I decide that it would be better for everyone involved if I dropped her off at his work since it is much closer to his mom's and it would not make sense to double back all that way to my house and back south to his mom's. OK? Follow me here? So I call at 4:50 pee em and leave a message with my child's father asking if I should just take her to his work instead of going home and to please call me and let me know what he would like me to do. I clear my desk, go downstairs and put postage on last batch of mail and head out. I stop by the post office to drop off said mail and head to the day care. A Queen song comes on. I am happy. I get to the day care. Well, everyone working at the day care came on their shifts at 12:30 and none of them have seen Gabi all day. Huh. So the lady in charge calls the director who was there this morning and the director confirms that Gabi's grandfather picked her up this morning. OK fine. Whatever. I get back out to the car and my phone is ringing. It is the child's father. My ears are red just thinking about this conversation. First thing he says is, "I see you called. What did you want?" OK first off, fucker, I left a message. That's what I called about. So I explained that I called at first to ask if he wanted me to drop her off at the bank but now I'm just wondering what happened. Did he express any appreciation for my effort to make HIS LIFE EASIER??? FUUUUCK NO! And he starts in with, "Well I was going to call you, but I've had a busy day." I ask him, very genially mind you, "Oh. Well when did you know he would be picking her up?" He says he knew at 7:20 that morning! But he didn't call because he didn't want to wake me up. WHAT??? What the hell does he know about what time I get up in the morning??? The anger begins to build...... As I start to say that he could've called me he says, "I don't need your bitching and sniping, OK? We've had a rough day and our computers crashed and all the customers are bitchy." OK, hold up. I'm the one bitching??? I arrive to pick up my daughter and SHE'S NOT THERE and now I'm being the bitch? Oh, fuck you mister. I inform him that it would've taken him ten seconds to call and tell me what is going on and he pretty much verbally rolls his eyes at me with an "Oh whatever." Now I'm pissed. I let him know that his shitty day is not an excuse to lay into me for letting him know that I don't appreciate being kept out of the loop. It's like his family is Gabi's only family and I'm this minor annoyance and he doesn't have to have a shred of respect for me or my time. Then he's all "*Sigh* I have to go." And I say, "Oh, but I'm sorry, Dianna. I took my crap day out on you. I shouldn't have sniped at you for absolutely nothing." And he very sarcastically adds, "You're right." And hung up. Now what the fuck. He just gets to be a major ass to me and never has to make amends for it? What's it going to take for him to be a decent human being to me? He's fucking great to everyone else, but a complete ass to me. And no, that's not my paranoia speaking. I've seen him give total strangers more respect in 5 minutes than he's given me the 7 years we've known each other.

OH, and speaking of which, same goes for fucking CK. He is a slimy jerk to me every time I see him, yet expects me to be all sweet n rosy and accepting and cheerful. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for way too long and I'm sick of getting walked all over. Sorry, fuckers I'm all outta nice. Call me a bitch all you want, but you won't be getting any more common courtesy from me. I have been far too kind and understanding to two fuckwads who couldn't care less about understanding a solitary word that escapes my mouth. So fuck you and fuck you.

OK, I'm all fucked out.

And Dear Verizon,

Next time you send me a little "telegram" via Western Union, there better be money inside. Bastards.

My Evening

2005-06-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

~ Pick up Gabi from day care. She is in a good mood and asks to eat at Angelina's.

~ Considering I just got paid today, agree to dinner at Angelina's.

~ Consume fajitas with my little lady.

~ Child requests dessert.

~ She is denied.

~ Child bats eyelashes and insists that she can "hypnotize me with [her] cute."

~ Order flan for dessert for my sweet baby since they are fresh out of sopapillas.

~ Make mental note that ankle-biter does not like flan, even if it is four bucks.

~ Visit grocery store to purchase milk for munchkin and DOUBLE ROLL toilet paper since I bought single roll last time and am completely fed up with changing roll every four hours.

~ Remember commercial for Veet wax set. Recall use of the word "comfort" in title and decide that it doesn't sound so bad.

~ Add to basket new Kindergarten workbook for the little princess, My Little Pony Memory game, and newest issue of D Magazine.

~ Check out and purchase 5 lottery tickets (2 Cash 5, 3 Texas Lottery). Inform child that if we win, we will totally go to Six Flags.

~ Go back to apartment complex and check mail. Insert mail into shopping bag not containing milk.

~ Go home and view last night's Dancing with the Stars while setting up My Little Pony Memory game.

~ Vow to watch Strictly Ballroom more often.

~ After Dancing with the Stars is finished, view Hit Me Baby One More Time while playing My Little Pony Memory game.

~ Halfway through HMBOMT, beat five year old at My Little Pony Memory game. Try not to rub it in.

~ Decide to open mail on commercial break.

~ Open unmarked envelope to find tickets to Pat Benatar on July 9th.

~ Show Gabi and scream and act like an idiot for oh, about five minutes.

~ Order half pint into shower.

~ Read Veet box while listening to rugrat sing Kelly Clarkson songs in the shower.

~ After shrimpboat finishes shower, help dry hair and comb out. Put into braid to prevent tangles.

~ Help with first couple of pages of Kindergarten work book.

~ Carry baby girl to bed and pat the royal back until she is relaxed and ready to sleep.

~ Bid baby a good night and sweet dreams.

~ Decide that waxing tonight would be better than trying tomorrow night, just in case further hair removal procedures will be necessary 24 hours after initial removal (common procedure for hair removal tactics).

~ Carefully read instructions and begin to wax legs.

~ Realize that counting to three and taking a deep breath assists in rapid removal of wax strips.

~ Marvel at removed hairs in used wax strip.

~ Utilize wax removal cloth included in set. Note that only one such cloth was included in set.

~ Decide that bikini line could use some attention.

~ Cut regular wax strip in half.

~ Apply 1/2 wax strip to right side of bikini line.

~ Remind self that children have been birthed and this will be no big deal and over much faster.

~ Attempt to remove wax strip.

~ Remember that there were a lot of drugs involved in birthing child.

~ Decide to slowly remove wax strip so as not to rip out any more hair.

~ Reach for wax removal cloth and realize that all magical wax removing properties are now gone.

~ Consult box. It says to use cotton ball dipped in oil to remove wax after magical cloth has used up all of its magic.

~ Search bathroom for baby oil. Remember getting unfathomable amounts at baby showers six years ago and insist that there must be some somewhere in house.

~ Accept defeat in battle for baby oil.

~ Remember purchase of Crisco a few months ago.

~ Dip cotton pad in Crisco and apply to my very violated bikini line.

~ Cotton sticks to wax.

~ Apply more oil.

~ Roll up cotton and remove wax.

~ Use washcloth to apply more oil.

~ Note wax-free bikini line.

~ Apologize profusely to right side of bikini line.

~ Realize I have half of a wax strip left over.

~ Decide to wax left side of bikini line utilizing lessons learned from right side debacle.

~ Apply wax strip much more carefully.

~ Count to three and take deep breath.

~ Count to three and take deep breath.

~ Count to three and take deep breath while removing wax strip.

~ Make mental note to never ever apply wax to bikini line ever again. Stick to chemicals next time.

~ Apply Crisco and remove wax.

~ Get dressed and think about how lucky some man would be to have me right about now. All oiled up: tasty and flammable.

~ Decide that a glass of wine is most certainly in order.

~ Read label on wine. McWilliam's Merlot, South Eastern Australia, 2003 trophy at Sydney Wine Show.

~ Locate corkscrew.

~ Curse entire nation of Australia for making its wine bottles so bloody difficult to open.

~ Get wine bottle open.

~ Continue to curse entire nation of Australia for existence of CK.

~ Drink glass of wine while writing blog.

~ Note pleasing anesthetic effect of wine.

~ Consider letter writing campaign to Veet complaining of false advertising for using word "comfort" in title of product.

~ Pour new glass and publish blog containing horrific details of evening.

2005-06-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

Do you know who is really getting on my nerves lately? Blondie. If I hear "Call Me" one more time on some inane commercial, I'm going to stab myself in the face. Has anyone ever listened to the lyrics of that song? Color me your car??? WTF, lady? Whatever. Also? Blackeyed Peas. Just.... Phunk this, OK? I don't care what you do, just get off my TV and get the hell off of my radio. So much hate.

On the flipside.... boy I love me some Kelly Clarkson. Numerous times today, I was flipping through stations and she was on at least two stations simultaneously. That girl's got some pipes. American Idol worked for her. Too bad no one else will ever measure up. I'll keep watching, though because I am addicted to television. Television. When you say it out loud like that... it sounds so.... futuristic. Like... teleport or transmogrifier. Awesome. Also? There's always an also. I have a renewed love for Def Leppard despite their obvious problems with spelling. Although, I can definitely respect their love for phonics. Nothin but love for the hard o' hearing spotted cats. But when they were actually popular? I seriously could not have cared less. They all sounded the same to me. Drums, guitars, whatever. Bring on the New Kids and Milli Vanilli! But now.... man, I can't get enough! I just wanna rock out and armageddon it (whatever that means)! And I don't really care much for Poison or White....whatever or any of those other 80's "hair bands." Just Def Leppard. That's all.

Man, I'm in a better mood than earlier tonight, eh? I guess beer and free food will do that. My friend Tom (who is leaving on Tuesday *sad face*) won this goofy contest where you find the mistake on the calendar. Anyway, he won a "party" with free pool and free food. Well, he had invited all his peeps and like, everyone bailed except for a couple of people so he just kind of gave up on it. When I heard this, I was like.... dude. That is the biggest load of bull. There are at least ten other regulars here who would join you and probably 10 other random people here that would join you, as well. I mean... who turns down free food, right? So he went on and ordered the FREE food and we played pool and all was right in the kingdom. Yes, I somehow kept getting chosen to play pool with people (due to lack of willing participants) and yes I found new and interesting ways to lose, but it was still fun! For me, anyway. And now I'm tired. And I should've been in bed a couple of hours ago, but I chose to stay and write because things were still trolling about my brain (especially after some beers), so you know... had to get it out. =)

Wow. That only took 10 minutes. Fastest blog EVER!!!

2005-06-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

I smell like car. I mean... is it just me? It's like, I left work smelling like a rose. Then I went to pick up the munchkin and took her to her father's place of work which is about 10 miles away, but I have to use city streets (no freeways) so it takes more like half an hour to get there (grr). So I'm doing this lovely deed for my co-parent, who by the way, will most likely never return the favor. The only time I am outside is at work, day care, bank (his workplace), mail box, and home. I mean, sure it's 100 degrees outside, but I wasn't even outside for a total 5 minutes and I have some massive a/c in the car. And I get inside and I'm like.... ew... shower now. Such a vast decline of hygeine in so little time. Gotta love summer.

OK, sorry for the gross story. I noticed that ABC aired a rerun of Dancing with the Stars before airing the new episode tonight. Didn't something else used to come on before it? Some new show that was canceled so quickly that no one even noticed it was gone? I've been watching Beauty and the Geek during that hour which somehow is always really good. Richard gets on my ever lovin last nerve, but I have to admit that he adds conflict and.... annoyance. Poor Mindi. Poooooor poor Mindi. And then at 8, I've been recording Dancing while I watch Veronica Mars reruns. Rocks my face.

I have had a lot of junk rolling around in my mind lately, probably due to my not adding any posts lately. So how come when I sit down to write it all, I go blank and all I can think about is car smell? Sheesh. OK, maybe I'll be back later to add on.

Oh, a quick hello to our newest reader! This one.... a KIWI! =) And new anonymous commenter.... if you're in love with me, the least you could do is sign your name. Hee!

Not tonight....

2005-06-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

Hm, apparently this Blogger thing has got its images thing figured out. Let's test this bad boy out.

Well. That particular feature seems to work. OK, let's try the other feature....

Hm. Excellent. Well, I guess that's it.

OK, not really. I think I may have somehow acquired some new readers. Hello new reader from the UK and hello new reader from San Antonio. =) I am sorry if you were expecting something interesting or poignant, because I am neither of those things. Unless, of course, you consider like.... algae interesting. If you just thought, "Hey, what's wrong with algae?" and then you clicked on that link and read at least one paragraph.... well, this might just be the blog for you after all. Please, leave a witty and meaningful comment. One of us needs to be at least one of those things and let me tell you, it ain't gonna be me.... not tonight anyway.

Coincidence?

2005-06-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

Last night, Jessica and I hung out with some guys from Bowling for Soup. And guess what I have today? A hangover I don't deserve. No lie.

Summer TV Part Deux

2005-06-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

Summer TV. What to say? It mostly.... well, sucks. That's good and bad. I mean, there is some decent programming, but unlike the fall, when every night is jam-packed and sometimes overflowing with delicious TV goodness, the summer is kind of like a light brunch. Most of the stuff you don't care about, but you eat it anyway while you wait for the good stuff (i.e. lobster). Aaaaanyway! Here's my unprofessional and admittedly irrelevant opinions....

I Want to be a Hilton: Gabi recognized this show from its promos. She said, "Daddy said this looked stupid." I said, "For once, Daddy's right, honey." I mean... social tips from the woman who raised Paris? Heebies. But we watched it anyway. Why? Nothing else on. So, it's not TOO bad. The cast is everything you think it might be. The gay one, the black diva, the cowboy, the showgirl, the white trash. But here's what surprised me.... Kathy Hilton actually is kind of charming. I mean, that's practically her job, but she has better camera presence than Tommy Hilfiger and, dare I say it, Donald Trump. At one point, Gabi groaned, "When's Survivor coming baaaaaack?" Word up, homey. Just..... Word.

The Cut: Sigh. Tommy Hilfiger has zero camera presence and maybe should not be the star of his own show. Add on top of that unlikable cast, seemingly irrelevant tasks, cheesy dismissal line, and little too much similarity to The Apprentice (all except the good parts.... if there are any left) and you have a forgettable show. Pfft.

I still love Beauty and the Geek. It gets better every week. I'm not all about Dancing with the Stars as much, but I do record it since it comes on Wednesdays and Gabi's with her dad and he refuses to watch it so she and I watch it on Thursday night. Whew! Long sentence...

The Scholar: Yes, I realize that Gabi and I are the only ones who watch it. Pfft. Gabi loves it for some reason, so we watch it. It's OK, I guess, but it's kind of heartbreaking to know that half of these incredibly bright kids will probably walk away with nothing. At least they don't send one of them home every week. If everyone could like, stop copying Survivor, that'd be great.

Gilmore Girls: I had never ever watched an episode of this show until last Tuesday. They're replaying this past season and it is actually really good! Like, now I know what all the hype is about and why there should probably be more hype. It walks that line between comedy and drama so perfectly..... even better than Desperate Housewives IMNHO.

Veronica Mars: Hee! I love watching the reruns (even though they're not in order.... grrrr) knowing the answers to the mystery. It's so tasty!

And my new addiction....

The 4400: Now this is appointment television. And I would like to thank Jing for getting me hooked on it. Jessica was cool enough to DVR all of Season One when they replayed it a couple weeks ago and we spent a week catching up. So by the time that Season Two rolled around, we could watch it when it came on and not be behind. The story is really something that can hold your attention and leave you wanting more. And it's on cable so there's sex and mild cursing! Awesome!

Relatively short post. I've been sick and should go to bed, but I took two naps today so to tell the truth, I'm not quite so tired. But then again, I haven't taken my magical cough medicine yet. Ah, I'd better get to that. Oh wait! First.... cute Gabi story.

So Gabi has this game called Cadoo or somesuch. It's basically a bunch of different cards with different tasks on them. Some are to make a clay sculpture and make the other team guess. Some are draw a picture and some are "live action" sort of a charades type thing. So she gets a charades card and she stands up and puts her hands over her head like you'd do if you were making a shark fin. She says, "Guess what I am, Mommy!" So of course, I guess shark... nope. A diver? Nope. A statue (cop out guess)? Nope. Can I have a clue? Orange! Huh? I'm baffled so I give. "I'm a carrot! See?" And she shows me the card and it says "Karate." =) Learning to read is fun.

OK, off to dreamland!

Make It Stop!

2005-06-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of phrases that I hear a lot and they drive me up the wall. They make no sense and I really feel that I need to spread the word and hopefully, little by little, they can be stopped.

The ball is in your court: Meaning that it's your move. I've done my share, said my piece, and now it's your turn. Now, if the move you made was in your court, and now the ball is in my proverbial court, then I guess that means we have two courts and that we are not even playing on the same court and could possibly be playing two completely different games. Does that make a lick of sense? NO! How about, "The ball is in your half of the court" a la tennis or ping pong? Or simply, "It's your move" alluding to chess? What game do you play on two courts? It's ridiculous and it must be stopped. Inevitably, this phrase always comes up in a tense situation, so I can never point out the ridiculosity of that statement. I know it's a figure of speech, but it's a really dumb, nonsensical figure of speech. I hate it. But not as much as I hate....

Day in and day out: AUGH!!! I want to scream every time I hear it and even moreso when I read it! WTF is a DAY OUT???? Night time, you say? OK, then explain to me why people say "week in and week out" or "year in and year out" or any variation of said excrutiating statement!!! It's supposed to mean "all the time without fail" but dammit, don't people hear themselves when they say it? Can I possibly be the only one who has heard it and thought, "That doesn't make any sense." I mean.... for that matter, what's a day in? I mean, no one ever says, "Well, I really only go to work day in, Bob works day out."

Now, I put up with these phrases for a long time because I thought that maybe they were just some sort of regional colloquialisms that I just needed to suck up and deal with. For heavens sakes, I live in Texas and I probably say "fixin to" on a daily basis and don't even realize it. What is that about? But then I started seeing these vile phrases in print. In NATIONAL publications and I just couldn't freakin deal with it any more. I had to vent. If you've gotten this far, you know like, thanks and stuff and maybe you'll want to join my army of colloquialism police? The CPD? I could really use some deputies.

Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh!

2005-06-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

This post will have no structure. No beginning, no "meat of the story", no closer, and, as you may have guessed, no point. Let's get started, shall we?

The other day in the car, Gabi and I were listening to the radio and "Jungle Love" came on the radio. Gabi asks, very sincerely, "What kind of music is this?" I think for a minute about how to answer that and first decide to NOT say "It's Morris Day and the Motherfuckin Time!" a la Jay. So I tell her, "Well, the band's name is Morris Day and the *pause to make sure I don't say it* Time. I guess this kind of music is happy pop funky soul dance music." And she says, "It makes me want to DANCE!" And I look in my rear view mirror, and sure enough, she is boogeying her little heart out. Oh Wee Oh Wee Oh! Just a fount of fun, she is.

Friday, I was driving (again) and I was listening to the best radio station ever. Get this.... Nelson (!!!) and Harvey Danger back to back. I almost exploded from my desire to high five that DJ. Nelson, y'all. NELSON! And then FLAG POLE SITTA! o/* I can't live without your love and affection! I can't take another night on my own! I'd give up my pride, save me from being aloooooone! BAY-BEEEEEEH! o/* Man, whatever happened to those guys? Cheesy videos and long-hair-slinging aside, they were pretty good!

And now I'm going to go over to Jessica's and go swimming. This is terrifying to me for two reasons. One, I am fat and don't particularly want anyone seeing me in a skin-tight, tiny piece of fabric that shows off my every imperfection. I'm so used to dressing to hide those flaws, and I do it so well, but swimsuits.... brutal. Two, I am white. Milky white. Blindingly white. I burn in like, twenty minutes. I wear everything-proof 50 SPF to prevent myself from burning. So why can't people just accept that I'm pale? Huh? Everyone's always tryin to tan me. "Girl, you need some sun." I love sun. But the frying of flesh isn't really all that fun for me. And I think that people take my pale skin as a sign that I don't go outside much. Well, even if I did go outside a lot, I'd still be really pale thanks to the wonders of SPF 50. So stop all this nonsense! I'm here! I'm white! Get used to it! Or something.

Leaving now.

Word of the Day

2005-06-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Brought to you by our sponsor.... Lynne:

Scrappetite - n. The urge or habit of eating your children's leftovers, or in more extreme cases, (my embellishment) eating directly off of their plate while they are still eating.

Synonym:
Waist Management - n. The obligation of rescuing what food would otherwise be put down the garbage disposal and depositing it directly into your belly!

Mumble Mumble

2005-06-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today, on my way to pick up the bambina, I was behind this car with a shoe-polished message on its back window. I'm always curious to see who graduated or who got married or whatever. But this one said, "American Campion!" Well, I can guess at least one thing that they're NOT the champion of. Oh look, here's another thing they're not the champion of! It always amazes me when people don't catch these things, because let me tell you, there's ALWAYS someone lurking about to point out my mistakes. You know, if I ever made any. *ahem*

So anyway. I met a guy this weekend. Well, I should say he introduced himself to me at the bar. It was actually sort of funny because he was there with CK. Oooh there's a name you haven't heard in a while, eh? Anyway, so he (we'll call him J) introduces himself to me and then he turns around all, "This is my friend [CK]!" I said, "Uh, yeah I think we've actually met before." I think most guys would quit right then after noticing the smiles of acknowledgement we exchanged after that. And J DID notice because he mentioned it later. He also mentioned that he knew CK was quite the "playa." So I guess he gets points for tenacity. He did ask me if there was "history" between CK and me. I think I said something to the effect of "less history, more like a very boring, drawn out soap opera." I've realized something about the way I feel about CK. It's very love/hate. Sometimes I'm into love and adoration with him and sometimes I'm very deep into the hatred side of the scale. Most of the time, they just sort of cancel each other out into a blissful apathy, but sometimes (like this weekend), it can run the gamut in a few hours. Which makes me hate him. Anyway, so J was pretty persistent about asking me out. On paper, this guy is awesome. Former football player, degree in computer science, respects his mom, very laid back, same age as me. SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I put my finger on it pretty quickly: I didn't find myself laughing at him once. Someone once told me that I cannot hold out for that perfect guy because he is not out there. I have no problem believing that. But I really really don't think I can ever make things work with someone who does not make me laugh regularly and riotously. It sounds so cliche, but it's so true! And it's not just for guys. I hold the same standard with my friends. I cannot think of a single friend I have that does not crack me up every time I talk to them. Jessica, Emily, Melinda, Jordan, and yes, even Brad (he's gonna kick my ass for that. Hee!).* And when I meet new people, I swear if they don't make me laugh, I will never remember them. I mean, I know everyone's not like this because I've seen some really boring people hook up.

Speaking of which, last night, this couple comes into the bar. The guy is wicked hot, but is so loud that I quickly find him unattractive. His girlfriend, though.... well, how do I put this gently? My first thought was "Why even bother with a shirt?" She was wearing a black tank top so low cut (and wide-cut) that you could see where the fabric folded under her boobs. So low cut, that even the girls were staring. SO LOW CUT that we were sure that the slightest mis-step would result in an X-rated event. Well, so much for mystery. Except for the one where Brad and I wondered if she had nipples, and if so, where they could possibly be. That's how much of her breasts were showing. Honestly, I cannot even tell you what her face looked like. I know she had blonde hair (making the rest of us look bad). How desperate must you be for attention? Like.... wow. And I think they were uh... new because I've never seen anyone with natural boobs fondle themselves quite that much. She knew everyone was staring and she loved it. God, I'm so glad I have a personality. There were three other women around the bar and Jayme behind the bar. One was Jayme's sister in law that I had met maybe once before, and the other one was a woman that none of us had met before. And we were all exchanging those "wow" and "what the...?" looks the whole time. And then Booby McBoobs finally left with her loudass boyfriend and there was a hush over the bar while we all tried to process what the hell just happened. Then Jayme pulls her shirt out and looks down and says meekly, "I feel so small." Hehehe! We all did! All four of the remaining women were relatively modestly dressed. I was probably dressed the most risque, but there was not a lot of cleavage showing. I think for guys, it would be the equivalent of a man walking in and announcing he has an 8" penis and then just turning and leaving. I mean, technically, I suppose it could be a good thing, but does everyone really need to know? I mean, I've known girls to get new boobies (this is Dallas, after all) and they don't fondle themselves or let them all hang out (literally). They just feel more comfortable in a bathing suit and can find clothes that aren't so baggy on top, I guess. Eh, some things are not for me to understand.....

Like physics. And calculus. And men. Oh no. Don't you dare sit there all, "But we're so easy to please!" That is a load of bullshit if I ever heard it. "Just show up naked with a six-pack of beer." Shut. UUUUP! If someone actually did that, you'd call her a psycho. I find that many men (not all! Don't get on my case!) expect women to cater to them, but are reluctant to give the woman what she needs. I.E. "I want to play Playstation and I should be allowed to do so for hours on end, but I will not be required to pay attention to my wife/girlfriend/whatever and give her what she needs from me." That is bullshit and if you think you can be a lazy ass while your woman washes your dirty socks, don't get too comfortable, because it won't last long. And then there's the opposite of the spectrum. All they want to do is cater cater CATER! I mean, yes, at least he is making an effort. Kudos. But then we get into smothering territory. I don't know. Maybe I sound hard to please? I just want a happy medium between those two extremes of apathy and suffocation. Boys are dumb. STOP BEING DUMB! Thank you.

I hate gender issues. Can you tell? =)

OK, enough disconnected rambling. I just had to get that stuff out of my head. Yay therapy!!

*Internet friends are not included in this list because if you weren't funny to begin with, I wouldn't bother talking to you at all. The list is too long to really type out and I would inevitably forget someone and then I would get in trouble. So to save my own ass, just know that if you are reading this, I probably think you're funny. And not in a past-expiration-date-milk way, either. Although some of you.....

All hail summer programming!

2005-06-01T23:05:00.000-07:00

Well, the regular TV season is over. All the "good" shows have wrapped their seasons, so now we're down to summer fluff. Tonight's the first night I really got to sit and watch stuff. We watched Homeward Bound last night and it really confirmed all the reasons that I hate animal movies. My daughter had to calm me down and tell me that all of the animals really do end up OK. SHE'S FIVE! I hate animal movies. Anyway! I watched two summer fluff "reality" shows tonight. The first of which was...

Beauty and the Geek: Ashton Kutcher? Geez. The man who brought us Punk'd brings us this show. I was skeptical, I will admit. They bring these beautiful women together with so-called "geeky" guys so that they may learn something from each other. I was won over pretty quickly. The guys are incredibly smart and endearing (except for Richard) and the women.... uh.... well. Yes, they're very pretty. I think my favorite would be Erika. She seems to be the most self-aware, even though she is a life-size Barbie model (no, I am not making that up... that is her actual occupation). But the others... one of them actually said that a woman can get anything she wants using just her looks. I don't know if that speaks more to the women that are willing to use their looks to get what they want, or the men willing to give in to them. It's an interesting social commentary. I think I could write volumes on it, to tell the truth, but I'll spare you if you'll watch it tomorrow night. On the freakin WB. Yeah, I had to look up what channel it's on, too. I love the guys, though. I think the one who keeps getting nosebleeds is my favorite, followed closely by Brad, who I think is so smart that he doesn't exactly know what to do with all of his brain power. I was actually sad to see that they eliminated someone at the end of the show. I think for this show, I'd rather see some kind of point system put in place just so we could follow all of the contestants through the game. It's a lot of fun. Seriously, I was impressed. It's one of those shows that doesn't have to be heavily produced because the interactions between these people is enough. I dig it.

Dancing with the Stars: OK listen. I freakin love ballroom dancing. I would watch this show whether it had celebrities on it or not. It's going to be a guilty pleasure on the American Idol level. And I think it is a total girlie show, so girls, if you have men in your life, do not make them watch this show! They don't freakin care! Let them go play Playstation or throw darts or do something manly! Anyway. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wish they'd have more practice footage and less stupid interviews about how they "felt out there." I would also like for them to go a little more in-depth on the professional dancers. They all sound like cocky bastards, which honestly, was kind of awesome. Anyway, John O'Hurley (yes, J Peterman) was the freakin bomb! What a ham! I could've watched him all night! I mean, they did dance to Earth Wind and Fire, which was a huge plus, but they were also entirely enjoyable to watch. Two enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun for the whole family. And on the low end, Evander Holyfield dances like a log. His dance partner was freakin amazing and made him look really good, but he didn't really do anything. I kind of felt sad for him. And on the girls' side, Trista "The Bachelorette" Sutter did a great job, IMNHO, but then again, didn't she used to be some basketball team dancer? So, you know, she's got rhythm and knows how to move. Anyway. Loved it. But I'm a girl, so.... Hey! If you loved this show, you should check out Strictly Ballroom. I freakin love that movie! You won't recognize any of its stars, but you'll probably recognize the name Baz Luhrman, who also directed Moulin Rouge. The man is completely off his rocker, but knows how to make visually stunning movies.

In other news, wikipedia is the most evil/awesome website ever. I cannot stop! It is the coolest encyclopedia ever! But you must be warned... once you go to look something up, it is really hard to stop clicking through to links to other articles. I cannot remember what I went there to look up today, but I ended up reading about reality shows, which let me to reading a whole lot about The Amazing Race, which inexplicably led to me reading about conspiracy theories. I really have no idea how or why and that is the drug that is the wikipedia. And that drug? Is kind of awesome.

So with that, I bid you adieu. I must sleep for it is late.

2005-05-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

OK, seriously, as if you guys didn't already know... I have the cutest kid ever. Everrrrrr!!! We have this "game" we like to play. Usually, around bed time, we'll go back and forth with "I love you more than..." Most of the time, we stick to purple or cupcakes or glitter and other goofy girlie things. Well, tonight it went something like this:

Gabi: I love you more than purple
Me: I love you more than blue
Gabi: You like blue?
Me: Oh yeah. It's a good color, no?
Gabi: Yeah it is. I just didn't know you liked it so much. I love you more than Powerpuff Girls
Me: I love you more than the Princess Bride!
Gabi: (look of shock) =0 Really?
Me: Of course I do! I love you more than Pat Benatar
Gabi: (another look of shock) =0 REALLY? I love you more than Kelly Clarkson!
Me: =0 Wow! That's a lot! I love you more than The Amazing Race!
Gabi: I love you more than SURVIVOR! (that's a lot, people)
Me: Whoa. Are you sure?
Gabi: Yep. I love you more than my bathroom (which she really loves. Thanks, Lynne!)
Me: I love you more than bubble baths.
Gabi: Huh? You take bubble baths?
Me: Of course I do!
Gabi: When?
Me: Usually when you're at your dad's or at Nana's. You know, so I can take my time.
Gabi: You know you're just sitting in your own dirt, right?

Hysterical laughter ensues. She was so matter-of-fact about the whole thing in this, "Mom, I'm telling you this for your own good" tone. I have no idea where she gets it from.

2005-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

So we're watching The OC tonight. Well, we're halfway watching and halfway goofing off and such. And they showed last season's finale and then this season's premiere, which, if you ask me is freakin genius since they plan to re-run the entire second season this summer. I had forgotten how gut-wrenching last season's finale was. Dang! And can someone please get Kelly Rowan an Emmy? Seriously. So anyway, we're watching the beginning of the second episode, and that part where Marissa calls Ryan in the middle of the night and she can't bring herself to say anything and you know Ryan knows it's her and they're having this... moment. Gabi breaks the silence with, "Why's she on the phone if she's not gonna talk?" Hehehe That just gave me the giggles and I couldn't stop giggling to explain it to her, not that she'd get it anyway, but then again, she's surprised me before.

And I saw this on my way into the internet: Undercover Officer Shaq Is on Patrol

OK, um a few things here. First, here is a 7'1" very very large black man. Way to blend in. And then we have the fact that he's most likely the best and most famous basketball player in the NBA right about now. And then to make things even more secret, YAHOO REPORTS IT ON THEIR FRONT PAGE! Here's to subtlety, y'all.

OK, I want to answer reader mail because talking back to the screen just isn't as satisfying and then I'm going to go work on my myspace.com page because Jordan got onto me for having a boring page.

Rachel says:

As for TV. Yes it is ok to base ones life around TV...just so long as it is good. The OC finale was so great. The rest of the season kinda sucked. (better than most of what is on tv though). I think we need a new Buffy type show. Yes, that should do it, a cult favorite dramedy that is SMART!!

Woman! Have you not caught onto my lunatic rantings about Veronica Mars? That last sentence describes our pint-size heroine to a tee! They're re-running the entire season this summer starting in mid-June. Do not miss it! You will love it! And people will not stop comparing it to Buffy. I never really watched Buffy, so I can't say for sure, but I know it was good because my friend Emily loved it. And if she loved it, then it can't suck. Right? Anyway, check it out this summer! I really think you'll like it.

Alleged Quiet Man says:

Too much to comment on, other than to say....DAYUM! Book, you have written, mmmmmmmm....

I can't decide if that's ironic or just merely hilarious.

Ota says:

A Walk in the Clouds... aka "Strange things are afoot at the burning vinyard, dude... and also, I know kung-fu."

This made me laugh so hard, I think I sprained my diaphragm. You freakin slay me, man!

I liked the CSI:Regular Flavor finale. Even though they abandoned the whole "Ecklie is the anti-christ" theme halfway through the season, it was a good episode. Apparently, Tarantino is a CSI junkie, and he insisted on working in details like Gil's lip-reading, and the like. He apparently owns a Dukes of Hazzard game, and will brag about it in any medium possible.

I think they're trying to humanize Ecklie a little bit. You know, make him a little less one-dimensional and stuff. And if I had a Dukes of Hazzard game? I'd brag about it too! Hello! I read an interview with QT on tvguide.com and he said he considers Grissom one of the greatest detectives since Sherlock Holmes. Double G is pretty cool, y'all. I gotta admit.

Sevi says:

No TV after Wednesday? What a shame. I will certainly miss the one sentence about any show I actually care to watch. Just think, you'll have plenty of time to watch the White Sox-Rangers series this weekend! Oh, by the way, the best show on TV is nowhere near the end of its season.

Victory is mine...for now. Just my luck, the idjits at NBC will run West Wing at 9pm Sunday against Family Guy, thereby forcing me to tape at least 1 of the only 2 shows on TV consistently worth watching.

Sincerely,
Matt Santos / Peter Griffin '05Campaign HQ

Well, sorry to break it to you, but I think this is NBC's way of letting you down easy for a quiet cancellation after next season. So I'd say enjoy it while you can because it's going to get slaughtered in the ratings, not only by the Simpson's and Cold Case, but also by ABC's Sunday night powerhouse lineup. NBC just gave your favorite show a death sentence. Sorry, love. But on an up-note, looks like WW will be on 8pm (Eastern) and Family Guy will be on at 9pm. Your VCR won't have to lift a single magnetic head. Look! A whole paragraph! =)

Jing says:

whoa after a long blog hiatus i've returned and all i can say is "why didn't we watch the finale together di???" i was freaking out, thank goodness i had my de-fib nearby. yeah, it was that intense. i don't get why chloe was there when jack "died". maybe i still hate chloe. not as much as i hate edgar though. what are they going to do next season? there's no jack. tony and michelle are gone. it better not be the chloe and edgar show featuring curtis.

There is not a chance in hell of that happening!!! As far as I can tell, the only recurring characters that are for sure coming back are Jack and Chloe. There will never be a 24 without Keifer/Jack. The fans would never return for a Jack-less story line. Here's an interview with Robert Cochran, the cocreator. It wraps up some stuff about Season 4 and teases Season 5. Don't worry! It doesn't give anything away that I haven't already! =) Read it, dammit! And.... I don't know why we didn't watch it together. It's a damn shame, I tell you. And I think Chloe was there for Jack's "death" to act sad and to run interference with the coroner's office. That... and we've just GOT to have Chloe know that Jack's alive for next season! Oh, and mad props to Shane aka Special Agent OC Idol or whatever the hell his name is for coining Jack's name next season: BOB (Black Ops Bauer).

i officially have nothing to look forward to as of now. lost has concluded and my tv watching life is over for a few months. oh woe is me!

Lost is in trouble for NOT CLEARING UP A DAMN THING! All we really know is that "The Others" have a boat and want Walt for his freakish mind or whatever. Favorite line: When Locke asked Jack if he'd ever played Operation. But if someone could explain the part that most perplexed me, I'd be most grateful. You know when they were about to blow the hatch and Jack and Kate were talking (just make out already!), and he said to her, "If we survive this thing... if we survive today, we're gonna have a Locke problem." Say whaaaaaaat???

aren't you glad i'm back di? :) of course you aren't because we didn't get to know each other too well before i fell into that really deep hole but i clawed my way back :).

Just because I got a big grin on my face and squealed "JING!" when I saw your comment does not mean that I missed you in the least. ;) Oh, and I do try to read your blog, btw, but I don't see anywhere to leave comments? Are we supposed to keep our smartass comments to ourselves or what? I'm guessing that your absence was attributed to finals and I'd like to say to you and Moonie and our other collegiate friends congratulations on another completed year. May your brain be allowed to turn to complete mush during the next three months.

OK, so that's all I've really got at the moment. Woohoo for three day weekends! And on a final note, I am a total cheeseball....

2005-05-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Congrats Carrie!

2005-05-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

And also? Bo's hotness is directly proportional to amount of conditioner used and inversely proportional to the amount of facial hair.

24!

2005-05-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

OK, listen. I just got my face royally rocked, so I'm going to have to write about this season finale before the buzz wears off. If you haven't seen the finale, don't whine to me that I ruined it! K? It has aired in most time zones in its entirety and besides, what are you doing reading blogs if you haven't seen it yet? Anyway!

Where to start....First of all, I was expecting more fighter jets. We had lots of helicopters and gun battles, but only a few shots of fighter jets. Yes, they were really cool shots, but they were at night and seriously, not as cool as Season Three's jet fighter appearances. My only other gripe is that we never really knew why Marwan was so intent on destroying everything and, the paramount 24 question, who he was working for. Yes, we got some vague terrorist bullshit about "our land" and blah blah blah. But was he working for someone higher up? We never really saw him answering to anyone else, but one guy? Behind the whole thing? Seriously? Eh, OK. Maybe it will tie into Season Five! Ooooooooh!

Anyway. How much did I love this?!?! There are no words, my friend. But I'm going to make some anyway. First of all, I was really scared that Tony was going to bite it. He and Michelle really called down the jinx of all jinxes when they said they were getting back together. But man, when Curtis came up behind Naked Mandy and took her sorry terror-ass down. Sha-POW! Oh, and on that note, how awesome is it that Curtis totally survived? Huh? Handsome Black Agent made it! I hope he's back next season. He is FIIIINE! Ahem. And a really good character.

OK, so was it the best season ever? Season Two was previously my favorite, but this one may have surpassed it. First of all, it was Kim and cougar-free. Second, Jack's personal relationship with Audrey, I felt, was kept to a minimum. In fact, most personal relationships were pretty bare minimum with the exception of Tony and Michelle, whose relationship played directly into the plot. I also liked that they found a way to bring back some favorites like President Palmer. Gah, that Logan guy and his "security chief"... I wanted to pop 'em both. And you guys do realize that Naked Mandy is the same girl that blew up the plane in the Season One Premiere, right?

I was a little confused when they blew up the missile at about the 6:20 mark. I was like, what are we going to do for forty minutes? Last season we got about a 30 second wrap up with Jack breaking down in his car right at the end. This time, I was very confused, but very pleased to see one more plot play out. I mean, we couldn't just leave that whole Chinese thing flappin out in the breeze, could we? I think it was done very well and really did have me turned and twisted and shocked and uttering expletives. Sorry, but no other show can do that for me. 24 is the bestest ever!!! I'm so glad it's back for two more seasons. I don't know how they'll top themselves, but I know they somehow will. Now, I read an interview with one of the creators before Season 4 started, and he made it seem like the first three seasons were like a trilogy, as would 4, 5, and 6, if they got renewed for that much. Last week, they got renewed for two more seasons, so it looks like that's a go.

I know I have more thoughts on this, but I think I need to let it all sink in first. I really am blown away by the whole thing and still letting everything sink in. Good thing I have the finale on tape so I can re-watch it!

Just think... after Wednesday, I'll barely have any TV to talk about at all. Sigh!

Speaking of which...

2005-05-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

OK, I have a couple of stories from the weekend and then I want to talk about tee vee because, you guys? I love TV. I know it's hard to fathom. But it's true! I swear.

First things first. Friday night. Guess where I was! You'll never guess...... What's that you say? The bar? Oh. Looks like you'll guess after all. Erm. Anyway! So it's Game 6. Pa-hoe-nix is up 3 games to 2 against my Mavericks. It is a GREAT game, lots of back and forth, lots of great plays, great shots. So we get into the fourth quarter and we are down to the last minute. It's getting really tense and everyone in the bar (which was really full, btw) is watching as am I, although I was watching through my interlaced fingers for most of it. There is crowd reaction to just about every development in the game. And here comes Steve Nash, barrelling down the court and freakin sinks a smooth 3-pointer to tie the game and there's only about 5 seconds left. Ball is in play..... down to the wire..... into Mavericks territory.......3 seconds left...... and then......

Darkness.

There is a millisecond of silence while we all figure out what's going on and then about 250 people.....

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never seen the power go out at a more inopportune time. There were a lot of cuss words uttered into the pitch black darkness. But luckily, the power was only out for about 30 seconds and when it came back on, the clock was at 2.7 seconds and we were still tied. WHEW! And about a minute after that massive human noise was the most complete silence I have ever heard in that bar. Mavs finally got the ball into their end of the court and someone puts up a three pointer. Everything stops. Silence...... And then..... AW DAMMIT OVERTIME! And then, of course, we went on to lose the durn thing. Poo. We, as Mavericks fans knew it would happen, we just didn't know when. But now we're rooting for the Suns because we still love Steve Nash and he does not play for a team in California or the Spurs. Woo! Go Suns!

Oh, there was that other time when the power went out at a most inopportune time. Back in the day, I had some friends who worked at the movie theater (give a shout out and a what what to the homies that hooked a sistah up with some movies!), and we went to see that Walk to Remember in the Clouds with the Sun or whatever that movie was with Keanu Reeves and it was like.... four hours long and was about the girl (natch) and the winery and the gruff dad and the floppy wings that help prevent forest fires or something like that. So anyway, right when the girl decides that she doesn't care what her father thinks and she's going to TELL HIM that she loves Ted and there is nothing he can say about it! She literally turns to walk across the courtyard and her mouth parts to say the words and BAM! Power goes out on the entire block. And stays off. Part of me really wanted to see how that conversation went, and another part of me was like, dang I needed to pee anyway. So everyone that paid to see the movie got vouchers to come back the next night, but of course, we could just go because I had the mad fresh hookup. So we go back the next night and I'm thinking.... we saw most of the movie and we're going to have to sit through an hour and a half just to see the last 30 minutes. But oh no. Apparently, I was sadly mistaken and that scene was only about halfway through the movie. And now that I've looked it up on imdb.com, I see that it's only 102 minutes long, which surprises me because it felt more like FIVE HOURS. Seriously, I couldn't believe how much went on after that pivotal moment. Anyway. I guess that goes to show how quickly the story developed and how incredibly interested I was in it. Why am I talking about a stupid movie that I don't even like?

Anyway. So last night, I went to a surprise party for my friend Robby who is married to my friend Melinda. It was a really great "grown-up" party with their parents and siblings and children and freakin food and wine and it was good fun. Afterwards, Jordan, Em, and I went out for some adult time because, yes I love kids, but sometimes other people's children make me kind of want to stab myself in the eye. So we went out to the bar and man, you guys are not going to believe this: I got hit on like four times. I guess it makes a difference when you're hanging out with two attractive women as opposed to about 6 men. I'm not saying those four guys were exactly the most savory, but it still seemed odd. Baugy came over and talked to us for a minute and I was all, "Am I especially hot tonight? Because man, the guys are hittin on me." And he said yes. Now there is a man who knows when to lie. Good man, that Baugy. I mean, the guys were checking out Em and Jordan all over the place, but I think because I was sitting on the end, and there was a space to order drinks right next to me, there was just more traffic. One of them did not have sleeves. That, my friends, is not right. Oh, and did I mention that I barely had a voice? Hm, maybe that also had something to do with it. Brad thinks that the lack of sheer volume attracts the men. That was mean, but he was forgiven when he magically appeared when no-sleeves came back to mack on Jordan. And it worked! So yay Brad for being observant! Oh, and my voice isn't quite back yet and it is torture. But on the good side, Jordan did tell me how to say "I gotta take a tinkle" in sign language. That could definitely come in handy someday. Seriously! Shouldn't you know how to say that in as many languages as possible? I think so. Erm. I have no idea where this story was going....

TV! Yay!

For the sake of space and time, I'll only go over shows that have already ended or seriously, we'll be here all night.

Survivor: Man, what a great season! It was twisty and turny with only a flash of gender issues in the form of a failed female alliance. Mark Burnett kept saying that it was the best season of Survivor yet, and I happily concur. It really was good all the way through and I think got back to what Survivor is all about. Except for the suffering. There wasn't all that much suffering like there was in Borneo, Australia, and Africa. I'm not saying I want to sit and watch people suffer on TV, but it just seems like they have it so easy compared to the first three seasons. I mean, the cast in those three seasons were just emaciated by the end and this season, everyone looked about the same as in the beginning. Except for Ian. Whew. Eat something! Anyway. When Ian jumped off that pole, I couldn't believe my eyes. He just gave it up like that. And I knew Tom would take Katie to the final two because that was his surefire way to win. I guess Ian was just honoring his alliance with Tom. I think they knew from the beginning that Katie would be their patsy because they decided long ago that one of them would take Katie and they would not take each other. See what I'm saying here? Great ending to a great season. Next season? Guatemala. Woot!

Veronica Mars: Hot damn with a shot of WTF! There was a lot of "Whoa! Didn't see that one coming" throughout that entire hour. I guess we should've put the pieces of that puzzle together earlier. We knew Lilly was kind of a slut and we knew Aaron Echolls was kind of a psycho, but we did not fathom that they were sleeping together seeing as she was quasi-dating-but-not-really-any-more his SON! Ew, creep factor. And I also found it interesting that Jake and Celeste really did believe that Duncan killed her and all of this cover up was to protect him. Dang. But what I felt was unresolved was why Lianne left and why Wiedman gave a rat's ass about her whereabouts in the first place. But that fight scene between Keith and Aaron was awesome and scary and suspenseful. Now we are left to wonder if Logan is dead or incredibly impaired by Weevil and who is at Veronica's door. Thank goodness UPN renewed it. But it will be on Wednesdays next season. Up against LOST of all things! Wow! Genius move there! But at least my Tuesdays will be slightly less muddled. Whew!

Amazing Race: I wanted Rob and Amber to win. I really did. But get this... I'm so glad they didn't. There would be such an uproar about cheating and what terrible people they are and boycotting TAR. Whatever, dudes. It's a race. It's a game. They never cheated. Now, about that plane coming back up and opening the doors for Uchenna and Joyce? Not sure about that. But, I'm glad they won. They are good people and they earned it. Thank goodness for a great season after Season Six's debacle. We needed the good guys to win again! I loved it. Next season: teams of four. I'm not sure how they'll pull that off, but it will certainly be interesting. Oh, and it will be in the same time slot as this season. Now I can record the Office! Woot!

CSI: OK, I just watched this one today and can I just say that Quentin Tarantino is fucked in the brain? I mean, I almost didn't watch it because of the claustrophobia quotient. That is one of the most terrifying situations I can think of. Disturbing. And then the ANTS!!! But other than being totally creeped out (which, I'm sure was the whole point anyway), it was really a great show and I'm glad that QT can get on board with a TV show like this and not be a movie elitist. One thing I can say about QT is that he does stuff that he likes regardless of what the buzz will be or what will be said afterwards. He's a cool guy. He's a very whacked out cool guy, at that. Oh, and did you catch him in the Muppets Wizard of Oz? That was awesome. Don't look at me like that! I love Muppets! And so do you! Just remember.... a Muppet Yoda was.

Desperate Housewives: Well, a lot happened but somehow I still feel unsatisfied. As soon as it was over, I turned to Sally and said.... "So why did she kill herself?" I mean, I realize it was to protect her "secrets" but the timing was strange to me. Sally suggested that it was because Mike moved in across the street. But no, they didn't know Mike was connected to Deirdre. OK, so Mrs. Huber was blackmailing her, but we knew that months ago. I'm glad we figured out what really happened, though and it seemed poignant when Mike was shocked to find out that Deirdre had a baby. I hope it's not his because... I don't know. I just think that would be dumb for Zach to be Mike's son what with the mental disturbances and all. It just seemed sort of anticlimactic, I guess. But hey, it was still good. Next season, Carlos will be in jail, Lynette will be at work, and Bree will be a widow. Man, how heartbreaking was that scene when Bree broke down? Awful. Kudos to Marcia Cross. She is the star of this show to me. Also, nice quiet cliffhanger at the end. Creeeeeeepy!

OK, up this week: 24 on Monday, Idol on Tuesday, Idol and Lost on Wednesday (bastards) and I think that's it. Everything else has wrapped up, I think. Here we go, headlong into a summer of reruns. Sigh. At least they're re-running the entire season of Veronica Mars. So here is your chance to get in on the VM-goodness!

Speaking of summer.... THE OC! How could I have forgotten? For a less than stellar season (nothing compared to the first, IMNHO), that was a pretty damn good finale. Made me cry. Over the stupid OC! Like, three times! First with Kirsten's intervention when she was all angry-like and then she turned around and saw Seth there and she just lost it. Man, that was somethin else. And then when Marissa finally broke down to Summer about stupidass Trey. That was not only a heartbreaking scene, but afterwards, I realized something: Mischa Barton actually acted! I actually believed it! And at the end when she had to shoot Trey to save Ryan. Holy mackerel. I wonder if she's going to jail or if it can be construed self-defense when he wasn't actually attacking her. Guess we'll find out.... NEXT SEASON! Same time slot, up against Survivor and Alias. Whew.

Speaking of Summer... again... It was 99 degrees today. And yesterday. I guess uh... Summer's here. WITH A VENGEANCE! I shouldn't really be surprised. I mean, we had our three weeks of Spring (with surprisingly little violent storm action). OK, back to TV.

I guess Thursday night is back for everyone except NBC, who doesn't seem to get that their ratings sucked on Thursdays this season FOR A REASON! Joey is mediocre, Will and Grace jumped the shark about 4 years ago, the Apprentice is getting tired, and ER is like freakin Methuselah in TV years. Let it DIE! Speaking of which... The West Wing got moved to Sunday nights so Sevi can watch it a little more regularly. But he will now get another dose of the Presidency with that new Geena Davis show Commander-in-Chief. You like Geena Davis, right? She was in Beetlejuice for cryin out loud! You have to like her! What else about next season... Oh! They moved Arrested Development to Monday night so that I can actually watch it now! And it better be as funny as everyone says it is or I'm gonna start writing some letters. And also? Don't be worried that you don't see Scrubs on the Fall Schedule. They'll be back mid-season for some godforsaken reason. They're probably anticipating something getting cancelled and using it to regain viewership. Which... I'm not sure where they'll put it because Tuesday looks good with that new Jason Lee thing about Earl-something (I love Jason Lee!) and The Office and you guys just KNOW they won't ever cancel Will and Grace until someone in the cast actually dies of old age. I think I'll actually go buy the Scrubs DVD to keep me sane until it comes back.

OK, my scroll bar is getting really really tiny, so I guess I'll wrap it up now. I have to go watch Grey's Anatomy anyway, which is also back next season, FYI. OK! Hope to hear from you all! Yes, even you! =)

YOU'RE ALL PSYCHO!

2005-05-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

By popular demand....

http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

Make sure to come back and tell us all how whacked out you are!!! =)

It's me again! Lucky you!

2005-05-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hey you guys! Remember me? I've been a lost soul for the past couple of weeks or so. Or lazy. Whatev. Anyway, I really don't have anything to say which can sometimes beget the deepest and most profound posts. Ah, who am I kidding? I never say anything profound.

Well, I found out that I'm not crazy. No really, it's true. I took a test on the internet and everyone knows that if the internet speaketh, then it must be true. At the end of the test, it lists all of these personality disorders and I came in UNDER THE AVERAGE on all the categories! Except for one... narcissism. That's right. I came in one point over the average (on a 100 point scale) in narcissism. And I read the description of a narcissist and I guess I can see how this could happen. I mean, I'm a pretty empathetic person, but I refuse to feel sorry for everyone. I guess I'm too busy busting my ass for my daughter and myself to really feel sorry for people who don't make a better life for themselves. Eh, that's just me. I'm not talking about people who fall on hard times. I'm talking about people who are LAZY and then expect me to pick up their slack. As the address to this site may imply, I might have some issues.

I'm also having issues with the left side of my ear/nose/throat region. And it BETTER be gone by the weekend! There is shopping to be done, dammit! I also have a party to go to and if I miss it I am dead meat and I know it. And this party I speak of... it's for a man. Should I bother to bring a card? I mean, I don't really think he'll get all pouty if he doesn't get a card from me. Hell, I don't think he notices when he DOES get a card, much less when he doesn't. Anyway. He's a huge Star Wars nerd, so maybe I'll get him a figurine or something. Thirty year old men love that stuff. Right?

On a completely different note, I had a lovely grocery store experience the other night. As I was shopping, I started to notice that my regular store was rearranged here and there. And then I found it. And entire aisle of WINE! I had a quick flashback of signing a petition and then voting in a special election and now it's HERE! Can you believe that? They weren't allowed to sell alcohol until the citizens had an uprising. I mean, all I had to do before was go across the street to purchase wine because that's another city. But I would have to make a special trip. Now when I'm getting groceries, I can just pick up some wine! I have found that a glass before bed really helps me sleep better. I am so serious. I have not felt this not-tired in weeks. And I'm not going to sleep any earlier, really (AARON!!!). I guess I just fall asleep faster and sleep deeper. Ah, I love you, Merlot. You give me weird dreams, but better sleep.

Speaking of which, I'm about done with tonight's glass. Don't worry, Sevi. I'll have a great season finale wrap up of all of our favorite shows soon. I'm sure you're just downright antsy with anticipation! =) OK, I'm not going to start talking about TV right now because I'll be here all night. But for now, hugs, kisses, gropes, whatever strikes your fancy. Love!

Face? Rocked!

2005-05-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

Bowling for Soup is most likely my very favorite band in the entire world. Not only did we originate from the same home town (which we all thankfully got the fuck out of), we also spent a good amount of our formative early and mid 20's in the same town (that would be Denton, TX). Now most people probably know them from their radio singles such as Girl All the Bad Guys Want and 1985. Those are their radio-friendly happy pop hits. They also do such gems as Ohio and Belgium. Very geographically minded lads, they are. And in the non-geography category, The Bitch Song and Suckerpunch. Listen. Any band can have catchy songs and put them on a CD and sell them blah blah blah. But BFS does the best freakin live shows ever. I DEFY YOU to leave their concert in a bad mood. It will not happen. They are fun times 7 billion and 4. Jaret is the man and I might have a weird crush on him even though he is very happily married and could possibly live like, four blocks from me.

As the perceptive among you may have guessed, I just got back from their concert at the historic Granada Theater on Greenville Avenue. I hate Greenville. HATE! There is seriously never anywhere to park even if you're willing to pay $80 plus tip. Before tonight, I had not been to Greenville probably since I was freshly 21. I don't remember drinking there, so I might've been 20. Anyway. Long time. For good reason. But for my boys? I'll sacrifice.

So we head out there. This is for those of you in Dallas: We get on LBJ and mix it up with the High Five and all and we're merging with LBJ westbound and we get down to Central and it's like... where's the rest of it? All of the traffic on Central was from LBJ. Yeah, no through traffic. ??? I kept looking for the rest of southbound Central traffic and it was like... not there. I was so weirded out. This is like the busiest interchange in all of the Dallas area and.... nothing. And in the dumbest move ever, we all had to merge into one lane before merging onto a very empty expressway. Yeah... confused.

Uh... anyway. We get down to Greenville and there is the most retarded traffic ever. Nowhere to park and we just end up driving around the residential areas thinking about how much we do not want to get accosted at 2 am. We go back to the main drag and I'm like, "Let's just find some overpriced lot or valet or something. I'll pay for it, I don't care, it's worth it not to get shot." We start to pull into what looks like a valet station near the Granada and the guy is all, this is for [insert stupid bar name here], and gave us directions to the Granada parking lot. We get there and it's closed. But wait! Someone's leaving! There is ONE PARKING SPOT! The parking attendant gives us the best come-hither look in the freakin world and we pull in and pay our eight bucks and park like... right behind the place. Unheard of for Greenville at 9:45 on a Friday night. At this point... the blood pressure is less for stress and more for ecstatic. We park, we walk around the front where two people try to sell us tickets. Jessica is all... no, we have tickets. Which was a lie because Annique is the coolest girl like... EVER and put us on the VIP list!!

!!!!!!!!!!!

We get to the ticket counter, the girl checks for Jessica's name and whips out these freakin badass VIP bracelets and tells us the rules blah blah blah no smoking, re-entry is fine, yadda yadda. We go in and it's literally an old huge two-level theater and American Hi-Fi is playing and we go all the way to the top level. Freakin sweet view and a bar with no line. We get up to the bar so I can get a beer (Jessica was driving) and this cute boy is also ordering a beer. He drops a couple dollars and Jessica picks it up and hands it to him. He says, "Thanks! Hey... don't I know you?" They have that weird moment where you try to figure out how you know someone and then it just clicked for both of them. He turns around and points and there's a whole group of people we know standing one section over. Suh-WEET! So we go over and yap for a while and then Annique wanders up there and it's a whole big party and we rock out. Then Annique explains just why these VIP bracelets are so damn fresh. We get to hang out in the VIP area. Behind a rope! !!!!! With guys from the Riddlin Kids and parents and wives of BFS. Dude. DUDE! We were standing right behind Jaret's dad. Seriously. It wasn't crowded or hot and we had a badass view because it was on the first balcony. We had a great view of the crowd and, the most important part, the band. WOO!

I just cannot tell you how much fun I had. Freakin A. I had to reminisce about the first time I saw them. It had to be in like, 1996 or something. At Rick's in Denton. I practically had to be dragged since I'd never heard of them and I just assumed that if I hadn't heard of them, then they must be speed metal and I would immediately hate them. I get inside and we get up to the balcony and Jaret... with his blond soccer-boy hair... is singing Living on a Prayer and I was immediately in love. Thus began my so-far 9 year crush. Any man who can make Living on a Prayer sound good WHO IS NOT JON BON JOVI HIMSELF is a freaking god in my book. Seriously, y'all. Of course, now he is tattooed and has tri-color hair that is completely beyond any sort of description. Still hot if you ask me and I know you didn't. Don't care.

I always have the best time at their shows. I will be on a high for at least a week. And let me tell you, I needed this very badly. Especially after my Dad told me I needed to put new tires on my car. $350!!! I'm like.. uh, can you give me a little more warning instead of waiting until I'm driving a large metal death trap around town? He's all, "Haven't you been budgeting for this inevitability?" I'm all... "Uh....NO!!!" Sigh. I mean, tires and other things. I've also been beat down by other things that, for once, I will not go into. Just know that Bowling for Soup healed my cold dark soul and turned it into a lovely flowering plant with cute little blooms on the tips.

Oh, and for their last song, they did 1985 and had American Hi-Fi and the Riddlin Kids come up there and do it with them. That's right. Three bands. One song. And it was awesome. Sound chaotic? It was a lot better than you think it might've been. Very cool. So dope.

Anyway, mad props to Annique for the VIP hookup. I hope she knows how much this meant to me, and probably Jessica too. We BOTH needed this so badly.

Wickety whack! Thank you, Night Ranger!

Tips for the day...

2005-05-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

Do not leave five year olds unattended with baby powder.

When making a grilled cheese sandwich, sprinkle a little chili powder or garlic bread sprinkle in the butter. Yum!

You should not ask someone to "hold on a sec" when they have just walked through the door and you are ON THE PHONE! For heavens sakes.

And while I'm at it, a helpful guide for giving directions:

First, give the address. It is mean to assume that your charge is too stupid to find it if your directions are bunk, which... if you're not me, they probably are. Also? Mapquest lies. It's good for basic location, but do your homework. That thing does not get updated daily, mk?

Now, give all major highways using North South East and West. If you don't "do" directionals, get a compass because you don't "hang a right" on I-35. You go North or South! The signs on major highways always utilize NSEW. And if your charge is unfamiliar with the area, make sure to clue them in on whacky tics in the route i.e. "Stay in the middle lane because the left lane ends and the right lane turns into exit only."

Exit strategy: First give the name of the exit they should take. You do this first because it gets it ingrained in their heads without any distractions. Second, give them the exit that is directly before the one they should take. This is a bad time to bring up landmarks i.e. "Look for the Hooters on your right." This is distracting to your charge and they should be watching for road signs and not headlights, ya feel me?

Advise your charge on what to do next. Left at the light? Straight at the light and take your first right? Keep it simple. The more details you give, the more opportunity your charge has to get confused in an unfamiliar area. "Did they say go past the gas station or turn right before it? Was I supposed to look for a Sonic?" Only utilize landmarks if completely necessary i.e. "Look for the two pines in the middle of the road hence the name Two Pines Lane" (an actual street in my county with two actual trees in the middle of the actual road). Keep the details minimal. Most people assume that the more details the better, but they are wrong because I am a genius.

When you get down to the residential street level, utilize the "previously" strategy from the above exit paragraph. Advise your charge which street they will turn on FIRST and then advise which street is directly before it. That way they're not rolling along at 10 miles an hour anticipating a turn. This way, they can coast along at the posted speed and know when to slow down when they see the "previous" street. It can also be good to advise how many lights and/or stop signs they will need to go through. But if you don't know, don't guess. Just say "a couple" or "a few." Also, do not fashion a guess on how far it is unless you know for damn sure. Because I have been told "half a mile" when it was more like four miles. Just say you don't know!

Now that you've gotten them to your street, NOW you can utilize landmarks. Look for the lamppost or the cow mailbox or the Beretta in the driveway. Also telling them where to park is nice.

Also, when taking down directions, write the address at the top. You will see it more often and it will stick with you. Put each direction on a seperate line. Nothing is worse than directions in paragraph form. Ick! I also like to circle "L" and "R" at the beginning of the line so that they're easy to distinguish from the road names.

Man, I meant for that to be like, five lines and I just went off, eh? Well, I just had to spread my knowledge of direction-giving because I fear there is a shortage of good direction-givers in the world. I'm good at it and I know I'm good at it because there are a lot of people who consistently call me for directions. Sometimes, you just have to go with what you're good at. Which is why I am not an accountant.

Good day! And may all of your journeys be incident-free!

PS Upon review, I sound really conceited! =)

2005-05-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

I should just rename this blog "what Di thinks about TV" because that's all I can seem to talk about lately. My personal life is just so boring right now. Well, that's kind of a lie but I don't feel like talking about that particular debacle right now, but maybe later, hm? TV makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Unless it's tonight's Veronica Mars which was awesome, yet oogy! I mean, yes we got a lot of answers but one of those answers was the oogiest oog that ever ooged. Wait. But if you add in Logan's little webcam fetish, that's two oogy discoveries. What a bad bad boy! I mean, he seemed really genuine what with the showing up at her door and owning up to what happened at Shelley's party. I mean, did he really not expect her to find the cameras. WTF? Anyway, I think it's pretty crappy that everyone seemed to know that Veronica and Duncan were half-siblings except for Veronica, and apparently Keith. I mean, we just got pummeled with revelation after revelation. Can you imagine what NEXT WEEK is going to be like? I'll need to drink a lot of fluids, I think. The awesomeness could be draining. My brain is still swimming.

Amazing Race: I'm glad Rob and Ambuh are in first. Don't act like they don't deserve it or they cheated, because they didn't. Just because they have a knack for finding local tour guides and playing devilishly smart doesn't mean they don't deserve it. I really don't care if they already won a million dollars on Survivor. Too bad we didn't get income stats on all of the other teams, hm? If they hadn't already been on Survivor, you would love them and you would be rooting for them all the way. That being said, I love Uchenna and Joyce. I think I already said that in the last post, but it's SO TRUE! Oh, and does anyone know what that song is that every TV show has to play every time they show London? Maybe it's the song they play for the Queen or something? I don't know, but I thought TAR editors were more clever than that. Maybe they're so clever that I don't see their cleverness. Eh. Anyway. Next week is the finale (on the same night AND TIME as Veronica Mars... oh the anguish!) and it looks like they are all getting hella bunched anyway so their arrival times tonight are probably moot. Remember, one more non-elimination leg (boooo!) and then Rob and Ambuh can win. Hee! Fun fact for the evening: Did you know that Istanbul is the only major city that spans two continents? Well, I knew, but did you?

American Idol: Oh man. Where to begin. I took so many notes tonight because I am a giant nerd. In a month from now after this is all over, I'm going to go back and read those notes and think "Gah, what a dork!" So now you can get a jump on "In-A-Month" Me! I'm so helpful!

Anyway, this is the part where the contestants get two songs each because there's an hour to fill and it can't be all product placement or the kids will start to catch on that they're just whores for Coca-Cola and Ford. So the two categories they could choose from were 1) some song-writing duo that wrote Stand By Me and a bunch of Elvis songs 2) this week's top 40 from any chart. OK, last week was the last five years, this week is well.... this week. Maybe next week, they can do songs from 2 years from now. Awesome! I bet Ford has that time machine ready to go!

A-Fed: First song was Poison Ivy, which I'll admit is not a song I recognized. Now this is important for later: I did not recognize the song and I did not pay attention to him as he sang it. He's nice looking enough, but I'm just bored with him. His second song was "Incomplete" which is a song that I sort of recognized, but I didn't know where from. He was doing a well enough job with it, so I actually sat still and watched (which is rare, which is why I watch TV instead of movies, FYI). As I tried to place the song in my head, I noticed that our little A-Fed is like a Nick Carter 2.0 but with not as much talent. Not even Aaron Carter. Nick 2.0. Seriously. Look!

2005-05-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

Did you think I was lying?

2005-05-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

So anyway. It wasn't until after the song was over that we were told that it was a Backstreet Boys song. Yeesh. Backstreet's back, alright? And there's not a damn thing any of us can do about it. I used to be a 13 year old girl at one time and I would like to take this time to seriously apologize for any hysteria over New Kids on the Block that I may have caused.

Scott: First song was Boardwalk and second song was Every Time something or other. Well, I will tell you that I'm not a Scott fan. He is a good singer, but I don't think he should win. Can you imagine an entire CD from this guy? I'm falling asleep just thinking about it. And media-savvy he is not. I know this is a singing contest but.... do I need to bring up Ruben/Clay again? Ruben: not media-savvy. Clay: media-savvy. And Clay has enjoyed much more success than Ruben. Ruben? Life on a Stick. Clay? Scrubs. 'Nuff said about that. Anyway! That Every Time song was wicked hard and it seemed for a moment that Scott actually came alive. And all because Simon told him to pack his bags. Here's hoping for a Guarini-type backlash. Come on, Scott! Keep it up with your backtalk!

Vonzell: Oh Baby V. My darling. Tonight was not your best night. And choosing the #1 song on the charts that happens to be BY THE AMERICAN IDOL TOP TEN was slightly a cop-out, even if you nailed it. But you looked gorgeous and you're still amazing and I hope you get to stick around another week, although I'll admit that I'm a little scared. After all, you look nothing like any of the Backstreet Boys and you haven't thrown any communication devices at anyone lately, so.....

Bo: Stand By Me. He did his Bo thing and .... is that a cross tattooed on his chest? What the... Are you too lazy to wear a crucifix every day? I'm baffled. And I'm glad he can grow a full beard, but that doesn't mean he has to. I don't want him to win because I'm pretty sure he can be a success without this show and I hope Paula gets a smack on the wrist every time she says that on national television. I'm allowed to say it because the show's credibility isn't keeping my bank account very much in the black. Anyhoo.... Second song was that Los Lonely Boys song about Heaven and what the hell was he wearing? Did he raid the "gypsies" portion of Cher's closet or what? Guess they were all out of tramps and theives. I will contend that that is not an easy song to sing, so bravo, Bogart.

Carrie: OK, listen. I will admit that I was starting to get a little bored with our Down Home Sweetheart. She is always flawless (except for that Love is a Battlefield debacle that I refuse to forgive her for... Nikki McKibben is still paying three years later for Heartbreaker), but tonight she blew me away. Seriously. First with Trouble, apparently by Elvis. I did not recognize this song, but I was GLUED! Remember what I said about A-Fed and how it was important? This is the huge gap between Carrie and like, everyone else. She can keep my attention even if I don't know the song and I think that's really important because when she starts putting out records, you know... I'm not going to know those songs either. Anyway, she totally rocked my face with her "I'm evil" chorus because she's so.... not! I was very impressed and after the first song was when I decided that this was the first week in about a month that I would vote for Vonzell and someone else. It was that good. Motivating! And for her second song, she did a song that I am sure will become one of my favorites of all time. Bless the Broken Road by Rascall Flatts. Knowing the original version, I thought Carrie kinda blew it and missed a lot of notes (for her, anyway), but she still did a great job! What is it with this girl? And whatever judge said that it was a simple song was dead wrong. That is a hard song to sing! I love Vonzell to pieces, and I will totally cry when she gets second place, but I think Carrie's going to take the whole thing. She's just so.... awesome.

And one last thing about American Idol... how much does the band freakin rock this year? Seriously, I am so impressed with them! VERY cool and I hope they are getting paid bookoo bucks for being so awesome.

Commercials: Yes, like a true TV fiend, I wrote down some notes on the stupid commercials. So sue me! During the first break, I think, there was this commercial showing a girl getting dumped, and then buying a new shirt. Then she loses her job or something, and she buys a new dress. And so on... something bad happens and then a shopping trip. I was like.... who got ahold of my life and why is there a commercial about it? But it was about cotton. The tag line was "The healing power of cotton." Healing power of shopping, guys. SHOPPING! It really does miracles, I swear.

And then there was that Sonic commercial. Now, I dig these Sonic spots with the smartasses eating and making jokes or whatever. Bravo on a successful ad campaign. But that's not what caught my attention. Blackened sauce? Does that sound kinda.... gross to anyone else? I mean... it's black. I can sort of understand actually blackening the chicken breast, but to put sauce on it to make it taste blackened? Yick! If any one has had this sandwich and think it to be da bomb, please feel free to put me in my place but that just sounds..... bleuch.

OK, so that's my assessment. In quick TV news, Veronica Mars got picked up for a second season (thank you "Quiet Man Who Is Anything But" for pointing that out to me) so WOOHOO! Also, Lost is new tomorrow FINALLY so let us all rejoice in that. Seems like eons, no? All of these badass shows wrapping up all at the same time is going to give me the vapors. Oh, and a "two hour event" for the OC on Thursday thanks to the news conference that turned out to be more conference than actual news. Prime freakin time.

I didn't even weigh in on 24. I think Audrey's going to break up with Jack. What do you guys think? I mean, she was going to do it before Paulie died, but now I think she's really got her heart set on it. And China? Going to get all prickly with us for "invading" their consulate. Geez, get over yourselves, China! We just kidnapped one guy! We'll give him back! Sheesh. You know... if he lives. Ahem. So uh, next week looks good. Yay! That is all. And uh... Jack thinks....

2005-05-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

You are powerless to resist!

TeeVee!

2005-04-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

How inconsiderate! Having a "news conference" on the first night of May Sweeps!!! For an HOUR! The FIRST hour of prime freakin time, at that! If Hollywood didn't hate him before......

So uh... anyway. No OC tonight. According to the FOX website, tonight's OC will air next week. Why didn't they pre-empt the stupid Simple Life with tonight's OC and then air Simple Life tomorrow or next week or like... never? FOX is lucky that they're on my good side because of the outstanding quality of 24 or I'd be writing a letter to them right now instead of you! That's a lie. Total lie. I really don't care all that much. It would've been nice to get some orange soapy goodness tonight, though. Instead I got to concentrate on....

Survivor! Guilt-free! No worrying about if I'm recording OC correctly or whatever. Let me tell you what I'm getting tired of on Survivor: Gregg's gross-ass beard. Also? His stupid attitude. It's so cute how he campaigns to get Steph voted off because she can totally kick his ass. Oh the days when they voted off the weak. Sweet memories, eh? I still love ya, Steph! I guess now that she's gone, Ian is my favorite. He's awesome. I am glad he bathed, although there was not near enough nudity in that scene.

Amazing Race: At what point did you know it was non-elimination? When you realized there were only four teams left? Or when Phil explained the gnome thing? Because... they're not going to give you a "special prize" and then eliminate the hell out of you. So anti-climactic for me. Anyway. How much do you love Joyce? No. Wait. How much do you love Uchenna??? Y'all, he is sooooooooo awesome. I mean, she's no cold fish either. I cried when she shaved her head. That is so hard to do, but just.... wow did she look gorgeous or what? Amazing. If Rob and Amber don't win, I certainly want them to win. This is just the best non-scripted show out there. I find my heart racing throughout the entire thing. The editing is simply the best there is. You know... if you pay attention to uh.... those sorts of things. Moving on!

American Idol: What kind of bizarro world am I in? When I'm a little sad that Constantine got voted off? It is most certainly all in the timing. I would rather be ooged out by Constantine for another week than subjected to Scott's half-assed boring melisma-fest that he calls singing just one more time. At least Constantine is like... entertaining. But oh well. Hopefully there will be some level of outrage and there will be backlash and an outpouring of votes for my darling Vonzell. That girl should NOT be in the bottom three even if there's only 6 people! I mean, this is out of control. Stop voting for Scott, whoever you are!!! Even God agrees.

Um, anyway. Now for the scripted portion of my manifesto. 24 is awesome, as you all may have guessed since it is ALWAYS awesome! Marwan is so eeeeeevil and it is delicious! Jack is such a badass and it is HOTT! President Palmer? Back! Chloe? Just tore up some terror-ass! When I first heard that Chloe was going out into the field, I was all, oh geez what a gimmick! But oh man.... was that cool or WHAT? From what I could tell, she totally saved that girl's life when I was certain she was a goner. Thank goodness for bulletproof glass on that CTU vehicle. If only the TerrorFam had thought of that.... Hey, where's Behrooz anyway? Huh. Hell, where's the freakin Secretary of Defense? He needs to come back and reign in his daughter and her inappropriate timing. I mean, seriously Audrey. Can you not see that Jack is kicking some ass right now? He doesn't have time to talk about your "feelings!" Sheesh. I love Kim Raver. I think the fact that I have really grown to be horribly annoyed with Audrey proves that Miss Raver is a helluvan actress.

Have I ever talked about Veronica Mars on this thing? Because man.... that show is GOOD! It totally rocks my face right off. I think it has been some sort of good thing that it comes on at the same time as The Amazing Race. That forces me to record VM, which lets me rewind aaaall I want! The "I want to hate you and totally make out with you at the same time" thing she has going on with Logan is way hot and super-volatile and it looks like it could blow up next week. Man. So many MYSTERIES!!! This show is so good, y'all. I know it's on UPN. I had to look up which channel it was on, too. We've got to figure out who drugged and raped Veronica. Could it be two seperate people? Hm. And then we have to figure out what the Kanes are hiding. And of course, who killed Lilly. Are they only covering up the murder? Or something even bigger? And what will become of Lianne Mars? Two more episodes!!! Squeeeee!!!

Lost: We are so over reruns and clip shows, ABC. I realize that you want to save all of your good stuff for May sweeps, but.... GUH! We barely remember what happened at the end of the last new episode? Boone died and everyone thinks Locke is a murderer. And it looks like Sayid kills Locke. Or at least tries to. Whacky. I have read that it is not out of the question for another islander to bite it. I also know part of what happens in the season finale, but I can't spoil it. If you want to know what I know, email me. It has to do with.... ah forget it.

Speaking of which... is ABC lashing out at FOX for "stealing" their lame-ass reality show ideas? First, they announce a few weeks ago that they are airing the two-hour finale of Lost in the exact same time slot as the American Idol two-hour finale. And then this "Fallen Idol" alleged expose is coming on next Wednesday? I smell vengeance. And I will soak up every second of it. Because when the networks battle it out for our attention, who wins? The viewers. You and I. That's who. I will watch. I will record. And it will be good to the last drop.

I had to get all of my TV ponderings out of my head before it exploded. We do not want that. Do not worry, faithful readers. I am still compiling Part 2 of the Birthday Retrospective. It turns out, I'm not that funny during the winter. Huh. Funny that. Or... not, as the case may be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR BLOG!

2005-04-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been an entire year since I've started emptying my brain out here at this lovely site. A big thanks to Mark for turning me on to the whole thing. And of course, thanks to everyone who reads it! I have decided to compile some snippets that still make me laugh. Sorry if it looks like one of those self-aggrandizing retrospectives from an awards show, but I just had so much fun going back and reading all the weird stuff I've written during the past year that I wanted to share. And of course, the beauty of the blog.... if you don't care, don't read! Anyway, thanks to Shane for reminding me and I hope you guys like it. Oh, and this is only Part One. FYI! Hee!

I don't understand. This is like that time that time I woke up right after I re-decorated my room in all black and white and I thought I was color-blind. Completely disoriented, didn't know which way was up. Thank goodness for that stupid green hat. – May 4, 2004

What if I actually moved to San Francisco? I would still love my Cowboys right? Wrong. I would never move to San Francisco. – May 4, 2004

It sucks, but this is a step in some process, I'm sure. What process, I can't quite figure out. Maybe I'll end up on the other side with a permit of some kind. A permit to ROCK YOUR FACE! I couldn't resist. – May 6, 2004

It'd be nice for someone to just remove the flab and be done with it, but the pain and risk just doesn't seem worth it. I'll hire my four year old as my personal trainer. She's pretty relentless and I can pay her in grilled cheese and other assorted dairy products. – May 11, 2004

It's almost like the screenwriters went to a meteorologist and said "what about this?" blah blah blah and the meteorologist said "well, that's never gonna happen." And the screenwriter said "Never? Really?" And the meteorologist said "well, I suppose there's a sliver of possibility..." and started going into all of the insane factors that would have to come into play but the screenwriter cuts the meteorologist off to pull a Jim Carrey and says "So, you're saying there's a chance?" And then the meteorologist gets tired of the screenwriter and just says yes so that the screenwriter will just go away. – May 12, 2004

We had one brief conversation and there wasn't much I could say without feeling like a total dork seeing as I was dressed like a hooker. – July 1, 2004

I read an article about blogging in Time magazine the other day. Apparently, these things are supposed to have a purpose and a point??? Or maybe an opinion or some information occasionally? Oops. – July 6, 2004

And he is not the kind to apologize, so I guess he'll just have to go on permanent hiatus. That's a TV euphemism for CANCELLED! That's right! He's been Whoopi'd! He's been Life with Bonnie'd! He's been CSI Miami'd! Oh wait. That last one's just a fantasy of mine. Oops. – July 26, 2004

I’m going to do one of those stupid jumps in the air I do when I get way too excited about something that’s not really that important. – July 29, 2004

If you ask me for directions to a restaurant, I will be compelled to give you a main route, two alternate routes, reasons you may want to take the alternate routes, and my full assessment of the restaurant including the thickness of the chips and the zestiness of the salsa. Hey, you asked for it. You knew what you were getting into. – August 1, 2004

Why can't I have a favorite letter that's not in my name? That limits me to....hang on, gotta count.....9 letters! Out of 26? That's.....let me get my calculator.....17 letters left out in the cold! Anyway. Like I needed a new purse. – August 16, 2004

I love Canadians and I love Canadia. They are just the nicest people ever who, oddly enough, brought us the glorious and often bloody sport of hockey. They also love to have tea. – September 15, 2004

So the nice airport man leans down to talk to the kid and he says "are you this many or this many?" holding up two, then three fingers. And then the kid ends up holding up four fingers indicating he was indeed four years old. I can suspend belief about the quasi-bomb and the governor's plane and the loose dog, but a four year old that doesn't talk??? Give me a BREAK!!! If that was my kid, or any other 4 year old I know, you not only would've gotten their age, you would've gotten their birthday, middle name, what they did that day, why they're getting on the plane, how the airplane works, how the airplane can fly through the clouds and what size underwear they have on. – September 16, 2004

I do not love how he keeps asking The Lord to make them win. Dude. God doesn't "do" reality shows. – September 20, 2004

Every time somebody prayed, pulled out a Bible, or otherwise solicited The Almighty to help them win a RACE, we had to drink. Mostly it was Brandon and Nicole, but Chip had a few in there, too. But if Colin just arbitrarily yelled "JESUS!" that didn't count. You had to actually be talking to God. We are all a bunch of sinners. Drinking every time someone prayed. – September 21, 2004

All guys say that guys are so easy to figure out. They need food, water, and sex. I wish it were that easy. I can make a mean turkey sandwich. – October 11, 2004

Those new Burger King commercials? Creepy, wrong, and some disturbing homoerotic undertones. I'm not saying that homoeroticism necessarily is disturbing to me...I'm saying this particular brand of underlying homoeroticism involving breakfast food is disturbing. Big time. – October 16, 2004

Part Two coming soon! =)

2005-04-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

OK, so NASCAR didn't really ruin my weekend. It didn't exactly do me any favors though, I can tell you that much. First of all, you should know that Jessica had a very bad week last week. Nobody died or anything, but some not good stuff happened, so please send her your good vibes. She needs them very badly. And possibly a vacation. Yes, she definitely needs that too.

Saturday: Jess and I agree to meet at the bar "early." Like, at 8. She calls me at 7 and informs me that she's not going to make it at 8 so we should shoot for later. I tell her that that's a good thing because I was just then on my way home from the mall (where else?) and wouldn't make it either, so it was a good thing. So I show up at 9 and say hi to everyone. I catch Brad and he points over to a table where Jessica was sitting. I wave goofily and Brad says, "I think she's mad at me." I say, "Wha? Why?" He's all, "I don't know...just got a weird vibe." I sigh and say, "She's had a hard week. It's not all about you, y'know. Narcissist." Hehehe. Then he tried to convince me that he was not a narcissist, but in fact a megalomaniac which... OK, I'll buy that.

So anyway. I have a seat with Jessica and no sooner had I had a sip out of my beer than her phone rings. "What? Where? How come I didn't get an invite! OK, where is it. Mm hm. Left on [whatever road]?" I recognize [whatever road] from a subdivision that I addressed and was all, "Why are you getting directions to [name of subdivision]?" Jess, "Nick's having a party." Me, "Oh cool! Let's go! When?" Jess, "Uh....right now?" Me, "Huh?! Why didn't you get an invitation?" Jess, "She said I did! But it probably went to the wrong account." Ooooooooh. Well, anyway. So we decide to go but come back to the bar later. 1) It gives us an out at the party and 2) If we didn't come back, ah who cares? So anyway. We decide that we had to leave RIGHT THEN (9:15) or we wouldn't be back by 11:00, in time for us to have any sort of good times at the bar. Well, by my calculations, it would take us about 45 minutes to get out to Nick's. Yeah, do the math on that one. But you know what? Who cares. It's Saturday night and we can do whatever we want with plans or without. So I gave my beer away and we head out. Jessica decides that it'd be nice of us to stop and get a six-pack to contribute to the party. Shouldn't show up empty-handed and all. So we wait until we get just outside of town on a certain cross-country US highway and we stop at a sizable gas station. It is buzzing about with travellers, you can tell. So I go one way to pick out some beer and Jessica goes the other way to pick out a soda. After some excitement with flat vs. domed lids, we both approach the cashier. Now in case you don't know what Jessica looks like, she is Korean and Black. Very exotic looking and dark. I am so White that I could possibly be a light source all on my own. So the cashier asks for Jessica's ID, inspects it, looks at her, and hands back the ID. Then she looks at me and asks for mine too. I pause and look at her with a straight face and say, "Well, we're sisters." And she kind of looks sideways like, well I still want your ID bitch. Then I give that "Oh I'm just kidding, we're not sisters, it's right here!" laugh and hand over the ID. She laughs and says, "Y'all are lucky. I look just like all of my sisters and brothers!" Wha? Did she just believe me??? I mean, I know that everyone's family is different, but..... Hee!

We get to the party and immediately see Nick, who is a tall good looking man. Then he introduces us to his roommate and HELLO JIM! Muh....rrrrrrrrrrowr! I'm sure he gets that dumbfounded "Whoa you're hot" reaction a lot. Hope I didn't drool on his hand while I was shaking it. Anyway! Then we saw Katie Holmes (not that one!) and her boyfriend S-E-A-N and then we stood in the kitchen and talked and had fun and then we decided to go because we knew Nick, Katie, S-E-A-N, Barry, his fiance, and.... that was about it. I mean, everyone was really nice and all but Jim was talking to these other girls and didn't seem interested in tearing my clothes off that very instant, so I figure what's the loss? Turns out, Jessica thinking the same thing about Jim, which is strange because we have incredibly differing tastes in men (which is a very good thing). So that just goes to show how incredibly hot he was (and I'm sure still is). So our good-byes were swift and well-timed. We stepped out just before the card games started.

Time of arrival back at the bar? 10:59. We are sooooo good! Well, Jessica is good. She was driving. So anyway. We played trivia. We got hit on by some strange man named Ron(nuh nuh nuh) who tipped Jessica just for being cool. No I'm serious. He gave her 2 dollars for being awesome. I was ignoring him, so I guess I missed out. And then NASCAR ruined my weekend, but I'm not telling you how. Not specifically, anyway. Haaaahahaha I'm so mean.

Sunday: We had our annual 9-1-1 picnic for our 9-1-1 dispatchers and their families. It's always a ton of fun, but utterly exhausting. It's like normal work, but instead of sitting at a desk in a controlled environment, there are a ton of people and the chasing of small children and many things to do! It was a gorgeous day. We could not have begged and pleaded for a nicer day. Except maybe.... for no NASCAR. We had a banquet hall for the eating and the Cher performance (yes, I said Cher) and of course there was a TV and wouldn't you know what was on? I would go in there to rest while Gabi played on the merry-go-round for the 487th time and I just tried to read what was on the racetrack wall. Texas Motor Speedway, Fort Worth, Denton County, Texas Motor Speedway..... very hypnotic. And also the white noise and the metronomic "vvvvvvvvvVVVVVYOOOMMmmmmmm" will put you right out. Good thing I was sitting on a rickety old bench that felt like it could come crashing down any second. That'll keep ya awake. Also? Water balloon tosses. Those will also keep you awake. Chasing your insane five year old? Awake! Watching two performances by a dead-on Cher impersonator? Also awake! Aside from being a great Cher impersonator, she was also an incredibly nice person. I hope the real Cher is that nice.

Anwyay! So as soon as we got home, I gave Gabi a bath because I'm not sure she was clean anywhere. Then I sat down on the couch to watch some TV and realized that I'm not smelling like a rose myself so I took the best, hottest, lime and gingerest shower ever! It felt so good. So good that I almost immediately passed out from the pleasure. But I still had to put Gabi to bed and watch a little TV to wind down. But I guarantee you I was not awake more than 2 minutes after hitting that pillow. And I woke up in the morning in the exact same position; went in to wake Gabi up: also in the exact same position. We were OUT! You know how sometimes you wake up and your body's kinda sore but you don't know if it's because you ran around all day the day before or if it's because you slept so hard that night? Yeah, that was this morning. It's a good kind of sore. Only one kind of sore beats that kind of sore. Hee!

And today was kind of a blur for all of us. Everyone was beat and we had to do some post-picnic sorting and putting away of picnic stuff and they even let us take some of the leftover goodies (yay goodies!). So if anyone needs a bright green 9-1-1 antenna ball, you just let me know! Not really. I have no idea how I'd mail one of those things and I don't particularly feel like finding out. =)

OK, well that was my weekend. It was good times and I hope yours was good too. And you know what? There's another one in like.... FOUR DAYS!!! Awesome. Hope you have a good week and maybe I'll have some rad TV to yap endlessly about in a couple of days. Like.... 24!!!! yes, I saw it tonight but I'm not going to talk about it out of respect for our dear DVR friends. But I can't wait forever, dear DVR friends. So get on it! K? K. Tomorrow: Amazing Race, American Idol, Scrubs, Office, Veronica Freakin Mars..... Tuesdays are so wonderfully exhausting.

Good night dear readers! Oh, and one more thing. If you live outside the US or Canada and you are patient enough to get this far, could you pretty please leave me a comment so I can see who's really stopping by? I'm really curious and positively dying to be big in Belgium.

NASCAR Ruined My Weekend

2005-04-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

In more ways than one. That's all you ever need to know. HATE!

It be Firday!!!

2005-04-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

And doesn't it feel all good and squishy inside? Just thought I'd pop on momentarily and say that the weekend is so immensely awesome that I might just have to go and drink some beer in an effort to deal with the whole thing. Oh, and it's freakin NASCAR weekend so it should be "extry intr'stin." What is it that rednecks have against vowels? I'm not saying that everyone who loves NASCAR also hates vowels, I'm just sayin..... Last year on NASCAR weekend a complete stranger braided my hair. Yes, a man. I guess he liked my hair or something. *shrug* Anyway. I'm sure Jessica is already out there getting a head start on me, so off I go! Into the wild amber yonder! Hee! Hope you guys have a super rad weekend, too!

2005-04-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

OK fine. I give up on waiting for Blogger to get their "recover post" feature back online in a lame attempt to recover last week's post that got eaten viciously by cyberspace in a binary bloodbath of epic proportions. Guess what it was about? TV! I know that is shocking to you, but it's true.

So um.... TV is good. Desperate Housewives finally got somewhat interesting and made me gasp a couple of times. It has kind of plateaued (sp?) lately which is why I rarely talk about it. But man, when Carlos literally forced Gabrielle to sign those papers? Dang! What a psycho! And when Zach figured out that he was originally named Dana? Dang! He's already nuts! So this is the theory that the co-parent's mom put forth.... Ready? Mary Alice and Crazy Paul adopted "Dana" and then the birth mother (NOT a private investigator) came back and said she wanted her child back and Crazy Paul and/or Mary Alice banged her with a brick or something. OR! An even better theory? Mary Alice STOLE Zach from that hospital in Utah, moved to NY, changed her name and sha-pow she's a mom (maybe they couldn't have kids or something) and then the birth mother HIRED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR and they killed the PI and OK that's my theory. Because remember when Crazy Paul said that the PI had come to take Zach away from "the only family [he's] ever known"??? That kind of struck me as odd. Was it already established that Zach had been adopted? I love mysteries. I'm total crap at figuring them out, but they sure as hell are fun.

OK, short takes:

24: I didn't think they'd do it. And then they went and did it. They totally did it! Blew me away. (pun only sort of intended)

Amazing Race: Aw, not the brothers! They're kind of awesome.

American Idol: Nikko? But A-Fed made my ears bleed! To the teenage girls with turbo dialing fingers: HE'S NOT THAT CUTE!

Lost: I am very angry with the writers for two reasons. 1) Way to leave us hangin on the whole hatch lighting up thing. 2) Way to kill off the hottest guy on the island! At least we still have Sawyer.

OC: How come it's so boring? I had to start and stop and start watching it like, three times. I want to like it. I really do! But it kind of makes me sleepy.

Survivor: Aw, poor Steph. She's so awesome yet so alone.

Veronica Mars: Brad is trying to convince me that Duncan did it. And even given the blackouts and rage episodes... I'm not buying it. And I don't think Lianne would do it either. It's someone close to the Kanes. Close enough that it would benefit the Kanes to cover up a murder and falsify the time of death. And I'm catching on more and more to the dichotomies in this show. Every week I think I pick up on a new one. Officer Lamb and Deputy Leo. Lion and the Lamb? Clever. Jake Kane and Abel Koontz. Kane and Abel? Interesting. And of course the most obvious would be Veronica Mars who attends Neptune High. I'm sure there's more that I'm missing. I'll pick up on 'em....

So anyway. On to reader mail. I know it's been a long time since I've posted, but I had 35 comments on my last post! You guys must really miss me! Of course I won't have time to answer all of them, but I thought it'd be nice to answer some of them in a way other than leaving another comment and hoping you catch it.

Jonesie said...

Ok, please pardon my "lurkiness" of days past. Di, I've been reading your Blog
for about a month, or so... since learning of it at that place we all "hang
at." Girl, you've got to be the best at conveying thoughts with your keyboard!
You...are... captivating!

Wow! Captivating! That word has been rolling around in my head since I read it. That is so kind of you to say and I really do find it to be a wonderful, uplifting compliment. Thank you so much. It's good to know that people still know the power of a kind word. I hope you stop by some more to read me ramble on about TV and boys! =)

Jing said....

i've since stopped watching the unscripteds and have subsequently become
addicted to the scripteds. 24, Lost, the 4400, and Grey's Anatomy. they're all
so good. like cocaine, but safer and more addictive.

You know, I've caught Grey's Anatomy (still need to watch tonight's tape, though) and it seems pretty good! It's been doing OK in the ratings which means that Boston Legal will probably get a new night. Which, you know, whatever. I never watched it. It's a spinoff from The Practice which I stopped watching long ago. I realize that it's a different show or whatever but... meh. I just can't get excited about another legal procedural. Now another medical procedural? Something's got to fill the void that ER left like, five years ago. Right? Anyway... I've never seen the 4400. Maybe you can share some insight. I know it's gotten rave reviews. 24 and Lost rock my face! Woo!

"Anonymous" said....

TV? Do they still have that? Is that the weird rectangular piece of
furniture on which baseball games have recently begun to appear?

Sincerely,Santos for President '05 Headquarters(formerly Donatella Moss for
Softcore Porn Headquarters)

Sevi! I know it's you! Nobody else watches the West Wing. So did Santos get the erm... nomination? Is that what last week's big episode was about? Oh, and um... congratulations on the beginning of a wonderful new baseball season. May it be the best one yet. I know that sounds like you just graduated or had a kid or something, but I know what a momentous occasion Opening Day is to you so I thought I'd congratulate you. Or something.

Jing said:

oh.my.god. the killed the president. i knew it! :)

Oh come on! Did you really think they'd do it? REALLY? :) But you know, in the teasers for tomorrow's episode, it makes it look like the missile barely grazed a wing and that what we thought was Krispy Keeler last week will more likely be Flat Keeler after the plane crashes. Confused? Yes. And I LIKE IT!

Anyway, in non-TV news, I got my hair whacked off and it has been described as cute, hot, awesome, and very hot. In that order. Naturally, "very hot" was my favorite, given the source. I mean, I really like it so I hope this doesn't sound like bragging just because I'm repeating what others have said. Right? =) I really do love it. My neck already has stopped hurting.

Oh, and we were supposed to get some awesome weather tonight, but the thunderstorm literally collapsed right over us. It looked really weird, though with the low angle of the sun reflecting off the bottom of the clouds which reflected back down to the ground and reflected back up the green of the terrain and made the clouds look green. Not green like "there's hail in that storm and it's about to kick our ass." Like... Spring Green! It was weird and kooky. But I know another set of storms barrelled (smashed, slammed, whatever TV news anchor type scary word you want to use) through over the town the co-parent lives in, so I hope all is well with him. I'm sure it is because that town has a serious weather-bubble. I lived there for eight years and I am all about science when it comes to meteorology, but that town has some supernatural weather-bubble phenomena going on. I have seen a line of storms literally break up just outside the city limits and rejoin on the other side. I kid you not. I have seen every county around us in a Severe Thunderstorm Warning, all lit up in yellow and our county was the only grey one on the map. It is KOOKY, y'all and I wouldn't believe it unless I had seen it with my own eyes, so I don't blame you if you don't want to believe me. It's coo'.

Oh! And I keep seeing trailers for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie! And I'm sooooo stoked! And I saw a billboard, too. Woo! I just finished HHGG and am now starting The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. I kinda wish I had 'em all in paperback so I could lug them around in my tote bag and read them on my lunch break or something. That would be so rad. I would even take out my HazMat book that I carry around JUST IN CASE I see a chemical spill and I need to call it in. You just never know, people!

Anyway. Sanitize your biohazard suits. We're goin in!

Love,

~Di

TV Rocks My Face

2005-03-30T22:17:00.000-08:00

Y'all, I cannot remember TV ever being so good all at the same time.

First up: The Unscripteds. American Idol? Even the sucky ones are really good. Survivor? Interesting! Amazing Race? Phenomenal! I think that last season was sub-par for all three of those shows. I mean... Jasmine Trias, y'all. And Survivor was so predictable and lame (Goal #1: Vote off pretty people. Goal #2: Vote off men. Goal #3: Bitch and backstab. Yadda yadda yadda). And The Amazing Race featured some of the ugliest Americans ever displayed on national television (politicians notwithstanding). But this year! Everything is shiny and new! American Idol is actually still a mystery! Survivor is new and unbalanced!

The Amazing Race has some of the most interesting and unpredictable cast members in all of unscripted history (or the parts that I've seen anyway). And last night's two-hour special totally blew me away. I am serious. It didn't even feel like two hours (would've felt like four if Patrick was still there with his bitching and nyah nyah nyah). Exciting in good and bad ways what with the head injury and the rollover being the bad, obviously. I cringed when Rob and Amber drove past the wreck. They could've slowed down and asked if everyone was OK at the very least. Now, it's easy to say this knowing everyone is OK, but in their (very weak) defense, most of the other teams hate them anyway so it wouldn't matter if they stopped or not... they will still be hated, good deeds or no. And honestly, Lynn and Alex weren't really doing anything except getting in the way especially after the brothers told them to leave. Like I said, easy to say knowing no one was seriously hurt. But that foot race at the end??? Hoo-doggy! I was up off the couch holding my breath! I sooooo wanted Ray off the show. Deana seemed OK if not a little beaten down by her "on again off again" "boyfriend." (And by "boyfriend" I really mean "mean assface jerk.") I'd be a lot beaten down if all I ever heard was that I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not good enough, I don't want it bad enough. How about a little positive feedback every once in a while, hm? He's a jerk and I hope she dumps him. Buttface. So... go Brothers! And go GnM! Man, for them to pull through from last place with no money and no backpacks up to fifth? Amazing indeed. Go Old People! Woo! Gretchen is my new hero even though she's kinda squeaky. =)

Next up: The Scripteds. OK, you all know that 24 is my favorite. It's hard to guage this season against the other three since, you know, this season isn't finished yet. It will be hard to top Season Two. But here's what I think is so awesome about this season: there was no pre-season spoiler. Season One, we knew it was all about an assassination attempt on a Presidential candidate. Season Two, we knew it was all about a nuc-yoo-ler B-O-M-B. Season Three, it was all about biological warfare. Season Four is about..... um...... well, we don't really know what it's about yet. Terrorists on our soil? Welcome to Seasons One through Three. They're all about terrorists (hence the Counter-TERRORIST Unit?). But we don't know the motivation behind this attack. And if I were to speculate (and you know I will), I would say that Marwan is not the "real" boss. They always take us topsy-turvy and who we think is the boss is really someone else's bitch.... but whose? But on the other hand, the season's already over halfway done and still no sign of a bigger boss than Marwan. So maybe the writers are totally effing with us... as they love to do. And do we love them for it? Oh, I think we do.

And Veronica Mars? The mystery! The intrigue! Whodunnit??? It's starting to look like Celeste killed Lilly what with the showing up at the hotel all messed up right after (or before, depending on whose story you believe) Lilly was murdered, but.... Seriously, would a show like this give away the solution to the main, season-long murder mystery with six episodes to go? I think not! I want to put the puzzle together, but honestly, I don't think we have all the pieces yet. And I don't think that Duncan and Veronica are half-siblings because that would be uber-creepy. But it's probably a vital plot device as evidenced by last night's episode (i.e. Veronica's mom threatening Jake with a paternity test). Man. I need a diagram or a flow chart or a nap or something.

OK, and Lost... the Island giveth and the Island taketh away. I think that is the best way to sum up tonight's episode. Although.... did we get any real clues tonight? I mean, there was the Nigerian "priest" and his heroin (Charlie is going to be pissed when he finds out he didn't really have to give it up) and of course, the airplane with the freakin WORKING RADIO! I mean, the stupid previews gave that away, but still. Do you guys think that Boone is the major cast character to bite it? I hope not. He's F-I-N-E! But hey, someone's gotta go and I doubt it'll be any of the ugly castaways. Are there any ugly castaways? Anyway. I didn't get a good look at his massive chest wound, but apparently, we'll get more info on that next week. But man, was Locke's dream creepy as hell or what? The way everything kept coming true what with the plane and Theresa and bloody Boone? Man, what is with that guy? And at the end when he was seriously pissed at the Island (as he should be... he put his faith into it and it took his son-figure... possibly) and he was yelling into the hatch thingy and then THE FREAKIN LIGHT CAME ON!!!!! My apartment just became totally still and silent except for one little word that eeked out... "Pardon?" What a way to end the show. Total freakin cliffhanger and three quarters. I am totally blown away.

Oh, and I caught the series premier of Eyes tonight. Tim Daly really is getting hotter as he gets older. And man, they really pulled you in in the first episode, did they not? Set you up for a multi-episode arc (arcs possibly?) as well as solved a single episode arc. It's all about the arcs, y'all. Looks good from first view. What with all the murder and sex and intrigue. Wordup. I diggit.

This really is one of the best parts of the TV viewing season. Right when everyone is coming off of reruns after February sweeps and setting up for the big May sweeps. And they're also cutting the crappy shows or putting some that they thought would get crappy ratings on hiatus to test out some new shows for mid-season replacements.

Oh, and American Idol finale is up against the Lost finale. Both two hours long. May 25th. Set your alarms and VCR and/or DVRs and take your meds.

Goooooooooooood Night!